A one act play. Because why not?
Scene 1
A dark room. There is a high table, upon which a figure, H, is sitting precariously. A well dressed government agent, F, seems to be performing a medical examination.
H: What happened to me? Where am I?
F: You have successfully entered the witness protection service. Congratulations.
H: But...what am I?
F: You, sir, are an egg.
H: An egg? But, but...
F: Yes. You have arms and legs. Those seemed necessary.
H: [Bewildered.] I'm assuming the egg part was equally necessary?
F: Not really. But once we had that done, the sailor outfit was absolutely essential.
H: Which explains the beret.
F: [Pleased with himself.] It does, doesn't it?
[Long pause as F continues with the examination. H whimpers softly.]
H: There must be a bright side to this.
F: Oh there is. You have a fabulous name.
H: I do?
F: Yes. Humpty Dumpty.
H: Who the hell thought of that?!
F: One of the guys in marketing really liked the Humpty Dance.
H: The what?
F: You know. "I drink up all the Hennessey ya got on ya shelf/so just let me introduce myself/My name is Humpty, pronounced with a Umpty./Yo ladies, oh how I like to hump thee./And all the rappers in the ..."
H: [Furious. It is very difficult for an egg to act in a furious manner without looking foolish.] This is horrible!
F: Mr. Dumpty. Please. Control yourself.
[H falls over. F gets some toast for dipping. End scene.]
Scene 2
It is night. There is faint music--the sound of bells--as the rustling of leaves is heard in the distance. There is a bench, but it is empty. Looking closer, much closer, we can make out a small metallic object glimmering in the moonlight. It is revealed to be three wood nymphs dancing upon a thimble.
[The thimble goes directly to jail. The nymphs will be released in five years, three with good behavior.]
A dark room. There is a high table, upon which a figure, H, is sitting precariously. A well dressed government agent, F, seems to be performing a medical examination.
H: What happened to me? Where am I?
F: You have successfully entered the witness protection service. Congratulations.
H: But...what am I?
F: You, sir, are an egg.
H: An egg? But, but...
F: Yes. You have arms and legs. Those seemed necessary.
H: [Bewildered.] I'm assuming the egg part was equally necessary?
F: Not really. But once we had that done, the sailor outfit was absolutely essential.
H: Which explains the beret.
F: [Pleased with himself.] It does, doesn't it?
[Long pause as F continues with the examination. H whimpers softly.]
H: There must be a bright side to this.
F: Oh there is. You have a fabulous name.
H: I do?
F: Yes. Humpty Dumpty.
H: Who the hell thought of that?!
F: One of the guys in marketing really liked the Humpty Dance.
H: The what?
F: You know. "I drink up all the Hennessey ya got on ya shelf/so just let me introduce myself/My name is Humpty, pronounced with a Umpty./Yo ladies, oh how I like to hump thee./And all the rappers in the ..."
H: [Furious. It is very difficult for an egg to act in a furious manner without looking foolish.] This is horrible!
F: Mr. Dumpty. Please. Control yourself.
[H falls over. F gets some toast for dipping. End scene.]
Scene 2
It is night. There is faint music--the sound of bells--as the rustling of leaves is heard in the distance. There is a bench, but it is empty. Looking closer, much closer, we can make out a small metallic object glimmering in the moonlight. It is revealed to be three wood nymphs dancing upon a thimble.
[The thimble goes directly to jail. The nymphs will be released in five years, three with good behavior.]