best list ever, part 7
253. I am not the Lord of the (Kobol) Dance.
254. Any lab table is not an advisable or sanitary place for conjugal relations.
* Not even if For. Pres. Baltar has done it before.
* Because For. Pres. Baltar did it before.
255. Grenades are not for recreational use.
256. Not allowed to make my own fireworks.
* Or sell them.
* Especially to nuggets.
257. Not allowed to make auto-erotic asphyxiation jokes around Maj. Adama.
258. Not allowed to show Spec. Cally my new children's toy, "Joey The Happy Celery."
* Or make it talk.
259. No longer allowed to tell nuggets the legend of the radioactive mutant deckhand ghost who haunts launch tube C.
260. Not allowed to speculate about what the President may or may not have been doing in her spare time on New Caprica.
* Not allowed to speculate about who the President may or may not have been doing in her spare time on New Caprica.
* Not allowed to corroborate my theory by plying her former next-door neighbors with alcohol until they start talking.
* Not allowed to share my findings.
* With anyone.
* See above re. the phrase "naughty schoolteacher."
* See above re. the phrase "New Caprican loco weed."
* See above re. the phrase "the President's baby mama."
* See above re. President Roslin always overhearing.
261. There is no crying in Pyramid.
262. There is at least a 50% chance that I do not get "that time of the month."
* Even if I do, "blowing shit up" is not a recognized treatment.
263. Major Adama does not frak hookers.
* Any more.
* Those claiming that Captain Thrace doesn't count because "hookers get paid" should check first to make sure the doors are closed.
264. Did I mention how not-allowed I am to talk about Admiral Cain?
265. Not allowed to reenact conversations I have heard with sock puppets.
* Or conversations I have heard on the wireless.
* Or conversations I have overheard, in person or on the wireless.
* The same goes double if the conversation is, in fact, fictional.
* I am no longer allowed to have sock puppets.
266. "That's what you think" is not an appropriate response during a briefing.
267. I am not an interpretor for the deaf.
* Even if I was, the CAG has no need of my services.
* Neither does Admiral Adama.
* Neither does President Roslin.
268. Not allowed to practice juggling in the CIC.
269. Not allowed to practice fire-eating in the CIC.
270. Not allowed to practice acrobatic tricks in the CIC.
271. I do not descend from a "proud line of circus folk".
272. Not allowed to send love notes to my superiors.
* Especially if they are addressed as if from someone else.
273. Not allowed to break-dance in the CIC.
* Or in the hanger deck.
* Or in the briefing room.
* Or in the hallways.
* Or encourage others to do so.
274. Not allowed to do keg stands.
* Or encourage others to do so.
* Regardless of how drunk they are.
275. I am not allowed to refer to Agathon fornication as "uploading".
* Not even if Capt. Thrace said it first.
* Also not allowed to sing "Did you ever know that you're my Helo?" ever.
276. The acceptable title is "Gunnery Sargent" or, in casual conversation, "Gunny" may be used. I'm not allowed refer to anyone as "Nunnery Sargent" ever again.
* Not even if the Chief said it first.
277. I will not post "No Smoking" signs in the infirmary.
* The hallway will be considered part of the infirmary.
* The door is part of the infirmary, too.
278. Not allowed to spell it "T_gh" and say "They stomped the eye flat! Right in front of him!" This is not an acceptable workaround to rule #3.
279. Not allowed to order Nuggets to "get" "nugs" and claim that is the reason for the nickname, because they ... It's a cruel trick, and not at all funny.
* Should not exclaim "You should KNOW where the nugs are!" when someone else has played this on a Nugget.
* (But it is a bit funny if you can get one looking for a "nug".)
* And not allowed to state "They're in my pants."
280. Not allowed to follow President Roslin and Admiral Adama around with a violin.
* or a bottle of ambrosia
* or a copy of the Kama Sutra.
* Not allowed to follow the President and the Admiral at all.
281. A wet T-shirt contest is not a traditional way to celebrate Colonial Day.
* neither is an orgy.
282. Not allowed to tell Tom Zarek that he looks like an old Apollo.
283. Not allowed to tell Hera Agathon the toaster in the galley is her sister.
284. Not allowed to ask President Roslin if she can "hook a brother up".
285. Not allowed to form a fraternity/sorority.
286. Not allowed to start a cult.
287. It is not a tumor.
288. I do not need chamalla extract for "medicinal purposes".
* The same goes for alcohol.
289. The Pegasus has not returned to haunt the Fleet as a ghost ship.
* Neither has the Cloud Nine.
* Neither has the Olympic Carrier.
* There is no such thing as ghost ships, I have never seen one, and I am to refrain from saying otherwise.
290. I am not a licensed organ dealer.
* Getting a civilian drunk and ensuring he woke up in a tub of ice with a note on his chest urging him to go to the infirmary was not funny the first time.
* Neither is it funny with nuggets.
291. Not allowed to start a daycare center.
* Not allowed to start a "Gentleman's Club".
* Definitely not any combination of the two.
292. Not allowed to stockpile weapons or ammunitions.
* No, not even for the impending zombie uprising.
* There is no impending zombie uprising, and I am to refrain from saying otherwise.
293. "In the name of science" is never a valid excuse.
* No matter what Dr. Baltar says.
* No matter what Dr. Cottle says.
* No matter what Lt. Gaeta says.