I WROTE SOMETHING
I had a sudden and unavoidable urge to write a badfic a little bit ago. It's really strange because I've never written any kind of fanfic and I haven't written anything in about two years, in school or otherwise. It was an interesting experience trying to get back into it but I'm really happy with how it turned out. Also I ripped off that line about Huey drowning in a pool from that one badfic that had Kaz almost tripping and dieing because that line is amazing.
Ocelot's Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day
"Dammit, it's a good day to be British", surmised Zero.
Thousands of miles away, Big Boss shuddered without knowing why. He was just waking up at Outer Heaven.
Ocelot came into his room and BB said, "Hello, my name is Big Boss but you may call me Big."
Ocelot grimaced at BB's ever slipping sanity but was glad to see him nonetheless. "You called, boss?"
"Dammit Ocelot, I am not your mother. Now go put these hamsters around the base. They'll protect Outer Heaven from tanks and cave demons. You're the only man I can trust with the mission. Godspeed." He handed Ocelot keys to a truck filled with hamsters.
Ocelot was accustomed to this by now and just went with it.
As he drove around in his truck full of hamsters, Adam felt very disappointed with his life. When he got to the Squeaky Sand area, he let some hamsters out and sighed. Apparently this is Zanzibar Land now by the way.
Just then, a Japanese man appeared in a flash of lightning and glitter.
"Herro Ocerot. :3 Rot seems to be the matter?" Kojima asked in a stereotypical manner.
Being an MGS character, Ocelot had seen his fair share of bizarre people, and he was undaunted. "Get back to your position, soldier." Ocelot was too tired to insult him properly.
":3"
"How the hell did you do that", Ocelot was confused by the cat smiley. Kojima just smiled.
"Oh my precious creation, there are things even you cannot know." Kojima was just being a dick now.
Ocelot aimed his gun at him like he does with all his problems.
"For dat, I make you more gay in next metar gear. :3"
Ocelot just kind of stared at him.
"For now, I reprace your burrets wif penishes. :3" And with that, Kojima disappeared again.
Ocelot had hamsters to tend to so he just linefaced and started back to his truck.
Sensing a weakened Ocelot, Miller time paradoxed himself into existence from his MSF days. The inevitable bitch fight that ensued was like no other that Outer Heaven had ever lay witness to. Ocelot and Kaz made fun of each others scarf and ascot respectively because there wasn't much else to do.
Why Ocelot was still wearing his Spetsnaz uniform in Outer Zanzibar is anybody's guess.
The two vessels for Kojima's trolling were able to settle their differences temporarily by discussing their Big Bossuality.
"I've never loved anyone the way I love John. I didn't know I could fall in love with another human being before I met him. The Philosophers always told me that I was above emotions like that, that I had the discipline to suppress my humanity," said Ocelot oocly.
The other homo nodded, "Zero himself warned me not to fall in love with boss, but he defies the terms and limits of sexuality," Kaz said, not really knowing what he was talking about. "Obviously I failed my mission."
At the mention of the British monster, Big Boss sprinted out to the sexually deprived man and Miller.
"WHO SAID HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED...'S NAME?" BB shouted in a very embarrassing way.
"Oh hi boss," said Nice!Kaz innocently.
"Hmm, since you haven't been here long I'll let it slide in to you. With you. Yeah." Big Boss was an articulate man.
When he created Outer Heaven, BB instated a law against being British in public. It was like the only law they had really. Mentioning Zero's name in public was a cardinal sin punishable by nude shower beatings.
"Zero!" yelled Ocelot.
"Oh Ocelot, you're so edgy," Big Boss laughed and pat him on the back.
Suddenly Ocelot changed his name to include "Revolver". He had long flowing locks. His voice changed like Dan Green in Yugioh.
Big Boss was grossed out by Oldcelot. "Geeze Adam, I was going to have you shoot Kaz but you're apparently a hippy now."
"Did I seriously spend the last 40 years dedicated to this guy?" Oldcelot said Lee Van Cleefily.
"Yes, yes you did." BB said.
He and Time Paradox Miller brofisted. Not in that way.
"I can't wait to shoot you in the face with nerve poison," Ocelot Lee Van Cleefed Miller. "I don't need to take this. I'm a goddamn cowboy." Ocelot then ran away.
And he ran. He ran so far away. And he ran. He ran all night and day. But couldn't get away.
After Big Boss made a puss in boots joke, Strangelove showed up.
"John, Hideo Kojima is in preparations to launch nukes at Antarctica. What use could that possibly have? I swear, you men are in a competition to see which of you is the biggest simpleton."
But her warning fell on deaf ears. Big Boss flinched.
Oh shit. Another British person. Big Boss got the fuck out of there. Miller was left to derp around by himself. He discussed boobs with Strangelove.
Elsewhere in Outer Heaven, Otacon was on a computer posting on 4chan and making Metal Gear. Ocelot was suddenly young again because I feel like it. Youngcelot ran into him and Otacon shared Kojima's plan with him.
"Are you calculating the missile impact time?"
"...No, a-actually I was just reading, eh, Stray."
Ocelot shot him in the face.
Meanwhile, Big Boss was djing under the name Big Bass. It was also his name when fishing. His porn name was Big Boss.
He came up with a plan to get rid of that spooky British dyke. He sent her to go join the Patriots.
"Their Britishness will cancel them out!" BB said, not quite understanding quantum mechanics. He also sent Huey because gimps give Outer Heaven a bad reputation.
In return, Zero FedExed baby Liquid to him; a British Big Boss created to freak out Big Boss. BB's window to Hell scared him muchly. He Carl Gustav'ed it numerous times but the Liquid just kept coming back. He was part Big Boss, part cockroach, part British. Or perhaps it was just BB and British and Matthew Mcconaughey. The world may never know. Cam Clarke just made matters worse.
"SIMPLY AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Big Boss screamed as he continued his unnecessary onslaught. He called in the Cobra Unit because they are cool except Fury who is physically hot in terms of temperature. Although now that he is a ghost, I guess he is cool too. Now that I think about it, Raikov would probably come back and haunt Ocelot by grabbing his crotch with his cold ghostly hand to catch him by surprise. If he is dead that is. Which I don't believe he is. Groznyj Grad probably offered good health insurance. Eventually BB just put Liquid back in the box (that he didn't deserve) and returned to sender.
Back at Otacon's computer, Ocelot was disturbed by the internet. Sigint was using his invention to troll Ocelot and just about every other MGS character.
"Stop drawing hideous porn of me!" Ocelot yelled at LiveJournal. He then found girls in their early twenties pretending to be gay Russian military men. For fun. This gave him the idea to rp as Liquid if his arm ever got cut off by a cyborg ninja. He later died from this but whatever.
Eventually after two minutes he found the Big Boss/Ocelot tag and all was forgiven.
Author's note: I had never heard of ocelots before Kojima introduced them to me. He is such a worldly man.
Ocelot was then on match.com looking for a real John. One that was sneaky and kind of retarded but with an IQ of 180 and smelled of meat. He was not successful.
Feeling pouty, he left and went to Groznyj Grad, where Volgin was operating a parking lot over what used to be Groznyj Grad so really it wasn't Groznyj or a Grad anymore. It was not a profitable business because it was impossible to drive to that part of the Ural mountains.
"Hi, Eugene." Ocelot greeted the electro rapist sullenly.
"Ocelot! Have you come to join the Groznyj Grad Pride Parade? We were just getting started. You can be the cowboy!" Volgin squealed gleefully.
The parking lot was now home to all the Groznyj Grad soldiers and their floats and techno music and homogay. Volgin was the parade leader and the skies rained vodka and Raikov thought all this was a white Russian Christmas.
Ocelot decided he should probably go tell John about that whole nuke thing so he went back to Zanzibar Heaven Outer Land. Along the way he contemplated mixing his DNA in with Johns the next time Paramedic whipped up a fresh batch of clones. Naked Ocelot would make such a cute baby name. Shalashaka Boss Adam Snakeska Revolver John Ocelot Big Naked would look good on the birth certificate too.
Upon his return, he found Kojima and Big Boss having a good time together, laughing loudly at a television screen.
"What is this? Why are you laughing?" he asked.
"Nothing, it's just that I was playing MGS3 and your face while Volgin was beating me in Sokolov's room was hilarious. It looked like you were going to cry hahahaha!" He was playing on Very Easy. "This Hideo guy is giving me commentary and he says you're in love with me, isn't that the silliest thing?"
"John...I am in love with you."
"Adam...are you trying to tell me something?"
"I love you so much that I've dedicated my entire life to serving you in hopes that you would one day love me in return. Or at least see me as man worthy of your time."
"What are you trying to say?"
"I want you to claim me as yours forever. John, look what you're doing to me. I had Paramedic give me facial reconstruction surgery to look like Lee Van Cleef."
"Asselot, get to the point already, I'm no good at deciphering cryptic messages like you are. And what's a Lee Van Cleef? Is it like a Carl Gustav?"
"I want to have an emotional and physical relationship with you in the fullest of their meanings."
"Would ya put that in layman's terms? I may technically be a genius but that doesn't mean I'm a genius. Seriously, you're making me feel like an idiot. Do not make me corner you in the shower."
Kojima just laaaaaaughed.
"If you don't mind, I'd like to find out what happens to OH MY GOD WHY DID YOU SHOOT OUT MY EYE?" Big Boss lifted up his eye patch to get a better look.
Exasperated, Ocelot shot the ps2 or 3.
"Well that's a creative place to holster your gun, Ocelot." Kojima was showing Big Boss LiveJournal.
Ocelot was really getting pissed at this Hideo guy. "Boss, this man is planning to send nukes to Antarctica. We need to stop him before he creates an ecological disaster."
"Nukes!? This needs to end now Kojima!" BB exclaimed in a fleeting moment of clarity.
A flash of light over the horizon signaled that it was too late. Big Boss spat out his Honey Nut Zerios.
"Uh oh, Spaghettios," pontificated Big Boss. Ocelot was horrified at this. The Spaghettios thing, not the nukes. I mean really.
"SANTA NOOOOOO" Big Boss had lost his hero.
A good man was broken that day. John became a hard man.
He was going to form Outer Heaven. Again.
"Ah. Metar Gear: Guns and Hamsters of Hard Men can begin production. Rook out fanboys." Kojima was fucking vicious. He left.
Big Boss got over it. "Hey, why did you shoot a penis at my ps2 or 3...?"
"That Kojima did this to me. Emmerich probably wondered why that penis killed him too. Poor bastard."
The future Hell Master happily gathered the fallen penises around Land Outer Zanzibar Heaven. Even the one embedded in Otacon's eye. Somewhere, pchat loved this.
Kaz was then in the room with BB and Ocelol. "Hey, if we are Big Bossual then why do we like boobs so much?"
"As a baby I was never breastfed and Philosopher milk is bitter and viscous. I simply long for what I never had." Ocelot had clearly put way too much thought in to this. Strangelove used her Britishness to telekinetically tell Ocelot that his mom's boobs were fantastic and that he should be proud.
Before returning to his own time, Kaz gifted Big Boss with a portrait of Adam and Eve modified to include Kaz (who was giving a thumbs up in the picture) and the Patriots. "I had one of those LiveJournal girls commission this! I like how Zero is embodied in Ocelot's crotch leaf! So much symbolism."
Big Boss used this portrait as target practice to show his appreciation.
All his attention turned to Ocelot. "Adam. Adamska. Adamushka. Adamushkamishka. Mushka," he cooed affectionately.
"Ocelot, you have always been my favorite gay cat cowboy spirit medium gun and torture fetishizing Russian American Gru Spetsnaz NSA CIA Philosopher Patriot Cobra Foxhound Son of Liberty quadruple crossing spy and nothing can change that." Big Boss hugged Ocelot. No. John hugged Adam.
Their hug kind of looked like this.
"Oh now you realize I'm gay. Right." Ocelot should have just kept his mouth shut.
"What are you getting at?"
"B|" Ocelot audibly linefaced. "Dammit! Now I'm doing it."
"What happens in the box stays in the box." Maybe Big Boss did get it. But probably not. Either way, Ocelot was happy.
Later that day, Big Boss addressed the soldiers of Outer Land Heaven 2 as well as Eva, Ocelot and Kaz.
"I'm actually asexual but thanks for all your hard work you guys. :D"
Grey Fox was like what
Ocelot liked to believe he was straight in a gay way.
Well, now asexual in a gay way.
In the end, Miller went to jail for being a dead beat dad and not paying child support, Huey drowned in a pool and Strangelove was kicked out of the Patriots for sexually harassing Paramedic.
It was a beautiful life.
Huh. Spellcheck didn't catch "Adamushkamishka" but anyway thank you for reading this thing.
Ocelot's Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day
"Dammit, it's a good day to be British", surmised Zero.
Thousands of miles away, Big Boss shuddered without knowing why. He was just waking up at Outer Heaven.
Ocelot came into his room and BB said, "Hello, my name is Big Boss but you may call me Big."
Ocelot grimaced at BB's ever slipping sanity but was glad to see him nonetheless. "You called, boss?"
"Dammit Ocelot, I am not your mother. Now go put these hamsters around the base. They'll protect Outer Heaven from tanks and cave demons. You're the only man I can trust with the mission. Godspeed." He handed Ocelot keys to a truck filled with hamsters.
Ocelot was accustomed to this by now and just went with it.
As he drove around in his truck full of hamsters, Adam felt very disappointed with his life. When he got to the Squeaky Sand area, he let some hamsters out and sighed. Apparently this is Zanzibar Land now by the way.
Just then, a Japanese man appeared in a flash of lightning and glitter.
"Herro Ocerot. :3 Rot seems to be the matter?" Kojima asked in a stereotypical manner.
Being an MGS character, Ocelot had seen his fair share of bizarre people, and he was undaunted. "Get back to your position, soldier." Ocelot was too tired to insult him properly.
":3"
"How the hell did you do that", Ocelot was confused by the cat smiley. Kojima just smiled.
"Oh my precious creation, there are things even you cannot know." Kojima was just being a dick now.
Ocelot aimed his gun at him like he does with all his problems.
"For dat, I make you more gay in next metar gear. :3"
Ocelot just kind of stared at him.
"For now, I reprace your burrets wif penishes. :3" And with that, Kojima disappeared again.
Ocelot had hamsters to tend to so he just linefaced and started back to his truck.
Sensing a weakened Ocelot, Miller time paradoxed himself into existence from his MSF days. The inevitable bitch fight that ensued was like no other that Outer Heaven had ever lay witness to. Ocelot and Kaz made fun of each others scarf and ascot respectively because there wasn't much else to do.
Why Ocelot was still wearing his Spetsnaz uniform in Outer Zanzibar is anybody's guess.
The two vessels for Kojima's trolling were able to settle their differences temporarily by discussing their Big Bossuality.
"I've never loved anyone the way I love John. I didn't know I could fall in love with another human being before I met him. The Philosophers always told me that I was above emotions like that, that I had the discipline to suppress my humanity," said Ocelot oocly.
The other homo nodded, "Zero himself warned me not to fall in love with boss, but he defies the terms and limits of sexuality," Kaz said, not really knowing what he was talking about. "Obviously I failed my mission."
At the mention of the British monster, Big Boss sprinted out to the sexually deprived man and Miller.
"WHO SAID HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED...'S NAME?" BB shouted in a very embarrassing way.
"Oh hi boss," said Nice!Kaz innocently.
"Hmm, since you haven't been here long I'll let it slide in to you. With you. Yeah." Big Boss was an articulate man.
When he created Outer Heaven, BB instated a law against being British in public. It was like the only law they had really. Mentioning Zero's name in public was a cardinal sin punishable by nude shower beatings.
"Zero!" yelled Ocelot.
"Oh Ocelot, you're so edgy," Big Boss laughed and pat him on the back.
Suddenly Ocelot changed his name to include "Revolver". He had long flowing locks. His voice changed like Dan Green in Yugioh.
Big Boss was grossed out by Oldcelot. "Geeze Adam, I was going to have you shoot Kaz but you're apparently a hippy now."
"Did I seriously spend the last 40 years dedicated to this guy?" Oldcelot said Lee Van Cleefily.
"Yes, yes you did." BB said.
He and Time Paradox Miller brofisted. Not in that way.
"I can't wait to shoot you in the face with nerve poison," Ocelot Lee Van Cleefed Miller. "I don't need to take this. I'm a goddamn cowboy." Ocelot then ran away.
And he ran. He ran so far away. And he ran. He ran all night and day. But couldn't get away.
After Big Boss made a puss in boots joke, Strangelove showed up.
"John, Hideo Kojima is in preparations to launch nukes at Antarctica. What use could that possibly have? I swear, you men are in a competition to see which of you is the biggest simpleton."
But her warning fell on deaf ears. Big Boss flinched.
Oh shit. Another British person. Big Boss got the fuck out of there. Miller was left to derp around by himself. He discussed boobs with Strangelove.
Elsewhere in Outer Heaven, Otacon was on a computer posting on 4chan and making Metal Gear. Ocelot was suddenly young again because I feel like it. Youngcelot ran into him and Otacon shared Kojima's plan with him.
"Are you calculating the missile impact time?"
"...No, a-actually I was just reading, eh, Stray."
Ocelot shot him in the face.
Meanwhile, Big Boss was djing under the name Big Bass. It was also his name when fishing. His porn name was Big Boss.
He came up with a plan to get rid of that spooky British dyke. He sent her to go join the Patriots.
"Their Britishness will cancel them out!" BB said, not quite understanding quantum mechanics. He also sent Huey because gimps give Outer Heaven a bad reputation.
In return, Zero FedExed baby Liquid to him; a British Big Boss created to freak out Big Boss. BB's window to Hell scared him muchly. He Carl Gustav'ed it numerous times but the Liquid just kept coming back. He was part Big Boss, part cockroach, part British. Or perhaps it was just BB and British and Matthew Mcconaughey. The world may never know. Cam Clarke just made matters worse.
"SIMPLY AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Big Boss screamed as he continued his unnecessary onslaught. He called in the Cobra Unit because they are cool except Fury who is physically hot in terms of temperature. Although now that he is a ghost, I guess he is cool too. Now that I think about it, Raikov would probably come back and haunt Ocelot by grabbing his crotch with his cold ghostly hand to catch him by surprise. If he is dead that is. Which I don't believe he is. Groznyj Grad probably offered good health insurance. Eventually BB just put Liquid back in the box (that he didn't deserve) and returned to sender.
Back at Otacon's computer, Ocelot was disturbed by the internet. Sigint was using his invention to troll Ocelot and just about every other MGS character.
"Stop drawing hideous porn of me!" Ocelot yelled at LiveJournal. He then found girls in their early twenties pretending to be gay Russian military men. For fun. This gave him the idea to rp as Liquid if his arm ever got cut off by a cyborg ninja. He later died from this but whatever.
Eventually after two minutes he found the Big Boss/Ocelot tag and all was forgiven.
Author's note: I had never heard of ocelots before Kojima introduced them to me. He is such a worldly man.
Ocelot was then on match.com looking for a real John. One that was sneaky and kind of retarded but with an IQ of 180 and smelled of meat. He was not successful.
Feeling pouty, he left and went to Groznyj Grad, where Volgin was operating a parking lot over what used to be Groznyj Grad so really it wasn't Groznyj or a Grad anymore. It was not a profitable business because it was impossible to drive to that part of the Ural mountains.
"Hi, Eugene." Ocelot greeted the electro rapist sullenly.
"Ocelot! Have you come to join the Groznyj Grad Pride Parade? We were just getting started. You can be the cowboy!" Volgin squealed gleefully.
The parking lot was now home to all the Groznyj Grad soldiers and their floats and techno music and homogay. Volgin was the parade leader and the skies rained vodka and Raikov thought all this was a white Russian Christmas.
Ocelot decided he should probably go tell John about that whole nuke thing so he went back to Zanzibar Heaven Outer Land. Along the way he contemplated mixing his DNA in with Johns the next time Paramedic whipped up a fresh batch of clones. Naked Ocelot would make such a cute baby name. Shalashaka Boss Adam Snakeska Revolver John Ocelot Big Naked would look good on the birth certificate too.
Upon his return, he found Kojima and Big Boss having a good time together, laughing loudly at a television screen.
"What is this? Why are you laughing?" he asked.
"Nothing, it's just that I was playing MGS3 and your face while Volgin was beating me in Sokolov's room was hilarious. It looked like you were going to cry hahahaha!" He was playing on Very Easy. "This Hideo guy is giving me commentary and he says you're in love with me, isn't that the silliest thing?"
"John...I am in love with you."
"Adam...are you trying to tell me something?"
"I love you so much that I've dedicated my entire life to serving you in hopes that you would one day love me in return. Or at least see me as man worthy of your time."
"What are you trying to say?"
"I want you to claim me as yours forever. John, look what you're doing to me. I had Paramedic give me facial reconstruction surgery to look like Lee Van Cleef."
"Asselot, get to the point already, I'm no good at deciphering cryptic messages like you are. And what's a Lee Van Cleef? Is it like a Carl Gustav?"
"I want to have an emotional and physical relationship with you in the fullest of their meanings."
"Would ya put that in layman's terms? I may technically be a genius but that doesn't mean I'm a genius. Seriously, you're making me feel like an idiot. Do not make me corner you in the shower."
Kojima just laaaaaaughed.
"If you don't mind, I'd like to find out what happens to OH MY GOD WHY DID YOU SHOOT OUT MY EYE?" Big Boss lifted up his eye patch to get a better look.
Exasperated, Ocelot shot the ps2 or 3.
"Well that's a creative place to holster your gun, Ocelot." Kojima was showing Big Boss LiveJournal.
Ocelot was really getting pissed at this Hideo guy. "Boss, this man is planning to send nukes to Antarctica. We need to stop him before he creates an ecological disaster."
"Nukes!? This needs to end now Kojima!" BB exclaimed in a fleeting moment of clarity.
A flash of light over the horizon signaled that it was too late. Big Boss spat out his Honey Nut Zerios.
"Uh oh, Spaghettios," pontificated Big Boss. Ocelot was horrified at this. The Spaghettios thing, not the nukes. I mean really.
"SANTA NOOOOOO" Big Boss had lost his hero.
A good man was broken that day. John became a hard man.
He was going to form Outer Heaven. Again.
"Ah. Metar Gear: Guns and Hamsters of Hard Men can begin production. Rook out fanboys." Kojima was fucking vicious. He left.
Big Boss got over it. "Hey, why did you shoot a penis at my ps2 or 3...?"
"That Kojima did this to me. Emmerich probably wondered why that penis killed him too. Poor bastard."
The future Hell Master happily gathered the fallen penises around Land Outer Zanzibar Heaven. Even the one embedded in Otacon's eye. Somewhere, pchat loved this.
Kaz was then in the room with BB and Ocelol. "Hey, if we are Big Bossual then why do we like boobs so much?"
"As a baby I was never breastfed and Philosopher milk is bitter and viscous. I simply long for what I never had." Ocelot had clearly put way too much thought in to this. Strangelove used her Britishness to telekinetically tell Ocelot that his mom's boobs were fantastic and that he should be proud.
Before returning to his own time, Kaz gifted Big Boss with a portrait of Adam and Eve modified to include Kaz (who was giving a thumbs up in the picture) and the Patriots. "I had one of those LiveJournal girls commission this! I like how Zero is embodied in Ocelot's crotch leaf! So much symbolism."
Big Boss used this portrait as target practice to show his appreciation.
All his attention turned to Ocelot. "Adam. Adamska. Adamushka. Adamushkamishka. Mushka," he cooed affectionately.
"Ocelot, you have always been my favorite gay cat cowboy spirit medium gun and torture fetishizing Russian American Gru Spetsnaz NSA CIA Philosopher Patriot Cobra Foxhound Son of Liberty quadruple crossing spy and nothing can change that." Big Boss hugged Ocelot. No. John hugged Adam.
Their hug kind of looked like this.
Click to view"Oh now you realize I'm gay. Right." Ocelot should have just kept his mouth shut.
"What are you getting at?"
"B|" Ocelot audibly linefaced. "Dammit! Now I'm doing it."
"What happens in the box stays in the box." Maybe Big Boss did get it. But probably not. Either way, Ocelot was happy.
Later that day, Big Boss addressed the soldiers of Outer Land Heaven 2 as well as Eva, Ocelot and Kaz.
"I'm actually asexual but thanks for all your hard work you guys. :D"
Grey Fox was like what
Ocelot liked to believe he was straight in a gay way.
Well, now asexual in a gay way.
In the end, Miller went to jail for being a dead beat dad and not paying child support, Huey drowned in a pool and Strangelove was kicked out of the Patriots for sexually harassing Paramedic.
It was a beautiful life.
Huh. Spellcheck didn't catch "Adamushkamishka" but anyway thank you for reading this thing.