Saved
Disclaimer: I don’t own it. I just borrowed the characters for a little while.
Warning: Suicide attempt
Rating: T for suicide attempt
Dedicated to my friend who tried to commit suicide when she was younger, before I knew her. I love you Casey and I’m glad you’re here with me.
Remus lifted the blade in his hand and watched as the moonlight reflected off of it. One quick motion and it would all be over. Then he could join his love. It was easy.
His hand moved so that the blade was positioned over his wrist. Remus took a deep breath and looked back out at the moon.
“Wait for me Sirius. I’m coming.”
Not looking down, Remus cut the blade into his yielding skin and pulled back several inches. The cut was deep. That was good. The deeper it was, the quicker he would lose blood and die. His hand opened and the stained blade fell to the carpet. The blood was flowing faster now and Remus could feel himself getting light headed. His free hand grasped the window sill as he continued to stare up at the moon.
How many times had he and Sirius sat on the window sill in their dorm, and later here in their home, gazing up at the moon. It was Sirius who helped him see that the moon was beautiful. When they first began dating, they never spent a night apart from each other. It had become their tradition to sit by the window and gaze at the moon. Several times Sirius took him outside and they laid in the grass, stargazing.
The memories were sweet. It helped negate some of the pain. Death was coming for him quickly, he could feel it. Remus’ knees buckled, no longer able to support him, and he collapsed on the carpet. Looking up, the werewolf found that he could no longer see the moon. It was fitting in a way. Sirius had not been able to see the moon when he died. Now Remus would die the same way, unable to see the moon.
Ironically, it had been the moon that had brought them together. The moon had forced Remus to turn into a wolf once a month, forced him to lie to his friends about his disappearances. Those disappearances had caused his dorm mates to become curious, leading to them finding out his darkest secret and accepting him regardless. It had been a full moon the night Sirius confessed that he loved him. A few minutes before his transformation actually. Having that thought in his mind as he transformed had made the transformation a little bit easier.
Death was so close. Remus’ vision had slowly been decreasing, blackness creeping in from the edges. He could no longer feel the pain from his wrist or hear the gentle chirping of the crickets. There was only a small piece of his vision left. A face filled it, looking so heart wrenchingly familiar that Remus wished death would finish claiming him so he could join Sirius. The mouth moved and though Remus could not hear what it was saying, he could guess. Sirius was calling to him. Remus could feel his lips curve up into a final smile as they whispered a name he could not hear.
“Sirius.”
His eyes fluttered close and the blackness over took him.
OoO
Sirius pounded on the door of the house he and Remus had shared. While he wanted nothing more to burst into their house, he didn’t want to scare Remus too badly. When no answer came after a few minutes, Sirius wondered if Remus was sleeping too deeply to hear the pounding on the door.
Remus. The last thing he remembered seeing was Remus holding Harry back as he fell into the veil. Then there was nothing. After what seemed like a few short minutes to him, he suddenly found himself stumbling forward into a world full of colors. The first thing his mind registered seeing was Dumbledore’s relieved face.
The kind old wizard had explained that Sirius had been behind the veil, technically dead, for two months. Sirius’ heart had twisted, imagining the pain that Remus was surely feeling. Not wasting any time, he had left the ministry and hurried here to their house. Now he was standing on the front step, waiting to see if Remus would answer. Still receiving no answer, Sirius pulled out his wand and unlocked the door.
It was immediately obvious to him that Remus wasn’t in the kitchen or living room. Both rooms were dark and empty when he glanced into them. Sirius hurried down the short hall to the bed room the two canines had shared. He opened the door quietly, fully expecting to find Remus somewhere in the room, perhaps curled up in bed, or see a light shining under the bathroom door, indicating that his love was in there.
What he saw instead was enough to make his heart stop for several seconds. Remus was lying on the floor near the window. The sharp scent of blood assaulted Sirius’ nose, making the animagus gasp. He had only been frozen for a few seconds before he hurried over to kneel next to Remus. He barely managed to stifle the gasp of horror when he saw his lover.
Remus’ left arm was lying partially away from his body, the underside facing up and revealing the long deep cut in the skin. Sirius’ eyes snapped down to Remus as his wand came up and began to cast healing spells frantically. Remus’ eyes were still open, the light in them all but gone, fixed on the ceiling above him. Sirius moved so that he was directly above Remus, right in his line of sight, calling his name frantically, praying that the man would respond.
He knew Remus had seen him when his lips curved up into a smile. His eyes remained fixed while his mouth moved. Sirius barely heard the whispered word.
“Sirius.” With that word, Remus’ eyes fluttered shut and he was still. Sirius cast a patronus and sent it to Dumbledore before his hands moved to Remus neck, feeling for a pulse. It was there, but incredibly faint. Not a minute later, Dumbledore and Madame Pomfrey apparated directly into the bedroom. Madame Pomfrey let out a loud gasp at the sight of the bleeding wizard and immediately pushed Sirius aside so she could begin working on him.
Dumbledore took ahold of his arm and gently guided him over to the bed. The shock was beginning to set in fully. It was clear what had happened here. Remus had tried to kill himself. He had believed Sirius was dead and meant to join him. Sirius hoped that Madame Pomfrey could save him. If Remus did not survive, then Sirius would die for good.
After several long minutes, the matron stood up.
“I’ve managed to stop the bleeding. Whether or not he’ll live, I can’t say. He lost so much blood before I got here that a blood replenishing potion may not take effect. We’ll move him to Hogwarts for now.”
Sirius was frozen and couldn’t respond. Madame Pomfrey levitated Remus onto a stretcher and flooed with him to Hogwarts. As soon as they were gone, Dumbledore guided Sirius to the fireplace and together they flooed to the infirmary. Remus was already lying on the far bed. Sirius sat down next to him and placed his hand on top of Remus’ left hand. He was careful not to touch the bandage, fearing that he would hurt Remus if he did.
For three days Sirius remained by his side, hand wrapped loosely around Remus’ hand and talked to him. He told his love how Dumbledore had rescued him from the veil. He talked about all of his memories of their time together, starting with when he first realized that he had feelings for Remus and covering every memory from there, even the seemingly insignificant ones.
It was nearly two weeks later when things started to change. Sirius had remained by Remus’ side most of the time. Madame Pomfrey forced him to leave once each day for fifteen minutes, long enough to get a shower and clean up a bit. Dumbledore had gone back to his and Remus’ house and brought back clothes for Sirius. A house elf delivered a tray of food three times a day and took it away when he was done. Sirius never ate much. He couldn’t. Not with Remus lying so still on the bed in front of him.
It was almost evening of the day before the two week mark when Remus shifted slightly. It wasn’t much, but it was the first time he had moved since being brought to the hospital wing. Sirius shot to his feet, leaning over his lover to see if his eyes would open. They didn’t, but Remus moved again. His hand jerked to the left and fell off the bed. When Remus had remained still for ten minutes, Sirius sat back down and gently put Remus’ hand back on the bed.
Two days later, Remus finally awoke.
He opened his eyes and stared blankly around. Where was he? The last thing he remembered was seeing Sirius’ face as he was dying. Then the blackness had overtaken him. He heard a faint voice coming from his side.
“Remus?”
He slowly turned his head and saw Sirius sitting in a chair nearby. He looked exactly the same as he had when he fell through the veil. The only difference was that his face looked more tired now and there were more lines.
“Sirius.” His voice was weak. He coughed, trying to clear it.
Sirius could hardly believe that after two weeks, Remus was awake. He had begun to think that Remus would never wake up. That Madame Pomfrey’s initial fears were true. Hearing Remus’ voice erased several of the worries that Sirius had felt over the last few weeks.
“How are you feeling?” He asked.
Remus frowned slightly as he considered the question. Other than extremely tired, he felt fine. His arm hurt a bit where he had cut it but there was nothing else.
“I’m fine.” Remus rasped. “Just very tired.”
“And your arm?”
“It hurts a bit but nothing bad.”
Sirius was relieved. Remus felt fine. Madame Pomfrey had warned that he would likely feel tired, saying that was normal. His face broke into a smile.
“That’s good then. Madame Pomfrey said you would probably feel tired.”
Remus frowned. Madame Pomfrey. What was she doing in heaven?
“Madame Pomfrey? What’s she doing in heaven?”
Now it was Sirius’ turn to frown. “Remus, you’re not dead. You’re alive and in the hospital wing.”
“But, you died.” Remus whispered. “If you’re here, then I must be dead. There’s no other explanation.”
Sirius shook his head. “I’m alive Remus. And so are you.”
To prove it, he gently took Remus’ hand, mindful of the bandage on his arm, and placed it on his chest directly over his heart.
Remus could feel the steady pounding of a heartbeat below his hand. It was a familiar rhythm. One he had fallen asleep to many nights. It helped to keep the nightmares away.
Satisfied that Remus believed he was alive, Sirius took the hand and placed it on Remus’ chest. He pressed the hand down a little more firmly so Remus would be able to feel his own heartbeat, even though it was slightly weakened.
Now Remus could feel his own heartbeat. It wasn’t as steady or as frequent as Sirius’ but it was still there. He couldn’t deny what he had felt. Both he and Sirius were alive.
“How?” He whispered.
“Dumbledore brought me back. The same night that you tried to kill yourself actually. It was a very close call. If I had hesitated any more before unlocking the front door, I might have been too late. Of course, if I hadn’t waited, I might have been able to stop you.”
Remus couldn’t stand the sad look on Sirius’ face. He shakily reached out a placed his hand on top of Sirius’. Sirius’ hand automatically flipped over and grasped Remus’ lightly. Slowly he allowed his eyes to flick up.
“It’s not your fault Sirius.”
“Yes, it is.” Sirius whispered. “If I had been paying more attention as I dueled Bellatrix, then I wouldn’t have been hit by that curse and fallen into the veil and ‘died’”
“It wasn’t your fault.” Remus repeated. “I’m the one who was weak and tried to end my life rather than being strong and continuing on.”
“You are not weak. You never have been. You are the strongest person I know. Even when we were in school, I was amazed by your strength.” Sirius said.
Their conversation was interrupted when Madame Pomfrey came bustling over to perform her routine exam of Remus that she did twice a day. The mediwitch was startled to see that her only patient was awake and talking with his visitor. Sirius had to duck a half-hearted slap the healer aimed at his head for not telling her Remus was awake.
Once she got over her shock, Madame Pomfrey got to work examining Remus. At one point she hurried off to her office and came back a few minutes later with three potions. One of them was reddish in color which she handed to Remus and instructed him to drink it immediately. Once he had done so, she nodded her head satisfied and pronounced Remus to be in good condition considering what he had gone through.
Alone once more, Remus and Sirius were left staring at each other in a somewhat awkward silence. Their interrupted conversation was still echoing in their minds.
“We’re going to need to work together in order to get past this.” Remus said softly after a few minutes. “It’s not going to be easy.”
“No. But someone I know once told me that nothing worth having is ever easy.” Sirius said, echoing Remus’ words from the night they first got together.
“No, it isn’t.” Remus agreed.
He held out his hand to Sirius who recognized the silent invitation. Being careful not to jostle the bed too much, Sirius climbed on the bed next to Remus who scooted over to make room. Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus and pulled him close enough that he could feel the gentle rise and fall of Remus chest as he breathed.
“Together, we’ll work through this.” Sirius said in Remus’ ear.
“Together.” Remus agreed.
AN- I wrote this story nearly two years ago in honor National Suicide Awareness day. Remember, not everyone is as lucky as Remus and gets help in time. Keep an eye on those you know and if you suspect something is wrong, don’t hesitate to talk to them about it or get them help.
I would also love to hear what you think about this. Comments always make me smile and brighten my day.
Warning: Suicide attempt
Rating: T for suicide attempt
Dedicated to my friend who tried to commit suicide when she was younger, before I knew her. I love you Casey and I’m glad you’re here with me.
Remus lifted the blade in his hand and watched as the moonlight reflected off of it. One quick motion and it would all be over. Then he could join his love. It was easy.
His hand moved so that the blade was positioned over his wrist. Remus took a deep breath and looked back out at the moon.
“Wait for me Sirius. I’m coming.”
Not looking down, Remus cut the blade into his yielding skin and pulled back several inches. The cut was deep. That was good. The deeper it was, the quicker he would lose blood and die. His hand opened and the stained blade fell to the carpet. The blood was flowing faster now and Remus could feel himself getting light headed. His free hand grasped the window sill as he continued to stare up at the moon.
How many times had he and Sirius sat on the window sill in their dorm, and later here in their home, gazing up at the moon. It was Sirius who helped him see that the moon was beautiful. When they first began dating, they never spent a night apart from each other. It had become their tradition to sit by the window and gaze at the moon. Several times Sirius took him outside and they laid in the grass, stargazing.
The memories were sweet. It helped negate some of the pain. Death was coming for him quickly, he could feel it. Remus’ knees buckled, no longer able to support him, and he collapsed on the carpet. Looking up, the werewolf found that he could no longer see the moon. It was fitting in a way. Sirius had not been able to see the moon when he died. Now Remus would die the same way, unable to see the moon.
Ironically, it had been the moon that had brought them together. The moon had forced Remus to turn into a wolf once a month, forced him to lie to his friends about his disappearances. Those disappearances had caused his dorm mates to become curious, leading to them finding out his darkest secret and accepting him regardless. It had been a full moon the night Sirius confessed that he loved him. A few minutes before his transformation actually. Having that thought in his mind as he transformed had made the transformation a little bit easier.
Death was so close. Remus’ vision had slowly been decreasing, blackness creeping in from the edges. He could no longer feel the pain from his wrist or hear the gentle chirping of the crickets. There was only a small piece of his vision left. A face filled it, looking so heart wrenchingly familiar that Remus wished death would finish claiming him so he could join Sirius. The mouth moved and though Remus could not hear what it was saying, he could guess. Sirius was calling to him. Remus could feel his lips curve up into a final smile as they whispered a name he could not hear.
“Sirius.”
His eyes fluttered close and the blackness over took him.
OoO
Sirius pounded on the door of the house he and Remus had shared. While he wanted nothing more to burst into their house, he didn’t want to scare Remus too badly. When no answer came after a few minutes, Sirius wondered if Remus was sleeping too deeply to hear the pounding on the door.
Remus. The last thing he remembered seeing was Remus holding Harry back as he fell into the veil. Then there was nothing. After what seemed like a few short minutes to him, he suddenly found himself stumbling forward into a world full of colors. The first thing his mind registered seeing was Dumbledore’s relieved face.
The kind old wizard had explained that Sirius had been behind the veil, technically dead, for two months. Sirius’ heart had twisted, imagining the pain that Remus was surely feeling. Not wasting any time, he had left the ministry and hurried here to their house. Now he was standing on the front step, waiting to see if Remus would answer. Still receiving no answer, Sirius pulled out his wand and unlocked the door.
It was immediately obvious to him that Remus wasn’t in the kitchen or living room. Both rooms were dark and empty when he glanced into them. Sirius hurried down the short hall to the bed room the two canines had shared. He opened the door quietly, fully expecting to find Remus somewhere in the room, perhaps curled up in bed, or see a light shining under the bathroom door, indicating that his love was in there.
What he saw instead was enough to make his heart stop for several seconds. Remus was lying on the floor near the window. The sharp scent of blood assaulted Sirius’ nose, making the animagus gasp. He had only been frozen for a few seconds before he hurried over to kneel next to Remus. He barely managed to stifle the gasp of horror when he saw his lover.
Remus’ left arm was lying partially away from his body, the underside facing up and revealing the long deep cut in the skin. Sirius’ eyes snapped down to Remus as his wand came up and began to cast healing spells frantically. Remus’ eyes were still open, the light in them all but gone, fixed on the ceiling above him. Sirius moved so that he was directly above Remus, right in his line of sight, calling his name frantically, praying that the man would respond.
He knew Remus had seen him when his lips curved up into a smile. His eyes remained fixed while his mouth moved. Sirius barely heard the whispered word.
“Sirius.” With that word, Remus’ eyes fluttered shut and he was still. Sirius cast a patronus and sent it to Dumbledore before his hands moved to Remus neck, feeling for a pulse. It was there, but incredibly faint. Not a minute later, Dumbledore and Madame Pomfrey apparated directly into the bedroom. Madame Pomfrey let out a loud gasp at the sight of the bleeding wizard and immediately pushed Sirius aside so she could begin working on him.
Dumbledore took ahold of his arm and gently guided him over to the bed. The shock was beginning to set in fully. It was clear what had happened here. Remus had tried to kill himself. He had believed Sirius was dead and meant to join him. Sirius hoped that Madame Pomfrey could save him. If Remus did not survive, then Sirius would die for good.
After several long minutes, the matron stood up.
“I’ve managed to stop the bleeding. Whether or not he’ll live, I can’t say. He lost so much blood before I got here that a blood replenishing potion may not take effect. We’ll move him to Hogwarts for now.”
Sirius was frozen and couldn’t respond. Madame Pomfrey levitated Remus onto a stretcher and flooed with him to Hogwarts. As soon as they were gone, Dumbledore guided Sirius to the fireplace and together they flooed to the infirmary. Remus was already lying on the far bed. Sirius sat down next to him and placed his hand on top of Remus’ left hand. He was careful not to touch the bandage, fearing that he would hurt Remus if he did.
For three days Sirius remained by his side, hand wrapped loosely around Remus’ hand and talked to him. He told his love how Dumbledore had rescued him from the veil. He talked about all of his memories of their time together, starting with when he first realized that he had feelings for Remus and covering every memory from there, even the seemingly insignificant ones.
It was nearly two weeks later when things started to change. Sirius had remained by Remus’ side most of the time. Madame Pomfrey forced him to leave once each day for fifteen minutes, long enough to get a shower and clean up a bit. Dumbledore had gone back to his and Remus’ house and brought back clothes for Sirius. A house elf delivered a tray of food three times a day and took it away when he was done. Sirius never ate much. He couldn’t. Not with Remus lying so still on the bed in front of him.
It was almost evening of the day before the two week mark when Remus shifted slightly. It wasn’t much, but it was the first time he had moved since being brought to the hospital wing. Sirius shot to his feet, leaning over his lover to see if his eyes would open. They didn’t, but Remus moved again. His hand jerked to the left and fell off the bed. When Remus had remained still for ten minutes, Sirius sat back down and gently put Remus’ hand back on the bed.
Two days later, Remus finally awoke.
He opened his eyes and stared blankly around. Where was he? The last thing he remembered was seeing Sirius’ face as he was dying. Then the blackness had overtaken him. He heard a faint voice coming from his side.
“Remus?”
He slowly turned his head and saw Sirius sitting in a chair nearby. He looked exactly the same as he had when he fell through the veil. The only difference was that his face looked more tired now and there were more lines.
“Sirius.” His voice was weak. He coughed, trying to clear it.
Sirius could hardly believe that after two weeks, Remus was awake. He had begun to think that Remus would never wake up. That Madame Pomfrey’s initial fears were true. Hearing Remus’ voice erased several of the worries that Sirius had felt over the last few weeks.
“How are you feeling?” He asked.
Remus frowned slightly as he considered the question. Other than extremely tired, he felt fine. His arm hurt a bit where he had cut it but there was nothing else.
“I’m fine.” Remus rasped. “Just very tired.”
“And your arm?”
“It hurts a bit but nothing bad.”
Sirius was relieved. Remus felt fine. Madame Pomfrey had warned that he would likely feel tired, saying that was normal. His face broke into a smile.
“That’s good then. Madame Pomfrey said you would probably feel tired.”
Remus frowned. Madame Pomfrey. What was she doing in heaven?
“Madame Pomfrey? What’s she doing in heaven?”
Now it was Sirius’ turn to frown. “Remus, you’re not dead. You’re alive and in the hospital wing.”
“But, you died.” Remus whispered. “If you’re here, then I must be dead. There’s no other explanation.”
Sirius shook his head. “I’m alive Remus. And so are you.”
To prove it, he gently took Remus’ hand, mindful of the bandage on his arm, and placed it on his chest directly over his heart.
Remus could feel the steady pounding of a heartbeat below his hand. It was a familiar rhythm. One he had fallen asleep to many nights. It helped to keep the nightmares away.
Satisfied that Remus believed he was alive, Sirius took the hand and placed it on Remus’ chest. He pressed the hand down a little more firmly so Remus would be able to feel his own heartbeat, even though it was slightly weakened.
Now Remus could feel his own heartbeat. It wasn’t as steady or as frequent as Sirius’ but it was still there. He couldn’t deny what he had felt. Both he and Sirius were alive.
“How?” He whispered.
“Dumbledore brought me back. The same night that you tried to kill yourself actually. It was a very close call. If I had hesitated any more before unlocking the front door, I might have been too late. Of course, if I hadn’t waited, I might have been able to stop you.”
Remus couldn’t stand the sad look on Sirius’ face. He shakily reached out a placed his hand on top of Sirius’. Sirius’ hand automatically flipped over and grasped Remus’ lightly. Slowly he allowed his eyes to flick up.
“It’s not your fault Sirius.”
“Yes, it is.” Sirius whispered. “If I had been paying more attention as I dueled Bellatrix, then I wouldn’t have been hit by that curse and fallen into the veil and ‘died’”
“It wasn’t your fault.” Remus repeated. “I’m the one who was weak and tried to end my life rather than being strong and continuing on.”
“You are not weak. You never have been. You are the strongest person I know. Even when we were in school, I was amazed by your strength.” Sirius said.
Their conversation was interrupted when Madame Pomfrey came bustling over to perform her routine exam of Remus that she did twice a day. The mediwitch was startled to see that her only patient was awake and talking with his visitor. Sirius had to duck a half-hearted slap the healer aimed at his head for not telling her Remus was awake.
Once she got over her shock, Madame Pomfrey got to work examining Remus. At one point she hurried off to her office and came back a few minutes later with three potions. One of them was reddish in color which she handed to Remus and instructed him to drink it immediately. Once he had done so, she nodded her head satisfied and pronounced Remus to be in good condition considering what he had gone through.
Alone once more, Remus and Sirius were left staring at each other in a somewhat awkward silence. Their interrupted conversation was still echoing in their minds.
“We’re going to need to work together in order to get past this.” Remus said softly after a few minutes. “It’s not going to be easy.”
“No. But someone I know once told me that nothing worth having is ever easy.” Sirius said, echoing Remus’ words from the night they first got together.
“No, it isn’t.” Remus agreed.
He held out his hand to Sirius who recognized the silent invitation. Being careful not to jostle the bed too much, Sirius climbed on the bed next to Remus who scooted over to make room. Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus and pulled him close enough that he could feel the gentle rise and fall of Remus chest as he breathed.
“Together, we’ll work through this.” Sirius said in Remus’ ear.
“Together.” Remus agreed.
AN- I wrote this story nearly two years ago in honor National Suicide Awareness day. Remember, not everyone is as lucky as Remus and gets help in time. Keep an eye on those you know and if you suspect something is wrong, don’t hesitate to talk to them about it or get them help.
I would also love to hear what you think about this. Comments always make me smile and brighten my day.