:(
I am not dealing very well at the minute.
I remembered something last night at the funeral home. 12 years ago before I went off to college Eric came by my house and left a tape for me while I was gone. And I kept trying to remember what tape it was last night and could not for the life of me remember.
Today I remembered it was Eric Clapton's Tears in Heaven. Irony is a bite in the ass.
He was my middle school and high school love. I loved him as a teenager and then left him to become an adult. He was so upset when I was giong off to college. Five whole hours away- he couldnt understand why I had to go so far away. He and I had such a rocky 'love' relationship- he would date other people then get mad if I did- then he would end up fighting with some guy for talking to me- then go out with some skank girl to get back at me. Teenager drama. But we were always friends.
Now I just miss my friend. And I miss more that I let so long go without talking to him. Only being there during the big events the last few years. Neither one of us invited the other to our wedding- but I was there for him when his wife was killed. I remember him crying on the phone and thanking me for letting him talk about her and asking about their life together bc everyone else told him to not talk about her and put him out of his mind. I remember hating he was so far away and not being able to be there.
I have to go lay down.
I am just adding to this post because I dont want to make another about it.
It is now Saturday morning the funeral is in 70 minutes. I dont think I can go. My cousin was going to go with me and she changed her mind but I dont think I can go without her. I want to go bc it is the last chance I have - you dont get to go to a second funeral- but I dont want to go bc I dont think I can handle it. That is such a pansy way out.
I am afraid I wont stop crying. Ever. That is so ridiculous is a way. I know Eric is with his wife and child and God and to me that body they cant show is not him. Closed Casket.
I feel like it isnt real. I coudnt see him so it isnt real.
I just feel horrible for not going. I feel crowded if that makes sense. Too many thoughts in my head.