(no subject)
1. You'd better hope this kills me.
2. I'm not going anywhere unless something's chasing me.
3. Just howling in the shadows.
4. It was all a blur after the explosion.
5. Now for wrath, now for ruin, and the red dawn.
6. This is the biggest disappointment since the crucifixion.
7. When you absolutely need to kill every mother fucker in the room, there are no substitutes.
8. Get pretty-- plastic parts not included.
9. All the world will be your enemy, and when they catch you, they will kill you, but first, they must catch you.
10. A word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid that need advice.
11. How can I believe in God when just last week, I got my tongue stuck in the roller of an electric typewriter.
12. Ode to the Small Lump of Green Puddy I Found in my Armpit One Midsummer's Morning.
13. About to open up like a prom girl's legs.
14. Our teeth and ambitions are bared.
15. The devil's knocking on my door.
16. If you go home with someone and they don't have books, don't fuck 'em.
17. Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard, hard battle.
18. I was sitting next to Satan.
19. What happened to them?
I fucking tortured them.
20. When someone says "back the fuck off" then proceeds to shoot off your partner's arms? Back the fuck off.
21. Is your place in heaven worth giving up these kisses?
22. He who hesitates is a damned fool.
23. Live fast, die hard, and leave several other corpses.
24. Operationally, God is beginning to resemble not a ruler but the last fading smile of a cosmic Cheshire cat.
25. This is the first time I've thought that suicidal tendencies were endearing.
26. Coffee is not coffee if you do not have a cigarette.
27. A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
28. Fools and scissors can both be sharp when you use them right.
29. If all else fails, use fire.
30. There are many perks to being the mother of a living god.
31. Hate is a kind of love.
32. If there were in the world today any large number of people who desired their own happiness more than they desired the unhappiness of others, we could have paradise in a few years.
33. Doctors are sadists who like to play god and watch lesser people scream.
34. Anyway, fighting off a dozen ninjas is easy. It's when you run into one ninja that you know you're in trouble.
35. "Tits" can never be used as an insult, for they are much too awesome.
36. It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
37. You cannot slander human nature; it is worse than words can paint it.
38. We are continually faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems.
39. It hurts to breathe!
Well, what do you think you should stop doing then?
40. It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.
41. Eccentricity is not, as dull people would have us believe, a form of madness. It is often a kind of innocent pride, and the man of genius and the aristocrat are frequently regarded as eccentrics because genius and aristocrat are entirely unafraid of and uninfluenced by the opinions and vagaries of the crowd.
42. The end of days is here. And I am the reaper.
43. We passed "fucked" and headed straight to "fucking fucked' and soon, we'll be getting to "seriously fucking fucked."
44. Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" while searching for a large rock.
45. Politicians and diapers should be changed often and for the same reason.
46. The side to use the word "justice" first has the backing of the people.
47. See those flames? That guy is going all kinds of down.
48. All human beings should try to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why.
49. The whole Asian Russian Front was not a good idea. Hitler never played Risk as a kid.
50. Hitler wound up in a ditch, covered in petrol, on fire. And that's fun. And that's funny, 'cos Hitler was a mass-murdering fuckhead.
51. The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble.
52. It's too late. It always has been.
53. Please don't kill anybody.
54. What happened to the American Dream?
It came true.
55. Some things, once they're busted, they can't ever be fixed.
56. Don't worry. Won't insult legendary underworld solidarity by suggesting you surrender name without torture.
57. Nothing ends. Nothing ever ends.
58. Are you working while we're in bed together?
59. Fire everything!
60. God doesn't make the world this way, we do.
61. I'm used to going out at three in the morning to do something stupid.
62. Oh shit. I'm on Mars.
63. None of you understand. I'm not locked up in here with you. You're locked up in here with me.
64. Gun. No license. I checked. Very bad.
65. By the way, you need a stronger lock. That new one broke after one shove.
66. No. Not even in the face of Armageddon. Never compromise.
67. Back to plan A.
68. Can't make an omelet without killing a few people.
69. Don't ask me questions before eight in the morning, particularly silly ones. I'm grumpy then, and I'll probably make fun of you.
70. Offer people a new creed with a costume and their hearts and minds will follow.
71. The men in the room suddenly realized that they didn't want to know her better. She was beautiful, but she was beautiful in the way a forest fire was beautiful: something to be admired from a distance, not up close.
72. And as she held her sword, she smiled like a knife.
73. Plan A had worked. Plan B had failed. Everything depended on Plan C, and there was one drawback to this: he had only ever planned as far as B.
74. You just had to decide who your friends really were.
75. God does not play games with His loyal servants.
Whoo-whee! Where have you been?
76. I don't see what's so terrific about creating people, then getting upset when they start being people. Anyway. If you stopped telling them it's all sorted out when they're dead, maybe they'd try sorting it out while they're alive.
77. There never was an apple that wasn't worth the trouble you got into for eating it.
78. God does not play dice with the universe: He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players [i.e. everybody], to being involved in an obscure and complex variant of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.
79. Cynics regard everybody as equally corrupt... Idealists regard everybody as equally corrupt, except themselves.
80. The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no good evidence either way.
81. I'd give my right arm for this. Or someone's right arm. No sense in wasting a perfectly good one.
82. Hell is empty. All the devils are here.
83. We don't want to die this soon. Or. Inconveniently discorporated.
84. You could be charged of being a dominant species under the influence of impulse-driven consumerism.
85. Even the pious Scots, locked throughout history in a long, drawn-out battle with their arch-enemies, the Scots, managed a few witch-burnings to while away the long winter evenings.
86. Ten billion sushi dinners cry out for vengeance.
87. Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
88. Why do writers write? Because it isn't there.
89. They say even the proudest spirit can be broken with love.
90. There are people accusing me that I'm sick, that I'm a danger to morals, western civilization and basically everything under the sun. And they've got these wild stories about me, completely off the wall, completely untrue. They thought them up and it makes you wonder what goes on in their brain, but of course, they don't consider themselves sick. They think they're normal because they don't dress like I do.
91. I'm not against God, I'm against the misuse of God.
92. Messing with the fabric of space time was a part of my old job.
93. This is easier than your sister.
94. I'm going to pretend this is a highly disturbing hallucination.
You'd be amazed at how many fully functional civilizations have been based on that premise.
95. So you're telling me that the design basis of every universe is a bar.
Yes.
Why?
I think of it as further evidence that God wants us to be happy.
96. That's it. Get me a weapon. Something really explody.
97. There are only two ways of telling the complete truth--anonymously and posthumously.
98. When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
99. A thinker sees his own actions as experiments and questions--as attempts to find out something. Success and failure are for him answers above all.
100. I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
101. I hope that when I die, people say about me, 'Boy, that guy sure owed me a lot of money.'
102. I swear, if you don't go away, I'll knife you in the face.
We say 'stab' in this house, young man. 'Knife' is not a verb.
103. I think it's irresponsible to have a child in this day and age. Yet another person who will have to witness the ongoing corruption of our country's most basic and valued freedoms as his job is shipped off to Bangalore while America slowly becomes a breeding ground for Wal-Mart clerks who think that "Frasier" is highbrow entertainment.
The kid has an Enron lunchbox.
104. With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.
105. That's terrible. You have been completely disregarded as a threat.
106. Drunk-ass Jedi mind trick.
107. The best way to lose weight is to put salt on your ass and go to a petting zoo.
108. Maybe she'll do us a favor and drop herself.
109. What is the purpose of free will if one does not occasionally spit in the eye of destiny?
110. That was even more diabolical than torture devices.
What was it?
Breakfast.
111. Come on out and face me like you got a pair.
112. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And bees. A horde of bees.
113. You think we would have learned by now. Don't fuck with time.
114. We live in an ordered universe where all things are governed by rational law. Except silly putty.
115. Nobody knows the trouble I've seen. Not since I buried the witnesses.
116. A picture is worth a thousand words. Or one lawsuit.
117. There are one thousand little worlds inside your head, but that doesn't make you crazy. It makes you sane.
118. What's gotten into you?
Boredom and a pot of coffee.
119. As a general rule, you should never ever write anything that comes to mind when all you've had to digest is coffee and sweet tarts and you've been up for twenty-six hours.
120. It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!
121. Language is the source of misunderstandings.
122. I said "fuckers". That's a universal pronoun.
123. We are here and it is now. Further than that all human knowledge is moonshine.
124. Do not fuck with women half your size, because you do not know when they might return the favor and forget the lube.
125. Alright, little girl. Anymore psychoanalysis from you and the teddy gets it.
126. Well, youth is the period of assumed personalities and disguises. It is the time of the sincerely insincere.
127. Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better.
128. We learned to never do this again. Fuck if I know what we did, but we're never going to do it again.
129. If you can find something everyone agrees on, it's wrong.
130. Try as hard as we may for perfection, the net result of our labors is an amazing variety of imperfectness. We are surprised at our own versatility in being able to fail in so many different ways.
131. Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
132. Congratulations. Your chances just went from none to slim.
133. You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.
134. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
135. He who will not reason is a bigot; he who cannot is a fool; and he who dares not is a slave.
136. The only reason for being a professional writer is that you can't help it.
137. I didn't tell anyone I was a transvestite 'cos I was afraid they'd kill me with sticks.
138. Puberty messes everything up. In the beginning, it's, "Boys, ugh, girls, ugh." and then it's "Boys, ooh, girls, ooh." And you want to look your best for them, but then Mother Nature says, "No". And you look the worst you will ever look.
139. Your parents tell you-- Look, your skin is gonna get all greasy, your face will become a general plague area-- here's a book on the Black Death-- tufts of hair will grow on your chin, not in a sexy stubble way, but in a continuing plague theme, and down here, I'm not even gonna talk about.
140. Someone kills somebody, that's murder, you go to prison. You kill ten people, you go to Texas, they hit you with a brick, that's what they do. Kill twenty people, you go to a hospital, they look at you through a small window forever. And past that, we just can't deal with it. Someone's killed a hundred thousand people, we almost go, "Well done!"
141. You killed a hundred thousand people? You must get up very early in the morning. I barely get to the gym. Your diary must be full! Death, death, death, death, death, death, death, lunch, death, death, death, death, afternoon tea, death, death, death, death, death, death, death, quick shower.
142. All queens are frumpy, aren't they? Because it's a bad idea when cousins marry.
143. Pope Pious the twelfth was supposed to castigate Hitler for being a "genocidal fuckhead". Only he wimped out and then became known as "Pope Gutless Bastard the first."
144. "And may my sword sleep in my hand." Not a good idea. You're eventually going to roll over and cut your bits off, aren't you?
145. If you can't figure it out, you're probably the person on the plane that watches when they tell you how to work the seatbelt.
146. The problem with feeding anything poo is that eventually, they realize, "Hey, I've seen this shit before."
147. In films murders are always very clean. I show how difficult it is and what a messy thing it is to kill a man.
148. I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: 'O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.' And God granted it.
149. God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
150. History is a pack of lies we play on the dead.
151. It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.
152. To succeed in this world, it's not enough to be stupid. You must also be well-mannered.
153. Use, do not abuse; neither abstinence nor excess ever renders man happy.
154. Work saves us from three great evils: boredom, vice and need.
155. There are some that only employ words for the purpose of disguising their thoughts.
156. Think for yourselves and let others enjoy the privilege to do so too.
157. An ideal form of government is democracy tempered with assassination.
158. We are bits of stellar matter that got cold by accident, bits of a star gone wrong.
159. I wondered - would a bullet through my temple actually kill me or just leave a really big mess for me to clean up?
160. Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.
161. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
162. A lie told often enough becomes the truth.
163. What to do? That's the easy part. You do what you've always done.
164. I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
165. Love is a kick in the head.
166. If I felt any better, I'd be sick.
167. The simplest solution is ale.
168. I have many friends here, but somehow, just because you despise me, you are the only one that I trust.
169. You sound like a man trying to convince himself of something he doesn't believe in his heart.
170. You mustn’t underestimate American Blundering.
171. If I thought on it too long, I'd hate you.
172. I'm the only cause I'm interested in.
173. I'm going to miss you. Apparently you're the only one here with less scruples than I.
174. I'm on their blacklist - their roll of honor!
175. Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine.
176. I'm writing the report now. We haven't decided whether he committed suicide or died trying to escape.
177. I'm going to die here. Good place for it.
178. Where I'm going, you can't follow.
179. Each of us has a destiny for Good or Evil.
180. You won't regret it now, or tomorrow, but later, and for the rest of your life.
181. His argument was as thin as the stew made from the shadow of a pigeon that had been starved to death.
182. His problem is that he suffers halitosis of intellect. Assuming he has an intellect.
183. He was a liar and a damned demagogue. I wasn't surprised when they shot him.
184. He can't talk, he's generally prepossessing and he's generally shit.
185. Conversation should be pleasant without scurrility, witty without affectation, free without indecency, learned without conceitedness, novel without falsehood.
186. I am not bound to please thee with my answers.
187. I pray thee cease thy counsel, which falls into mine ears as profitless as water in a sieve.
188. Nothing emboldens sin so much as mercy.
189. Our remedies oft in ourselves do lie.
190. It is the wittiest partition I have heard discourse, my lord.
191. Man is but a patched fool if he will offer to say what I thought I had dreamed.
192. It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.
193. God created Adam in his own image. And sixty-five million years before that, he created dinosaurs in the image of his cousin, Ted.
194. I wouldn't do it if it was acceptable!
195. If I was going to create the world, I'd have done it like Microsoft. We'll bring it out Sunday, Tuesday, next week, month, when we're fuckin' ready, alright?
196. I've been trying for some time to develop a lifestyle that doesn't require my presence.
197. The Great Flood was like God doing his Etch a Sketch shaking moment.
198. You don't know what you're talking about, do you?
I did earlier, but I don't now.
199. Damn, there ain't nothin' like a good entrance.
200. When you were asked to stop insulting people, your response was, and I quote, 'but I'm good at it'.
201. The truth has power just because it's the truth. And because it's the truth, it's just.
202. Nothing about dying is easy.
203. There are at least two versions of every story. The truth is one, and the tellers' is at least one other.
204. You can't tell yet? I'm the person you thought you'd never meet, the 'it' in 'it will never happen to me', and I want you gone. Now.
205. Words could not express how badly they needed therapy. Dysfunctional sickos.
206. Teach me how to love my brothers who don't know love.
207. Die? Oh, no, of course not. I wouldn't allow something so normal to happen to me.
208. A virgin? Really? I don't know what to say! Is he a gift?
209. I don't know my future after tomorrow, and I don't want to.
210. The rule concerning doing something stupid is that if you live, you're brave, and if you die, you're an idiot.
211. Don't start with the head, the victims get all fuzzy and don't feel anything else.
212. In their last moments, people show you who they really are. So, in a way, I know your friends better than you ever did.
213. This city deserves a better class of criminal.
214. Introduce a bit of anarchy, upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos.
215. I'm an agent of chaos.
216. You should know your limits. Otherwise, you'll be forced to learn them. What happens then?
You know how much you like to say 'I told you so'?
Even I won't want to, then. Probably.
217. You're the city's district attorney. If you're not being shot at, you're not doing your job right.
218. Any psychotic ex-boyfriends I should know about?
Oh, you have no idea.
219. So. You've gathered that one of the wealthiest men in town is a vigilante that goes out at night and captures criminals with his bare hands? And your plan is to blackmail this person?
220. Accomplice? I'm going to tell 'em it was your idea.
221. I trusted him to do the right thing.
Which was?
Saving my ass.
222. Don't be sorry. She'll need love, not pity.
223. When you're pissed, smart counts for naught.
224. I guess boys don't know you're supposed to hold your skirt down when you do that.
225. I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way.
226. This is why I'm not religious. I could never keep my mouth shut long enough to get along with anyone else.
I thought it was because you wouldn't join any religion that would accept you.
227. That's so wrong, I don't even know where to start.
228. Huh. I guess I'm a nicer person than I thought. You should be complimenting me.
229. It's a curse, being as talented as I am when I'm already obscenely good looking, but I soldier on, best I can.
230. I don't care what kind of creature you are. If you've got danglies and you can lose them, the thought makes you stop and think about the genital-related ramifications of your actions.
231. Oh, come on. If you can't laugh at the walking dead, who can you laugh at?
232. Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff.
233. Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true.
234. All charming people have something to conceal, usually their total dependence on the appreciation of others.
235. We live in a Newtonian world of Einsteinian physics ruled by Frankenstein logic.
236. I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.
237. It's very badly burned, and I can't guarantee you'll ever be able to use it again. I recommend an amputation.
What? No! My hand!
238. Shut up and dance.
239. Sounds like a plan.
Yes, it does. I just wish it sounded like a winning plan.
Do you have a better one?
240. She was smart and a great fighter, but no amount of training or forethought can prepare you for the sight of a frikkin' dinosaur coming to eat your ass.
241. Everybody who lets me ride on his dinosaur gets to call me by my first name.
242. If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.
243. You denied him?
I didn't like his hat.
244. The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
245. Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.
246. The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.
247. An errand is running to get a tank of gas or a carton of milk, not being chased by a giant monster that hurls incendiary poo.
248. Should we take the elevator?
No. Stairs. That way, when someone starts shooting at us, we have more room to flail and scream.
249. I didn't know you collected art.
I am one of the city's leading collectors of velvet Elvii.
Elvii?
I guess you could say "Elvises", but when I say it too often, I start calling things "My precious" and referring to myself with the royal we.
250. I suppose this is the point in the conversation where you expect me to reveal my secret plan?
What have you got to lose?
And I suspect you think I will tell you all of its vulnerabilities? I am wounded by the lack of professional respect that implies.
Chicken.
251. Life would be unbearably dull if we had all the answers to our questions.
252. One could mistake it for arrogance, the way you blame yourself for everything.
253. Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.
254. Never do anything you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.
255. The last thing the twenty-first century wants to do is admit it might not know everything.
256. I've filled my insincere courtesy quota for the day.
257. I wonder what my body would sound like slamming against the rocks, and I wonder when I land, will my eyes be closed or open?
258. And then we stabify him.
259. There was someone just like me sixty years ago, but he was cool as fuck.
260. Face it, this isn't the worst thing you've ever caught me doing.
261. I'm being ladylike. My tattoo is mostly covered by my boot and I'm only straddling this corner, rather than the whole chair.
262. I stand corrected and disturbed.
263. Dangerous for him or them?
Good question.
264. I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
265. The purpose of life is to fight maturity.
266. Reason has always existed, but not always in a reasonable form.
267. I am a killer that brings the bloody rain. You shouldn't cling to things that smell of blood.
268. Don't think too much of it, it was for dramatic effect.
269. The way I see it, you can either cry for the dead, or drink to them.
270. I used to wrestle with inner demons. Now, my demons and I just sit down for tea and scones, and occasionally argue about the weather.
271. A simple child that lightly draws its breath, feels its life in every limb, what should it know of death?
272. If you love something set it free, or cripple it so it can't get away.
273. I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
274. The sad truth is that excellence makes people nervous.
275. I need you to kill someone. I know how you like to kill people.
276. No one should go without having tasted good sake.
277. If you don't like sake, there's something wrong with you.
278. He tells me I'm hiding behind my eyes, and that my heart's been hard to find.
279. Good relationships are like fireworks; loud, explosive, and liable to maim you if you hang on too long.
280. I've been stayin' up drinkin' in late night establishments, tellin' strangers personal things.
281. If I think what I think I think, then I think I am the one I think I am.
282. Killing people's a lot easier than being politically correct.
283. What's wrong with you!?
NyQuil and Red Bull.
284. If they're little, they're tittles. And if they're big, they're ta-tonsters. Titzillas. Tittonics. Globes of Love.
285. Did you help him?
Couldn't. Laughing too hard.
286. Nothin' funnier than throwing in a couple of "holy shits" in "The Night Before Christmas", huh?
287. Beernog, what's that?
Well, you take eggnog, then pour it down the sink. And then you drink a beer.
288. Back in my day, we didn't have any shoot-'em-up games, we just went out and killed the assholes.
289. Blessed is the man too stupid to know what he's doing.
290. How many times a day do I have to threaten your life?
291. Sometimes the mind, for reasons we don't necessarily understand, just decides to go to the store for a quart of milk.
292. The case has, in some respects, been not entirely devoid of interest.
293. It's in our hands. It always was.
294. I want to watch your face twist as I eat your entrails.
295. Since my brother's the only one that's allowed to call me such things, I feel I must, at the very least, spit in your hair.
296. I'm...actually, I'm a super-magical human. I have been hiding this fact for a long time. But I have this precious kingdom to go back to. The reason why us super humans have long hair is that our great king Rubalru had a miracle vision when he was about to die. The person who gave him this vision is called Great Kandora! When Kandora used his super magic power, King Rulbaru's Super-Ultra-Magical-Force was freed like a bird and made him grow Ultra-Strong-Magical white long hair from his head! Just then, what happened was when King Rulbaru was resting, an enemy kingdom suddenly attacked him. He was in such a terrible situation! He thin asked Kandora for power! And then-
297. I apologize for the lack of warning, but it's time for my daily massacre.
298. Do they provide you with a textbook for cliché lines for villains?
299. There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have removed this line and replaced it with a small trout.
300. Anything so bad that the applause is sinister should have a universal ban on it.
301. I don't look anyone in the eyes, and I haven't let anyone lick me. It's kind of like visiting New York.
302. There should be a rule against having to kill anything more than once.
303. I've done smarter things. Once, I threw myself out of a moving car in order to take on a truckload of lycanthropes singlehandedly. That was monumentally smarter than my plan at this time.
304. It's that guy you are!
305. Grown-ups never understand anything for themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them.
306. Is there something wrong with you that you can't do this?
307. I should kill you now.
Try it, but remember, after the loud noise, go down the tunnel to the bright white light.
308. Oh, yes, do tell me "I told you so" with your dying breath.
309. I had to admire the courage of a man willing to banter while dangling like a ripe peach.
310. Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
311. Organized crime takes more than one form, and your god is no exception.
312. With all the humans here turning into wolves, I never once considered that a wolf would turn into a human.
313. Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted.
314. You are the only man I know that would smash the paws of creatures trying to save you.
315. Men are foolish. They will stare at anything female and naked.
316. Trespassers will be killed and eaten.
317. Don't mess with a wizard when he's wizarding, kid!
318. Put some clothes on you weird, yellow-eyed, table-dancing, werewolf-training, cryptic, stare-me-right-in-the-eyes-and-not-even-blink wench.
319. Do you regret your sins?
All but one.
320. If you were that simple, you'd be so dull that you'd blow your own brains out.
321. Honest to god, no kiddin', sure 'nuff, once in a lifetime love at first sight.
322. I've already told you. You die here.
323. Are you awake, yet?
324. What're we going to do?
Die. Well, hell, I was gonna do that anyway, but it's nice that I get to take you with me.
325. Don't pay attention to her breasts or lips or eyes. Just do your job.
I hate my job.
326. Aww, I'm touched!
I'll touch your head a few times to concrete the next time you say that.
327. Kids. I love kids. Pinch of salt, squeeze a bit of lemon over 'em, perfect.
328. I should have just stayed home and played with some nice, safe, forbidden black magic.
329. What are you doing?
You know how you used to scoot in your socks on the carpet to shock someone?
Yeah?
That. Only bigger.
330. "Crap," I said. I get very eloquent under duress.
331. Your mouth says no, but he says yes.
That thing is always saying something stupid.
332. Realism is a noble sacrifice if I get to throw old ladies into jet turbines.
333. You'll regret this.
No I won't. I have no reason to.
334. It seems you've lost an arm. You shouldn't leave things lying around like that.
335. Marcel Proust gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, 'cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you're 18... Ah, think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-- those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that.
336. Life is like a tube of toothpaste. We use it to the last bit.
337. God'd be a dyke if she could find someone to hold her, instead of holding her up as the dark image in the church.
338. Don't be sad. Even if the world won't forgive you, I'll forgive you.
Don't be sad. Even if you won't forgive the world, I'll forgive you.
So please tell me. How do you make you forgive me?
339. May God have mercy on you, 'cos I won't.
340. Watching two fat chicks dance is like watching two lava lamp fight.
341. My apologies to mother nature, 'cos I created you.
342. That's love for you-- dangerous stuff.
343. Do what you want and fuck the rest.
344. I want to cure your thirst, but you who are seeking the truth will not admit the truth
I can't cure your thirst, because the truth you expect isn't there.
But I want to cure your thirst because I am the one that threw you out in the desert.
345. Ah. I see it all so clearly, now. This is the plane of suck.
346. What does it say about my character that I'm finding him a little less horrifying each passing day?
347. They look sweet, but really they're just humiliated grapes.
348. When I'm outta here and finally find somebody to be a fuckbuddy/whatever, I am going to get seriously prissy if anyone tries to Leviticus things.
349. Let's all go to hell in a fast car and keep it hot!
350. A mountain that eats people. I want one.
351. I'm afraid that your place as my best companion is being replaced by the fellow who just tackled a dragon.
352. Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can't read them either.
353. So, you work with him, now?
Not really...
No, in fact, I work for her. She has me under threat of eye and tongue removal.
354. Personally I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.
355. Ever tried to satisfy a double-jointed woman while getting squirted with eye-milk?
356. I'm Ted. But people around here call me "Oh, shit, run."
357. It's dangerous to fuck with a bunch of stubborn idiots.
358. We may be guilty, but we're the happiest sinners in the world.
359. ... There's a problem. I think I love you more than initially intended.
360. Whatchya doin?
Making cookies.
How come? Special occasion?
Yes. I wanted cookies.
I've never baked anything before. Is it hard?
Not really. Follow instructions. And if you do it right, food happens.
And if you get it wrong?
Shame and recrimination, made that much worse by lack of cookies.
361. What's holding you up?
Oh, just my morals and a lingering sense of disgust.
362. He's an emotional wreck. Every time someone picks into his armor, he can't take it. He's unstable and naive.
Seems to run in the family.
I'm not naive.
363. Hey, did we...?
Does it matter?
YES! If it happened, I want to know!
364. So, what makes you angry?
I don't know.
What are you dealing with when you get angry?
.... People.
Right. So what is your solution?
.... KILL THEM ALL.
365. Death smiles at us all, and all we can do is merely smile back.
366. Where is he? Around here?
He's dead.
Ah. Could be anywhere, then.
367. Everybody believes in something and everybody, by virtue of the fact that they believe in something, use that something to support their own existence.
368. Children have a keen nose for secrets.
369. Boy, you just can't keep confused young men off you, can you?
370. I'm going to start wounding you now, and I'm not sure when I'll stop.
371. Here, have some emergency bourbon.
372. Every time I have a valium and a keg, I wind up with blood on my shirt, and I never know whose it is.
373. When it comes to luck, you have to know when to hold them or fold them. When it comes to skill, you have to know when you've lost.
374. The man who writes about himself and his own time is the only man who writes about all people and all time.
375. Don't tell me about what you do, because when you talk about it, I gotta think it.
376. Talk low, talk slow, and don't talk too much.
377. Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.
378. Okay, digit validation check.
379. An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.
380. The effort to understand the universe is one of the very few things that lifts human life a little above the level of farce, and gives it some of the grace of tragedy.
381. Fool-proof plans often underestimate the ingenuity of fools.
382. If you are not a psychiatrist, stay away from idiots. They are too stupid to pay a layman for his company.
383. I believe that religion can make a well-rounded person, or it can make an idiot.
384. You drank with demons straight from hell, they almost nearly won as well. You wiped the floor with victory, then puked until you fell asleep.
385. I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building.
386. That man is the richest whose pleasures are the cheapest.
387. Sometimes it's good to contrast what you like with something else. It makes you appreciate it even more.
388. Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter can be said to remedy anything.
389. Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is a nobler art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of nonessentials.
390. People often say that 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder,' and I say that the most liberating thing about beauty is realizing that you are the beholder. This empowers us to find beauty in places where others have not dared to look, including inside ourselves.
391. You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
392. I was thought to be 'stuck up.' I wasn't. I was just sure of myself. This is and always has been an unforgivable quality to the unsure.
393. It's a sad day when you find out that it's not accident or time or fortune, but just yourself that kept things from you.
394. We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.
395. What you risk reveals what you value.
396. I had an epiphany a few years ago where I was out at a celebrity party and it suddenly dawned on me that I had yet to meet a celebrity who is as smart and interesting as any of my friends.
397. The best way to keep one's word is not to give it.
398. Everyone has a theory on the bitter one.
399. Fallacies do not cease to be fallacies because they become fashions.
400. You shouldn't talk so much, it makes you sound stupid.
401. Who said hula hoop isn't a contact sport?
402. There are so many people now that I have to beat up that I'm going to forget if I don't write myself a note.
403. Is it a deathwish that makes you talk to me this way?
404. Don't tell me he wants to take over the world! Can't he come up with something more original?
405. I love the smell of C4 in the morning.
406. More like Miss Nemesis Face.
407. I won't die, even if they kill me.
408. And what's the real lesson? Don't leave things in the fridge.
409. You made the rain bleed...
410. She beat me like I owed her money!
411. THOU SHALT NOT KILL, REMEMBER?! What the hell kind of church man are you, anyway?!
412. I wouldn't mind if you want to kill me, but I might struggle a bit.
413. Man, that's a lot of eyeball.
414. The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
415. There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.
416. I have intense reservations against bleeding out on the crapper.
417. Funny how we treat time as tangible, spending it, wasting it, killing it, giving it, taking it. Especially when you consider that we can't do a damn thing to time, and it does everything to us.
418. Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
419. You developed early and started giving handjobs at age twelve, so now you can't stand to see yourself in the mirror, and now you pick on other girls to make yourself feel better, because you know that when your body is used up by age nineteen, you'll be an ugly burlap sack that even your stepdad won't want.
420. To err is human, and Microsoft is trying too hard to be a real boy.
421. I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
422. Don't you live somewhere that isn't here?
423. You look at the bad things and you have to teach yourself to love them. Flaws are what make people, flaws are what define us, and flaws should be loved more than the good things. Then the real trick is learning to do that when you look in the mirror.
424. This is the worst. Not only am I criminally undersexed, but this situation is making me think. I'm spending time thinking about things. It's unspeakably horrible.
425. And, finally, here are some completely gratuitous pictures of penises to annoy the censors and to hopefully spark some sort of controversy, which, it seems, is the only way, these days, to get the jaded, video-sated public off their fucking arses and back in the sodding cinema. Family entertainment? Bollocks. What they want is filth: people doing things to each other with chainsaws during Tupperware parties, babysitters being stabbed with knitting needles by gay presidential candidates, vigilante groups strangling chickens, armed bands of theatre critics exterminating mutant goats. Where's the fun in pictures? Oh, well, there we are. Here's the theme music. Goodnight.
426. Over my dead and mangled corpse!
427. Let go, just let go, it's so amazing here. It's alright, there's beauty in the breakdown.
428. People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.
429. Wide-eyed and hopeful, wide-eyed and hopefully wild.
430. God has a sense of humor. When women live in the same house, their biological clocks synchronize.
431. I'll be honest. I'm not sure if that look means you want to eat me or make me your man-bride.
432. The reverse side also has a reverse side.
433. That's much too logical to matter.
434. The problem is that I don't know if I love her or if I want to eat her.
435. I need a zill4 and duct tape.
436. I think I should warn you, before you talk to me- I'm a little strange.
437. If you're gonna ride my ass, at least pull my hair.
438. I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
439. There are two things that will be believed of any man whatsoever, and one of them is that he has taken to drink.
440. You cannot make a man by standing a sheep on its hind legs. But by standing a flock of sheep in that position you can make a crowd of men.
441. My loathings are simple: stupidity, oppression, crime, cruelty, soft music.
442. The great thing about democracy is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid.
443. Sometimes, the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.
444. Everyone is a genius at least once a year. The real geniuses simply have their bright ideas closer together.
445. I won't be indebted to you.
You can't mean that. You'll die here.
I mean it. I'd bite your ankles to prove it, but I can't reach them. If you'd be so kind to step forward?
446. I suppose that I shall have to die beyond my means.
447. A girl who cannot become a princess is doomed to become a witch.
448. America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.
449. Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
450. Bats' faces are flat from running into walls too often before they learn to use their echolocation.
451. I'm a traitor of the worst kind.
452. Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.
453. Biography lends to death a new terror.
454. I always like to know everything about my new friends, and nothing about my old ones.
455. Illusion is the first of all pleasures.
456. It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information.
457. It is always a silly thing to give advice, but to give good advice is fatal.
458. Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.
459. Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.
460. Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.
461. The aim of life is self-development. To realize one's nature perfectly - that is what each of us is here for.
462. To disagree with three-fourths of the British public is one of the first requisites of sanity.
463. There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.
464. We teach people how to remember, we never teach them how to grow.
465. Why was I born with such contemporaries?
466. Details are always vulgar.
467. The only thing that sustains one through life is the consciousness of the immense inferiority of everybody else, and this is a feeling that I have always cultivated.
468. I don't play accurately-any one can play accurately- but I play with wonderful expression. As far as the piano is concerned, sentiment is my forte. I keep science for Life.
469. Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.
470. I think I'm going to betray you guys at the last minute, just out of principle. Maybe sooner.
Join the club, man. Hell, I will race you.
471. Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
472. My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
473. Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years.
474. To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.
475. I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.
476. I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good characters, and my enemies for their good intellects. A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
477. There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up.
478. The reason we all like to think so well of others is that we are all afraid for ourselves. The basis of optimism is sheer terror.
479. The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself.
480. When a woman marries again, it is because she detested her first husband. When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. Women try their luck; men risk theirs.
481. There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written.
482. Disobedience, in the eyes of anyone who has read history, is man's original virtue. It is through disobedience and rebellion that progress has been made.
483. Women love us for our defects. If we have enough of them, they will forgive us everything, even our intellects.
484. The advantage of the emotions is that they lead us astray, and the advantage of science is that it is not emotional.
485. It is only an auctioneer who can equally and impartially admire all schools of art.
486. We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
487. You're not afraid, huh.
Why? What's there to be afraid of?
Nothing, I guess.
488. Fear is what motivates radical groups.
489. Jesus loves you, but the rest of us think you're an asshole.
490. Oh, was I rambling? Please forgive me. I'm mad.
491. I'm failing to see why you wouldn't pounce the bitch.
492. No object is so beautiful that under certain conditions it will not look ugly.
493. I need ice cream. And steak. And loud music and eighty miles an hour.
494. Bliss is a sandal and a peg leg in a field full of knotted tennis shoes.
495. Please don't pull stuff out of your crotch.
496. You process things really quickly.
Actually, if I had pants, I would have peed them by now.
497. It is your god-forsaken right to be loved
498. Did you know I used to be a bodyguard of the Chinese Emperor?
Did you know that the man behind you walks me home every night and carries a pistol?
499. We are looking at men who are looking to buy a revolution. They will not be so eager when they find out they'll have to pay for it with their lives.
-R.F.