DTBL episode 61: The Gropes of Wrath - The Aftermath
THE GROPES OF WRATH - THE AFTERMATH
The show opens on a long shot of the house. It is once again early evening. As with the previous episode, the usual assortment of Christmas lights and other decorations adorns the residence. On one side of the lawn is a Nativity display, while on the other side is a display of garden gnomes in Santa hats, set up so that they appear to be engaging in drunken revelry. One garden gnome faces a snowman. It is hooked up to a sprinkler so that it appears to be urinating on the snowman. The scene changes to the interior. The group is gathered around the Christmas tree. Wooldoor and Spanky are putting tinsel on the tree while Toot fools around with ornaments. Ling-Ling sits under the tree amongst the presents. Hero and Foxxy are cuddling in their chair while Clara sits in another chair off to the side sipping egg nog. Xandir sits at the foot of the tree grabbing presents and shaking them. All of the guys are still wearing their Christmas sweaters.
Xandir: (shaking a present, which makes a rattling sound) No, that doesn't sound like a pink sock. (He puts it down and picks up another one and shakes it. It also makes a rattling sound.) No, that doesn't sound like a pink sock either. (He puts it down and picks up another one. It makes a loud thump.) Well, that one's either a pink sock or the dump Spanky just took. (At this, Spanky wheels around to face Xandir.)
Spanky: Which one is that? Green box, yellow ribbon? (Xandir holds out the gift. It is a red box with an orange ribbon.) Nope, that's not the one, then.
Wooldoor: (becoming disturbed) Wait a minute. (Wooldoor puts down the tinsel he is holding and darts under the tree. He pulls out a green box with a yellow ribbon on it. He looks at the card on the box and becomes very irritated.) Dammit, Spanky, this present's for ME!
Spanky: Well... you said you wanted one from me!
Wooldoor: Spanky, I asked you for a stool sample in my capacity as a doctor. You're not supposed to give me one for Christmas!
Spanky: Well, you should have been more specific! (Wooldoor sighs in frustration. Toot becomes slightly embarrassed.)
Toot: Um, so... I guess that means that the blood sample you asked for from ME-
Wooldoor: No, that one I actually did want for Christmas.
Toot: Oh, okay! (Toot returns to hanging ornaments. Wooldoor and Spanky resume hanging tinsel.)
Wooldoor: Wow, isn't this neat, you guys? We just got done resolving that whole mess with Spanky's mom groping everybody and Hero trying to win that chair in that auction and Toot and Clara fighting over having babies, and now it's the day after all that and we can just relax and enjoy the holiday together?
Spanky (in confessional): (angry) Dammit, Santa, I asked you for an exposition-free Christmas!
Toot: Yeah. And by the way, guys, Marty is upstairs right now making that part of the house look all Christmassy too, so that's why he isn't down here with us right now. (Spanky shakes his head and sighs.)
Clara: Okay, so guys? I don't understand something.
Spanky: You see, Christmas trees and tinsel and presents may not have been mentioned in the Bible specifically, but they're all part of Jesus's plan for Christmas. The presents are symbolic of Jesus's gifts from the wise men, while the tree is how we commemorate the wood that Joseph would have had that night had Joseph knocked up Mary the conventional way instead of that weird virgin birth thing. And the tinsel represents God's ever-growing love for each and every one of us... somehow.
Clara: Not that, Spanky. What I meant was, I don't understand why, since it's evening time on Christmas Day, why we haven't unwrapped any gifts and are only just now getting around to hanging tinsel and ornaments on the tree!
Foxxy: Oh, that. Actually, the tree was fully trimmed, if you remember. But then Captain Hero and I decided to make love under the Christmas tree last night and we kinda knocked all the tinsel and the ornaments off of it. So now y'all are having to do it all again.
Suddenly, Ling-Ling, extremely alarmed, bolts out from underneath the tree. He points angrily at Foxxy and Hero.
Ling-Ling: You mean... where Ling-Ling sitting just now, you- oh, you people disgusting! Ling-Ling go shower right now! (Ling-Ling dashes upstairs as fast as his little legs can take him.)
Wooldoor: Wait. Does that mean you guys copulated all over all the presents too?
Foxxy: Oh, don't worry, Wooldoor. We moved them first.
Wooldoor: Oh, good.
Hero: We kept them in Spanky's room! (Everyone is disgusted.)
Toot: What? Seriously?
Clara: We have a closet, you know!
Hero: Sorry!
Xandir: It doesn't matter anyway, you guys. The closet would have been inaccessible anyway. I was boinking Santa in there last night. (Wooldoor becomes alarmed.)
Wooldoor: WHAT??? How dare you!
Clara: Wait. Xandir, do you mean Santa Claus... or some random Mexican guy you picked up at the club last night?
Xandir: The second one.
Clara: Oh, okay, then.
Hero: Didn't we do that same joke last Christmas when Xandir was talking about boinking Jesus?
Clara: Yes. And I punched him for that.
Foxxy: Even though it was not Jesus Christ, but once again, just some random Mexican dude?
Clara: Yes. Because when referring to a man of Hispanic origin rather than Christ our Lord and Savior, the name is supposed to be pronounced "Hay-zeus" - not Jesus.
Wooldoor: So you were punching Xandir for offending you over linguistics rather than religious blasphemy.
Clara: Yes, exactly.
Toot finishes hanging an ornament of a snowman surfing the internet and looking at porn. She then reaches down in the ornament box and makes an irritated face. Disappointed, she tosses the box away. It smacks Ling-Ling, returning to the living room, smack in the head. He falls over on his little butt.
Ling-Ling: Ow! Dammit!
Toot: Goddammit! We're out of ornaments! And I still have half the tree to go!
Clara: Well, you could always just move some around and-
Toot: Oh! I know what I can do! I know where I can find some more stuff to hang on the tree! (Toot dashes out of the room and quickly returns holding a large cardboard box. She starts to open it.
Hero: Wait a minute. That box looks... familiar...
Toot pulls out an object which cannot be seen distinctly. She begins to hang it on the tree.
Foxxy: Toot, where did y'all find that box? It wasn't under my bed, was it?
Toot: Yep! (We see that the object she is putting on the tree is the infamous mitten. She then reaches in the box and pulls out a pair of handcuffs.)
Clara: Oh, dear God! (She grabs the front of her sweater and quickly pulls it up over her face. Spanky walks over to her and tries to sneak a peek by sticking his head under the bottom of her sweater. Clara smacks him away. Spanky turns toward Toot.)
Spanky: Hey, my baby Jesus butt plug isn't in that box, is it?
Toot: (looking through the box) Nope!
Spanky: Okay, then I must have left it in Wooldoor's room. (An idea occurs to him.) I know! I'll go get it and we can hang that on the tree as well!
Hero: Good idea, Spanky! And while you're up there, why don't you grab my red and green Christmas themed nipple clamps to hang on the tree as well? (Spanky nods and dashes upstairs.)
Clara: I can't believe you guys. This is a horrible thing to do a Christmas tree! A Christmas tree is supposed to be a symbolic celebration of the spirit of Christmas, not a place to hang all your dirty sex toys!
Toot: As opposed to our clean sex toys?
Clara: Christmas is supposed to be about love, you guys!
Foxxy: It is! And these things are how we choose to express our love!
Clara: It's supposed to be about family.
Wooldoor: That's true. And we just happen to have a very, very dirty, dirty family.
Clara: Well... that's true. Okay, then. Carry on, you guys.
Wooldoor: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! This is the best Christmas ever! Well... second best.
Clara: (touched) Thank you, Wooldoor! I'm so glad you remembered that special night in Bethlehem when-
Wooldoor: The BEST Christmas ever was the one where I got a pet hamster!
Clara: Never mind. (Spanky returns bearing another box. It is labelled "More Dirty Stuff".)
Wooldoor: Now that I think about it... whatever happened to that hamster, anyway?
Everyone in the room immediately turns to look at Xandir.
Xandir: (defensively) What? Oh, come on, you guys! I left THAT one alone! (Everyone nods in acknowledgement.)
Spanky and Toot return to stringing kinky sex-related items onto the tree. Wooldoor runs out of tinsel, grabs a can of fake snow out of the compartment in his butt and begins spraying the tree with it.
Hero: Wooldoor, if you wanted the tree all covered with white stuff-
Clara: Oh, for God's sake, Hero!
Hero: Sorry!
Foxxy: Well, you know what, you guys? Maybe we didn't end up having another Christmas adventure, but you know what? I think this was just as good.
Spanky: Yeah, it was.
Hero: It really was.
Wooldoor: (stroking his lip) I bet people would take me more seriously if I grew a mustache. What do you guys think?
Xandir: It was an awesome Christmas! Even if I didn't get a-
Toot: Oh! Actually, Xandir, now that I think of it- I got you something. Something very, very special!
Xandir: Retarded special, or...
Toot: No, regular special.
Xandir: Oh, okay.
Toot: Xandir, I'm wearing something right now. I put them on just for you tonight!
Xandir: Clothes? That's good. I like it when girls wear clothes. Not a big fan of the female nudity.
Toot: And now... I'm going to give them to you! (She reaches down toward her crotch.)
Xandir: (becoming excited) Ooh! Are you going to give me your Christmas thong? Cause that would be so cool! I'd look so pretty in it!
Toot starts to reach underneath her skirt, but suddenly her hands move even lower. She quickly kicks off her shoes to reveal she is wearing pink socks. She then takes off said socks and hands them to Xandir. She laughs.
Toot: Well, you wanted a pink sock, Xandir. Well... there you go! Now you have two of them! (She laughs hysterically. The others all laugh as well.)
Xandir: Awww! This wasn't the kind of pink sock I wanted, Toot!
Toot: I'm sorry, Xandir. (She reaches out toward him.) Here, I'll take them back now.
Xandir: (pulling the socks away) Oh, no, you don't! You're not taking my pretty pink socks away from me! I'm going to put them on right now!
Toot: Well, okay, then!
Xandir kicks off his shoes and puts the first sock on his right foot. He starts to put the other sock on his left foot, but stops. Clearly, another thought has occurred to him. He smiles and giggles to himself. Foxxy's mouth opens wide. Clara buries her face in her hands.
Clara: Oh, seriously, people? Am I the only one of us whose first thought upon acquiring some new item ISN'T "What dirty thing can I do with this item?"
Spanky: Yes.
Toot: Pretty much.
Wooldoor: (still stroking his lip) Nahh. Cause then if I ever shaved it off, it would just grow back even thicker and next thing you know, I'd look like a porn star. (He suddenly becomes intrigued.) Hmmmm!
Clara rolls her eyes and returns to sipping her egg nog. Ling-Ling hops up in Clara's lap and pulls out his own tiny cup and begins drinking from it as well. Hero and Foxxy return to cuddling in their chair and sharing a kiss under the mistletoe. Toot and Spanky continue hanging sex toys and other inappropriate items on the Christmas tree. Wooldoor runs out of fake snow and pulls a fire extinguisher out of his butt, which he then proceeds to spray on the tree. Xandir whips off his loin cloth, puts the other pink sock over his weiner, comes out from under the tree, and begins dancing an Irish jig with one sock on. The scene starts to fade, but stops.
Foxxy: Hey, wait a minute, you guys! Aren't we going to unwrap presents?
Hero: Actually, I'd kind of prefer to continue with the making out, if that's okay.
Toot: Yeah, I guess we could unwrap the presents eventually.
Spanky: But not till we're done with the sex toys.
Toot: Yeah! Sex toys! Sex toys!
Foxxy: (looking over at Clara) Clara?
Clara: Yeah, we're good, Foxxy. Thanks.
Foxxy: Well, okay, then!
The camera pulls out to survey the scene as everyone resumes their activities. Hero and Foxxy kiss, Clara and Ling-Ling snuggle and sip egg nog, and Toot and Spanky pull Isis the sex doll out of Foxxy's box and stuff her between the branches of the Christmas tree. Wooldoor puts down the fire extinguisher and just starts pulling random objects out of his butt and throwing them on the tree. Xandir continues dancing like a silly elf. The scene fades.
THE END