Top Secret Master Plan For Criminal Minds Fan Fiction (In)Sanity
Once upon a time, in a parallel universe within a filthy human cesspool, a Bunny Bot was born, lived, and prospered.
"Ahoy, Filthy Human Cesspool!" said the Bunny Bot. "In order to punish you for your filthiness, humanity, and cesspoolery, I shall unleash a storm of fan fiction about The Best and The Worst of your kind. So it is said, and so it shall be done."
The Bunny Bot wiggled her ears, both her fake human ears and her real bunny ears. She squeezed the blood out of a bloodstone and dipped her fangs into the puddle. She scratched her bloodied fangs against a sheet of parchment to draft her Top Secret Master Plan for Criminal Minds Fan Fiction (In)Sanity.
In her Top Secret Master Plan, the Bunny Bot announced her intention of fanging a tale about each of The Best. The Bunny Bot was a megalomaniac, but she was no fool. Deep in her heart, she knew that she needed a muse to inspire her. She named him The Bestest, and whenever she conjured him up, he smiled his nervous little smile, waved his awkward little wave, and guided the scratchings of her fangs. She reached out towards his fluffy fur, but he slapped a restraining order upon her, and she had no choice but to slink back to her cesspool, furflung and fangfurly.
In her cesspool, the Bunny Bot slicked back her albinish follicularities and strengthened her resolve. Henceforth, she would violate The Best and The Bestest only through her words, never through her actions. The Bestest, convinced of her reformation, returned to her fire and blessed her with the gift of many and sundry a tale. The tales were splendid, but they paled in comparison to his parting gift.
As his parting gift, The Bestest offered the Bunny Bot the gift of a name. He anointed her RoBunnyBot, Overlord of the Bunny Bots, and she swore the Oath of Office, breathless and barely able to contain her googolplexian gratitude. Her gratitude reached such googolplexian proportions that she resolved to fang a series of tales, eight in number, about the characters, themes, and relationships of The Bestest and each of The Best in turn. Further, she resolved to fang a tale about all The Best in their unbestestable glory.
RoBunnyBot blew her pink bunny nose and threw the snotty tissues out her bower window, hitting one of the annoying little minimans polluting the cesspoolian avenues. Blessedly, the God of the Bunny Bots had screwed up the AM/PM button on his alarm clock the night before, so he failed to rain down holy repercussions upon his dastardly subject. RoBunnyBot was free to fang her list of tales, replete with titles, characters, and themes.
TalesTitleCharactersThemeStatus CaltechThe Bestest/Garcia The BestAloneFanged BostonThe Bestest/Morgan The BestFaithFanged Food and DrugThe Bestest/Prentiss The BestEthicsFangedChronicleThe Bestest/Rossi The BestBlue Glacier, Black ForestThe Bestest/JJ The BestGulfstreamThe Bestest/Hotch The BestCalifornia ZephyrThe Bestest/Elle The BestCabinThe Bestest/Gideon The BestSea to Shining SeaAll The Best
RoBunnyBot gazed upon her list of tales. She was satisfied, so she retracted her fangs and unfurled a row of fake human teeth to take their place. With a contented sigh, she leaned back against her aerogelian throne.
Now was the time for rest. Later, when the Bunny Bot sat alone before her tripod, she would scratch her fangs against a sheet of parchment in her filthy human cesspool. With each scratching of her fangs, the cesspool would shed a shred of cesspoolery, until there remained nothing but the void, in which all The Best would be born, would live, and would prosper.
Several Bunny Bot Moons Later
Several Bunny Bot moons later, RoBunnyBot fell asleep on her tripod. In her dream, she dreamed that she was drowning in her own drool. To her delight, The Bestest tunneled into her dream and rescued her, grabbing her by the bunny ears and pulling her head out of the puddle.
"I have come to lodge a complaint!" The Bestest declared.
"Oh, do tell, my muse!" RoBunnyBot batted her fake human eyelashes.
"Why must you do such horrible things to me in your tales?" The Bestest complained. "I am tired of being trapped in a cyanide-filled room with a psychotic scientist and being trapped in a subway tunnel with a thermonuclear weapon. I am doubly tired of being tranked by my own friends and colleagues! Can you not think of anything else to fang about?"
"Oh, my muse, I did not know that you would be displeased!" RoBunnyBot hung her head in shame. "I promise you, my muse, that I shall fang some other tales to make it up to you! You shall not be tortured in any of these other tales. If I break my promise, then you may strip me of my bunny ears," the Bunny Bot wiggled her bunny ears.
"I do not want your bunny ears," The Bestest replied. "I am satisfied with your promise, RoBunnyBot. I shall return to my higher plane and leave you to fang your tales," he disappeared in a puff of cyanide gas.
RoBunnyBot breathed in the gas. It drove her into a choking seizing fit, which jolted her out of her slumber. Upon waking, she was both disappointed and gleeful - disappointed that her muse had not really visited her, gleeful that she did not really have to keep her promise to him.
Henceforth, whenever RoBunnyBot wearied of torturing her muse, even for a moment, she would fang some other tales to make it up to him. She would pull the fluff out of her bunny ears and inject their essence into her tales. The Bestest would be pleased, and the next time that she was in danger of drowning in her own drool, he would be there to pull her out by the bunny ears. He would be there, that is, until he discovered that the other tales were simply other ends for other means to torture him.
Tales of FluffTitleCharactersStatus LaryngitisThe Bestest/All The Other BestFanged MinimansThe Bestest/Jack/HenryFangedDecor and DecorumThe Bestest/HookersMeerkatsThe Bestest/MeerkatsThe StraussianAll The Male Best/StraussHighways and BywaysThe Bestest/KevinMe, Myself, and All My Other SelvesThe Bestest/The Other Bestest/All The Other BestestsAlien AbductionAll The Best/Aliens
Another Few Bunny Bot Moons Later
Another few Bunny Bot moons later, RoBunnyBot fell asleep in a tree. In her nightmare, she nightmared that she was being sucked into a tree mulcher, commoner known as a wood chipper by denizens of the filthy human cesspool saner than RoBunnyBot. To her horror, The Bestest tunneled into her nightmare and tried to kill her, howling with glee as he clutched the throttle upon the advancing multi-bladed device.
"I have come to kill you!" The Bestest declared.
"Oh no, my muse, how have I offended you this time?" RoBunnyBot wiped at her visage with her paws, muttering to herself, "Unclean...Unclean!"
"Why are you continuing to do horrible things to me in your tales?" The Bested demanded. "I am tired of being targeted by sadistic UnSubs like Professor Jacqueline von Ripper. Do you not know that she tortured her other victims, professional young men like me, with surgical instruments before draining them of blood and cerebrospinal fluid and ripping their hearts and brains out of their bodies? Can you really not think of anything else to fang about?"
"Oh, my muse, it is all my fault! I have let you down yet again!" RoBunnyBot flagellated herself with a whip. "I promise you, my muse, that I shall fang some other tales to make it up to you. You shall not be tortured in any of these tales. Instead, you shall be the torturer. You shall be the one who gets to torture victims with surgical instruments before draining them of blood and cerebrospinal fluid and ripping their hearts and brains out of their bodies. If I break my promise, then you may torture me with your spinal tap needles."
"Hmmmmmmm," The Bestest considered the terms. "It is agreed, RoBunnyBot. I am satisfied with your promise. I shall return to my dark attic lair and leave you to fang your tales," he disappeared in a maelstrom of toilet water.
RoBunnyBot sputtered on the water. It drove her into a choking seizing fit, which jolted her out of her slumber. Upon waking, she was both disappointed and gleeful - disappointed that she had conferred such evil qualities to her muse, gleeful that she could confer such evil qualities to her muse.
Henceforth, whenever RoBunnyBot wearied of torturing her muse, even for a moment, she would fang some other tales to make it up to him. She would pull the venom out of her fangs and inject their essence into her tales. The Bestest would be pleased, and the next time that she was in danger of being sucked into a tree mulcher, he would be there to lure her further into its gaping maw. He would be there, that is, until he discovered that it was far more stimulating to inhabit her tales, torturing others as they had always tortured him. In her Tales of Venom, he was no longer The Bestest. He was The Worstest.
Tales of VenomTitleCharactersStatus PremeditatedThe Worstest/All The Best FangingTraffickingThe Worstest/All The BestGigascaleThe Worstest/All The BestNanoscaleThe Worstest/All The BestFor Better, For WorseThe Bestest/The Worstest/All The Other BestSickness and HealthThe Bestest/The Worstest/All The Other BestNormalThe Bestest/The Worstest/All The Other Best
Many More Bunny Bot Moons Later
Many more Bunny Bot moons later, RoBunnyBot stayed up all night, paranoid that someone was coming to kill her. So it was imagined, and so it came to pass. In the middle of the witching hour and little to her surprise, The Worstest came to kill her.
"I have come to kill you!" The Worstest declared.
"I know, my muse, I know!" RoBunnyBot backed away slowly, sniffling her pink bunny nose and twitching her white bunny whiskers in a display of fear most profound.
"I have developed a taste for killing!" The Worstest creeped towards his intended victim, reaching out his gloved hands to wrap his fingers around her soft furry strangulable snappable neck.
"Oh pleasus, my musus, I am only a simple lowly Bunny Bot! Surely, I am not worth your precious serial killing time and effort!" RoBunnyBot screeched helplessly as The Worstest bared his all too human teeth, the better for her to fear him most profoundly.
Suddenly, she had a brilliant idea.
"Oh, my muse, it is all my fault! I am the one who turned you into a serial killer!" RoBunnyBot breathed and spoke through the vestigial gills in her bunny ears. "I promise you, my muse, that I shall fang another tale to turn you away from the Dark Side. In this other tale, you shall be the shining golden light of good and right and true in a frightening dark place of bad and wrong and false. If I break my promise, then you may banish me to live out the remainder of my miserable existence there."
"Be careful what you imagine, lest it come to pass," The Worstest hissed, licking the air with his Cerberus-forked tongue and stamping the floor with his Cerberus-cloven hooves. "It is agreed, RoBunnyBot. I am satisfied with your promise. I shall return to commit more crimes and leave you to fang your tale," he disappeared in a chorus of torturous shrieks, followed by a solo of decapitation, dismemberment, evisceration, and exsanguination.
RoBunnyBot shrieked out the shrieking. It drove her into a choking seizing fit, which jolted her out of her hallucination. Upon waking, she was both disappointed and gleeful - disappointed that she could no longer confer evil qualities to her muse, gleeful that she could still confer evil qualities to her muse.
Henceforth, whenever RoBunnyBot wearied of her muse torturing and killing and torturing and killing and torturing and killing, endlessly in series, she would fang another tale to turn him away from the Dark Side. She would pull the homunculi out of her brain and heart and inject their essence into her tale. The Worstest would be distracted by their song-and-dance numbers, and the next time that she was in danger of being killed by him, he would be whisked off to suffer in a place that was bad and wrong and false. He would suffer there, that is, until he, with a mind that was good and right and true, changed the place to match the mind. In her Tale of Triumph, The Worstest of places would battle The Bestest of minds. Naturally, The Worstest would fall to The Bestest.
Tale of TriumphTitleCharactersStatusDystopia, EuphreniaThe Bestest/All The Best
Yet More Bunny Bot Moons Later
Yet more Bunny Bot moons later, RoBunnyBot stared, wide asleep, at the blankity-blank wall. In her trance, she tranced that she was little again. To her uninterest and unexcitement, The Bestest tunneled into her trance and joined her. Like her, he was little again, so he stared, wide asleep, at the blankity-blank wall, and they completely ignored each other.
Henceforth, whenever RoBunnyBot awakened from her trance, even for a moment, she would fang some other tales about The Bestest. She would disassemble and reassemble her whole self and his whole self and inject their essence into her tales. The Bestest would be uninterested and unexcited, and the next time that she completely ignored him, he would be there to completely ignore her in turn. He would be there, that is, until he discovered that it was far more fun fun fun fun fun fun fun to play play play play play play play in her tales, persistently preoccupied with parts of objects. In her Tales of Littlety, he was no longer The Bestest. He was The Littlest.
Tales of LittletyTitleCharactersStatusAcenter AloneThe Littlest/Diana/WilliamBeautifulThe Littlest/Diana/WilliamVision and VoiceThe Littlest/Diana/William