Dear Ukhties ...
Dear ukhties,
I think, people always have those days where they think they undergo some sort of mental disorder, and for me today is that day. The moment i got home, clean up, gave my mom the cake we bought together, and here i am, crying for you guys.
I don’t know this feeling. I’m confused, am i mad? Am i happy? Blessed? I don’t know, but i’m sure this is beacause all of you. Today, we made, i have to say, a messy plan, of birthday surprise for May-Trio. Messed up, but we made through. I always love seeing how we made it through with all of the efforts, though i always feel i didn’t take part. I feel useless. We squealed over booklet, mv teaser, fancams, we had debate on love life, we ranted on how our academic goes.
I hate you guys for this. You have perfect lives! One had a bachelor degree already, the others are progressing with their thesis, another assigned for exchange, the youngest is the most diligent of us all. I hate how you make me feel so useless. I don’t understand why do i deserve to have friends like all of you.
Despite the years we’ve spent together, i didn’t even remember how did i get to know you guys in the first place, i’m sorry. Everytime we go out, i think i distracted you guys of other things more important, be it work, education, family matters, etc. I don’t know why, because my lack of conciousness, i hate that i can’t read all of your signs, your character, i don’t know if you’re sad or angry. Please, don’t make face in front of me. Please tell me the real deal. Because i am dense.
I hate how i can spill out my weakness, my fright to all of you, but i still can’t read you. I have been really careful to every act i made in front of you. I’m sorry if that sounds that i’m not being myself when i’m with you guys, but i’m not. I do that because i don’t know what to do, i don’t want you guys going away with no warning because i don’t understand unless people say something wrong to me.
But i guess, you never know how much people around you meant to yourself, until you’re hurt. Guys, i’m hurting, for all of you. That’s enough to prove how much you guys meant to me. Thank you so much for being there everytime i need a push. Though i think i’d breakdown more in the future, i wouldn’t know, but i hope you guys still there. I’m not expecting much to be lifted up. As long as i can see the picture of you guys doing fine, that’s okay with me. Because, i don’t know what will happen in the future, we may live separated, being busy on our own that we won’t meet up as often as before, probably our relationship will grow further, as we gain new friends, new colleagues, and though-my biggest fear-i might lost you guys, (because, you’re doing fine making friends, i don’t), i think i’ll be fine. I love you ukhties, so much, because i’m hurting right now.
I’m sorry for the untold stories, because we’re too loud when we’re all together, for not noticing your feelings, because i’m too dense, for distracting you guys away so that we could go out and do nothing and feel relieved by the end of the day. For the long trip, for listening to my unimportant stories, for the lent money (haha), etc. I owe you so much that even if i trade my soul, i don’t think it’d paid off, for this cheesy,emo,letter on a blog. I’m sorry. I wish you guys luck and happy lives.
And because this is an open letter, i’ll embarass myself and make this entry public
Ne-chan