Helping vs Being Helpful

[m_danson]

spiritonparole requested that I reprint this post for discussion here. I've included some of the discussion she and I had at the end of the post.

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Something gelled in my head recently. The words are still slippery but the concept is solid.

I don't like being helped.

I like being offered aid, knowledge, opinions, solutions, tools, and support. I

Comments

[spiritonparole]

Thanks for posting this here! If you like, you may also snag my comment to your "emotional concerns" response and paste it in with the text of our discussion.

[m_danson]

Done.

[spiritonparole]

Thanks. This post was just too good not to let out into the theoretical playpen.

[two_little_fish]

It is so very hard to 'help' somebody.
Much easier to simply respect them and let them be who they need to be, let them do whatever they need to do.
I think when the voice in the head starts telling, 'you must help...' it starts to become really unnatural and forced, not only for the 'helped' but for the 'helper' too, so that in the end neither are 'helped'...
People never stop trying to help, though. :)
I'm kind of glad for it, perhaps because I don't know better... ?

[enkigrl]

I've got a friend (ISFJ, as far as I can tell) who likes to offer what I consider to be useless and irrational help. For example - my washing machine is broken. I am waiting two days for the apartment complex to bring in a new one, free of charge, and I have more than enough clean clothes to make it until this point. ISFJ-friend offers the services of his washer, which means I'd have to haul all my clothes over to his house (never mind that I'm without a car, so I'd have to beg a ride or take it on the bus) and back. He feels fluffy and warm because he's 'helping' out a friend, and doesn't, as far as I can tell, actually expect me to take him up on the offer. I'm just annoyed by the idiocy of it all.

[saeble]

you've also neatly sidestepped the issue of self deception in the helpee, I've 'helped' a few troubled souls even when vehemently forbidden to do so. Pouring an irritable and sometimes downright aggro drunk into a taxi after stealing his keys comes to mind

[night_princess]

Yes, I have been known to go over, usurp the situation, and "fix" things when people were just incompetent or plain wrong (as I think most Js have done at some point or another), and I do get satisfaction from setting things right or making things better (even if it's "right" or "better" only in my opinion). I can see how this can be considered something other than "helping", however

[night_princess]

Upon further contemplation, the difference between "helping"/"being helpful" and "fixing" would be ownership/responsibility. The word "help" implies a lack of responsibility. If I'm helping someone or "being helpful", that "helpee" is ultimately still going to be responsible for what I'm doing. If I'm taking over and fixing things, then the responsibility becomes mine

[m_danson]

I hadn't thought of the responsibility angle. Thanks for pointing it out.

[karenjulip]

I guess I'm not sure what the difference is exactly between helping and being helpful. Is it a matter of helping when asked for help vs when not specifically asked? Or is it a matter of how you feel when receiving the help