The Fake News Part III
In celebration of my One Year Anniversary of Fake-News-Nonupdateage, it's a new edition of the Fake News!
Part I if you missed it.
Part II if you missed it.
Student could do better if he applied himself
Grand Rapids, MI -- According to comments typed on his first semester report card, Grand Rapids grade nine student Travis Biggs, "could do better, if he applied himself".
The mother of the Rosewood Junior High student, Allison Carson-Biggs, said she was "pleasantly surprised" by the news. "I guess I always thought Travis was just, well you know, not the brightest bulb in the socket. If I'd known it was just a matter of him applying himself, I would have encouraged him to do so a long time ago."
For his part, Carson says these comments have given him a new vigor towards schoolwork that he hasn't felt since grade two or three. "I'm just so excited to start the next term now. It's so great to know exactly what I need to do to be a more successful student; I just need to apply myself."
However Carson's teachers were more pragmatic in their attitudes. His English teacher, Eileen Diny, admitted that she didn't actually think Carson could do much better, and that the comments were “just something they put on the cards.” In fact, Carson has "pretty much reached his sorry potential” according to his Jess Favreau, his math teacher. “They won’t let me put that on there,” he added.
Marxist-Leninist meeting gets bogged down in socialist rhetoric
Don Mills, ON - A highly anticipated meeting between local leftist pinkos left some of the attendees less than satisfied. The monthly get-togethers of the Don Mills Marxist-Leninist club are breathlessly billed in fliers stapled to area telephone polls as “an opportunity to change the world” and “the one place where the corporate media can’t get you.”
According to Darryl Jenkins, one of the meeting’s five participants, the get-together did not quite live up to its billing. “It seemed like we weren't really accomplishing anything,” Jenkins explained, “like it was just the same old out-dated socialist dogma. The proletariat gaining control of the means of production, blah blah blah.”
Meeting organizer and self-proclaimed Don Mills Marxist-Leninist club president, Darren Atwater, had a very different take. “It was great; some super thoughts about collectivism were tossed around. Now we just need to get these ideas out of our circle and circulating in the general populace."
Part I if you missed it.
Part II if you missed it.
Student could do better if he applied himself
Grand Rapids, MI -- According to comments typed on his first semester report card, Grand Rapids grade nine student Travis Biggs, "could do better, if he applied himself".
The mother of the Rosewood Junior High student, Allison Carson-Biggs, said she was "pleasantly surprised" by the news. "I guess I always thought Travis was just, well you know, not the brightest bulb in the socket. If I'd known it was just a matter of him applying himself, I would have encouraged him to do so a long time ago."
For his part, Carson says these comments have given him a new vigor towards schoolwork that he hasn't felt since grade two or three. "I'm just so excited to start the next term now. It's so great to know exactly what I need to do to be a more successful student; I just need to apply myself."
However Carson's teachers were more pragmatic in their attitudes. His English teacher, Eileen Diny, admitted that she didn't actually think Carson could do much better, and that the comments were “just something they put on the cards.” In fact, Carson has "pretty much reached his sorry potential” according to his Jess Favreau, his math teacher. “They won’t let me put that on there,” he added.
Marxist-Leninist meeting gets bogged down in socialist rhetoric
Don Mills, ON - A highly anticipated meeting between local leftist pinkos left some of the attendees less than satisfied. The monthly get-togethers of the Don Mills Marxist-Leninist club are breathlessly billed in fliers stapled to area telephone polls as “an opportunity to change the world” and “the one place where the corporate media can’t get you.”
According to Darryl Jenkins, one of the meeting’s five participants, the get-together did not quite live up to its billing. “It seemed like we weren't really accomplishing anything,” Jenkins explained, “like it was just the same old out-dated socialist dogma. The proletariat gaining control of the means of production, blah blah blah.”
Meeting organizer and self-proclaimed Don Mills Marxist-Leninist club president, Darren Atwater, had a very different take. “It was great; some super thoughts about collectivism were tossed around. Now we just need to get these ideas out of our circle and circulating in the general populace."