A tad overworked?
Okay so first yayness so I can start my rant propperly! I got my stuff from bodyline today. It's at my home back in Ennis so I won't be able to go home and try it on till tomorrow but I'm happy, hopefully I should be able to wear it to the Anime Soc dinner on Monday. =)
Okay now I shall start my ranting so if people don't want to read general bitching they can scroll down to the bottom! <3
Work is being more and more bothersome. I just have no passion for it and although I don't have any passion for my weekend job atleast I have coworkers there who make it slightly entertaining. Here I'm just stuck on my own all day, every day with nothing but a laptop infront of me. It's really starting to get to me. I'm getting very lonely from it. On top of that because I get up at 6.30am every morning and don't go to bed until at the earliest 1.30am I'm tired all the time, which means I have no energy to do anything and it's just leaving me grumpy and exhausted all the time. I come home and I don't want to draw or play games or read or do any of the things I want to do. I just end up sitting there like a zombie. I feel like all I do is work now. During the week days I'm stuck at work and the on the weekends I'm working in the Grove, then giving maths grinds when I'm not working in the Grove. I just feel so burnt out. I just can't do anything anymore.
My inspiration for art has completely gone. I can't draw from my head anymore and it's driving me insane. It's the only thing that I pride myself in, that I'm atleast somewhat better then others at and now I can't even do that. I mean I've tried and it's just...nothing. Everything looks so stiff and lifeless and like I'm forcing it, which I am. *sigh* I dunno what to do. Sacha suggested that I start going for walks during my lunch break to a little wood/forest place about 10 minutes walk away and just try to sketch their. I tried it today and it seemed to help a little, but not to much.
I'm having a semi crisis. I've never wanted to quit something more in my live, seriously. I mean I never really had a passion for my course but at this point if I could afford to start again I would but I just can't. And the last thing I can do is to drop out and not do anything. I know you can get by without ever getting a college degree but I don't think my family could deal with something like that. After all I'm the child with no problems. I've wanted to quit this course since 2nd year, if not half way through first year, but now I just can't. I only have a year left of it but the next 3 and a half months are going to be pure monotonous torture. And what I've become very afraid of now is what will happen when i finish this course. I could not bother doing that masters (doing the only thing I've enjoyed about my course at all) but then I could be stuck at a job programming for the rest of my life and I don't think I can do that. *sigh* and then I have the problem of I don't know what I would do if I did quit. Thats why I never did in the past because if I quit I would have no alternative. Of course there was always art but after being rejected from LCAD the first time I just couldn't try again. Despite being 20 I still have the overwhelming urge to make my parents very proud of me, which is probably why I've stuck this course out as far as I have. Also I'm completely spineless and thus never had the guts to just quit when I had the chance. I hate it though. I hate this.
If it wasn't for Sacha and my friends I would have never been able to stick UL at all I think. If it wasn't for societies I would have quit very quickly...or I tell myself that. In truth I would probably still be in my course, just very unhappy. And the truth is as long as I have my friends and my societies I am happy in UL, even if I dislike my course, they make it worth being here. It's now that I'm on my own that it's becoming so difficult. I'm a strong person when I have others to help prop me up, not so much when I'm left standing alone. When I come home, when I'm with Sacha, I feel better but the minute I have to leave I just get this overwhelming feeling of unhappiness and loneliness. I can deal with it, if there's one thing I'm good at doing is sucking it up and just dealing with things. I hardly ever complain about things like this. Sacha had to coax it out of me. I can deal with it, but every day it is more and more tempting to just say "fuck it" and leave, leave work, leave college and just do what I want to do. What that is, I just don't know.
I don't do routine well. I get up at the same time every day. I get the bus with the same people every morning. I work on the same thing every afternoon. I sit and have a similar lunch. I take the bus home with the same people. I come home, watch tv for a while, eat and then sleep. That's it. Put that on repeat and you have my current life. I can feel everything that makes me me shriveling up in this monotony. I don't feel like me anymore. I don't feel enthusiastic or passionate or creative about anything. All I feel every day is apathy. I can't stand apathy.
I suppose at the moment I just don't feel like me.
Okay atleast I got that out of my system. I have a day off tomorrow which I shall be spending listening to other peoples problems (surprise surprise?) and then doing maths grinds. Hopefully I'll be able to do something fun as well. Sunday I'm working but I'm optimistic that I might actually be able to do something fun on Monday. I thought that about the last monday I was off and I ended up doing nothing so I'm trying not to get my hopes up. Maybe when exams are over for the guys things might be a little better. Atleast I have the Anime Soc dinner monday night. I'm hopefully going to get to go lolita for my first time ever to this dinner.
Okay so first yayness so I can start my rant propperly! I got my stuff from bodyline today. It's at my home back in Ennis so I won't be able to go home and try it on till tomorrow but I'm happy, hopefully I should be able to wear it to the Anime Soc dinner on Monday. =)
Okay now I shall start my ranting so if people don't want to read general bitching they can scroll down to the bottom! <3
Work is being more and more bothersome. I just have no passion for it and although I don't have any passion for my weekend job atleast I have coworkers there who make it slightly entertaining. Here I'm just stuck on my own all day, every day with nothing but a laptop infront of me. It's really starting to get to me. I'm getting very lonely from it. On top of that because I get up at 6.30am every morning and don't go to bed until at the earliest 1.30am I'm tired all the time, which means I have no energy to do anything and it's just leaving me grumpy and exhausted all the time. I come home and I don't want to draw or play games or read or do any of the things I want to do. I just end up sitting there like a zombie. I feel like all I do is work now. During the week days I'm stuck at work and the on the weekends I'm working in the Grove, then giving maths grinds when I'm not working in the Grove. I just feel so burnt out. I just can't do anything anymore.
My inspiration for art has completely gone. I can't draw from my head anymore and it's driving me insane. It's the only thing that I pride myself in, that I'm atleast somewhat better then others at and now I can't even do that. I mean I've tried and it's just...nothing. Everything looks so stiff and lifeless and like I'm forcing it, which I am. *sigh* I dunno what to do. Sacha suggested that I start going for walks during my lunch break to a little wood/forest place about 10 minutes walk away and just try to sketch their. I tried it today and it seemed to help a little, but not to much.
I'm having a semi crisis. I've never wanted to quit something more in my live, seriously. I mean I never really had a passion for my course but at this point if I could afford to start again I would but I just can't. And the last thing I can do is to drop out and not do anything. I know you can get by without ever getting a college degree but I don't think my family could deal with something like that. After all I'm the child with no problems. I've wanted to quit this course since 2nd year, if not half way through first year, but now I just can't. I only have a year left of it but the next 3 and a half months are going to be pure monotonous torture. And what I've become very afraid of now is what will happen when i finish this course. I could not bother doing that masters (doing the only thing I've enjoyed about my course at all) but then I could be stuck at a job programming for the rest of my life and I don't think I can do that. *sigh* and then I have the problem of I don't know what I would do if I did quit. Thats why I never did in the past because if I quit I would have no alternative. Of course there was always art but after being rejected from LCAD the first time I just couldn't try again. Despite being 20 I still have the overwhelming urge to make my parents very proud of me, which is probably why I've stuck this course out as far as I have. Also I'm completely spineless and thus never had the guts to just quit when I had the chance. I hate it though. I hate this.
If it wasn't for Sacha and my friends I would have never been able to stick UL at all I think. If it wasn't for societies I would have quit very quickly...or I tell myself that. In truth I would probably still be in my course, just very unhappy. And the truth is as long as I have my friends and my societies I am happy in UL, even if I dislike my course, they make it worth being here. It's now that I'm on my own that it's becoming so difficult. I'm a strong person when I have others to help prop me up, not so much when I'm left standing alone. When I come home, when I'm with Sacha, I feel better but the minute I have to leave I just get this overwhelming feeling of unhappiness and loneliness. I can deal with it, if there's one thing I'm good at doing is sucking it up and just dealing with things. I hardly ever complain about things like this. Sacha had to coax it out of me. I can deal with it, but every day it is more and more tempting to just say "fuck it" and leave, leave work, leave college and just do what I want to do. What that is, I just don't know.
I don't do routine well. I get up at the same time every day. I get the bus with the same people every morning. I work on the same thing every afternoon. I sit and have a similar lunch. I take the bus home with the same people. I come home, watch tv for a while, eat and then sleep. That's it. Put that on repeat and you have my current life. I can feel everything that makes me me shriveling up in this monotony. I don't feel like me anymore. I don't feel enthusiastic or passionate or creative about anything. All I feel every day is apathy. I can't stand apathy.
I suppose at the moment I just don't feel like me.
Okay atleast I got that out of my system. I have a day off tomorrow which I shall be spending listening to other peoples problems (surprise surprise?) and then doing maths grinds. Hopefully I'll be able to do something fun as well. Sunday I'm working but I'm optimistic that I might actually be able to do something fun on Monday. I thought that about the last monday I was off and I ended up doing nothing so I'm trying not to get my hopes up. Maybe when exams are over for the guys things might be a little better. Atleast I have the Anime Soc dinner monday night. I'm hopefully going to get to go lolita for my first time ever to this dinner.