(no subject)
I still haven't given up on writing things that aren't porn. This is another of those anonlovefest prompts.
Title: Don't look back in anger
Author: Raven
Rating: PG-13
Prompt: Oasis - don't look back in anger: please dont put your life in the hands of a rock'n'roll band, you'll throw it all away
Brendon gives Ryan an ultimatum, him or the band.
Warnings: not really. bit of angst.
Disclaimer: not true.
In retrospect, Ryan knows there were signs. When it happens, though, it hits him out of the blue, maybe even more so because somewhere down the line, he’s stopped expecting the worst, stopped bracing himself for disappointment at every turn. He’s started to believe in always and forever and all those terms he used to despise, because of them. Because of Spencer and Jon, sure, but most of all because of Brendon. Because this wasn’t ever supposed to end.
“You what?” he asks, the infliction of the question lost in the mask of detached and level he forces on his words when blankness is the only alternative to falling off a giant fucking cliff.
“I’m thinking about…” Brendon starts again, but Ryan’s on his feet before Brendon finishes the sentence, waving a hand at Brendon frantically as though it wouldn’t be real if he didn’t say it again. There isn’t much space for pacing in a bus lounge but Ryan’s trying his best. He can’t sit down now. He can’t let realisation crash down on him and if he doesn’t move, doesn’t fucking run, fast, now, it will.
Brendon, on the other hand, sits motionless, which is just another indication of how fucking wrong everything is. He looks tired. That’s not even true. Brendon looks exhausted. Brendon looks defeated. Brendon looks like everything he never used to be.
Ryan knows, of course. He knows Brendon has had trouble sleeping and he knows Brendon has lost weight. They’ve talked about it. It’s been all over the press, there have been meetings with the band, the management (meaning someone called Pete), Zack’s been on their case relentlessly. Still. None of it had ever spelt the end to Ryan.
He’d been lying next to Brendon at night, trading urgent kisses in silence like it wasn’t real when it was just the two of them. He’s been fucking Brendon, hard and breathless and desperate, holding on to him, trying to pin him down and keep him, against all odds.
Now, that’s what Brendon wants. Just the two of them, holed up somewhere where there is no music, no fighting about lyrics, no screaming fans, no nagging reporters. No dreams fulfilled.
He’s not even asking, he’s just putting it there, conjuring a giant elephant in the lounge and sitting there hanging his head while the beast is stomping round the place tearing everything to shreds.
“You’re the singer”, Ryan mumbles weakly, like that’s gonna change anything. Like Brendon doesn’t know. If anything, Brendon gets it too much. Brendon has to put up with the shouting if he doesn’t get the lyrics right, has to deal with Ryan crying and withdrawing and almost losing his mind every time he doesn’t understand what Ryan wants him to do. Needs him to do.
Ryan knows it’s not fair to even think about all of that right now. He shouldn’t be. He should be thinking about what Brendon needs. He should remember the panic attacks and the throwing up and the prescription medication and grab his boyfriend’s hand and walk into the sunset with him.
That’s love, right? That’s the shit he writes about. Only it’s all a lie and they both know it. Words are Ryan’s first love, his one true love. Words let you paint your world in colours your eyes can stand looking at. Words give you power whereas people take it away from you. People make you trust and then kick your face in the dirt and you’re left with nothing.
Words don’t betray you. Words can’t love you back.
“Ryan?” Brendon’s voice isn’t much above a whisper, but he knows. He’s known since he put the ultimatum out there. There can’t be a band without Brendon, but if Brendon takes that away from Ryan, if Brendon takes away the only voice he’s ever trusted to tell his truth, there can’t be BrendonandRyan anymore, either.
“Please don’t hate me, Ryan.” Brendon sounds desperate. He knows it’s hopeless and he doesn’t cry when Ryan doesn’t answer and walks off the bus without looking back.
Title: Don't look back in anger
Author: Raven
Rating: PG-13
Prompt: Oasis - don't look back in anger: please dont put your life in the hands of a rock'n'roll band, you'll throw it all away
Brendon gives Ryan an ultimatum, him or the band.
Warnings: not really. bit of angst.
Disclaimer: not true.
In retrospect, Ryan knows there were signs. When it happens, though, it hits him out of the blue, maybe even more so because somewhere down the line, he’s stopped expecting the worst, stopped bracing himself for disappointment at every turn. He’s started to believe in always and forever and all those terms he used to despise, because of them. Because of Spencer and Jon, sure, but most of all because of Brendon. Because this wasn’t ever supposed to end.
“You what?” he asks, the infliction of the question lost in the mask of detached and level he forces on his words when blankness is the only alternative to falling off a giant fucking cliff.
“I’m thinking about…” Brendon starts again, but Ryan’s on his feet before Brendon finishes the sentence, waving a hand at Brendon frantically as though it wouldn’t be real if he didn’t say it again. There isn’t much space for pacing in a bus lounge but Ryan’s trying his best. He can’t sit down now. He can’t let realisation crash down on him and if he doesn’t move, doesn’t fucking run, fast, now, it will.
Brendon, on the other hand, sits motionless, which is just another indication of how fucking wrong everything is. He looks tired. That’s not even true. Brendon looks exhausted. Brendon looks defeated. Brendon looks like everything he never used to be.
Ryan knows, of course. He knows Brendon has had trouble sleeping and he knows Brendon has lost weight. They’ve talked about it. It’s been all over the press, there have been meetings with the band, the management (meaning someone called Pete), Zack’s been on their case relentlessly. Still. None of it had ever spelt the end to Ryan.
He’d been lying next to Brendon at night, trading urgent kisses in silence like it wasn’t real when it was just the two of them. He’s been fucking Brendon, hard and breathless and desperate, holding on to him, trying to pin him down and keep him, against all odds.
Now, that’s what Brendon wants. Just the two of them, holed up somewhere where there is no music, no fighting about lyrics, no screaming fans, no nagging reporters. No dreams fulfilled.
He’s not even asking, he’s just putting it there, conjuring a giant elephant in the lounge and sitting there hanging his head while the beast is stomping round the place tearing everything to shreds.
“You’re the singer”, Ryan mumbles weakly, like that’s gonna change anything. Like Brendon doesn’t know. If anything, Brendon gets it too much. Brendon has to put up with the shouting if he doesn’t get the lyrics right, has to deal with Ryan crying and withdrawing and almost losing his mind every time he doesn’t understand what Ryan wants him to do. Needs him to do.
Ryan knows it’s not fair to even think about all of that right now. He shouldn’t be. He should be thinking about what Brendon needs. He should remember the panic attacks and the throwing up and the prescription medication and grab his boyfriend’s hand and walk into the sunset with him.
That’s love, right? That’s the shit he writes about. Only it’s all a lie and they both know it. Words are Ryan’s first love, his one true love. Words let you paint your world in colours your eyes can stand looking at. Words give you power whereas people take it away from you. People make you trust and then kick your face in the dirt and you’re left with nothing.
Words don’t betray you. Words can’t love you back.
“Ryan?” Brendon’s voice isn’t much above a whisper, but he knows. He’s known since he put the ultimatum out there. There can’t be a band without Brendon, but if Brendon takes that away from Ryan, if Brendon takes away the only voice he’s ever trusted to tell his truth, there can’t be BrendonandRyan anymore, either.
“Please don’t hate me, Ryan.” Brendon sounds desperate. He knows it’s hopeless and he doesn’t cry when Ryan doesn’t answer and walks off the bus without looking back.