farewell.
A few more finals and one english assignment remain to be finished, and then I'm done with my junior year, and done with Scarsdale High School, which is really surprising, and needless to say, shocking, if i come to think of it. It has been a long time since everything started three years ago, and it has been a drastic change. Absolutely nothing is the same. nothing.
First I reminisce my freshman year. the year of naivete and blindness. attempting to conform, while not knowing how. I feared ignorance and seeked popularity, and did all i could do to receive attention, so i could feel like I'm fitting in. For better or for worse, people did pay attention to me since, i suppose, i was good at being and saying things that are peculiar. by the end of the year, and this may sound exaggerated, but the majority of my grade, if not school, got to know my name. and I thought I won. I thought i accomplished my goal. but in truth, people who i thought were laughing with me were actually laughing at me. I was merely a clown. I didnt know anybody. nobody knew me. and sadly i didnt notice this until a while later.
My sophomore year. perhaps because my sense of observing things got a little mature, i realized there was something different in the way people looked at me. People still instigated me to be a clown, and I attempted to continue, still adamantly believing that it is the way for connection. But I realized there was something different in the eyes of my audience. perhaps it was a sign of derision, a sign of despise, or a sign of hatred, to be turgid. I became frustrated with what i saw, and over time i realized how fake i was. how naive i was in my freshman year. this started the phase of self-criticism-and-bashing. i realized my histrionics have grown like a parasite. it went out of control. everytime i impulsively do something outrageous, i felt really guilty for myself. i hated it. i felt like crap and, lonely.
the good news was that i finally got to know some real people.
which includes the famous frans koster. with him I found true joy in being the centre of attention. his fame was substantial and he eventually got me into politics. wonderful times at slave to the grind. also i could relate to him because i thought we had the same insecurities and weaknesses.
getting close to mark gill, and marky was another impact. i showed up at one party, and a large number of people screamed my name, which made me uncomfortably flattered and annoyed.
gill later said "I wanted to kill all those people." i remember bing so happy to hear that because that's really how i felt. there was finally someone who hated my celebrity as much as i did. gill, i'm pretty sure you dont remember this but that meant a lot to me.
andrea. undoubtedly the most angelic person i've ever met.
eric. kimi ni ha nani mo iwanaku temo boku no kimochi ha wakarudeshou. nuff said.
abi and julia. i was enlightened when i became best friends with them. abi, we got along perfectly from the first time we met. that i have never experiencde until i met you. yer my best friend.
then my junior year. at this point, I was sick and tired of having to get attention, and no longer cared what people thought of me. i found that I'm not really a likeable human being either. to be turgid, i hated myself. i pointlessly whined about it too. i also grew sick of people becoming pseudo-intellectual, which turned off my interest in political discussions. instead, perhaps due to my habit of self-observation, i became interested in philosophy and began to privately reading stuff about it. this was totally for the purpose of enjoyment. i didnt want to be or look intelligent or anything. it was just fun. there was no reason other than that.
although i whined a lot, now i realize that it doesnt really matter. i was surrounded by good people. old ones and new ones.they were the most amazing people ive met. all of whom i promish i will never cease to respect.
i'm not gonna say names because there are so many, and i think you konw who you are. but lets just note that natasha laurenson and sam leeds are the most wicked edgemontians. and the study group with luna and sophia was the shiiit. with green food coloring and sex.
i remember matt fox (who i absolutely revere) once saying to me that i turned out to be a completely different person from whom he expected me to be. i understand. it's been a drastic change. but i dont think i as a person have changed that much. i just became aware of things. in all honesty, those of you who still think i am "cool", i'm afriad you are all dead wrong. today i find myself as an insecure, sensitive little kid. and i guess i'm ok with that. and i dont really need to hate myself. i'll just see what i can do.
and so here i am going away from scarsdale. as i mentioned a while ago, i dont feel like going back, at all. a number of people have tried to convince me that this is gonna be a positive change for me. but, i'm sorry, i will never think that way. every single one of you i promise i will painfully miss, and i mean it when i say every single one of you. no matter how much i complained and whined, the pst 3 years were the best years of my life. no exaggeration. and i'm so sad i can't spend my senior year in scarsdale with all of you guys. all i can say for now, is that i want to present all of you with my utmost gratitude. i'm sorry i was a trouble-maker, but thank you so much for having me in your little pieces of adolescentia. thank you.
and emily i love you.