(no subject)
Hey.
It's been a long time. Feels like years. Probably been at least one.
I was thinking about starting another blog, but then I think the content I'm thinking about should be here instead.
I'm twenty-six, now. I'll be twenty-seven in a few months.
You know, I think about where my mother's life was at this point in her life, or my father's, or Pops's, or what I'm sure my friends' are, or whatever.
I don't think they know any better what they're doing, but they were doing a better job at faking it. It really hurts my self-esteem to think about that.
But then, Mom was fumblefucking the same as I am now, but she had three and a half kids to worry about, too. And a husband.
Funnily enough, I forgive my father, now, because I know what he was doing, and I can relate to him much better.
Though I am keeping in contact-ish with all the kids I've had in my life. I think. Seeing as I'm not personally responsible for giving any of them life, I think a couple could have slipped through the cracks, but Jamae found me on facebook, and I'm keeping up with her oldest, this way, and Katie, and Ian, and I have every intention of talking to Lucian on a regular basis. (Probably Michael or Kainen, too, but Lucian is my favorite. I've been there so long...)
So, my search for where I belong and what I'm going to do continues. I'm still the same directionless, aimless, wandering soul I've always been. I've been claimed by my new household, but I feel like a mole on the face that is their family. Not that I don't belong, necessarily, but there are times where I'm a beauty spot and others where I'm a potential cancer, and overall I feel extrenuous and mostly useless. Unfortunately they've gotten to where this beauty spot is such a part of their life, they've based their lipstick colors and foundations to go with it, to work around it, and even have the blemish corrector to hide it when necessary. Everyone that they know knows my relationship with them, past and present.
I've let them (actually, just Mike, but I know it wouldn't have been so easy for him without the others) collar me. It was funny. I was putting the kids to bed, and Lucian has this thing where he wants me to lean against his bed and he likes to cuddle with my arms or shoulders or head and neck until he gets all the way sleepy, when he turns over and curls up and goes to sleep-- but anyway, he was cuddling me, and he took a hold of my collar at the d-ring and looped his finger in it and held onto it. I told Mike about this, and he chuckled and teased, "Is your other master getting jealous?"
I said, "I don't know, is he?"
'cos it's no secret. My role of Ima has become one of my favorites, and definitely high up on my priority list. I have stood at the sink on one foot while my other pushed his walker back and forth to keep him happy (I couldn't figure out how to wear him and do the dishes at the same time), I've carried him through everything, if I'm out with the family, Lucian is the one I've got (or both the boys, thank goodness for their independence).
Which is going to make it really hard when I have to leave. I'm set on this eventual departure, but I don't know when. And I don't actually want to. I feel like I should, but I don't know how to do it, and I don't want to. I really don't want to. I've bonded. It's stupid as fuck.
His second birthday was last month.
I'm considering prostitution as a career option. I lost the job at Electrolux in January, after a car accident that drove me into a severe fit of insanity that had me acting a complete ass.
But the main reason is that it makes my ability to consider lovers a lot more straightforward. I usually have this huge problem with the men wanting to sleep with me (and it's always men) failing to get my attention, and I feel like a tease, so now I've just got a "cash only" rule. Which has been working. Haha. And makes me some money. And I've got some condoms.
I've quit drinking, probably for good, just as probably temporarily. I lost control of that shit for a while. I actually wound up getting a DUI because I crashed the van I had into a field because of the drinking and attempting to text and drive. I had no business driving that evening. I had no business drinking, either.
I really lost my shit for about a year, there. Probably two or three years. I've been staggering and stumbling, metaphorically, from disaster to accident to mistake to ruinous situation. It's been rough. Even looking at it, now, I'm not surprised I've been doing so poorly. This year has been much better, though the totalling of my van and loss of a job...
Jesus. I've had a hell of a time. Jeez.
I'm alive, though. Still working on my bus. Getting there, too. That's been a lot of fun. Need to keep at that. Should probably do it, today, at least a little.
Oh well. Haha. Take care. Good luck. Ja.
-R.F.