Minimans Chapter 4
Reid wished that he had a weapon. He desperately missed his trusty revolver in its mispositioned holster on his belt. Here he was, trapped inside the deserted museum, surrounded by corrupt security guards, possessing none of wallet, cell phone, or minimans, with only his wits to protect himself and his new charge. His wits would have to be enough.
"Hey Jason," Reid addressed the boy, "Let's go check the restroom. The bad man dropped the taser on the floor. It should still be there."
"OK," the boy nodded, "And then we'll go look for my Daddy?"
"Yeah," Reid replied, "We'll look for your dad and my kids. We'll be really quiet when we're walking around, just in case the bad guys come back."
The boy nodded and gave the man a thumbs-up. The man poked his head out of the alcove in the Dinosaur Hall. He clutched the boy's hand in his own, giving it a confident squeeze of reassurance. The two of them padded softly past the ancient fossils.
At the exit into the rotunda, Reid peeked around the corner, sweeping the large domed space with his eyes for any sign of movement. Seeing none, he turned the corner to his right, dashed past the entrance to the Ancient Seas, and halted in the area under the stairs. He felt safer in the half-enclosed space near the restrooms. He looked down at the boy.
"Hey Jason, do you have any change on you?" Reid asked. "We can use the pay phones if you've got quarters..." he stopped as the boy shook his head. "It's OK. We'll just check the restroom then. Make sure to stay behind me, just in case the bad guys are inside."
The boy nodded and positioned himself directly behind the man. The man pushed open the restroom door, poked his head in, and checked for gross objects, gross movements, fine objects, and fine movements. Seeing none, he stepped inside, the boy following directly behind him. There was no one in the restroom and no taser on the floor.
In his pocket, the boy fiddled with the taser. He had no plans to use it, now that he had the man all to himself, but it was nice to have it, just in case.
"Damn it!" Reid cursed uncharacteristically. "I should've grabbed the taser while it was still here! No weapon, no Jack, no Henry! Only stupid dumb idiotic you!" he referred to himself.
"I'm here, Billy," the boy said timidly.
Sensing that the man was distressed, the boy attempted to offer a modicum of comfort. At first, when he had initially spotted the man and the brats, the boy had only been concerned with his own needs. Now, he was starting to be drawn up into the needs of the man. He considered giving up the taser, but he calculated against it. While the relationship was new and fragile, the boy was afraid to taint his image in the eyes of the man. The eyes of the man and how they looked at him were the only things that the boy cared about.
"I know, Jason," Reid said, "I'm glad you're here. If only Jack and Henry were here too...Then we'd all have a great time together," he sighed softly, his face full of anxiety over the fate of the minimans.
He ran through all the possible scenarios in scenario-space. He shuddered at the disturbing scenarios that came to mind. He suddenly wished that he had not stored so many images of dead children in his nearly infallible memory. He looked down at the boy, resolving to hang onto this new miniman. Each miniman was a precious gift to be hung onto for dear life.
Intense anxiety gave way to intense terror. Reid came up with an idea.
Orkin Pest Control was a nationwide company that specialized in eliminating arthropods from the home. Having spent half a century killing man's many-legged frenemies, the exterminator had begun to feel guilty. That was why the company had funded the creation of the O. Orkin Insect Zoo at the National Museum of Natural History. The exhibit housed more than 300 live insects. Reid needed a weapon.
From a corner of the restroom, he grabbed a large cardboard box. He dumped out several rolls of toilet paper to make room for three small boxes that he stuffed into the large box. He checked the heights of the cardboard sides, hoping that they would be tall enough to contain their future inhabitants. Even with his vast stores of entomological knowledge, Reid wasn't sure what would happen when a Madagascar hissing cockroach, an emperor scorpion, and a Goliath bird-eating tarantula ended up in the same habitat. The boxes formed a poor habitat, but he would have to make do. He desperately needed a weapon.
"Jason, let's go upstairs," Reid whispered to the boy. "Let's go make some new friends upstairs. Do you like bugs? Have you ever been to the Insect Zoo?"
"Yeah!" Jason answered brightly, "The Insect Zoo is super coooooool! It's got..."
"Shhhhhhh," Reid held his finger over his lips, "Let's be extra quiet on our way up there, OK? We don't want the bad guys to see us or hear us."
The boy nodded and zipped up his lips. He smiled a charming smile with his mouth closed. He followed, and would follow, wherever the man led.
The man and the boy climbed the stairs to the second floor. From the balcony, they rushed into the Hall of Bones, seeking cover amongst the dimly-lit exhibits. The Hall of Bones was full of vertebrate skeletons from extant organisms. Reid didn't think that the smugglers would be interested in such common specimens when they had ancient fossils to pick and choose from on the first floor. On the second floor, the only thing that the smugglers would be interested in was the Hall of Geology, Gems, and Minerals. Reid vowed to stay away from that area.
The man and the boy fled through the Hall of Bones, past the Reptile Exhibit, and into the Insect Zoo. Reid was sure that the smugglers would not be interested in bugs, live or dead.
In the Insect Zoo, he zeroed in upon the door leading to the area behind the exhibits. He grabbed his keychain out of his pocket, thanking his lucky stars that he still had it on him. He carried the pick and wrench of a lock-picking kit on his keychain. It took him only a couple of minutes to pick the lock.
The boy watched the man in silent fascination. He admired the man's skill. The man was not just a teller of stories. He was also a doer of deeds.
The doorknob turned with a satisfying click. The man and the boy entered the dark narrow room. Reid was relieved to discover that the area behind the Insect Zoo was not a den of thieves. He hadn't expected that it would be, based on his geographical profile of the museum. The smugglers were far more likely to hole up in a warm comfortable hideout devoid of creepy-crawlies. They were probably drinking coffee and counting bills in the employee lounge.
Reid relaxed in the safety of the confined space. He turned to the insects in their fancy miniature habitats.
The exhibit nearest the door held the Madagascar hissing cockroaches. Within the habitat, there were at least twenty of the reddish brown segmented insects crawling around on small rotten logs. Each cockroach was three to four inches long, with classic roach legs and classic roach antennae, but lacking the wings that covered the segments of most species of cockroaches. Without the wings, the segments were exposed, so the Madagascar hissing cockroach appeared slightly less disgusting and slightly more workmanlike than others of their order. In addition, their ability to hiss through their breathing pores, the equivalent of human noses, elevated the Madagascar hissing cockroach above other hissing insects, which could only hiss by rubbing their external body parts together. Reid found them quite lovable.
"What do you think, Jason?" the man consulted the boy.
"Coooooool!" the boy nudged up against the plexiglas at the back of the habitat. "Are we going to collect some of these? Are we going to use them on the bad guys? I wanna see them eat the bad guys alive!"
"Yeah, Jason," Reid opened a door halfway up the plexiglas. "But we're only going to defend ourselves against the bad guys. We're not going to use these unless it's absolutely necessary. Here, roachie, roachie, roachie..." he tried to entice one of the roaches into a box.
The roach, as attracted to the man as the boy had been earlier, tried to climb up the side of the plexiglas. The roach, usually an excellent climber, was thwarted by the petroleum jelly that its caretakers had applied to the plexiglas to prevent it from escaping the habitat. Reid considered plucking the roach up by the legs, but he didn't know if such a violent action would harm the innocent insect. Jason came to the rescue with a metal scoop. The roach crawled into the scoop. It wiggled its antennae at the humans. It relished the ride from one habitat to another. Somewhere within its simple insectoid nervous system, it experienced an intense surge of joy.
Using the same method, Reid scooped up a baker's dozen of Madagascar hissing cockroaches. The roaches hissed together in the box. Madagascar hissing cockroaches possessed a repertoire of three different hisses - the disturbance hiss, the fighting hiss, and the female-attracting hiss. At the moment, all the roaches hissed with the same timbre. Reid wondered which hiss they were employing. He hoped that it was not the female-attracting hiss. That wasn't going to get them anywhere with him.
"Wow!" the boy exclaimed as he played with the roaches. "Check it out! They're nibbling on my fingers! I think they like me!"
Reid checked it out, "They do like you!" he declared, "Who do you want to play with next, Jason?"
"The scorpion! Definitely the scorpion!" the boy pointed at the next habitat.
"Good thinking, Jason," Reid said. "There's a whole family of emperor scorpions here, but it looks like we can only fit one in the box. Did you know that scorpions are actually arachnids rather than insects? Arachnida and Insecta are both classes, which fall under phylum Arthropoda in modern taxonomy. Did you know that the emperor scorpion is one of the largest species of scorpion in the world? It may look sinister with its shiny black exoskeleton, but it's really quite harmless to humans. Its venom is not very toxic. Did you know that the exoskeleton fluoresces under UV light? It glows a beautiful seafoam green!"
"Whoa, does it really glow?" Jason widened his sparkling blue eyes, "I never knew that insects could glow! Oops...I mean...I never knew that arachnids could glow!"
The boy whipped his head back and forth, looking from the scorpion to the man and back to the scorpion again. He was so bursting with excitement that he didn't know where to look. The man was telling him stories, ones that were meant for his ears alone. He didn't have to share them with anyone. It made him feel so special.
"Here, scorpie, scorpie, scorpie..." Reid tried to entice a nine-inch-long scorpion into a box.
The scorpion, sensing a chance to escape, stood up against the plexiglas. With amazing strength, it lunged over the door and plopped into the waiting receptacle. Reid supported the box from the bottom, taking care not to extend his fingers over the side. The venom of the emperor scorpion was not very toxic, but the bite was still very painful.
Somewhere within the scorpion's arachnid consciousness, it experienced a warm fuzzy feeling. It was happy to be free of its boring habitat and its annoying relatives. It was somewhat disillusioned with its life in the Insect Zoo. Twelve months ago, it had gotten knocked up after a whirlwind romance with one of its brothers. Afterwards, the brother had turned his attention to another sister, and the pregnant scorpion had felt unattractive and unloved. Now, it was happy to join the larger world of its new caretakers. It looked forward to a new beginning for itself and its soon-to-be-hatched scorplings.
Reid set the scorpion box as far away as possible from the cockroach box. As a safety precaution, he applied petroleum jelly to the inside and outside walls of the cockroach box. It was for their own good. In the wild, cockroaches were a staple in the diet of scorpions.
Confident in the separation of the insects and the arachnids, Reid turned to the Goliath bird-eating tarantula.
The Goliath bird-eating tarantula was a horrifyingly large spider. It had a leg span of twelve inches, second only to the giant huntsman spider, which, although larger in diameter, was no match in terms of mass or hairiness. Nor did the giant huntsman spider eat birds, bats, rodents, lizards, or venomous snakes for breakfast.
The spider stared at Reid with its terrifying eyes. Reid didn't relish the thought of touching the tarantula. He almost allowed the boy to pluck the spider out of its habitat, but waved him away at the very last second, when he recalled that the tarantula possessed sharp one-inch-long fangs that could easily break the skin of a human, much less a miniman. It also possessed urticulating hairs that it could shoot out of its body whenever it sensed danger. The hairs could lodge themselves into the skin and eyes of the victim and secrete acrid fluids that caused allergic reactions.
"Jason, can you do something for me?" Reid asked the boy, "Can you go stand over there while I'm playing with the spider?"
The boy hesitated, edged towards the spider habitat, then thought better of it and scurried obediently into the farthest corner of the room. He knew that it was for his own good.
"Here, spidey, spidey, spidey..." Reid held a box over the door of the habitat.
The spider, another of the man's normal fans, crawled eagerly into the box. It wished that it could see the man more clearly, but it belonged to a species of spider that had very poor eyesight, so it had to make do with the vibrations of the man's hands as the man shifted the box beneath it. The vibrations awakened a feeling that had lain dormant for years. The spider had not felt so titillated since it had reached sexual maturity at the age of four, mated with its first love, and murdered said love several days later, according to the custom of the Goliath bird-eating tarantula.
"What should we name it?" Jason asked from the corner.
"Deus ex machina," Reid replied, "God from the machine."
"Are we going to use it as a last resort?" Jason caught onto the implications of the name.
"You bet!" Reid grinned in a manner that would have tricked a stranger into believing that he was eager to deploy the overgrown tarantula.
He placed the spider box between the scorpion box and the cockroach box. As another safety precaution, he shifted the spider box closer to the scorpion box. Cockroaches were also a staple in the diet of tarantulas.
For good measure, Reid opened up the final habitat and plucked out several of the largest greenest mantises within. He plopped the mantises into the interstitial space between the three small boxes. He grabbed a spray bottle from the table behind the habitat. The bottle was labeled "Reproductive Pheromones". Based on his knowledge of mantises and their mating habits, Reid determined that the spray bottle could be put to good use.
"Come on," Reid waved Jason over from the corner, "Let's go look for your dad and my kids."
The boy rushed over, planting himself at the side of the man. He fancied himself as the righthand man of his much-admired father figure. He felt only the tiniest tinge of jealousy at the mention of the other children.
"OK, Jason," Reid maneuvered the box into position under his left arm, "Here's the plan. I'm thinking that Jack and Henry are hiding out in a little cubbyhole or cabinet somewhere in the museum. That's why we're going to take a tour of the museum and try every door that we come across. This way, you can look for your dad at the same time that I look for my kids. If we come across any of those bad guys..." he glanced significantly at the creepy-crawly box of horrors. "What do you think, Jason? Are you with me?"
"I'm with you, Billy!" the boy low-fived the man.
"Alright, first stop, the Fossil Cafe," Reid indicated the small restaurant on the first floor.
He suspected that the minimans were hiding out on the first floor. Jack had pushed Henry away in the stroller, and Reid didn't think that Jack would have taken the elevator to the second floor or the basement. He decided to start his search on the first floor, going from the Dinosaur Hall to the Fossil Mammals to the Ice Age, with a special emphasis on the Fossil Cafe. The Fossil Cafe contained many cubbyholes and cabinets under the counters.
The man and the boy retraced their path out of the O. Orkin Insect Zoo. They paused at the second floor railing to examine the rotunda below. There was no one patrolling the rotunda or manning the security desk. The security guards were still busy with their extracurricular activities.
Reid turned towards the set of stairs closest to the Hall of Bones. Across the railing, he could see into the Hall of Geology, Gems, and Minerals. He could see the Hope Diamond in its special room at the center of the hall. He could see movement near the Hope Diamond. It was a security guard, peering intently at the deep blue gem in its glass display case.
Reid attempted to suppress his primal urges. He was furious. He was livid. He was sick with anger that the short fat balding ignoramus on the other side of the railing dared appraise the beautiful miraculous work of nature and man combined. He was sure that the security guard was leering at the diamond with dollar signs spinning in his beady eyes. The thought made him nauseous. He lost control of himself. He had no choice but to deploy the cockroaches.
"Hey Jason, I've gotta do something over there," Reid pointed across the railing, "But I'm going to be back real soon. Can you hide out here for a few minutes?" he indicated a narrow alcove between the stairs and the museum store.
"No! I don't wanna stay here alone!" Jason protested. "I'm scared to stay here by myself! I wanna come with you! Are you going to use the cockroaches on that bad man? I can help! I wanna help!" he insisted with earnest eyes and quivering lips.
"OK, OK," Reid whispered, "Shhhhhhh! You can come with me, but remember to stay behind me at all times and to be really really really quiet. That man could be dangerous. He doesn't seem to have a gun," he squinted across the railing, "But what if he has a taser? Believe me when I say that those things don't feel good at all!"
The boy nodded and positioned himself directly behind the man. He was thrilled. He was completely caught up in the adventures of the evening. In his pocket, he fiddled with the taser. He knew what he would do with it. If things got out of hand, he would use it to defend his friend.
Reid edged furtively towards the Hall of Geology, Gems, and Minerals. At the entrance, he flattened himself against the wall and glanced sideways into the Hope Diamond Exhibit. The security guard was still there, leering lasciviously at the glittering gem.
Reid set the large box on the floor and lifted out the cockroach box. The cockroaches hissed softly, as if they understood that their master required stealth for his operations.
Reid stuck his hand into the box. He allowed the largest cockroach to crawl into his palm. Once the roach was secure, he extended his arm over the floor in the direction of the security guard. The roach hopped off his hand, skittered across the marble, and crawled up the pant leg of the security guard. As the leader of its pack, it was followed by all the other roaches, who, being excellent climbers, quickly carved out a niche for themselves within the pant legs of the security guard. Madagascar hissing cockroaches were omnivores, which meant that they ate vegetables most of the time but could hardly resist a juicy cut of steak, when offered.
The security guard scratched at his legs. He froze as he discovered something horribly amiss within his pants. He scratched harder, rolling up his pants to flick away the insects that covered his pale hairy legs. The sight of the cockroaches sent him into a frenzied panic. He dropped to his knees and keeled over onto the floor. He grimaced and screamed and flailed. He spun in circles over the cold marble surface. He clutched at the stand bearing the Hope Diamond. His face turned scarlet. He sweated like a pig. The cockroaches hissed loudly within his pants, climbing ever higher in their newest habitat.
"Sssssss! Sssssss!" the cockroaches hissed.
"Augh! Augh!" the man screamed.
"Sssssss! Sssssss!" the cockroaches hissed.
"Augh! Augh!" the man screamed.
Reid watched the scene unfold before him. He pegged the sound of the cockroaches as the fighting hiss. He found it curious that instead of attempting to solve the problem of the roaches, the security guard would choose to scream and flail on the floor.
After several minutes, Reid took mercy upon the security guard. He decided to put a stop to the disturbance. He didn't want the noise to attract the attention of the other security guards. He approached the writhing man.
"Did you think that you were going to get away with it?" Reid grabbed the man by the arms and pulled him into the nearby restroom, as a tarantula would pull its prey into its hole. "What were you planning to do with the Hope Diamond once you got your dirty little paws on it?" he snatched a pair of handcuffs off the man's belt. "Were you planning to sell it whole or piece by piece?" he handcuffed the man to a pipe along the wall. "Were you aware that the Hope Diamond came with a curse? It's brought nothing but death and misery to all its owners! Did you know that Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette were beheaded because of it? Did you know that it drove some of its jewelers stark raving mad? Were you hoping that you'd have better luck with it?"
"Who...Who...Who are you?" the security guard blubbered with tears rolling down his ruddy cheeks.
"Here, roachie, roachie, roachie..." Reid ignored the man, preferring to address the cockroaches as he enticed them out of the man's pants and back into the box.
He checked the man's belt for a weapon or a cell phone. He found only a transceiver, which he pocketed to prevent the man from radioing his colleagues for help.
"You can call me Deus ex machina," he smiled as he unleashed the tarantula.
The spider, finding the security guard absolutely abhorrent in comparison to its beloved master, bit a chunk out of the man's chin as the man twisted and turned to shake it off his face. Finding the man's flesh greasy and vile, the spider urticulated several of its long sharp hairs into the man's cheeks. The man's cheeks swelled up immediately, lending him an even ruddier piggier appearance than before. Reid tried not to enjoy himself too much. He was slightly annoyed that he had slipped up and released the spider. Deus ex machina was supposed to be saved for dire situations, not applied willy-nilly as a form of vigilante justice.
"See you later," Reid slapped the security guard on the shoulder as he enticed the spider back into its box. "I hope you've learned your lesson," he hissed contemptuously at the helpless blubbering man. "This should teach you to stop stealing national treasures," he exited the restroom without a backwards glance.
Outside, Reid re-arranged the boxes and counted the arthropods. There were still thirteen cockroaches, one scorpion, one tarantula, and five mantises. He maneuvered the box back into position under his left arm. He sighed happily and offered the boy his right hand. For the first time in his life, Reid felt like an alpha male. He marveled that all it had taken was a legion of arthropods.
The man and the boy walked boldly down the stairs to the first floor. The man was eager to begin the search. The boy was eager to follow the man. In the man's mind, confidence had replaced anxiety. In the boy's mind, contentment had replaced anger. Both minds were at peace, and neither was afraid.
Tasers were no match for arthropods. The creations of man were no match for the creations of nature.
Master Post