Fic: Stages, Part 1 Prologue & Departure
Title: Stages
Author: RayneSupreme
Summary: Nine months post-BDM, Jayne is left struggling with his own feelings after River leaves Serenity.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Don’t sue. Just playing around.
In the end, it was Inara that caved.
Inara found herself walking the halls of Serenity at a time when she should have been content to have Mal’s arms circling her, his bare chest pressed against her back. This wasn’t the first time the secrets swirling around her head had kept her from sleeping soundly and it would surely not be the last.
While discretion was a core requirement of being a Companion, it was not often that the Companion was exposed to the aftermath of such secrets. She was confident at the time that River’s choice was hers to make, and Inara had even encouraged her in her choice, but now, now that months had gone by, the ex-Companion was plagued with the burden of not only keeping a well-buried secret but also the burden of witnessing being crew’s reactions to the same secret on a daily basis.
In the past Inara hadn’t had much reason to feel much else than exasperation, and the occasional disgust, for their resident merc but the past nine months had revealed some sides to Jayne that she was pleasantly surprised to see. She’d watched him grieve the loss of crew, struggle to come to grips from the horror that was Miranda, become overprotective to his crewmates, invest more in the planning of Mal’s crazy schemes in what she could only assume to be further proof of his dedication to their safety. And while the others seemed to remain in the dark about it, Inara had watched with an interest as Jayne slowed his incessant complaints about “the Moonbrain” and her highjinx and even began to exhibit behaviors that Inara could only describe as a school-boy crush on the girl.
Stepping across the threshold to the bridge, she wasn’t surprised to find Jayne’s large body dominating the co-pilot chair. In fact, every night she was up at this ungodly hour, so was Jayne, at least for the last two to three weeks. Some nights she would just tuck herself into the nearby pilot’s seat and talk about planets, or about Wash, or about Book. They never talked about crew. Most nights, they just sat there in silence, staring out into the black until one of them would quietly stand and return to their bunk.
By the drawn, expressionless look on Jayne’s face, Inara figured it to be one of the silent nights. As her mind began to naturally wander toward that of a certain girl and how she was likely faring, Inara was surprised to hear Jayne’s chair turn toward her. His eyes were as dead and dark as the black of space, and Inara was a bit shocked to notice how the worry lines around his eyes had deepened in these short months.
Perhaps it was her awareness of his crush on River that left her feeling more than her fair share of guilt in harboring the girl’s secret. Jayne’s emotions had seemed all over the map for months but, in all actuality, Inara recognized anticipated stages of grief. Yet, she had been honestly surprised that he hadn’t been able to move on yet. The rest of the crew had difficulty adjusting to be sure, but Jayne was stuck somehow.
“Inara?”
His whisper brought her back to moment, to the silence, to the stars and to the void stretching out in front of them. “Yes?”
“I never figured to ask ya’ straight out if ya’ knew where she was ‘cause I figured ya’d never a told me anyhow. But I’m out of options and I don’t know what else to do.”
Inara’s heart squeezed in her chest for him. Jayne, their big, tough, crude merc seemed so broken. His voice seemingly being pushed through unheard sobs deep in his chest. His depression was so severe and so obvious at this late hour. For the first time, it occurs to her that she may have misjudged the depth of Jayne’s feelings for River. In fact, had it been anyone else but Jayne, she would have sworn that the man sitting next to her was heartbroken.
“What are you asking me, Jayne?”
His blue eyes lifted and stared at her with such an intensity that she felt a bit of worry crawl up her spine. He sighed deeply and returned his eyes to the black. “Inara, ya’ ever think on why I’m up here every night, staring off into the black?”
“Well, I guess not. Not really. I have a few suspicions but, no, I can’t say I know why you are here, and I hadn’t realized it was every night.”
Jayned sighed again and shifted in his seat to look over at her. “I sit here, every night, in her seat, and look out to the black that she loved so gorram much. Bet ya’ didn’t know I used ta let her float around out there when her troubles got to cloggin’ her brain too much,” he smiled slightly. “I sit here every night, tryin’ to suss out why she left and where in the ‘verse she coulda gone,” he paused, straing at his hands in his lap. “But I ain’t a ruttin’ genius like she is and I ain’t been able to get the answers I’m a needin’. I’ve asked everyone onboard, both using niceness and threats. Even tried to bribe Simon but he looked just as lost as I felt and figured ya’ can’t fake that.” his voice trailed off. “Seems the girl really just up and disappeared.”
She felt his eyes return to her, not with veiled threats or underlying anger but with sheer desperation. “But I ain’t asked you yet. I ain’t asked ya’straight, And now I gotta ask. I gotta know. I gotta know where she is.”
Inara could barely breathe for the swell of Jayne’s despair crashing over in waves. “Jayne, it was River’s choice to leave. It’s her choice to stay away. It’s not my secret to keep.”
Jayne must have heard something in her voice, in her words, because he instantly dropped to his knees at her feet. “Please ‘Nara. I can’t not know.” She felt his huge hands gently rest on her knees. “I can’t not know and it’s killin’ me.”
She placed her palm gently against Jayne’s cheek, wiped away the single tear that dared escape his eyes. She angled her head to the ceiling, took a deep breath, and caved. How could she not.
_______________________________________________________________________
Departure
97 Days Earlier
“Crew meetin’ in the mess in ten. Got some news worth sharin’,” blasted Mal’s voice from the intercom.
Gorram it. Jayne hated when Mal interrupted his workouts. Now he’d done lost his count. Weren’t like Mal had anything worth listenin’ to most times anyway. They hadn’t had their usual post-job pow wow. Thinkin’ on it now, nothin’ in particular gone wrong, ‘cept for Moonbrain almost tearin’ up the place. But, in his ‘pinion, that was just downright amusin’, and not-just-a-little sexy. He’d gotten her to a workin’ calm within minutes so he figured no harm, no foul. ‘Cept Capt’n probably thought there be some harm to nearly tearing a guys arm outta its socket. But hell, if stupid fool didn’t have ‘nough smarts not ta touch the girl when she’s Readin’ then he deserved what he got. In truth, Jayne was ‘bout ta tear his other arm just fer touchin’ her in this first place but things got all chaos-y there ‘fer a bit and leavin’ seemed the smarter move.
Jayne threw the towel over his shoulder and made his way to the mess. If’n the Cap’n had somethin’ to say ‘bout the job, Jayne figured might as well hear it out now so not ta ruin dinner. Didn’t like when anythin’ ruined dinner. ‘N fact, Jayne been likin’ dinner even more than usual, with the crazy’s hand grazin’ his thigh once in while. Or her being so close he could watch his pulse throb in her silky neck. He ‘specially liked the nights when they got clean-up duty together. All alone, all sudsy and slippery. Girl could do things with wet hands that should be illegal.
“Everyone take a seat,” Mal ordered.
Jayne saw Mal shoot Inara a nervous look and she smiled weakly back. Sorta in an encouraging sort a way. Great. Bad news then, Jayne figured. Everyone else looked as clueless as he felt so he figured it was either ‘bout the ship or the pay. Probably the pay.
“Well, ya’ll might notice we’re missin’ ourselves our itty-bitty assassin,” Mal started.
“Oh, sorry Captain, I’ll go find her,” her brother offered as his chair scraped back from the table.
“Well, Simon, thata be a right nice trick seein’ she ain’t on the ship no longer.”
Jayne found this all sorts a funny and tried hard to hide his smirk. Crazy girl and her crazy pranks. Likely holed up under the engine coil. He knew no one knew ‘bout that hiding place but him. Girl gone so far to make him pinky swear that he’d never tell. Never pinky swore on nothin’ a’fore but he wasn’t opposed ta any such touchin’ on the girl, even it were just her bitty little finger.
“What do you mean she isn’t on the ship? We left her behind? What the hell, Captain?”
Simon was runnin’ his prissy mouth, full of big words and no-so-terrifying threats, while the others just looked to the Cap’n to continue. Jayne woulda returned to his weight bench by now but this prank was all sorts of chaos and he wondered for a minute iff’n maybe Moonbrain done this little joke ‘fer his benefit. The Girl knew he liked when everyone was in a uproar, ‘specially when it was none of his doin’. Maybe it was like Crazy’s version of a present.
“Sit down, Simon,” Mal shouted. “Let me git this out. Hard ‘nough without ya’ yapping at me like that. Everyone listen up ‘cause ain’t likely to say this but once.” He held up an envelope. “Found this in my bunk after we returned from the job. Figure it’s best I justa read it. Save me the translatin’.”
Jayne witnessed another one of those encouraging smile from Inara. The hair on the back of his neck tickled in the place that usually told him that nothin’ good was on its way. Now, lookin’ out over the crew, Jayne was thinking that maybe now the girl gone too far. There was a frightful lot a hand wringing and such and lil’ Kaylee was snifflin’ and wipin’ her eyes. Jayne looked over his shoulder all casual-like, hopin’ ta see the tips of the girl’s long brown hair blowing in the breeze out past the hatch. But they weren’t. His neck was now atingle and Jayne felt a moment of panic jump to his chest.
Mal took a deep breath and started in on the readin’. “Friends. The time has come for the girl to leave the proverbial nest and fly away to places unknown. You all know that the last six months have been a struggle. Releasing secrets that weren’t mine, that helped a lot. It freed me my mind up enough to begin to put the pieces of myself back together. In that short time, I feel I have picked up all the big pieces I could. Sister. Dancer. Friend. Reader. Daughter. Pilot. Weapon.. All of these pieces have been found and for that, and to each of you, the girl is grateful. I am nearly whole but not complete. At my feet, I see the shards that are too sharp to grab, too small to hold. The girl can no longer rely on Serenity to put the girl together. Nor can she expect anyone else to either. I want to thank each and everyone one of you (and two that are gone) for getting me to where I am today. I am an adult. I have confidence. I can protect myself. The road less traveled is often traveled alone. My heart can’t handle goodbyes right now so it’s best I just leave silently. Serenity has promised me she will watch over you, take care of you, love you and protect you. Don’t worry about Serenity’s girl. Mind takes flight. Body must follow. It’s simple physics really. As for my destination, I’ve chosen to keep that secret, for your safety. The Alliance still wants what was stolen. Serenity’s family will be safer not knowing. Time to go. The road is calling. Yours always, River”
Jayne didn’t wait for the fallout from the letter. He jumped up and ran down the hallway to her bunk. Even as he entered, he could see her bunk was still full of her things, everything in its place. Her sketch pad at the center of her bed. Her weapons still stored above her bed.
“Jayne,” Kaylee whispered and laid a gentle hand on his shoulder.
“Don’t worry, Kaylee. She ain’t gone. She’s just wantin’ ta play hide n’ seek or some girly nonsense. All her stuff’s here. Girl wouldn’t just leave everything behind, now would she?”
“Jayne, she ain’t playin’,” Kaylee whimpered. “I just found these in my bunk and Simon is off readin’ a letter he just found in his bunk.”
Jayne looked down into Kaylee’s hand to see some pretty yellow ribbon hair ties and a small note. He gently lifted the note and scanned the swirly handwritin’. These are for you. I hope you like them. Take whatever you want from my bunk. There’s nothing here I need.
“This is bullshit,” Jayne yelled. He flew up the hatch in a flash and stomped down to the cargo bay. He felt the cold of the rails in his deathgrip and clenched his eyes closed to settle himself. “This ain’t funny no more, Moonbrain. Ya’ come on out in two minutes or I’ll find ya’ and ya’ know better than anyone that I gonna find ya’. Best tracker in the ‘verse and all. And when I find ya’ I’m gonna kick yer ass from here until tomorrow… fer making Kaylee cry. I swear ta God girl, this ain’t funny.”
Author: RayneSupreme
Summary: Nine months post-BDM, Jayne is left struggling with his own feelings after River leaves Serenity.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Don’t sue. Just playing around.
In the end, it was Inara that caved.
Inara found herself walking the halls of Serenity at a time when she should have been content to have Mal’s arms circling her, his bare chest pressed against her back. This wasn’t the first time the secrets swirling around her head had kept her from sleeping soundly and it would surely not be the last.
While discretion was a core requirement of being a Companion, it was not often that the Companion was exposed to the aftermath of such secrets. She was confident at the time that River’s choice was hers to make, and Inara had even encouraged her in her choice, but now, now that months had gone by, the ex-Companion was plagued with the burden of not only keeping a well-buried secret but also the burden of witnessing being crew’s reactions to the same secret on a daily basis.
In the past Inara hadn’t had much reason to feel much else than exasperation, and the occasional disgust, for their resident merc but the past nine months had revealed some sides to Jayne that she was pleasantly surprised to see. She’d watched him grieve the loss of crew, struggle to come to grips from the horror that was Miranda, become overprotective to his crewmates, invest more in the planning of Mal’s crazy schemes in what she could only assume to be further proof of his dedication to their safety. And while the others seemed to remain in the dark about it, Inara had watched with an interest as Jayne slowed his incessant complaints about “the Moonbrain” and her highjinx and even began to exhibit behaviors that Inara could only describe as a school-boy crush on the girl.
Stepping across the threshold to the bridge, she wasn’t surprised to find Jayne’s large body dominating the co-pilot chair. In fact, every night she was up at this ungodly hour, so was Jayne, at least for the last two to three weeks. Some nights she would just tuck herself into the nearby pilot’s seat and talk about planets, or about Wash, or about Book. They never talked about crew. Most nights, they just sat there in silence, staring out into the black until one of them would quietly stand and return to their bunk.
By the drawn, expressionless look on Jayne’s face, Inara figured it to be one of the silent nights. As her mind began to naturally wander toward that of a certain girl and how she was likely faring, Inara was surprised to hear Jayne’s chair turn toward her. His eyes were as dead and dark as the black of space, and Inara was a bit shocked to notice how the worry lines around his eyes had deepened in these short months.
Perhaps it was her awareness of his crush on River that left her feeling more than her fair share of guilt in harboring the girl’s secret. Jayne’s emotions had seemed all over the map for months but, in all actuality, Inara recognized anticipated stages of grief. Yet, she had been honestly surprised that he hadn’t been able to move on yet. The rest of the crew had difficulty adjusting to be sure, but Jayne was stuck somehow.
“Inara?”
His whisper brought her back to moment, to the silence, to the stars and to the void stretching out in front of them. “Yes?”
“I never figured to ask ya’ straight out if ya’ knew where she was ‘cause I figured ya’d never a told me anyhow. But I’m out of options and I don’t know what else to do.”
Inara’s heart squeezed in her chest for him. Jayne, their big, tough, crude merc seemed so broken. His voice seemingly being pushed through unheard sobs deep in his chest. His depression was so severe and so obvious at this late hour. For the first time, it occurs to her that she may have misjudged the depth of Jayne’s feelings for River. In fact, had it been anyone else but Jayne, she would have sworn that the man sitting next to her was heartbroken.
“What are you asking me, Jayne?”
His blue eyes lifted and stared at her with such an intensity that she felt a bit of worry crawl up her spine. He sighed deeply and returned his eyes to the black. “Inara, ya’ ever think on why I’m up here every night, staring off into the black?”
“Well, I guess not. Not really. I have a few suspicions but, no, I can’t say I know why you are here, and I hadn’t realized it was every night.”
Jayned sighed again and shifted in his seat to look over at her. “I sit here, every night, in her seat, and look out to the black that she loved so gorram much. Bet ya’ didn’t know I used ta let her float around out there when her troubles got to cloggin’ her brain too much,” he smiled slightly. “I sit here every night, tryin’ to suss out why she left and where in the ‘verse she coulda gone,” he paused, straing at his hands in his lap. “But I ain’t a ruttin’ genius like she is and I ain’t been able to get the answers I’m a needin’. I’ve asked everyone onboard, both using niceness and threats. Even tried to bribe Simon but he looked just as lost as I felt and figured ya’ can’t fake that.” his voice trailed off. “Seems the girl really just up and disappeared.”
She felt his eyes return to her, not with veiled threats or underlying anger but with sheer desperation. “But I ain’t asked you yet. I ain’t asked ya’straight, And now I gotta ask. I gotta know. I gotta know where she is.”
Inara could barely breathe for the swell of Jayne’s despair crashing over in waves. “Jayne, it was River’s choice to leave. It’s her choice to stay away. It’s not my secret to keep.”
Jayne must have heard something in her voice, in her words, because he instantly dropped to his knees at her feet. “Please ‘Nara. I can’t not know.” She felt his huge hands gently rest on her knees. “I can’t not know and it’s killin’ me.”
She placed her palm gently against Jayne’s cheek, wiped away the single tear that dared escape his eyes. She angled her head to the ceiling, took a deep breath, and caved. How could she not.
_______________________________________________________________________
Departure
97 Days Earlier
“Crew meetin’ in the mess in ten. Got some news worth sharin’,” blasted Mal’s voice from the intercom.
Gorram it. Jayne hated when Mal interrupted his workouts. Now he’d done lost his count. Weren’t like Mal had anything worth listenin’ to most times anyway. They hadn’t had their usual post-job pow wow. Thinkin’ on it now, nothin’ in particular gone wrong, ‘cept for Moonbrain almost tearin’ up the place. But, in his ‘pinion, that was just downright amusin’, and not-just-a-little sexy. He’d gotten her to a workin’ calm within minutes so he figured no harm, no foul. ‘Cept Capt’n probably thought there be some harm to nearly tearing a guys arm outta its socket. But hell, if stupid fool didn’t have ‘nough smarts not ta touch the girl when she’s Readin’ then he deserved what he got. In truth, Jayne was ‘bout ta tear his other arm just fer touchin’ her in this first place but things got all chaos-y there ‘fer a bit and leavin’ seemed the smarter move.
Jayne threw the towel over his shoulder and made his way to the mess. If’n the Cap’n had somethin’ to say ‘bout the job, Jayne figured might as well hear it out now so not ta ruin dinner. Didn’t like when anythin’ ruined dinner. ‘N fact, Jayne been likin’ dinner even more than usual, with the crazy’s hand grazin’ his thigh once in while. Or her being so close he could watch his pulse throb in her silky neck. He ‘specially liked the nights when they got clean-up duty together. All alone, all sudsy and slippery. Girl could do things with wet hands that should be illegal.
“Everyone take a seat,” Mal ordered.
Jayne saw Mal shoot Inara a nervous look and she smiled weakly back. Sorta in an encouraging sort a way. Great. Bad news then, Jayne figured. Everyone else looked as clueless as he felt so he figured it was either ‘bout the ship or the pay. Probably the pay.
“Well, ya’ll might notice we’re missin’ ourselves our itty-bitty assassin,” Mal started.
“Oh, sorry Captain, I’ll go find her,” her brother offered as his chair scraped back from the table.
“Well, Simon, thata be a right nice trick seein’ she ain’t on the ship no longer.”
Jayne found this all sorts a funny and tried hard to hide his smirk. Crazy girl and her crazy pranks. Likely holed up under the engine coil. He knew no one knew ‘bout that hiding place but him. Girl gone so far to make him pinky swear that he’d never tell. Never pinky swore on nothin’ a’fore but he wasn’t opposed ta any such touchin’ on the girl, even it were just her bitty little finger.
“What do you mean she isn’t on the ship? We left her behind? What the hell, Captain?”
Simon was runnin’ his prissy mouth, full of big words and no-so-terrifying threats, while the others just looked to the Cap’n to continue. Jayne woulda returned to his weight bench by now but this prank was all sorts of chaos and he wondered for a minute iff’n maybe Moonbrain done this little joke ‘fer his benefit. The Girl knew he liked when everyone was in a uproar, ‘specially when it was none of his doin’. Maybe it was like Crazy’s version of a present.
“Sit down, Simon,” Mal shouted. “Let me git this out. Hard ‘nough without ya’ yapping at me like that. Everyone listen up ‘cause ain’t likely to say this but once.” He held up an envelope. “Found this in my bunk after we returned from the job. Figure it’s best I justa read it. Save me the translatin’.”
Jayne witnessed another one of those encouraging smile from Inara. The hair on the back of his neck tickled in the place that usually told him that nothin’ good was on its way. Now, lookin’ out over the crew, Jayne was thinking that maybe now the girl gone too far. There was a frightful lot a hand wringing and such and lil’ Kaylee was snifflin’ and wipin’ her eyes. Jayne looked over his shoulder all casual-like, hopin’ ta see the tips of the girl’s long brown hair blowing in the breeze out past the hatch. But they weren’t. His neck was now atingle and Jayne felt a moment of panic jump to his chest.
Mal took a deep breath and started in on the readin’. “Friends. The time has come for the girl to leave the proverbial nest and fly away to places unknown. You all know that the last six months have been a struggle. Releasing secrets that weren’t mine, that helped a lot. It freed me my mind up enough to begin to put the pieces of myself back together. In that short time, I feel I have picked up all the big pieces I could. Sister. Dancer. Friend. Reader. Daughter. Pilot. Weapon.. All of these pieces have been found and for that, and to each of you, the girl is grateful. I am nearly whole but not complete. At my feet, I see the shards that are too sharp to grab, too small to hold. The girl can no longer rely on Serenity to put the girl together. Nor can she expect anyone else to either. I want to thank each and everyone one of you (and two that are gone) for getting me to where I am today. I am an adult. I have confidence. I can protect myself. The road less traveled is often traveled alone. My heart can’t handle goodbyes right now so it’s best I just leave silently. Serenity has promised me she will watch over you, take care of you, love you and protect you. Don’t worry about Serenity’s girl. Mind takes flight. Body must follow. It’s simple physics really. As for my destination, I’ve chosen to keep that secret, for your safety. The Alliance still wants what was stolen. Serenity’s family will be safer not knowing. Time to go. The road is calling. Yours always, River”
Jayne didn’t wait for the fallout from the letter. He jumped up and ran down the hallway to her bunk. Even as he entered, he could see her bunk was still full of her things, everything in its place. Her sketch pad at the center of her bed. Her weapons still stored above her bed.
“Jayne,” Kaylee whispered and laid a gentle hand on his shoulder.
“Don’t worry, Kaylee. She ain’t gone. She’s just wantin’ ta play hide n’ seek or some girly nonsense. All her stuff’s here. Girl wouldn’t just leave everything behind, now would she?”
“Jayne, she ain’t playin’,” Kaylee whimpered. “I just found these in my bunk and Simon is off readin’ a letter he just found in his bunk.”
Jayne looked down into Kaylee’s hand to see some pretty yellow ribbon hair ties and a small note. He gently lifted the note and scanned the swirly handwritin’. These are for you. I hope you like them. Take whatever you want from my bunk. There’s nothing here I need.
“This is bullshit,” Jayne yelled. He flew up the hatch in a flash and stomped down to the cargo bay. He felt the cold of the rails in his deathgrip and clenched his eyes closed to settle himself. “This ain’t funny no more, Moonbrain. Ya’ come on out in two minutes or I’ll find ya’ and ya’ know better than anyone that I gonna find ya’. Best tracker in the ‘verse and all. And when I find ya’ I’m gonna kick yer ass from here until tomorrow… fer making Kaylee cry. I swear ta God girl, this ain’t funny.”