best list ever, part 1
Stolen from here.
1. Not allowed to refer to Samuel Anders as "Mr. Kara Thrace."
* Not allowed to refer to Major Adama as "Mr. Kara Thrace."
* Especially in front of his wife.
* Not allowed to suggest to Major Adama's wife that she "do the cheating frakhead one better" by joining me in the rear cargo bay after hours.
2. Not allowed to refer to Admiral Adama as "Mr. Laura Roslin."
3. Not allowed to spell Colonel Tigh's name "T-G-H" and claim "the Cylons took the I."
4. Cleaning my gun in the pilots' break room is acceptable. "Cleaning my gun" in the pilots' break room is not.
* No, no matter what Captain Thrace said.
5. The following phrases are hereby banned from conversation: "budding sexuality," "necrophilia," "I hate everyone in this squadron and wish they were all dead," "sexual lubrication," "toasterfrakker," "all Marines are latent homosexuals," "all Viper jocks are blatant homosexuals," "naughty schoolteacher," "strap-on," "slut puppy," "the President's baby mama," "shag the CAG," "New Caprican loco weed," or any reference to squid.
6. Only allowed to add "in accordance with the prophesy" to the ends of my sentences if given specific permission to do so by President Roslin.
* President Roslin did not give me permission to do so.
7. Asking "How do you keep an ECO in suspense?" and walking away isn't even funny the first time.
8. Not allowed to refer to President Roslin as "Mom."
* Not allowed to refer to Admiral Adama as "Dad."
* No, not even if I am his actual son.
9. Not allowed to chew gum while flying CAP.
* No, not even if I brought enough for everyone.
10. Not allowed to suggest cannibalism as an alternative protein source.
11. President Roslin does not have "spanking privileges."
* Neither does Admiral Adama.
12. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I will assume that I'm not allowed to do it.
* If the thought of something makes Captain Thrace giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I will alert the CAG. Immediately.
13. Not allowed to speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.
* Especially Captain Thrace.
14. While I may not actually be able to stop Captain Thrace from telling those stories about flight school, it behooves me not to appear visibly amused while she does so.
15. Colonel Tigh does not want to be called "Snookums."
* Neither does he respond favorably to "Sauly-poo," "Debbie," "Tighclops," or "Ol’ One-Eyes."
* Colonel Tigh is not Admiral Adama's "heterosexual man-spouse."
16. I have not been appointed to a secret presidential sex squad.
* Not allowed to talk about it if I had been.
17. "I've heard every possible joke about Lieutenant Gaeta's name" is not a challenge.
18. I am not a Cylon trapped in a human's body.
19. Algae is not a personal lubricant.
20. Not allowed to get shot.
21. Not allowed to use image editing software to create incriminating photos of Admiral Adama and President Roslin.
* Not allowed to use image editing software to create incriminating photos of Major Adama and President Roslin.
* Not allowed to use image editing software. Period.
22. Not allowed to steal batteries from the deck crew for "personal use."
* Not allowed to attempt to explain "personal use."
23. I am not Model #13.
24. If Tory Foster hears me referring to her as "the president's sex-retary," she is hereby authorized to hurt me.
25. Not allowed to have comm sex while flying CAP.
* Not allowed to have comm sex with someone flying CAP.
* Not allowed to have comm sex. Period.
26. Not allowed to refer to the Biers documentary as "a Cylon perv tape."
27. Not allowed to do that thing with the lollipop in President Roslin's sight, ever.
* No, not even if Captain Thrace did it first.
28. Not allowed to contact Captain Katraine via séance in the hopes she'll overrule Major Adama's orders.
* Not allowed to contact anyone via séance. Period.
29. Not allowed to lock Major Adama and Captain Thrace in a supply closet in the hope that sex will take place.
* Even if it does.
* Not allowed to lock Major Adama and Samuel Anders in a supply closet in the hope that sex will take place. (damn)
* Even if it does. (AND IT WILL)
* Not allowed to lock Captain Agathon and Chief Tyrol in a supply closet in the hope that sex will take place.
* Even if it does.
* Not allowed to lock anyone in a supply closet, for any reason.
* Or tape the results.
* No, not even if it would be great for morale.
30. Not allowed to join Demand Peace!
* Not allowed to join the SFM.
31. Not allowed to antagonize the CAG.
* Not allowed to call the CAG a wanker.
* Not allowed to short-sheet the CAG's bed.
* Not allowed to attach photos of the CAG to the targets in the firing range.
* Not allowed to put the CAG's hand in warm water while he's sleeping.
* Not allowed to steal the CAG's pants.
* No, not even if Captain Thrace did it first.
32. No part of my flight suit is edible.
33. If detained by security, I do not have the right to a strip search.
34. Not allowed to shake my groove thing in CIC.
35. Not allowed to use nuggets as currency.
36. Not allowed, under any circumstances, to ask President Roslin who died and put her in charge.
37. The time has passed for the joke about the Cylon, the pyramid team, the elevator, and Ellen Tigh.
* Or any of its variants.
38. There is no such thing as "recreational gun use."
* No, not even if Captain Thrace did it first.
* Oh my gods, especially not if Admiral Cain did it first.
* Not allowed to mention Admiral Cain. Ever.
39. Captain Thrace is not a pre- or post-op ANYTHING.
40. Not allowed to utter the phrase "Save a Viper! Fly a pilot!" ever, ever again.
There are just too many good ones. I'll be posting the rest in batches of 40.
1. Not allowed to refer to Samuel Anders as "Mr. Kara Thrace."
* Not allowed to refer to Major Adama as "Mr. Kara Thrace."
* Especially in front of his wife.
* Not allowed to suggest to Major Adama's wife that she "do the cheating frakhead one better" by joining me in the rear cargo bay after hours.
2. Not allowed to refer to Admiral Adama as "Mr. Laura Roslin."
3. Not allowed to spell Colonel Tigh's name "T-G-H" and claim "the Cylons took the I."
4. Cleaning my gun in the pilots' break room is acceptable. "Cleaning my gun" in the pilots' break room is not.
* No, no matter what Captain Thrace said.
5. The following phrases are hereby banned from conversation: "budding sexuality," "necrophilia," "I hate everyone in this squadron and wish they were all dead," "sexual lubrication," "toasterfrakker," "all Marines are latent homosexuals," "all Viper jocks are blatant homosexuals," "naughty schoolteacher," "strap-on," "slut puppy," "the President's baby mama," "shag the CAG," "New Caprican loco weed," or any reference to squid.
6. Only allowed to add "in accordance with the prophesy" to the ends of my sentences if given specific permission to do so by President Roslin.
* President Roslin did not give me permission to do so.
7. Asking "How do you keep an ECO in suspense?" and walking away isn't even funny the first time.
8. Not allowed to refer to President Roslin as "Mom."
* Not allowed to refer to Admiral Adama as "Dad."
* No, not even if I am his actual son.
9. Not allowed to chew gum while flying CAP.
* No, not even if I brought enough for everyone.
10. Not allowed to suggest cannibalism as an alternative protein source.
11. President Roslin does not have "spanking privileges."
* Neither does Admiral Adama.
12. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I will assume that I'm not allowed to do it.
* If the thought of something makes Captain Thrace giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I will alert the CAG. Immediately.
13. Not allowed to speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.
* Especially Captain Thrace.
14. While I may not actually be able to stop Captain Thrace from telling those stories about flight school, it behooves me not to appear visibly amused while she does so.
15. Colonel Tigh does not want to be called "Snookums."
* Neither does he respond favorably to "Sauly-poo," "Debbie," "Tighclops," or "Ol’ One-Eyes."
* Colonel Tigh is not Admiral Adama's "heterosexual man-spouse."
16. I have not been appointed to a secret presidential sex squad.
* Not allowed to talk about it if I had been.
17. "I've heard every possible joke about Lieutenant Gaeta's name" is not a challenge.
18. I am not a Cylon trapped in a human's body.
19. Algae is not a personal lubricant.
20. Not allowed to get shot.
21. Not allowed to use image editing software to create incriminating photos of Admiral Adama and President Roslin.
* Not allowed to use image editing software to create incriminating photos of Major Adama and President Roslin.
* Not allowed to use image editing software. Period.
22. Not allowed to steal batteries from the deck crew for "personal use."
* Not allowed to attempt to explain "personal use."
23. I am not Model #13.
24. If Tory Foster hears me referring to her as "the president's sex-retary," she is hereby authorized to hurt me.
25. Not allowed to have comm sex while flying CAP.
* Not allowed to have comm sex with someone flying CAP.
* Not allowed to have comm sex. Period.
26. Not allowed to refer to the Biers documentary as "a Cylon perv tape."
27. Not allowed to do that thing with the lollipop in President Roslin's sight, ever.
* No, not even if Captain Thrace did it first.
28. Not allowed to contact Captain Katraine via séance in the hopes she'll overrule Major Adama's orders.
* Not allowed to contact anyone via séance. Period.
29. Not allowed to lock Major Adama and Captain Thrace in a supply closet in the hope that sex will take place.
* Even if it does.
* Not allowed to lock Major Adama and Samuel Anders in a supply closet in the hope that sex will take place. (damn)
* Even if it does. (AND IT WILL)
* Not allowed to lock Captain Agathon and Chief Tyrol in a supply closet in the hope that sex will take place.
* Even if it does.
* Not allowed to lock anyone in a supply closet, for any reason.
* Or tape the results.
* No, not even if it would be great for morale.
30. Not allowed to join Demand Peace!
* Not allowed to join the SFM.
31. Not allowed to antagonize the CAG.
* Not allowed to call the CAG a wanker.
* Not allowed to short-sheet the CAG's bed.
* Not allowed to attach photos of the CAG to the targets in the firing range.
* Not allowed to put the CAG's hand in warm water while he's sleeping.
* Not allowed to steal the CAG's pants.
* No, not even if Captain Thrace did it first.
32. No part of my flight suit is edible.
33. If detained by security, I do not have the right to a strip search.
34. Not allowed to shake my groove thing in CIC.
35. Not allowed to use nuggets as currency.
36. Not allowed, under any circumstances, to ask President Roslin who died and put her in charge.
37. The time has passed for the joke about the Cylon, the pyramid team, the elevator, and Ellen Tigh.
* Or any of its variants.
38. There is no such thing as "recreational gun use."
* No, not even if Captain Thrace did it first.
* Oh my gods, especially not if Admiral Cain did it first.
* Not allowed to mention Admiral Cain. Ever.
39. Captain Thrace is not a pre- or post-op ANYTHING.
40. Not allowed to utter the phrase "Save a Viper! Fly a pilot!" ever, ever again.
There are just too many good ones. I'll be posting the rest in batches of 40.