Haven Fic: Time (Has Numbered My Days) - Chapter 11/?? [Audrey/Nathan]
Author: siricerasi
Fandom: Haven
Characters/pairings: Nathan/Audrey, Claire Callahan, Duke Crocker, Jordan McKee (Nathan/Jordan?)
Rating: M
Spoilers: Through 3.06 (Real Estate)
Story Summary: It’s all so fucked up, so far from where they’d started, so far from where they should be. And she’d take all of it back, she’d forgive everything, if he could just be here right now.
Chapter: 11/?
Word count: 1680
Warnings: None
Chapter Summary: She's going to regret that, she realizes belatedly, can tell where this conversation is going. But she's so dazed and Nathan is so fucking close and his warmth, his smell, they're intoxicating, mind-numbing.
Author's Notes: Written for my hc-bingo prompt "disappearing".
Sorry for the long wait, this chapter was a freaking nightmare. Audrey and Nathan just refuse to cooperate with me. Well, mainly, Nathan refuses. But they are just both such stupid idiots I cannot. I literally rewrote this thing at least 5 times and it's so blurred into my brain right now I probably wouldn't notice blatant errors if they jumped out of the page at me, so excuse anything horrible.
Song is "Hold On To What You Believe".
i can't promise you that i won't let you down
i can't promise you that i will be the only one around when your hope falls down
and now this land means less and less to me
without you breathing through its trees
i ran away
i could not take the burden of both me and you
it was too fast
casting love on me as if it were a spell i could not break
when it was a promise i could not make
but what if i was wrong?
After the past few days (or months, but who’s counting), Audrey is just about at her breaking point. Seeing Nathan with Jordan in Claire’s office had sent her teetering at the edge. But now, listening to him defend her, after everything - it’s the last straw.
“I hope you’re fucking kidding me,” she snaps, her headache escalating to explosion status. “She just tortured Claire - who happens to work for the police department, in case you’d forgotten. Or does that not even matter to you anymore?”
Nathan glances at the door to the next room, where Audrey had insisted he lock Jordan. “Of course it matters,” he almost growls. “But I can’t exactly arrest her for what she did-”
“Why the hell not?”
“What would I cite her for, exactly?” he demands. “Having a painful touch? There’s no physical evidence, Parker, there’s nothing here except maybe threatening an employee of the state-”
“My word used to mean something to you,” Audrey cuts him off coldly.
Nathan rubs a hand across his face, turning away. “That’s not what this is about, Parker, and you know it,” he states in a low voice. “When have we ever been able to prosecute a Troubled person? Or even tried? And what would we do with her? Put her in jail, where everyone she touched - even the guards - would be down in a second? Or maybe you just think we should get Duke to kill her, like Harry Nix.”
She can’t help flinching at that, just a little, but it’s not nearly enough to stop her. “Don’t you dare,” she hisses. “Don’t dare try to make this about me, Nathan. The Troubled we deal with, the ones that hurt other people - they can’t control it. They don’t know what they’re doing, and once they do they’re horrified. Jordan knew exactly what she was doing. She tortured Claire, not just today. She did it a few years ago, to make sure Claire didn’t tell anyone about that other guy she hurt. She hurts people, Nathan, and she doesn’t care. She doesn’t regret it.” There’s a flash of… something on his face, and for a moment she thinks he might actually see reason.
But then he says, “That’s not true,” and she literally sees red for a moment. “Audrey, she’s Troubled-”
“Jeezus fuck, Nathan, how are you still defending her?” she snarls. His eyes widen, but now with almost fear.
“Audrey, you’re bleeding,” he bites, voice so tight it vibrates.
She wipes at her nose, comes away with red fingers. “Goddammit,” she mutters, grabbing a tissue from Claire’s desk. Apparently this is becoming a habit, one she’ll have to ask the doctor about later. Probably just stress. She hopes.
She looks up to find Nathan staring, face shock white and so scared that her heart drops a foot, then makes her irrationally angry. He has no right to be concerned, not when he’d ignored her well enough before.
“I’m fine,” she snaps.
But he just continues to stare, finally whispering, “I’m sorry.”
And suddenly, just like that, it drains. Every ounce of anger, of hate or jealousy or whatever the hell has been driving her these past few weeks. She slumps against Claire’s desk, rubs a hand over her face.
“I don’t want to fight anymore, Nathan,” she says wearily.
He turns slowly, his eyes so full of anguish they’re like daggers in her already throbbing skull. “Then why are we?” Thick with unshed tears again, like in the precinct when she’d told him to stop protecting her.
She shakes her head slowly, remembers the pain and fear in the Holloway house, when he’d walked away from her. After Jordan. “This thing with Jordan, it’s only work?” He hesitates, just for a moment, and Audrey smiles sadly. “That’s why.”
“Audrey, it’s not…” He growls in frustration, running a hand through his hair. “I didn’t know, until after I met her. That she was… like me. That I could help her.”
“Help her.” Her voice sounds hollow, even to her ears. Help her how, exactly? Did you know the skin on your lips is the most sensitive on your entire body?
And then it hits her, like a sledgehammer. Help her. Help her the way Audrey could help him, except she never does. Is that what he’d wanted from her? Is that all he’d ever wanted from her?
She feels nauseous.
Nathan takes a step forward, reaches out to touch her hand. It takes everything Audrey has not to flinch away. “Do you know why I don’t do this?” he asks quietly, running his fingers along the back of her hand. Audrey suppresses a shiver, refuses to let him see how easily he gets to her. “Do you know why I didn’t tell you, for a long time?” He runs his fingers up her wrist, slowly, too slowly.
Audrey can’t bring herself to speak.
“Because this…” He touches her cheek and she can’t help gasping, just a little. “This isn’t all we are, Audrey. This isn’t why I…” His voice dies but his hand says enough, cupping her face gently, thumb stroking her skin. “I never wanted you to think the only reason I care is because I can feel you,” he murmurs, face inches from hers. “Because nothing could be further from the truth. You were the first real friend I’d had in a long time, long before I felt you. Just because you’re you.”
Audrey feels tears burn her eyes, closes them against the naked emotion on his face. She can’t handle this, not now, not when she’s supposed to be furious with him for Jordan. Not when his touch affects her almost as much as hers affects him. She can’t move, can’t breathe, can’t do anything but lean into his hand and wish she could take back the past month.
“I’m sorry.” The words slip from her mouth before she knows what she’s saying, her voice tiny and broken and unrecognizable. Nathan’s thumb brushes at her cheeks and she thinks she might be crying again, and god she is really sick of crying. She’s sick of being so scared and lost and lonely. “Nathan, I’m sorry,” she chokes. “I’ve been such an idiot, I thought… I thought I was protecting you but I just made things so much worse and I’m sorry-”
“Stop.” He strokes her cheek again, thumb brushing right beside her lips, and she’s too overwhelmed to say anything else. “I know, Audrey.” His steady warmth, so close, reminds her suddenly of how much she’s missed him. Her partner, her friend. She’d pushed him away because she’d been scared he was something more, but in the process she’d lost more than just her potential lover. She’d lost her confidant, her closest friend, and it suddenly hits her how badly she’s needed him.
She half-launches herself at him, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck before she can think too much. And he doesn’t hesitate to pull her closer - he always waits for her to make the first move and it’s beyond frustrating but right now she doesn’t really care, because his arms are strong and safe around her and all she can think is that this feels like home.
“I’m sorry,” she chokes again into his shoulder. “I didn’t want to hurt you, Nathan.”
“I know,” he murmurs again, lips right by her ear. “We’ll figure it out, Audrey. We always do.” They always do until one day they won’t, because she’ll be gone. Less than a month and they’re running out of time and they’re no closer to working this out. Any of it. It’s enough to bury her face in his shirt, to shut out the rest of the world for just a moment. Take a breath, then another, feels the knot of tension that’s been aching in her chest for the past few weeks dissipate as Nathan runs his hand along her back.
But she smells Jordan, all over him. Imagines the woman’s lips on his, her fingers on his skin, and finds herself pulling back. He looks down at her, worry lines on his forehead and eyes dark with concern.
“Audrey.” It’s all he says, just her name - her name, when it comes from his lips. Other times she may doubt that it’s who she really is, but with Nathan she never doubts at all.
“I’m fine,” she tells him quietly. The expression on his face doesn’t change. “Really, Nathan, I promise.”
He wipes at the blood on her face, states tightly, “Claire told me, about the flashbacks.” Of course she did. “Audrey-”
“It’s fine, Nathan,” she cuts him off. She really, really doesn’t want to have this conversation right now.
“No, it’s not fine,” he snaps. “It’s not fine because you’re my partner and I didn’t even notice!”
And that stops her cold, freezes the breath in her lungs. She’d been expecting accusations and demands that she see doctors and stop remembering - but this? He puts a finger lightly under her chin, lifts her face to study her, and if he keeps touching her like this she’s going to just melt or jump him or something equally embarrassing.
“Audrey, I… I don’t know what’s been going on with us, but you’re my partner. You always have my back, and I should’ve had yours. I’m sorry.” She’s completely speechless, for possibly the first time in her life.
Nathan drops his hand, and the loss of his touch is absolutely devastating. “I trust you,” he says quietly. “And I need you to trust me, Audrey.”
“I do.” She doesn’t even know she’s saying the words until she hears them, sees a small smile on Nathan’s face. “You know I do.” She’s going to regret that, she realizes belatedly, can tell where this conversation is going. But she’s so dazed and Nathan is so fucking close and his warmth, his smell, they’re intoxicating, mind-numbing.
“Then listen to me,” he pleads. “Just let me try to explain.” She sighs, rubs a hand across her forehead wearily.
She supposes she owes him that, at least.
but we're young
open flowers in the windy fields of this war-torn world
and love, this city breathes the plague of loving things more than their creators
when the darkness has robbed you of all your sight
hold on to what you believed in the light
Fandom: Haven
Characters/pairings: Nathan/Audrey, Claire Callahan, Duke Crocker, Jordan McKee (Nathan/Jordan?)
Rating: M
Spoilers: Through 3.06 (Real Estate)
Story Summary: It’s all so fucked up, so far from where they’d started, so far from where they should be. And she’d take all of it back, she’d forgive everything, if he could just be here right now.
Chapter: 11/?
Word count: 1680
Warnings: None
Chapter Summary: She's going to regret that, she realizes belatedly, can tell where this conversation is going. But she's so dazed and Nathan is so fucking close and his warmth, his smell, they're intoxicating, mind-numbing.
Author's Notes: Written for my hc-bingo prompt "disappearing".
Sorry for the long wait, this chapter was a freaking nightmare. Audrey and Nathan just refuse to cooperate with me. Well, mainly, Nathan refuses. But they are just both such stupid idiots I cannot. I literally rewrote this thing at least 5 times and it's so blurred into my brain right now I probably wouldn't notice blatant errors if they jumped out of the page at me, so excuse anything horrible.
Song is "Hold On To What You Believe".
i can't promise you that i won't let you down
i can't promise you that i will be the only one around when your hope falls down
and now this land means less and less to me
without you breathing through its trees
i ran away
i could not take the burden of both me and you
it was too fast
casting love on me as if it were a spell i could not break
when it was a promise i could not make
but what if i was wrong?
After the past few days (or months, but who’s counting), Audrey is just about at her breaking point. Seeing Nathan with Jordan in Claire’s office had sent her teetering at the edge. But now, listening to him defend her, after everything - it’s the last straw.
“I hope you’re fucking kidding me,” she snaps, her headache escalating to explosion status. “She just tortured Claire - who happens to work for the police department, in case you’d forgotten. Or does that not even matter to you anymore?”
Nathan glances at the door to the next room, where Audrey had insisted he lock Jordan. “Of course it matters,” he almost growls. “But I can’t exactly arrest her for what she did-”
“Why the hell not?”
“What would I cite her for, exactly?” he demands. “Having a painful touch? There’s no physical evidence, Parker, there’s nothing here except maybe threatening an employee of the state-”
“My word used to mean something to you,” Audrey cuts him off coldly.
Nathan rubs a hand across his face, turning away. “That’s not what this is about, Parker, and you know it,” he states in a low voice. “When have we ever been able to prosecute a Troubled person? Or even tried? And what would we do with her? Put her in jail, where everyone she touched - even the guards - would be down in a second? Or maybe you just think we should get Duke to kill her, like Harry Nix.”
She can’t help flinching at that, just a little, but it’s not nearly enough to stop her. “Don’t you dare,” she hisses. “Don’t dare try to make this about me, Nathan. The Troubled we deal with, the ones that hurt other people - they can’t control it. They don’t know what they’re doing, and once they do they’re horrified. Jordan knew exactly what she was doing. She tortured Claire, not just today. She did it a few years ago, to make sure Claire didn’t tell anyone about that other guy she hurt. She hurts people, Nathan, and she doesn’t care. She doesn’t regret it.” There’s a flash of… something on his face, and for a moment she thinks he might actually see reason.
But then he says, “That’s not true,” and she literally sees red for a moment. “Audrey, she’s Troubled-”
“Jeezus fuck, Nathan, how are you still defending her?” she snarls. His eyes widen, but now with almost fear.
“Audrey, you’re bleeding,” he bites, voice so tight it vibrates.
She wipes at her nose, comes away with red fingers. “Goddammit,” she mutters, grabbing a tissue from Claire’s desk. Apparently this is becoming a habit, one she’ll have to ask the doctor about later. Probably just stress. She hopes.
She looks up to find Nathan staring, face shock white and so scared that her heart drops a foot, then makes her irrationally angry. He has no right to be concerned, not when he’d ignored her well enough before.
“I’m fine,” she snaps.
But he just continues to stare, finally whispering, “I’m sorry.”
And suddenly, just like that, it drains. Every ounce of anger, of hate or jealousy or whatever the hell has been driving her these past few weeks. She slumps against Claire’s desk, rubs a hand over her face.
“I don’t want to fight anymore, Nathan,” she says wearily.
He turns slowly, his eyes so full of anguish they’re like daggers in her already throbbing skull. “Then why are we?” Thick with unshed tears again, like in the precinct when she’d told him to stop protecting her.
She shakes her head slowly, remembers the pain and fear in the Holloway house, when he’d walked away from her. After Jordan. “This thing with Jordan, it’s only work?” He hesitates, just for a moment, and Audrey smiles sadly. “That’s why.”
“Audrey, it’s not…” He growls in frustration, running a hand through his hair. “I didn’t know, until after I met her. That she was… like me. That I could help her.”
“Help her.” Her voice sounds hollow, even to her ears. Help her how, exactly? Did you know the skin on your lips is the most sensitive on your entire body?
And then it hits her, like a sledgehammer. Help her. Help her the way Audrey could help him, except she never does. Is that what he’d wanted from her? Is that all he’d ever wanted from her?
She feels nauseous.
Nathan takes a step forward, reaches out to touch her hand. It takes everything Audrey has not to flinch away. “Do you know why I don’t do this?” he asks quietly, running his fingers along the back of her hand. Audrey suppresses a shiver, refuses to let him see how easily he gets to her. “Do you know why I didn’t tell you, for a long time?” He runs his fingers up her wrist, slowly, too slowly.
Audrey can’t bring herself to speak.
“Because this…” He touches her cheek and she can’t help gasping, just a little. “This isn’t all we are, Audrey. This isn’t why I…” His voice dies but his hand says enough, cupping her face gently, thumb stroking her skin. “I never wanted you to think the only reason I care is because I can feel you,” he murmurs, face inches from hers. “Because nothing could be further from the truth. You were the first real friend I’d had in a long time, long before I felt you. Just because you’re you.”
Audrey feels tears burn her eyes, closes them against the naked emotion on his face. She can’t handle this, not now, not when she’s supposed to be furious with him for Jordan. Not when his touch affects her almost as much as hers affects him. She can’t move, can’t breathe, can’t do anything but lean into his hand and wish she could take back the past month.
“I’m sorry.” The words slip from her mouth before she knows what she’s saying, her voice tiny and broken and unrecognizable. Nathan’s thumb brushes at her cheeks and she thinks she might be crying again, and god she is really sick of crying. She’s sick of being so scared and lost and lonely. “Nathan, I’m sorry,” she chokes. “I’ve been such an idiot, I thought… I thought I was protecting you but I just made things so much worse and I’m sorry-”
“Stop.” He strokes her cheek again, thumb brushing right beside her lips, and she’s too overwhelmed to say anything else. “I know, Audrey.” His steady warmth, so close, reminds her suddenly of how much she’s missed him. Her partner, her friend. She’d pushed him away because she’d been scared he was something more, but in the process she’d lost more than just her potential lover. She’d lost her confidant, her closest friend, and it suddenly hits her how badly she’s needed him.
She half-launches herself at him, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck before she can think too much. And he doesn’t hesitate to pull her closer - he always waits for her to make the first move and it’s beyond frustrating but right now she doesn’t really care, because his arms are strong and safe around her and all she can think is that this feels like home.
“I’m sorry,” she chokes again into his shoulder. “I didn’t want to hurt you, Nathan.”
“I know,” he murmurs again, lips right by her ear. “We’ll figure it out, Audrey. We always do.” They always do until one day they won’t, because she’ll be gone. Less than a month and they’re running out of time and they’re no closer to working this out. Any of it. It’s enough to bury her face in his shirt, to shut out the rest of the world for just a moment. Take a breath, then another, feels the knot of tension that’s been aching in her chest for the past few weeks dissipate as Nathan runs his hand along her back.
But she smells Jordan, all over him. Imagines the woman’s lips on his, her fingers on his skin, and finds herself pulling back. He looks down at her, worry lines on his forehead and eyes dark with concern.
“Audrey.” It’s all he says, just her name - her name, when it comes from his lips. Other times she may doubt that it’s who she really is, but with Nathan she never doubts at all.
“I’m fine,” she tells him quietly. The expression on his face doesn’t change. “Really, Nathan, I promise.”
He wipes at the blood on her face, states tightly, “Claire told me, about the flashbacks.” Of course she did. “Audrey-”
“It’s fine, Nathan,” she cuts him off. She really, really doesn’t want to have this conversation right now.
“No, it’s not fine,” he snaps. “It’s not fine because you’re my partner and I didn’t even notice!”
And that stops her cold, freezes the breath in her lungs. She’d been expecting accusations and demands that she see doctors and stop remembering - but this? He puts a finger lightly under her chin, lifts her face to study her, and if he keeps touching her like this she’s going to just melt or jump him or something equally embarrassing.
“Audrey, I… I don’t know what’s been going on with us, but you’re my partner. You always have my back, and I should’ve had yours. I’m sorry.” She’s completely speechless, for possibly the first time in her life.
Nathan drops his hand, and the loss of his touch is absolutely devastating. “I trust you,” he says quietly. “And I need you to trust me, Audrey.”
“I do.” She doesn’t even know she’s saying the words until she hears them, sees a small smile on Nathan’s face. “You know I do.” She’s going to regret that, she realizes belatedly, can tell where this conversation is going. But she’s so dazed and Nathan is so fucking close and his warmth, his smell, they’re intoxicating, mind-numbing.
“Then listen to me,” he pleads. “Just let me try to explain.” She sighs, rubs a hand across her forehead wearily.
She supposes she owes him that, at least.
but we're young
open flowers in the windy fields of this war-torn world
and love, this city breathes the plague of loving things more than their creators
when the darkness has robbed you of all your sight
hold on to what you believed in the light