Dirty Waters (J2, AU, R)
Title: Dirty Waters
Author: Vera
Pairing: Jensen/Jared, AU
Rating: R for implied violence
Disclaimer: Me no own.
Word Count: 4.500
Warnings: implied graphic violence; see summary
Summary: In order to appear more normal, Jensen decides Jared would make the perfect boyfriend - so he can continue being the nice librarian - and not the psychopathic serial killer he actually is. But he clearly underestimated Jared and the effect he would have on him.
Author’s Note: Written for spn_reversebang and based on chomaisky’s art prompt located here.
=> AO3 <=
Chapter One: Smile, the worst is yet to come.
“I don’t understand,” she wept, “Why are you doing this to me?”
“Oh honey,” Jensen stroked a gentle hand over her forehead. “It’s your eyes. They’re just too stunning to pass up.”
More tears rolled down her cheeks. She had long since given up struggling against her bonds. “Please… If you untie me, I promise I won’t run. I can… I can make this better for you. I’d be willing, you know?”
Jensen raised his eyebrows. Bargaining? How cute. He had to give her credit though. Stronger men had been complete blubbering messes at this point. He chuckled and wiped her tears away with his thumbs . “Oh, Sophia. I’m sorry, but you’re hardly my type at all.”
She blinked. “But you said…”
“It’s your eyes I want, not you.” With that he reached for his scalpel again and Sophia started screaming.
***
One look at the clock confirmed it was almost time. Jensen smiled, anticipating his next customer. At seven p.m. on the dot the doors opened and Jared waltzed in, going straight to his desk.
“Jensen. Hey.” Jared gave him a bright smile, showing off his dimples.
“Jared,” Jensen nodded in acknowledgement and looked down with a practised shy smile.
“I’ve got some returns for you.” Jared dropped a stack of books on the desk and pushed them in Jensen’s direction like an offering.
“Return box is over there.” Jensen pointed, knowing full well Jared knew where it was. After all, this was their usual spiel.
“I know,” Jared winked and lingered a little longer, waiting until Jensen looked up at him, holding his gaze. Jared’s smile grew brighter. “Well then. It was nice seeing you, Jensen.”
“Jared.” Jensen bit back a grin of his own when Jared turned to rifle through the shelves. He’d surely be back with some made-up questions later and then once more when he made Jensen scan his new materials personally, because he didn’t trust the self-service machine they put up a few months ago. Sometimes he wondered if Jared even read half of the volumes he walked out of here with each week.
He reached for his smart phone and opened up the Cupid app. ’You look nice tonight. Pink suits you.’
‘I dressed up for you. Glad it worked. ;)’ Came the reply only a minute later. And then, ’How’re my pants? Not too tight?’
Jensen grinned when Jared’s ass was suddenly in his line of vision as he bent down to get something from low on the shelf close to his desk. It was the travel section. Jared would not check out anything from it, he never did.
’Perfect.’ He texted back, adding a blushing emoticon for good measure.
Jared’s reply came in person when he straightened back up, sending a blinding smile and another wink in Jensen’s direction before slinking back off towards the crime division, making sure to sway his hips seductively.
Jensen bit his lip, watching him and wondering just what exactly he had signed up for here.
***
At first, he hadn’t been all too pleased when Jared had started showing up at his place of work. He’d long since made it a rule not to kill where he lived - but Jared’s eyes would make such a lovely addition to his collection. So, so lovely… Hence he’d seen it as unnecessary teasing on Jared’s part, especially when he kept coming by week after week. But then Kristen, his way-too-perky co-worker had started making fun of his secret admirer and why didn’t he just go for it? And Jensen realized that: yes. Why didn’t he?
He’d done an extensive background check on Jared and he was entirely harmless. He might come in here to check out crime novels and serious forensic compendiums, but he was probably just trying to write his own story and not join the police force. In fact, he was writing for a living - the engagements & marriages section of the local newspaper. Coupled with his flaunty pastel & floral prints style to dress himself and his whole happy-go-lucky attitude, he’d make the perfect boyfriend. Then Jensen wouldn’t be ‘that guy’ anymore. The ‘I dunno, he was always nice to his neighbors, but nobody ever visited him and he just always seemed a little off and like too much of a loner to me, officer. So yes, I definitely find him suspicious.” No, he’d be the friendly gay neighbor with the adorable boyfriend and no, he surely couldn’t harm a fly.
His research also told him that Jared was trying out online dating - he’d complained about it on his open Facebook profile - so Jensen had downloaded the app mentioned and signed up himself. Admittedly, he didn’t only pretend to be the shy, unassuming library nerd. He actually had no clue how to go about this thing with Jared. Jensen knew how to score hook-ups when he felt like it and he knew how to sweet-talk his victims, but Jared would be neither. So really, he was at a loss. And so far, neither of them had actually acknowledged their little chats when they met in person.
It turned out, Jensen was in luck, and Jared went there for him.
***
“Excuse me, sir, I have a question.” Jared came back to his desk as expected.
“Yes, Jared?” Jensen’s fingers were already poised over the keyboard, ready to type in the author or topic he’d come up with this time.
“A small, friendly restaurant around here to take somebody on a first date to. Preferably Italian.” Jared bounced on his heels, expression sheepish.
“What?” Jensen’s fingers twitched, not getting to do the expected typing.
“You’re the information desk, right?” Jared asked. “So. I’m looking for a nice restaurant around here to take…”
”I heard you the first time,” Jensen interrupted him, refraining for telling him that he wasn’t technically the ‘information desk’, he was in fact here maintaining the library software he’d written while also helping out with more mundane tasks when he felt like it. But he knew Jared didn’t mean to insult him. Jared meant to… meant to, what? Jensen started, suddenly getting it. “Mancini’s is good. It’s just two blocks down.”
“Great, thanks.” Jared nodded, turning to leave. But just as Jensen’s face was starting to fall, he turned back around. “Meet you there tomorrow at eight?” Jared asked hopefully.
Jensen gave it a small pause to not seem too eager. “Ok.” He flashed a smile and then looked back down. “Anything else I can help you with tonight, Jared?”
“Nope. I’m fine.” Jared knocked on the desk twice. “Splendid, actually. Thank you for your invaluable help, Jensen.” And then he added in a softer voice, “See you tomorrow.” With another smile thrown in his direction, Jared left the library without getting any books for the first time since Jensen met him.
***
Chapter Two: I’m gonna leave you anyway.
It went smoothly after the first date. Jensen, of course, had been prepared for Jared’s interests and hobbies, but he didn’t have to fake too much. They had a scary amount of things in common, right down to growing up in Texas. Jared’s childhood had been a lot happier than Jensen’s though. Not like Jensen divulged any of it. As far as anyone was concerned, he’d been adopted after bouncing around in different foster homes first, yes - not much he could really fake here without getting tangled up in a web of lies at some point later on - but he was grateful for the family he had and that was the end of it.
Truth was, in retrospect he was grateful that he’d been bounced around so much as a young child, because like this, he‘d learned to pretend early on and nobody saw the signs and put two and two together. Sure, he was a weird kid and he drew disturbing images, but who knew what happened in his last home? And his violent tendencies were to be expected. By the time he was old enough to be sent to counselling, he’d known which thoughts to best keep to himself and which urges had to be repressed until he was safe enough to let them out without getting caught.
Their third date proved to be a bit of a challenge though. Jensen’s hook-ups, just like his other more pleasant activities, took place out of town, where nobody knew him and he could live out his darker side with more or less experienced partners who didn’t find it weird if the shy librarian was suddenly very demanding. None of them knew his line of work, let alone his real name.
It helped that his programming skills had him travelling the country a lot. His software had become the leading brand for libraries all over and they kept calling him in with his unique expertise. The world was changing and nowadays you needed more knowledge in IT than a Bachelor’s in English Lit to properly run a library. Lucky for him, he had both: said Bachelor’s in English Lit as well as a B.o.S in Computer Science topped off with a Master in International Business.
Jared was equally versatile, as it turned out. He didn’t just stalk Jensen, he actually did his research and was secretly working on a Master’s Degree in Criminal Science with a special interest in Profiling. He hadn’t even shared this with his closest friends and he wasn’t officially signed in yet - which explained why Jensen’s prior online research did not warn him about it. Jared confessed it a few weeks in, when Jensen suggested he didn’t need alibi reasons to come visit him in the library anymore. That week of their first date, when he’d left without any books had actually put a dent in his timetable as he was loathe to admit. Jensen was impressed.
More so, he was intrigued. He knew he should stay as far away as possible after finding out Jared’s ‘secret identity’, but that put their relationship in a whole new light. It wasn’t just a necessity, a means to keep Jensen’s persona intact, it was a whole new game in itself. How far could he push Jared before he grew suspicious? How much of his true identity could he show before Jared would notice something was off?
And Jensen relished in it. Little comments he made, cold, calculating glances thrown in Jared’s way. It got even more thrilling when Jensen moved it to the bedroom. After those awkward first few times when he didn’t know how to behave, how hard Jared could take it, he delighted in the fact that Jared seemed to get off on being manhandled.
It started with a small bite that had Jared moan so much louder than Jensen’s usual soft kisses and had progressed to Jensen holding him down while fucking into him roughly. Jensen was still keeping himself in check, but he was amazed at how much fun he was having with Jared. He’d always assumed having a boyfriend would be a waste of time and energy, but Jared proved him wrong. And best of all, he had still collected his eyes, in a way. They only lit up for him.
***
Chapter Three: Now you’re just somebody that I used to know.
Ever since dating Jared, Jensen had refrained from hooking up with strangers. It just didn’t feel right. He might be a pretender out of necessity, but that didn’t mean he was a cheat. And even in the first few weeks of awkward sex, Jensen still didn’t feel the need for somebody else. After all, his hunts kept him fully satisfied. - He didn’t stop those. Not for Jared, not for anyone.
But there was still Misha.
Misha was his only exception. He wasn’t just a casual hook up never to be seen again. Jensen knew straight away that he’d end up under his knife at some point, but he had just been way too eager to get fucked to pass up on. And Misha was a good sport. He’d actually been under Jensen’s knife multiple times already, but not with the intent to kill.
But now he had Jared. So the next time Jensen was called in to the D.C. area, he knew it was time to break up with Misha.
They met at an abandoned building. Not unusual for them. Misha always got a kick out of pretending to be someone else, making up stories about living in the place, the memories they shared. Jensen usually blocked him out, but this time he decided to indulge him, playing along and making up a story about their first shower together while cuffing him to the pipes.
“You’re different today,” Misha remarked calmly, not straining against the handcuffs. “What changed?”
“I met somebody,” Jensen confessed.
“Oh,” Misha nodded. “You’re not even gonna fuck me first, then?” He looked at the hunting knife Jensen pulled put from under his coat.
Jensen felt mildly put-off that Misha could read him so clearly. “Sorry.”
Misha shrugged. “It’s my only regret.”
Jensen stopped cutting off Misha’s sweater. “Seriously?”
“If I said it was my dying wish, would you fuck me then?” Misha tried.
Jensen had to laugh. “No. But I’ll tell you what, because it’s you, Misha, I’m giving you the choice. Fast or slow?”
“Slow,” Misha replied without hesitation.
Jensen grinned happily and resumed cutting off his clothes, his mind already plotting where to cut into his skin next. “You know, I am actually gonna miss you a little.”
“No, you’re not. But it’s ok.” Misha looked him straight in the eye, gaze unwavering. “I just want you to remember me.”
Jensen cocked his head. He’d never had prey this calm before. Maybe Misha was actually ok with dying. Maybe he’d break in a while. Jensen couldn’t wait to find out. “Don’t worry,” he said. “I’m gonna keep a memento.” He winked and made his first real cut, straight across Misha’s chest.
A few hours later, Jensen got his answer. Misha had almost been as good a liar as Jensen was. Or maybe even the better liar, seeing how Misha had apparently figured out who Jensen was a long time ago. Still. They all broke, sooner or later.
When it was done, Jensen got the few canisters of lye solution from his car and filled the bathtub with it. This was one of his favourite methods for disposing of the body. He always varied, of course. He varied in his method of killing, too. He wasn’t stupid. He didn’t want to get caught. He didn’t need credit either nor was he dumb enough to start a cat and mouse game with the police by sending clues.
The one constant was the eyes. He always took them while they were still alive. He had to, otherwise they’d spoil and the color was ruined forever. And there would be no greater tragedy. No, as soon as they were extracted, he submerged them in a jar filled with formaldehyde to keep them in pristine condition until he could work with them further.
But since this was a constant, he made sure to dispose of the bodies in a way one couldn’t tell the eyes were missing. Hence the lye. Or a garbage disposal, or bashing their heads in before a clean dump. Animals were always awesome to have around. A disposal in a desert area ensured him the missing eyes would get blamed on vultures.
D.C. however was too far away from the desert and too crowded for anything else. Too many cameras around, too. This house was perfect though. Abandoned neighborhood, nobody to hear the screams. Jensen had hacked into the police system and disabled the video feed of the streets on his way here, just to be sure. The perks of studying computer science. He met a lot of hackers eager to show off and picked up a few helpful tricks.
When he was all done, Jensen whistled a happy tune on his way to the car. A clean break. He felt good. Now Jared was the only man in his life.
***
Interlude: Troubled sea so deep, troubled home no sleep.
Jared looked at the headline of his current chapter again. ‘Psychopaths: Just like you and I - except not’. He really had to stop reading this damn book, it was making him nothing if not paranoid. Then again, was it really the book’s fault? He’d felt weird around Jensen for a while now. Mostly, he was the perfect boyfriend. More so, he was a perfect match for Jared. Cute and sweet in every day life, attentive, too, but demanding and almost cruel in the bedroom. And Jared got off on it. Oh, did he ever get off on it.
It was just… the little things.
Like when Jensen almost choked on his food as Jared confessed his real interest in crime, or that one time Jared wondered aloud how anyone could kill another human being and Jensen’s answer had been a casual ‘Because it’s fun?’. Or the times he’d turned around and found Jensen looking at him with a creepy stare. It sent shivers down his spine. Not to mention Jensen’s complete disregard for anyone but Jared. At first it had been endearing and Jared felt special, but soon Jensen’s apparent lack of interest in having friends, not just his casual acquaintances - most of them co-workers - started to bother him.
It was the same with Jensen’s apparent obsession with his eyes. Cute at first, but comments such as ‘Sometimes I want to carve them right out of your skull and mount them to my desk so I can look at them all day’? Not so cute.
So Jared had started research, treating Jensen like the subject of one of the articles he wanted to write - not the fluff they forced on him. A correlation of unsolved murders in cities Jensen visited for work. It wasn’t easy. Sometimes he had to skip a few weeks until the bodies got found. And there was only the tiniest pattern between some of the killings, not all of them. But it would make sense. Jensen was smart. - In theory. Not like he actually indulged the thought that his boyfriend was a serial killer.
Until he discovered the one thing most of the victims had in common: Their recognizable facial features had been destroyed. And Jared suddenly felt sick. There had to be a pattern. Had to be. Serial killers always had a tell, as abstruse as it might be, there had to be something. And that’s when he really recounted the many times Jensen had gazed into his eyes longingly and made comments about them. Aside from mounting them on his desk, Jensen frequently mused how they’d make such a lovely addition to his collection. At first Jared had thought he was talking about his ex-boyfriends, but it was just such an odd way to phrase it. He wanted to ‘play with them’, too.
And then Jared had another scary thought. Jensen’s precious marble collection. He said it was something from his early childhood, a last gift of his mother’s, maybe? Jared couldn’t remember the details. He wasn’t technically forbidden from touching them, it’s just that he never wanted to and it kind of went unspoken that it was off limits. But Jensen wasn’t here now and Jared hadn’t found any secret crooks and crannies in his place. He’d looked. Jensen also wasn’t registered for any storage lockers and he surely wouldn’t keep mementos at the library.
Jared hesitated. Mementos. Trophies. God, he was so far gone. This was silly. Jensen wasn’t a killer. All the bodies were just a coincidence. People got murdered all the time. Statistically speaking, of course Jensen would be in town for them. Didn’t make him the killer.
But. But what if?
He just had to know. And he had a key to Jensen’s apartment. So he went. Once inside, he went straight to Jensen’s bedroom and spotted the bag on the nightstand. He could still back out, could still walk right back out, close the door, leave the apartment and pretend he’d never been here to snoop while Jensen was out for one of those business trips. But he’d come this far.
He picked it up and opened the velvety pouch, pouring some of them into his hand. And immediately pulled his hand away like he’d just gotten burned. The marbles fell to the floor and rolled under Jensen’s bed. Jesus. Eyes. Those had been eyes. Two of each, Jared could tell.
With a heavy sigh, he sat down on the bed and clutched at his stomach. He was gonna be sick. Oh god. What ever was he going to do now?
***
Chapter Four: Do you understand the way we’ll never be the same again?
Jensen was still feeling cheerful when he got back home from his trip. As cheerful as he could be anyway. Misha had been a good kill. It should keep him satisfied for a while. Or at least until his next trip to Chicago, when he’d finally visit Ian. See if his Instagram pictures did him justice or if they were enhanced. Instagram had made his hunts so much easier but sometimes he got nasty surprises.
When he opened his front door, he was surprised to find the lights on - and Jared in his living room. With newspaper clippings and profile pictures of a few of his victims along with some strangers littering his table. And Jensen’s trophy pouch in his hands.
He surveyed the scene calmly. No police present. Jared was looking pale and nervous. Jensen was pretty sure he was clutching a steak knife in the hand hidden behind his back. Smart and dumb at the same time. He should know that he’d never be able to overpower Jensen, not even build as Jared was.
“I’m not going to kill you,” Jensen said as way of greeting.
Jared visibly relaxed. “I’m not… I didn’t… I had to know if it was true.” He put the kitchen knife on the table and took a step back.
Jensen eyed the knife, then Jared, raising his eyebrow. “You know what I am yet you trust me?” This didn’t make sense. He wasn’t Misha. Jared didn’t have a death wish.
“You said you weren’t gonna kill me,” Jared crossed his arms, trying and failing to appear casual.
“And you’re just gonna believe me?” Jensen asked. “Why?”
“You wouldn’t risk it. You don’t know if I already informed the police or my boss or the FBI.” Jared gestured wildly. “The FBI, for fuck’s sake! Because you’ve been killing your way across the country, Jensen! Jesus!” He deflated and started to shake. Jensen suspected a part of Jared had still hoped he was wrong, but Jensen’s behaviour had proven him wrong.
Jensen sighed, moving in and closing his arms around Jared. He might not know what shock was from personal experience, but he knew how to deal with it. “Shh, Jay. It’s gonna be okay.”
Jared resisted him at first, trying to push him away, but then he hugged back with all he got, burying his face in Jensen’s neck and letting out a loud, dry sob. Jensen held him until he stopped shaking, then he slowly disengaged.
“I just don’t understand.” Jared looked at him, big eyes shining with tears, expression hopeful. “What made you this way, Jensen?”
“Why? If I tell you some sob story about having been abused as a child; or maybe I suffered early trauma witnessing my mother being killed? Will that make it better? Will that change things?” Jensen asked.
“Did you?” Jared prodded.
“Will you forgive me if I have a reason for killing, Jay? Would that make it ok in your book? If I just can’t help myself, if I was made that way instead of it just being who I am?” Jensen cocked his head expectantly. He didn’t have an answer to this question. And he wasn’t about to make one up. If there’d been a trauma, he’d successfully repressed it. Jensen had just always been different.
“I…” Jared hiccupped on a sob. “I dunno. Can’t you give me something?”
Jensen knew what he wanted. Jared wanted something to cling onto. A small flicker of hope, something to redeem Jensen of his sins and make it ok for Jared to stay with him. Or better yet, a point to work with to cure him so he wouldn’t have to kill anymore. “Sorry, Jay. This is who I am. I murder people. I take their eyes, because it brings me pleasure. And I won’t stop.”
Jared flinched, his gaze falling back on the table and the pouch he’d left there. Then he took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “What if you get caught?”
“I dunno,” Jensen shrugged. “What if you get run over by a bus tomorrow? We’ll deal with things if and when they happen. There’s no use in fretting over the unknown.” As far as he was concerned, he wouldn’t get caught. He wasn’t reckless. He wasn’t suicidal. Jensen wasn’t crazy. And Jared knew as much.
“What if I turn you in?” Jared raised his chin.
“Are you?” Jensen held his gaze steadily.
Jared cracked first, looking away. “No.” He hid his face in the crook of his arm and sniffled. “I love you, Jensen.” Jared reached out a shaking hand, stroking Jensen’s cheek. “I love you.” It was as much an admission of defeat as anything else.
In reply, Jensen leaned in and kissed him. Jared reciprocated eagerly and they moved to the bedroom, leaving the living room and all the mess behind for the time being.
***
Later that night, Jared was lying next to him, looking peaceful again in his sleep. Jensen brushed some loose strands of hair out of his face so he could watch him better. Poor Jared. So much passion, so many emotions. It was something Jensen honestly admired, envied even, maybe, but it was also Jared’s biggest weakness. It was a pity, really, Jensen mused. He’d grown attached, but all things must come to an end sooner or later. It was time to come up with a contingency plan.
But before he could begin to plot, Jared rolled over, his arm coming to rest over Jensen’s chest. He snuggled closer and Jensen sighed, giving in and cuddling him close. Just as his eyes were falling shut as well, Jared snapped him out of it.
“I’m not stupid, you know,” Jared whispered into his skin. “All my findings, proof of what you do, who you are, there are copies in a deposit box. And my bank is under strict instructions to deliver it to the police in case of my early demise.”
Jensen pretended to not have heard him, but it brought a smile to his face. Mutually assured destruction. Jared was smart. And it seemed like Jensen was stuck with him for the long haul. He threw a leg over one of Jared’s and kissed his forehead before settling in for a deep, satisfied nightmare-free sleep.
Author: Vera
Pairing: Jensen/Jared, AU
Rating: R for implied violence
Disclaimer: Me no own.
Word Count: 4.500
Warnings: implied graphic violence; see summary
Summary: In order to appear more normal, Jensen decides Jared would make the perfect boyfriend - so he can continue being the nice librarian - and not the psychopathic serial killer he actually is. But he clearly underestimated Jared and the effect he would have on him.
Author’s Note: Written for spn_reversebang and based on chomaisky’s art prompt located here.
=> AO3 <=
Chapter One: Smile, the worst is yet to come.
“I don’t understand,” she wept, “Why are you doing this to me?”
“Oh honey,” Jensen stroked a gentle hand over her forehead. “It’s your eyes. They’re just too stunning to pass up.”
More tears rolled down her cheeks. She had long since given up struggling against her bonds. “Please… If you untie me, I promise I won’t run. I can… I can make this better for you. I’d be willing, you know?”
Jensen raised his eyebrows. Bargaining? How cute. He had to give her credit though. Stronger men had been complete blubbering messes at this point. He chuckled and wiped her tears away with his thumbs . “Oh, Sophia. I’m sorry, but you’re hardly my type at all.”
She blinked. “But you said…”
“It’s your eyes I want, not you.” With that he reached for his scalpel again and Sophia started screaming.
***
One look at the clock confirmed it was almost time. Jensen smiled, anticipating his next customer. At seven p.m. on the dot the doors opened and Jared waltzed in, going straight to his desk.
“Jensen. Hey.” Jared gave him a bright smile, showing off his dimples.
“Jared,” Jensen nodded in acknowledgement and looked down with a practised shy smile.
“I’ve got some returns for you.” Jared dropped a stack of books on the desk and pushed them in Jensen’s direction like an offering.
“Return box is over there.” Jensen pointed, knowing full well Jared knew where it was. After all, this was their usual spiel.
“I know,” Jared winked and lingered a little longer, waiting until Jensen looked up at him, holding his gaze. Jared’s smile grew brighter. “Well then. It was nice seeing you, Jensen.”
“Jared.” Jensen bit back a grin of his own when Jared turned to rifle through the shelves. He’d surely be back with some made-up questions later and then once more when he made Jensen scan his new materials personally, because he didn’t trust the self-service machine they put up a few months ago. Sometimes he wondered if Jared even read half of the volumes he walked out of here with each week.
He reached for his smart phone and opened up the Cupid app. ’You look nice tonight. Pink suits you.’
‘I dressed up for you. Glad it worked. ;)’ Came the reply only a minute later. And then, ’How’re my pants? Not too tight?’
Jensen grinned when Jared’s ass was suddenly in his line of vision as he bent down to get something from low on the shelf close to his desk. It was the travel section. Jared would not check out anything from it, he never did.
’Perfect.’ He texted back, adding a blushing emoticon for good measure.
Jared’s reply came in person when he straightened back up, sending a blinding smile and another wink in Jensen’s direction before slinking back off towards the crime division, making sure to sway his hips seductively.
Jensen bit his lip, watching him and wondering just what exactly he had signed up for here.
***
At first, he hadn’t been all too pleased when Jared had started showing up at his place of work. He’d long since made it a rule not to kill where he lived - but Jared’s eyes would make such a lovely addition to his collection. So, so lovely… Hence he’d seen it as unnecessary teasing on Jared’s part, especially when he kept coming by week after week. But then Kristen, his way-too-perky co-worker had started making fun of his secret admirer and why didn’t he just go for it? And Jensen realized that: yes. Why didn’t he?
He’d done an extensive background check on Jared and he was entirely harmless. He might come in here to check out crime novels and serious forensic compendiums, but he was probably just trying to write his own story and not join the police force. In fact, he was writing for a living - the engagements & marriages section of the local newspaper. Coupled with his flaunty pastel & floral prints style to dress himself and his whole happy-go-lucky attitude, he’d make the perfect boyfriend. Then Jensen wouldn’t be ‘that guy’ anymore. The ‘I dunno, he was always nice to his neighbors, but nobody ever visited him and he just always seemed a little off and like too much of a loner to me, officer. So yes, I definitely find him suspicious.” No, he’d be the friendly gay neighbor with the adorable boyfriend and no, he surely couldn’t harm a fly.
His research also told him that Jared was trying out online dating - he’d complained about it on his open Facebook profile - so Jensen had downloaded the app mentioned and signed up himself. Admittedly, he didn’t only pretend to be the shy, unassuming library nerd. He actually had no clue how to go about this thing with Jared. Jensen knew how to score hook-ups when he felt like it and he knew how to sweet-talk his victims, but Jared would be neither. So really, he was at a loss. And so far, neither of them had actually acknowledged their little chats when they met in person.
It turned out, Jensen was in luck, and Jared went there for him.
***
“Excuse me, sir, I have a question.” Jared came back to his desk as expected.
“Yes, Jared?” Jensen’s fingers were already poised over the keyboard, ready to type in the author or topic he’d come up with this time.
“A small, friendly restaurant around here to take somebody on a first date to. Preferably Italian.” Jared bounced on his heels, expression sheepish.
“What?” Jensen’s fingers twitched, not getting to do the expected typing.
“You’re the information desk, right?” Jared asked. “So. I’m looking for a nice restaurant around here to take…”
”I heard you the first time,” Jensen interrupted him, refraining for telling him that he wasn’t technically the ‘information desk’, he was in fact here maintaining the library software he’d written while also helping out with more mundane tasks when he felt like it. But he knew Jared didn’t mean to insult him. Jared meant to… meant to, what? Jensen started, suddenly getting it. “Mancini’s is good. It’s just two blocks down.”
“Great, thanks.” Jared nodded, turning to leave. But just as Jensen’s face was starting to fall, he turned back around. “Meet you there tomorrow at eight?” Jared asked hopefully.
Jensen gave it a small pause to not seem too eager. “Ok.” He flashed a smile and then looked back down. “Anything else I can help you with tonight, Jared?”
“Nope. I’m fine.” Jared knocked on the desk twice. “Splendid, actually. Thank you for your invaluable help, Jensen.” And then he added in a softer voice, “See you tomorrow.” With another smile thrown in his direction, Jared left the library without getting any books for the first time since Jensen met him.
***
Chapter Two: I’m gonna leave you anyway.
It went smoothly after the first date. Jensen, of course, had been prepared for Jared’s interests and hobbies, but he didn’t have to fake too much. They had a scary amount of things in common, right down to growing up in Texas. Jared’s childhood had been a lot happier than Jensen’s though. Not like Jensen divulged any of it. As far as anyone was concerned, he’d been adopted after bouncing around in different foster homes first, yes - not much he could really fake here without getting tangled up in a web of lies at some point later on - but he was grateful for the family he had and that was the end of it.
Truth was, in retrospect he was grateful that he’d been bounced around so much as a young child, because like this, he‘d learned to pretend early on and nobody saw the signs and put two and two together. Sure, he was a weird kid and he drew disturbing images, but who knew what happened in his last home? And his violent tendencies were to be expected. By the time he was old enough to be sent to counselling, he’d known which thoughts to best keep to himself and which urges had to be repressed until he was safe enough to let them out without getting caught.
Their third date proved to be a bit of a challenge though. Jensen’s hook-ups, just like his other more pleasant activities, took place out of town, where nobody knew him and he could live out his darker side with more or less experienced partners who didn’t find it weird if the shy librarian was suddenly very demanding. None of them knew his line of work, let alone his real name.
It helped that his programming skills had him travelling the country a lot. His software had become the leading brand for libraries all over and they kept calling him in with his unique expertise. The world was changing and nowadays you needed more knowledge in IT than a Bachelor’s in English Lit to properly run a library. Lucky for him, he had both: said Bachelor’s in English Lit as well as a B.o.S in Computer Science topped off with a Master in International Business.
Jared was equally versatile, as it turned out. He didn’t just stalk Jensen, he actually did his research and was secretly working on a Master’s Degree in Criminal Science with a special interest in Profiling. He hadn’t even shared this with his closest friends and he wasn’t officially signed in yet - which explained why Jensen’s prior online research did not warn him about it. Jared confessed it a few weeks in, when Jensen suggested he didn’t need alibi reasons to come visit him in the library anymore. That week of their first date, when he’d left without any books had actually put a dent in his timetable as he was loathe to admit. Jensen was impressed.
More so, he was intrigued. He knew he should stay as far away as possible after finding out Jared’s ‘secret identity’, but that put their relationship in a whole new light. It wasn’t just a necessity, a means to keep Jensen’s persona intact, it was a whole new game in itself. How far could he push Jared before he grew suspicious? How much of his true identity could he show before Jared would notice something was off?
And Jensen relished in it. Little comments he made, cold, calculating glances thrown in Jared’s way. It got even more thrilling when Jensen moved it to the bedroom. After those awkward first few times when he didn’t know how to behave, how hard Jared could take it, he delighted in the fact that Jared seemed to get off on being manhandled.
It started with a small bite that had Jared moan so much louder than Jensen’s usual soft kisses and had progressed to Jensen holding him down while fucking into him roughly. Jensen was still keeping himself in check, but he was amazed at how much fun he was having with Jared. He’d always assumed having a boyfriend would be a waste of time and energy, but Jared proved him wrong. And best of all, he had still collected his eyes, in a way. They only lit up for him.
***
Chapter Three: Now you’re just somebody that I used to know.
Ever since dating Jared, Jensen had refrained from hooking up with strangers. It just didn’t feel right. He might be a pretender out of necessity, but that didn’t mean he was a cheat. And even in the first few weeks of awkward sex, Jensen still didn’t feel the need for somebody else. After all, his hunts kept him fully satisfied. - He didn’t stop those. Not for Jared, not for anyone.
But there was still Misha.
Misha was his only exception. He wasn’t just a casual hook up never to be seen again. Jensen knew straight away that he’d end up under his knife at some point, but he had just been way too eager to get fucked to pass up on. And Misha was a good sport. He’d actually been under Jensen’s knife multiple times already, but not with the intent to kill.
But now he had Jared. So the next time Jensen was called in to the D.C. area, he knew it was time to break up with Misha.
They met at an abandoned building. Not unusual for them. Misha always got a kick out of pretending to be someone else, making up stories about living in the place, the memories they shared. Jensen usually blocked him out, but this time he decided to indulge him, playing along and making up a story about their first shower together while cuffing him to the pipes.
“You’re different today,” Misha remarked calmly, not straining against the handcuffs. “What changed?”
“I met somebody,” Jensen confessed.
“Oh,” Misha nodded. “You’re not even gonna fuck me first, then?” He looked at the hunting knife Jensen pulled put from under his coat.
Jensen felt mildly put-off that Misha could read him so clearly. “Sorry.”
Misha shrugged. “It’s my only regret.”
Jensen stopped cutting off Misha’s sweater. “Seriously?”
“If I said it was my dying wish, would you fuck me then?” Misha tried.
Jensen had to laugh. “No. But I’ll tell you what, because it’s you, Misha, I’m giving you the choice. Fast or slow?”
“Slow,” Misha replied without hesitation.
Jensen grinned happily and resumed cutting off his clothes, his mind already plotting where to cut into his skin next. “You know, I am actually gonna miss you a little.”
“No, you’re not. But it’s ok.” Misha looked him straight in the eye, gaze unwavering. “I just want you to remember me.”
Jensen cocked his head. He’d never had prey this calm before. Maybe Misha was actually ok with dying. Maybe he’d break in a while. Jensen couldn’t wait to find out. “Don’t worry,” he said. “I’m gonna keep a memento.” He winked and made his first real cut, straight across Misha’s chest.
A few hours later, Jensen got his answer. Misha had almost been as good a liar as Jensen was. Or maybe even the better liar, seeing how Misha had apparently figured out who Jensen was a long time ago. Still. They all broke, sooner or later.
When it was done, Jensen got the few canisters of lye solution from his car and filled the bathtub with it. This was one of his favourite methods for disposing of the body. He always varied, of course. He varied in his method of killing, too. He wasn’t stupid. He didn’t want to get caught. He didn’t need credit either nor was he dumb enough to start a cat and mouse game with the police by sending clues.
The one constant was the eyes. He always took them while they were still alive. He had to, otherwise they’d spoil and the color was ruined forever. And there would be no greater tragedy. No, as soon as they were extracted, he submerged them in a jar filled with formaldehyde to keep them in pristine condition until he could work with them further.
But since this was a constant, he made sure to dispose of the bodies in a way one couldn’t tell the eyes were missing. Hence the lye. Or a garbage disposal, or bashing their heads in before a clean dump. Animals were always awesome to have around. A disposal in a desert area ensured him the missing eyes would get blamed on vultures.
D.C. however was too far away from the desert and too crowded for anything else. Too many cameras around, too. This house was perfect though. Abandoned neighborhood, nobody to hear the screams. Jensen had hacked into the police system and disabled the video feed of the streets on his way here, just to be sure. The perks of studying computer science. He met a lot of hackers eager to show off and picked up a few helpful tricks.
When he was all done, Jensen whistled a happy tune on his way to the car. A clean break. He felt good. Now Jared was the only man in his life.
***
Interlude: Troubled sea so deep, troubled home no sleep.
Jared looked at the headline of his current chapter again. ‘Psychopaths: Just like you and I - except not’. He really had to stop reading this damn book, it was making him nothing if not paranoid. Then again, was it really the book’s fault? He’d felt weird around Jensen for a while now. Mostly, he was the perfect boyfriend. More so, he was a perfect match for Jared. Cute and sweet in every day life, attentive, too, but demanding and almost cruel in the bedroom. And Jared got off on it. Oh, did he ever get off on it.
It was just… the little things.
Like when Jensen almost choked on his food as Jared confessed his real interest in crime, or that one time Jared wondered aloud how anyone could kill another human being and Jensen’s answer had been a casual ‘Because it’s fun?’. Or the times he’d turned around and found Jensen looking at him with a creepy stare. It sent shivers down his spine. Not to mention Jensen’s complete disregard for anyone but Jared. At first it had been endearing and Jared felt special, but soon Jensen’s apparent lack of interest in having friends, not just his casual acquaintances - most of them co-workers - started to bother him.
It was the same with Jensen’s apparent obsession with his eyes. Cute at first, but comments such as ‘Sometimes I want to carve them right out of your skull and mount them to my desk so I can look at them all day’? Not so cute.
So Jared had started research, treating Jensen like the subject of one of the articles he wanted to write - not the fluff they forced on him. A correlation of unsolved murders in cities Jensen visited for work. It wasn’t easy. Sometimes he had to skip a few weeks until the bodies got found. And there was only the tiniest pattern between some of the killings, not all of them. But it would make sense. Jensen was smart. - In theory. Not like he actually indulged the thought that his boyfriend was a serial killer.
Until he discovered the one thing most of the victims had in common: Their recognizable facial features had been destroyed. And Jared suddenly felt sick. There had to be a pattern. Had to be. Serial killers always had a tell, as abstruse as it might be, there had to be something. And that’s when he really recounted the many times Jensen had gazed into his eyes longingly and made comments about them. Aside from mounting them on his desk, Jensen frequently mused how they’d make such a lovely addition to his collection. At first Jared had thought he was talking about his ex-boyfriends, but it was just such an odd way to phrase it. He wanted to ‘play with them’, too.
And then Jared had another scary thought. Jensen’s precious marble collection. He said it was something from his early childhood, a last gift of his mother’s, maybe? Jared couldn’t remember the details. He wasn’t technically forbidden from touching them, it’s just that he never wanted to and it kind of went unspoken that it was off limits. But Jensen wasn’t here now and Jared hadn’t found any secret crooks and crannies in his place. He’d looked. Jensen also wasn’t registered for any storage lockers and he surely wouldn’t keep mementos at the library.
Jared hesitated. Mementos. Trophies. God, he was so far gone. This was silly. Jensen wasn’t a killer. All the bodies were just a coincidence. People got murdered all the time. Statistically speaking, of course Jensen would be in town for them. Didn’t make him the killer.
But. But what if?
He just had to know. And he had a key to Jensen’s apartment. So he went. Once inside, he went straight to Jensen’s bedroom and spotted the bag on the nightstand. He could still back out, could still walk right back out, close the door, leave the apartment and pretend he’d never been here to snoop while Jensen was out for one of those business trips. But he’d come this far.
He picked it up and opened the velvety pouch, pouring some of them into his hand. And immediately pulled his hand away like he’d just gotten burned. The marbles fell to the floor and rolled under Jensen’s bed. Jesus. Eyes. Those had been eyes. Two of each, Jared could tell.
With a heavy sigh, he sat down on the bed and clutched at his stomach. He was gonna be sick. Oh god. What ever was he going to do now?
***
Chapter Four: Do you understand the way we’ll never be the same again?
Jensen was still feeling cheerful when he got back home from his trip. As cheerful as he could be anyway. Misha had been a good kill. It should keep him satisfied for a while. Or at least until his next trip to Chicago, when he’d finally visit Ian. See if his Instagram pictures did him justice or if they were enhanced. Instagram had made his hunts so much easier but sometimes he got nasty surprises.
When he opened his front door, he was surprised to find the lights on - and Jared in his living room. With newspaper clippings and profile pictures of a few of his victims along with some strangers littering his table. And Jensen’s trophy pouch in his hands.
He surveyed the scene calmly. No police present. Jared was looking pale and nervous. Jensen was pretty sure he was clutching a steak knife in the hand hidden behind his back. Smart and dumb at the same time. He should know that he’d never be able to overpower Jensen, not even build as Jared was.
“I’m not going to kill you,” Jensen said as way of greeting.
Jared visibly relaxed. “I’m not… I didn’t… I had to know if it was true.” He put the kitchen knife on the table and took a step back.
Jensen eyed the knife, then Jared, raising his eyebrow. “You know what I am yet you trust me?” This didn’t make sense. He wasn’t Misha. Jared didn’t have a death wish.
“You said you weren’t gonna kill me,” Jared crossed his arms, trying and failing to appear casual.
“And you’re just gonna believe me?” Jensen asked. “Why?”
“You wouldn’t risk it. You don’t know if I already informed the police or my boss or the FBI.” Jared gestured wildly. “The FBI, for fuck’s sake! Because you’ve been killing your way across the country, Jensen! Jesus!” He deflated and started to shake. Jensen suspected a part of Jared had still hoped he was wrong, but Jensen’s behaviour had proven him wrong.
Jensen sighed, moving in and closing his arms around Jared. He might not know what shock was from personal experience, but he knew how to deal with it. “Shh, Jay. It’s gonna be okay.”
Jared resisted him at first, trying to push him away, but then he hugged back with all he got, burying his face in Jensen’s neck and letting out a loud, dry sob. Jensen held him until he stopped shaking, then he slowly disengaged.
“I just don’t understand.” Jared looked at him, big eyes shining with tears, expression hopeful. “What made you this way, Jensen?”
“Why? If I tell you some sob story about having been abused as a child; or maybe I suffered early trauma witnessing my mother being killed? Will that make it better? Will that change things?” Jensen asked.
“Did you?” Jared prodded.
“Will you forgive me if I have a reason for killing, Jay? Would that make it ok in your book? If I just can’t help myself, if I was made that way instead of it just being who I am?” Jensen cocked his head expectantly. He didn’t have an answer to this question. And he wasn’t about to make one up. If there’d been a trauma, he’d successfully repressed it. Jensen had just always been different.
“I…” Jared hiccupped on a sob. “I dunno. Can’t you give me something?”
Jensen knew what he wanted. Jared wanted something to cling onto. A small flicker of hope, something to redeem Jensen of his sins and make it ok for Jared to stay with him. Or better yet, a point to work with to cure him so he wouldn’t have to kill anymore. “Sorry, Jay. This is who I am. I murder people. I take their eyes, because it brings me pleasure. And I won’t stop.”
Jared flinched, his gaze falling back on the table and the pouch he’d left there. Then he took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “What if you get caught?”
“I dunno,” Jensen shrugged. “What if you get run over by a bus tomorrow? We’ll deal with things if and when they happen. There’s no use in fretting over the unknown.” As far as he was concerned, he wouldn’t get caught. He wasn’t reckless. He wasn’t suicidal. Jensen wasn’t crazy. And Jared knew as much.
“What if I turn you in?” Jared raised his chin.
“Are you?” Jensen held his gaze steadily.
Jared cracked first, looking away. “No.” He hid his face in the crook of his arm and sniffled. “I love you, Jensen.” Jared reached out a shaking hand, stroking Jensen’s cheek. “I love you.” It was as much an admission of defeat as anything else.
In reply, Jensen leaned in and kissed him. Jared reciprocated eagerly and they moved to the bedroom, leaving the living room and all the mess behind for the time being.
***
Later that night, Jared was lying next to him, looking peaceful again in his sleep. Jensen brushed some loose strands of hair out of his face so he could watch him better. Poor Jared. So much passion, so many emotions. It was something Jensen honestly admired, envied even, maybe, but it was also Jared’s biggest weakness. It was a pity, really, Jensen mused. He’d grown attached, but all things must come to an end sooner or later. It was time to come up with a contingency plan.
But before he could begin to plot, Jared rolled over, his arm coming to rest over Jensen’s chest. He snuggled closer and Jensen sighed, giving in and cuddling him close. Just as his eyes were falling shut as well, Jared snapped him out of it.
“I’m not stupid, you know,” Jared whispered into his skin. “All my findings, proof of what you do, who you are, there are copies in a deposit box. And my bank is under strict instructions to deliver it to the police in case of my early demise.”
Jensen pretended to not have heard him, but it brought a smile to his face. Mutually assured destruction. Jared was smart. And it seemed like Jensen was stuck with him for the long haul. He threw a leg over one of Jared’s and kissed his forehead before settling in for a deep, satisfied nightmare-free sleep.