Mission 1: The Only Thing Necessary for the Triumph of 'Sues
Rating: T/PG-13
Fandom: NCIS
A/N: The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia, who have graciously allowed others into their sandbox. I don't own anything recognizable in this story save for the characters of Ian and Lee. "The Only Thing Necessary for the Triumph of Evil" belongs to Bacardicider, who is welcome to it. NCIS and its associated characters belong to Donald Bellisario, Shane Brennan, and the other assorted bigwigs over at CBS.
~~~
[BEEEP!]
The strident tones of the console going off filled the Response Center, startling its newly-acquainted occupants.
'A mission already?' Ian asked, looking up from organizing his books on a half-filled shelf.
Lee got up from her bed, where she'd gone back to reading Thief of Time, and went over to the console, hitting the large red button to signal that the mission had been accepted. She scrolled through the first few chapters of the story, a frown forming on her face.
'What fandom is it, and how bad is it?' Ian asked, wandering over to the console to read the story for himself.
'NCIS, and from what I can tell not too bad. The first eight chapters seem okay- only a few spelling and grammatical errors to contend with, and a few other things, but-' She stopped speaking, and a soft growl escaped her.
'What's-?'
'The glauranging author turns Tony into a woobie,' Lee spat, baring her teeth in a snarl. Ian saw that Lee's canines had lengthened noticeably in an unconscious reaction to her anger, and he scooted away from her a little bit in response.
'Wait, what?' Ian scanned the text of the story. 'Tony, the man who flirts with a nurse and jokes around throughout an episode where he has the pneumonic plague? When is this set?'
'Sometime before Kate dies, so either season one or two,' Lee said, heading over to the bookcase. She grabbed both box sets of seasons one and two, tossing season one to Ian and putting season two in the satchel bag that served as her pack. Ian caught the box set and grabbed his pack, which was the more traditional backpack, and put the DVDs into it. He checked over the contents, making sure his CAD and RA were in there, as well as a bottle of Bleeprin, a couple of water bottles, some chocolate, and his exorcism kit, among other things.
'Grab a coat; the 'fic's set in winter,' Ian told Lee, shrugging on a thick jacket he pulled from his half-unpacked luggage. He swung his pack over his shoulders and adjusted the straps to be more comfortable.
'Good plan,' Lee got a pea-coat from the closet and put it on, pulling a pair of gloves out of one of its pockets and putting them on. 'Just let me button this up, and then I'll be ready to go.' She fiddled with the pea-coat's buttons, swearing softly under her breath when her gloved fingers fumbled with the fasteners. Finally, though, she finished and looked up at Ian as she slung the satchel's strap comfortably across her torso.
'Okay, let's go,' Lee said, crossing over to the console and activating the portal generator. The familiar blue portal formed in front of the blank stretch of wall to the left of the console. Ian belatedly remembered to grab a weapon- his preferred side-arm, a Sig Sauer P220, quickly strapping the thigh-holster on and then securing his gun. Lee had already gone through the portal, her own handgun concealed in its shoulder holster underneath her mid-thigh-length pea-coat. Ian followed after her, bracing himself for the mission ahead.
~~~
Lee waited for Ian in the gray space that made up the pre-story void, making sure her CAD, which she had taken out of her bag, was still stuck permanently on the "mute" setting; she had made it stick via the use of superglue and the strongest duct tape she could find. The tape was a faded blello color, but she was used to it by now. She looked up when Ian came through the portal, his own CAD still in his pack.
'Ready?' Lee asked him.
'Of course,' Ian replied. 'So, when does the story start?'
'Soon,' Lee said, quickly covering her ears with her hands. Ian wondered briefly why she did that, and was treated to the author's booming voice:
"The Only Thing Necessary For The Triumph of Evil"
The echoes slowly died away, leaving Ian's ears ringing as the story's setting formed around the two PPC agents. They were unceremoniously dumped into a snowbank, the snow luckily muffling their entry into the Word World. Ian heard Lee's soft swearing to his right, and then he felt one of her hands grab his left wrist.
'There's no time for snow angels, unfortunately,' she told him, helping him to his feet. 'The story's started. Come on, we need to follow that guy.' She jerked a thumb over her shoulder, and Ian caught sight of a man dressed in an oversized coat.
'Who is he?' Ian asked as he followed Lee down the road, making sure to stay out of sight of the man they were following.
'The Words don't say, and my CAD just says "Unidentified man. Canon/Not Canon?" It didn't even give me an OOC reading.' she told him as they walked. 'But apparently, his sneakers aren't "up to the riggers of his trek".' She pointed to the man's shoes, which seemed to be attached to ropes and pulleys that were hanging at head-height. A couple of spectral forms were attempting to pull on the free ends of the ropes, but weren't having much luck with their task.
'Well, that's a charge, right? Misspelling things?' Ian took out a notepad and a pen. He flipped the cover of the pad open and began writing the charge down as neatly as he could while walking, trying not to trip and fall as he did so.
'Yep,' Lee said. 'Oh, and don't forget to add "Cruelty to the common comma". The author really abuses it in the fourth paragraph.'
'Got it.'
The two agents continued to follow after the man, keeping a safe distance behind him.
'Hey, did the author ever say where the story's set?' Ian asked. Lee frowned, and then let her eyes slide out of focus as she focused on the Words.
'No, they didn't,' she told him, blinking and coming back to herself just in time to avoid running into a street light. 'It's just been a Generic Location so far, though I think it's probably supposed to be Washington D.C., since that's where the series mainly takes place.'
The buildings to either side of them, which, due to the author's lack of geographical description of where the story was set, had been slowly shifting through various styles of architecture, settled into Generic East Coast suburbia. As soon as the buildings had decided on being something vaguely recognizable, the setting shifted once more and solidified into Gibbs' neighborhood, thanks to the Words saying that Gibbs' house was in sight. The man Ian and Lee had been following stopped in front of Gibbs' house, looking at the four cars parked in front of it. As the two Agents watched, one of the man's arms stretched until it was able to reach the front porch, and then, arm wobbling greatly, the man managed to unscrew the bulb in the porch light. Reality, such as it was, caught up with the story and the man jerked forwards, his arm returning to its normal length just in time for the man to be standing on the now dark porch and to be able to knock on the door.
The second the man knocked, Lee and Ian were wrenched violently inside Gibbs' house, ending up sprawled awkwardly in a heap behind a couch.
'Ow,' Lee said, untangling herself from Ian and standing up. None of the canon characters had noticed the abrupt arrival of the two PPC agents, which was good. 'Let's hide somewhere so that we can see what's going on,' Lee told Ian, pulling him to his feet. 'It doesn't look like anyone's seen us, and since the canon of this 'Verse is protecting us, as long as we don't draw attention to ourselves, we'll be okay.'
Ian nodded and followed Lee to a shadowy corner of the room where they could see all of its occupants. Ducky was pacing up and down the room, talking to Gibbs.
Ian sighed softly as he read the Words and then scribbled down "apostrophe abuse" on his charge sheet. 'How far out of character are they?'
Lee turned on her CAD and pointed it at Ducky.
[Donald "Ducky" Mallard. Medical Examiner. Canon. OOC: 10.4%.]
"Well, Ducky's not too bad, at least,' Lee told Ian. 'And I'm going to hazard a guess that the rest aren't, either. It's perfectly in character for them to act like this, especially since Tony's missing.'
'That's a relief,' Ian said. 'I'm starting to wonder why- Yeesh.' He watched as "Abby and Kate looked up, giving him [Gibbs] identical quizzically looks, before dropping their heads again." The two canons' heads fell bloodlessly off their necks and bounced on the floor before floating back up and reattaching themselves to their respective bodies. It was rather interesting to watch.
Quite suddenly, the two scenes-- that of the man knocking on the door and the current one --caught up with one another.
'What's a "knocked"?' Lee sniggered before settling in to watch the action. Gibbs told McGee to get the door, and then the action escalated rapidly. McGee came back into the room with a gun against his head, held there by the unidentified man Lee and Ian had been following earlier. The man shut the main lights off, throwing the room into semi-darkness. The only sources of illumination were a couple of table lamps.
'It's "past", not "passed"!' Ian hissed, shaking his head as McGee joined the others on the couch. 'If I had a quarter for every time an author got those mixed up...' He trailed off and returned to watching the scene in front of him. The unidentified man in the shadows was talking with Gibbs, and then introduced himself as "Maggot". The Laws of Narrative Comedy chose that moment to kick in and turned the man into a large specimen of fly larvae that was dressed in a long coat and holding a gun. It wasn't pretty.
'Oh, that's not right at all,' Lee muttered, looking vaguely queasy.
'Don't look at it too often, then,' Ian replied. They watched as Maggot and Gibbs talked, Maggot thankfully turning back to human as the Words better described him, and then to Tony DiNozzo, once his true identity was revealed thanks to Gibbs pointing out who Maggot truly was. Lee sighed in relief; she wasn't sure how well she would've taken having to deal with something like that for the rest of the mission.
'Okay, newbie, I've got a question for you,' Lee said as the canons' discussion continued. 'When's the first true breach of canon? All we've got so far are some grammatical and spelling errors, and a small bit of oocness. Impress me.'
Ian focused on the Words of the story, letting the conversation between Tony and Kate fade away slightly. 'Well, in about two minutes, Gibbs will say that he's not going to make Tony go to the hospital if he doesn't want to, and Ducky's going to argue against that, but-'
'Gibbs wouldn't do that,' Lee growled. 'Read ahead and get some more charges; that's a breach of canon right there. I'll check with my CAD, just to be sure, but I think we'll be okay.'
'Hmm. It looks like there's a mini created in chapter Nine, and then there's some action later on in chapter thirteen involving one of the Big Bad's hench-people who tries to kill Tony when he's finally taken to the hospital. The best place to exorcise the whole team would be chapter fifteen, when they're all together in one place at NCIS, except for Ducky, who is, I can only assume, down in Autopsy. We can neuralize Ducky first, since he's not too out of character for the whole 'fic, thank Glod.' Ian told Lee as she pointed her CAD at Tony.
[Anthony "Tony" DiNozzo. NCIS Special Agent. Canon. OOC: 78.38% . WARNING: CHARACTER RUPTURE. Weebles wobble but they don't fall down! Meep.] The readout on the CAD said, and then the device gave off sparks and heated up dramatically. Lee dropped it to the carpet, where it smoldered briefly before fizzling and dying.
'Damn, that's the third one this week,' Lee grumbled, picking up the burnt-out CAD with the aid of an oven mitt she pulled out of her bag. She put the broken CAD into her bag, wrapping it up in her floral-print towel. 'Techno-Dann isn't going to be happy with that.'
'When is DoSAT ever happy with broken tech?' Ian replied, getting out his portal generator and fiddling with it. He opened a portal and the two agents stepped through into Autopsy at the NCIS building. The portal snapped out of existence once Lee and Ian were on the other side. Ducky was there looking over some files, as the author had forgotten to write about him, except in passing, since chapter fourteen.
'Doctor Mallard?' Lee said, clearing her throat to catch Ducky's attention. The Medical Examiner looked up from his files with a slightly confused smile on his face, as he hadn't heard the elevator announce the new arrivals.
'Can I help you with something?' Ducky asked, getting to his feet.
'Actually, it's more of how we can help you, sir.' Ian said, taking his sunglasses out of a pocket and putting them on. Lee followed his example and then raised the neuralizer she had taken out of her bag.
'If you would just look here, that would be great,' she told Ducky, who did as asked. The neuralizer flashed, and then the two agents removed their sunglasses.
'Okay, so, Doctor Mallard, you've been down here looking over the preliminary autopsy reports on some John Does that just came in. Agent DiNozzo is safe and sound upstairs in the bullpen, and he was never kidnapped by a Mexican drug cartel or hurt in any way, shape or form. He is also still his playboy and humor-laden self. In no way is he prone to extreme amounts of angst or woobieness. Oh, and we were never here. Thank you.' Ian said, and then he and Lee went out of Autopsy and into the elevator.
'Good job for your first neuralization.'
'Thanks. So, up to the bullpen?'
'Yep.'
The elevator ride was over quickly, and soon Lee and Ian found themselves standing in the bullpen. Most of Gibbs' team were at their desks, but Gibbs was nowhere to be seen. Ian looked around for the missing team leader.
'Where's Gibbs?' he asked.
'He's up there, on the balcony,' Lee said, pointing him out.
'Well, we need to get him down here.'
'Don't worry about it; he's coming down right about... now.' Lee made her way over to the team's desks, setting her bag down and rummaging around in it for the box set and chalk as Gibbs entered the bullpen and walked over to his team and forensic scientist. The mini, which had resulted from a misspelling of Abby's name, was currently sitting on Tony's desk, laughing and joking with the rest of the team.
'Damn,' Ian muttered as he grabbed the box set out of his own pack, 'We're going to have to find Abby in a plot hole, aren't we?'
'Nah; she'll just pop back into existence once we take care of the Author Wraith,' Lee told him, drawing a chalk-line from one end-cubicle to the one opposite it, making sure to be on the inside before ending the line. 'Take care of the other side, will ya?'
'Sure.' Ian circled 'round and then closed off the other side with the piece of chalk Lee had thrown him, stepping in just before he finished the line. It wasn't exactly the traditional circle, but it would do for their purposes.
Gibbs came up behind the unknowing Tony and head slapped him.
"Ow boss, what was that for?" Tony yelped.
'Well, for one thing, being such an idiotic woobie that you've made even Gibbs out of character.' said a voice to Tony's left. The NCIS agents turned to see a blonde woman, who looked to be in her mid-twenties and who was holding a box set of DVDs and wearing a pea-coat, watching them, an annoyed scowl on her heart-shaped face.
'We might as well do the exorcism first, before we start on the charges, Lee.'
The team looked the other way and saw a tall Samoan man with dreadlocks standing nearby, also dressed for cold weather, which was odd, given that it was March and therefore spring. He held a similar box set of DVDs, as well as a bell. 'Would you like to begin?'
'Yes, I would,' Lee said, striding forwards. She hit McGee, who was closest to her, over the head with the DVDs, saying, 'Out, demons of mischaracterization!'. A wisp of gray smoke escaped from his mouth, which was hanging open due to shock. She continued down the line of agents, while Ian worked his way down the other side, ringing the bell and exorcising the canons closest to him. Just after he'd gotten the bit of Author-Wraith out of her, the mini-Abby, who was called Abbey, gleefully hopped off the desk to allow her canon counterpart to appear out of thin air where the mini had been sitting.
'Okay, now for you, Agent DiNozzo,' Lee said. 'And Agent Gibbs, I'd appreciate it if you didn't try to stop us. We're trying to help your agent, not harm him.' She glanced over at Ian. 'Together, then?'
Ian nodded. 'Together.'
After a silent count of three, Ian and Lee slammed their box sets against Tony's chest and head in unison.
'Get thee behind me, demons of woobieness! In the name of Bellisario, avaunt! In the name of the genius that is Shane Brennan, leave this place, o foul beasts of mischaracterization! Get the hell out of this fandom!' Lee snarled, while Ian added his own imprecations and rang his bell. After a few repetitions of invoking canon and the creators of the NCIS 'Verse, a stream of gray smoke escaped from Tony's mouth and coalesced into a wavering, indistinct form that hovered in the center of the bullpen.
'Charge it, Ian.'
Ian cleared his throat and began reading from his charge list.
'Author Wraith, we are Agents Nahinu and Keaton of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, and we are here to charge you with crimes against the NCIS fandom. They are as follows: Cruelty to the common comma. There's other punctuation than that to be used in speech tags, as well as not using them when you really needed to during the course of your story. Changing Abby's name to Abbey, thereby creating the mini-Abby "Abbey", even though the spelling was correct for the first half of the 'fic. You don't even have the excuse of going on hiatus with the story, since you posted it all within twenty-four hours.
'Not putting the correct accent over the "n" in "Señor". A quick check online would've saved you a lot of trouble. Plus, it just looks bad, especially since Spanish is such a commonly used language. Confusing "Your" and "You're". Assuming that Gibbs would let Tony stay alone in a hospital room when he-- Gibbs --knows that there're people still out there that want to kill Tony. Please, it's basic protocol-- or at least, it probably is --not to leave a known and high-priority witness unattended, even at a supposedly "safe" place like a hospital.
'Making McGee swear a lot, even though there's not much history for it, especially in the first seasons. Yes, he does swear, but only on occasion, and not that much. Turning Tony into a woobie. This is the man who joked during his bout with the pneumonic plague and flirted with the nurses! While yes, torture is one of the most horrendous things to happen to someone, Tony's probably much stronger than that. Also, he threw off the psychological ramifications of said torture far too quickly. Mental trauma like that isn't something that's cured with a few visits to the psychologist. Which brings me to my next charge,' Here Ian took a deep breath, glad that he was getting towards the end of the lengthy charge list.
'You mixed up psychologist and physiologist. They're two totally different medical professionals, though both would probably work with Tony to help him recover. Not taking an injured person to the hospital right away when that person is visibly injured, especially when there's a competent medical professional advising you to do so. That's criminally negligent behavior, and not in character for anyone on this team, least of all Gibbs. And last but not least, mixing up "rouge" and "rogue". One is a reddish color or another name for facial cosmetics, i.e. blush, while the other is a renegade from an organization, usually a militant or fighting group. For these charges, you are hereby told to get the hell out of this fandom. Agent Keaton, if you would be so kind?'
Lee grinned and hefted the large cast iron frying pan that she had pulled from her bag while Ian had been charging the Author Wraith.
'But your so meen! It's only fanfic! I should-' the Author Wraith wailed, but whatever it was that the Author Wraith thought it should be able to do was cut off when Lee swung her frying pan at its gaseous head like a baseball bat, making sure the flat side hit first. The pan, defying the expected outcome of passing right through the Wraith, connected solidly with its head, producing a loud "thunk". With that, the Author Wraith finally dissipated and canon fully reasserted itself.
'What the hell just happened here?' Kate asked, looking lost for words.
'Ah. I believe it'll all be explained if you would just look right here,' Lee said, taking out her sunglasses and putting them on once more, Ian following her example. Lee held up the neuralizer.
'Hey, isn't that from-' Tony began, but fell silent as the bright flash wiped his memories of the past several months.
'Okay, here's how it goes,' Lee said, speaking quickly. 'Tony was never kidnapped by a Mexican drug cartel, and therefore was never injured. You've been working on cold cases for the past few days, but will hopefully be getting a new case soon. We were never here, and this never happened. Goodbye.'
The two PPC agents and the mini-Abby left the bullpen, the chalk lines Ian and Lee had made fading away into obscurity as people walked over them. Ian opened a portal back to HQ and the trio went through, landing gratefully in their Response Center.
'What are we going to do with the mini?' Ian asked, taking off his jacket and hanging it in the closet.
'Well, she could stay here, or we could take her over to the Mini Sanctuary. It's your choice; I could care less either way.' Lee told him, throwing her pea-coat over a nearby rolling desk-chair once she'd taken off her satchel and set it on the ground. She took the broken CAD out of its towel and set the piece of gadgetry on the console.
'Oh. Um, I don't know. I guess I'll have to think about it,' Ian said, watching the mini-Abby investigate her surroundings. 'I mean, I'm fine with mini-Balrogs and stuff like that, but I'm not so sure about mini-people.'
'Well, I'm sure we'll figure it out. For now, let's just let her explore. There's not much trouble she can get into around here; all the pointy objects are well out of her reach, and I've got the various poisons and acids locked up in a magically sealed cabinet.'
Lee plopped down on her bed, waking Mariposa up from a nap. The cat looked at her mistress disdainfully and then sauntered off to find a place where her rest wouldn't be disturbed. Ian took a seat on one of the rolling chairs, making sure he was far enough away from the console so that, in case it activated, he wouldn't be deafened as much by the noise than if he was right next to it. Lee returned to her book while Ian continued to watch Abbey wander around the Response Center. Life was good, albeit dangerous and always insane, but that was perfectly fine by him. After all, if the PPC didn't look after the various fandoms, then who would?
A/N 2: The mini-Abby "Abbey" has been adopted by miah_arthur. Hope you enjoyed Lee and Ian's first mission; there're more in the works!
Fandom: NCIS
A/N: The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia, who have graciously allowed others into their sandbox. I don't own anything recognizable in this story save for the characters of Ian and Lee. "The Only Thing Necessary for the Triumph of Evil" belongs to Bacardicider, who is welcome to it. NCIS and its associated characters belong to Donald Bellisario, Shane Brennan, and the other assorted bigwigs over at CBS.
~~~
[BEEEP!]
The strident tones of the console going off filled the Response Center, startling its newly-acquainted occupants.
'A mission already?' Ian asked, looking up from organizing his books on a half-filled shelf.
Lee got up from her bed, where she'd gone back to reading Thief of Time, and went over to the console, hitting the large red button to signal that the mission had been accepted. She scrolled through the first few chapters of the story, a frown forming on her face.
'What fandom is it, and how bad is it?' Ian asked, wandering over to the console to read the story for himself.
'NCIS, and from what I can tell not too bad. The first eight chapters seem okay- only a few spelling and grammatical errors to contend with, and a few other things, but-' She stopped speaking, and a soft growl escaped her.
'What's-?'
'The glauranging author turns Tony into a woobie,' Lee spat, baring her teeth in a snarl. Ian saw that Lee's canines had lengthened noticeably in an unconscious reaction to her anger, and he scooted away from her a little bit in response.
'Wait, what?' Ian scanned the text of the story. 'Tony, the man who flirts with a nurse and jokes around throughout an episode where he has the pneumonic plague? When is this set?'
'Sometime before Kate dies, so either season one or two,' Lee said, heading over to the bookcase. She grabbed both box sets of seasons one and two, tossing season one to Ian and putting season two in the satchel bag that served as her pack. Ian caught the box set and grabbed his pack, which was the more traditional backpack, and put the DVDs into it. He checked over the contents, making sure his CAD and RA were in there, as well as a bottle of Bleeprin, a couple of water bottles, some chocolate, and his exorcism kit, among other things.
'Grab a coat; the 'fic's set in winter,' Ian told Lee, shrugging on a thick jacket he pulled from his half-unpacked luggage. He swung his pack over his shoulders and adjusted the straps to be more comfortable.
'Good plan,' Lee got a pea-coat from the closet and put it on, pulling a pair of gloves out of one of its pockets and putting them on. 'Just let me button this up, and then I'll be ready to go.' She fiddled with the pea-coat's buttons, swearing softly under her breath when her gloved fingers fumbled with the fasteners. Finally, though, she finished and looked up at Ian as she slung the satchel's strap comfortably across her torso.
'Okay, let's go,' Lee said, crossing over to the console and activating the portal generator. The familiar blue portal formed in front of the blank stretch of wall to the left of the console. Ian belatedly remembered to grab a weapon- his preferred side-arm, a Sig Sauer P220, quickly strapping the thigh-holster on and then securing his gun. Lee had already gone through the portal, her own handgun concealed in its shoulder holster underneath her mid-thigh-length pea-coat. Ian followed after her, bracing himself for the mission ahead.
~~~
Lee waited for Ian in the gray space that made up the pre-story void, making sure her CAD, which she had taken out of her bag, was still stuck permanently on the "mute" setting; she had made it stick via the use of superglue and the strongest duct tape she could find. The tape was a faded blello color, but she was used to it by now. She looked up when Ian came through the portal, his own CAD still in his pack.
'Ready?' Lee asked him.
'Of course,' Ian replied. 'So, when does the story start?'
'Soon,' Lee said, quickly covering her ears with her hands. Ian wondered briefly why she did that, and was treated to the author's booming voice:
"The Only Thing Necessary For The Triumph of Evil"
The echoes slowly died away, leaving Ian's ears ringing as the story's setting formed around the two PPC agents. They were unceremoniously dumped into a snowbank, the snow luckily muffling their entry into the Word World. Ian heard Lee's soft swearing to his right, and then he felt one of her hands grab his left wrist.
'There's no time for snow angels, unfortunately,' she told him, helping him to his feet. 'The story's started. Come on, we need to follow that guy.' She jerked a thumb over her shoulder, and Ian caught sight of a man dressed in an oversized coat.
'Who is he?' Ian asked as he followed Lee down the road, making sure to stay out of sight of the man they were following.
'The Words don't say, and my CAD just says "Unidentified man. Canon/Not Canon?" It didn't even give me an OOC reading.' she told him as they walked. 'But apparently, his sneakers aren't "up to the riggers of his trek".' She pointed to the man's shoes, which seemed to be attached to ropes and pulleys that were hanging at head-height. A couple of spectral forms were attempting to pull on the free ends of the ropes, but weren't having much luck with their task.
'Well, that's a charge, right? Misspelling things?' Ian took out a notepad and a pen. He flipped the cover of the pad open and began writing the charge down as neatly as he could while walking, trying not to trip and fall as he did so.
'Yep,' Lee said. 'Oh, and don't forget to add "Cruelty to the common comma". The author really abuses it in the fourth paragraph.'
'Got it.'
The two agents continued to follow after the man, keeping a safe distance behind him.
'Hey, did the author ever say where the story's set?' Ian asked. Lee frowned, and then let her eyes slide out of focus as she focused on the Words.
'No, they didn't,' she told him, blinking and coming back to herself just in time to avoid running into a street light. 'It's just been a Generic Location so far, though I think it's probably supposed to be Washington D.C., since that's where the series mainly takes place.'
The buildings to either side of them, which, due to the author's lack of geographical description of where the story was set, had been slowly shifting through various styles of architecture, settled into Generic East Coast suburbia. As soon as the buildings had decided on being something vaguely recognizable, the setting shifted once more and solidified into Gibbs' neighborhood, thanks to the Words saying that Gibbs' house was in sight. The man Ian and Lee had been following stopped in front of Gibbs' house, looking at the four cars parked in front of it. As the two Agents watched, one of the man's arms stretched until it was able to reach the front porch, and then, arm wobbling greatly, the man managed to unscrew the bulb in the porch light. Reality, such as it was, caught up with the story and the man jerked forwards, his arm returning to its normal length just in time for the man to be standing on the now dark porch and to be able to knock on the door.
The second the man knocked, Lee and Ian were wrenched violently inside Gibbs' house, ending up sprawled awkwardly in a heap behind a couch.
'Ow,' Lee said, untangling herself from Ian and standing up. None of the canon characters had noticed the abrupt arrival of the two PPC agents, which was good. 'Let's hide somewhere so that we can see what's going on,' Lee told Ian, pulling him to his feet. 'It doesn't look like anyone's seen us, and since the canon of this 'Verse is protecting us, as long as we don't draw attention to ourselves, we'll be okay.'
Ian nodded and followed Lee to a shadowy corner of the room where they could see all of its occupants. Ducky was pacing up and down the room, talking to Gibbs.
Ian sighed softly as he read the Words and then scribbled down "apostrophe abuse" on his charge sheet. 'How far out of character are they?'
Lee turned on her CAD and pointed it at Ducky.
[Donald "Ducky" Mallard. Medical Examiner. Canon. OOC: 10.4%.]
"Well, Ducky's not too bad, at least,' Lee told Ian. 'And I'm going to hazard a guess that the rest aren't, either. It's perfectly in character for them to act like this, especially since Tony's missing.'
'That's a relief,' Ian said. 'I'm starting to wonder why- Yeesh.' He watched as "Abby and Kate looked up, giving him [Gibbs] identical quizzically looks, before dropping their heads again." The two canons' heads fell bloodlessly off their necks and bounced on the floor before floating back up and reattaching themselves to their respective bodies. It was rather interesting to watch.
Quite suddenly, the two scenes-- that of the man knocking on the door and the current one --caught up with one another.
'What's a "knocked"?' Lee sniggered before settling in to watch the action. Gibbs told McGee to get the door, and then the action escalated rapidly. McGee came back into the room with a gun against his head, held there by the unidentified man Lee and Ian had been following earlier. The man shut the main lights off, throwing the room into semi-darkness. The only sources of illumination were a couple of table lamps.
'It's "past", not "passed"!' Ian hissed, shaking his head as McGee joined the others on the couch. 'If I had a quarter for every time an author got those mixed up...' He trailed off and returned to watching the scene in front of him. The unidentified man in the shadows was talking with Gibbs, and then introduced himself as "Maggot". The Laws of Narrative Comedy chose that moment to kick in and turned the man into a large specimen of fly larvae that was dressed in a long coat and holding a gun. It wasn't pretty.
'Oh, that's not right at all,' Lee muttered, looking vaguely queasy.
'Don't look at it too often, then,' Ian replied. They watched as Maggot and Gibbs talked, Maggot thankfully turning back to human as the Words better described him, and then to Tony DiNozzo, once his true identity was revealed thanks to Gibbs pointing out who Maggot truly was. Lee sighed in relief; she wasn't sure how well she would've taken having to deal with something like that for the rest of the mission.
'Okay, newbie, I've got a question for you,' Lee said as the canons' discussion continued. 'When's the first true breach of canon? All we've got so far are some grammatical and spelling errors, and a small bit of oocness. Impress me.'
Ian focused on the Words of the story, letting the conversation between Tony and Kate fade away slightly. 'Well, in about two minutes, Gibbs will say that he's not going to make Tony go to the hospital if he doesn't want to, and Ducky's going to argue against that, but-'
'Gibbs wouldn't do that,' Lee growled. 'Read ahead and get some more charges; that's a breach of canon right there. I'll check with my CAD, just to be sure, but I think we'll be okay.'
'Hmm. It looks like there's a mini created in chapter Nine, and then there's some action later on in chapter thirteen involving one of the Big Bad's hench-people who tries to kill Tony when he's finally taken to the hospital. The best place to exorcise the whole team would be chapter fifteen, when they're all together in one place at NCIS, except for Ducky, who is, I can only assume, down in Autopsy. We can neuralize Ducky first, since he's not too out of character for the whole 'fic, thank Glod.' Ian told Lee as she pointed her CAD at Tony.
[Anthony "Tony" DiNozzo. NCIS Special Agent. Canon. OOC: 78.38% . WARNING: CHARACTER RUPTURE. Weebles wobble but they don't fall down! Meep.] The readout on the CAD said, and then the device gave off sparks and heated up dramatically. Lee dropped it to the carpet, where it smoldered briefly before fizzling and dying.
'Damn, that's the third one this week,' Lee grumbled, picking up the burnt-out CAD with the aid of an oven mitt she pulled out of her bag. She put the broken CAD into her bag, wrapping it up in her floral-print towel. 'Techno-Dann isn't going to be happy with that.'
'When is DoSAT ever happy with broken tech?' Ian replied, getting out his portal generator and fiddling with it. He opened a portal and the two agents stepped through into Autopsy at the NCIS building. The portal snapped out of existence once Lee and Ian were on the other side. Ducky was there looking over some files, as the author had forgotten to write about him, except in passing, since chapter fourteen.
'Doctor Mallard?' Lee said, clearing her throat to catch Ducky's attention. The Medical Examiner looked up from his files with a slightly confused smile on his face, as he hadn't heard the elevator announce the new arrivals.
'Can I help you with something?' Ducky asked, getting to his feet.
'Actually, it's more of how we can help you, sir.' Ian said, taking his sunglasses out of a pocket and putting them on. Lee followed his example and then raised the neuralizer she had taken out of her bag.
'If you would just look here, that would be great,' she told Ducky, who did as asked. The neuralizer flashed, and then the two agents removed their sunglasses.
'Okay, so, Doctor Mallard, you've been down here looking over the preliminary autopsy reports on some John Does that just came in. Agent DiNozzo is safe and sound upstairs in the bullpen, and he was never kidnapped by a Mexican drug cartel or hurt in any way, shape or form. He is also still his playboy and humor-laden self. In no way is he prone to extreme amounts of angst or woobieness. Oh, and we were never here. Thank you.' Ian said, and then he and Lee went out of Autopsy and into the elevator.
'Good job for your first neuralization.'
'Thanks. So, up to the bullpen?'
'Yep.'
The elevator ride was over quickly, and soon Lee and Ian found themselves standing in the bullpen. Most of Gibbs' team were at their desks, but Gibbs was nowhere to be seen. Ian looked around for the missing team leader.
'Where's Gibbs?' he asked.
'He's up there, on the balcony,' Lee said, pointing him out.
'Well, we need to get him down here.'
'Don't worry about it; he's coming down right about... now.' Lee made her way over to the team's desks, setting her bag down and rummaging around in it for the box set and chalk as Gibbs entered the bullpen and walked over to his team and forensic scientist. The mini, which had resulted from a misspelling of Abby's name, was currently sitting on Tony's desk, laughing and joking with the rest of the team.
'Damn,' Ian muttered as he grabbed the box set out of his own pack, 'We're going to have to find Abby in a plot hole, aren't we?'
'Nah; she'll just pop back into existence once we take care of the Author Wraith,' Lee told him, drawing a chalk-line from one end-cubicle to the one opposite it, making sure to be on the inside before ending the line. 'Take care of the other side, will ya?'
'Sure.' Ian circled 'round and then closed off the other side with the piece of chalk Lee had thrown him, stepping in just before he finished the line. It wasn't exactly the traditional circle, but it would do for their purposes.
Gibbs came up behind the unknowing Tony and head slapped him.
"Ow boss, what was that for?" Tony yelped.
'Well, for one thing, being such an idiotic woobie that you've made even Gibbs out of character.' said a voice to Tony's left. The NCIS agents turned to see a blonde woman, who looked to be in her mid-twenties and who was holding a box set of DVDs and wearing a pea-coat, watching them, an annoyed scowl on her heart-shaped face.
'We might as well do the exorcism first, before we start on the charges, Lee.'
The team looked the other way and saw a tall Samoan man with dreadlocks standing nearby, also dressed for cold weather, which was odd, given that it was March and therefore spring. He held a similar box set of DVDs, as well as a bell. 'Would you like to begin?'
'Yes, I would,' Lee said, striding forwards. She hit McGee, who was closest to her, over the head with the DVDs, saying, 'Out, demons of mischaracterization!'. A wisp of gray smoke escaped from his mouth, which was hanging open due to shock. She continued down the line of agents, while Ian worked his way down the other side, ringing the bell and exorcising the canons closest to him. Just after he'd gotten the bit of Author-Wraith out of her, the mini-Abby, who was called Abbey, gleefully hopped off the desk to allow her canon counterpart to appear out of thin air where the mini had been sitting.
'Okay, now for you, Agent DiNozzo,' Lee said. 'And Agent Gibbs, I'd appreciate it if you didn't try to stop us. We're trying to help your agent, not harm him.' She glanced over at Ian. 'Together, then?'
Ian nodded. 'Together.'
After a silent count of three, Ian and Lee slammed their box sets against Tony's chest and head in unison.
'Get thee behind me, demons of woobieness! In the name of Bellisario, avaunt! In the name of the genius that is Shane Brennan, leave this place, o foul beasts of mischaracterization! Get the hell out of this fandom!' Lee snarled, while Ian added his own imprecations and rang his bell. After a few repetitions of invoking canon and the creators of the NCIS 'Verse, a stream of gray smoke escaped from Tony's mouth and coalesced into a wavering, indistinct form that hovered in the center of the bullpen.
'Charge it, Ian.'
Ian cleared his throat and began reading from his charge list.
'Author Wraith, we are Agents Nahinu and Keaton of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, and we are here to charge you with crimes against the NCIS fandom. They are as follows: Cruelty to the common comma. There's other punctuation than that to be used in speech tags, as well as not using them when you really needed to during the course of your story. Changing Abby's name to Abbey, thereby creating the mini-Abby "Abbey", even though the spelling was correct for the first half of the 'fic. You don't even have the excuse of going on hiatus with the story, since you posted it all within twenty-four hours.
'Not putting the correct accent over the "n" in "Señor". A quick check online would've saved you a lot of trouble. Plus, it just looks bad, especially since Spanish is such a commonly used language. Confusing "Your" and "You're". Assuming that Gibbs would let Tony stay alone in a hospital room when he-- Gibbs --knows that there're people still out there that want to kill Tony. Please, it's basic protocol-- or at least, it probably is --not to leave a known and high-priority witness unattended, even at a supposedly "safe" place like a hospital.
'Making McGee swear a lot, even though there's not much history for it, especially in the first seasons. Yes, he does swear, but only on occasion, and not that much. Turning Tony into a woobie. This is the man who joked during his bout with the pneumonic plague and flirted with the nurses! While yes, torture is one of the most horrendous things to happen to someone, Tony's probably much stronger than that. Also, he threw off the psychological ramifications of said torture far too quickly. Mental trauma like that isn't something that's cured with a few visits to the psychologist. Which brings me to my next charge,' Here Ian took a deep breath, glad that he was getting towards the end of the lengthy charge list.
'You mixed up psychologist and physiologist. They're two totally different medical professionals, though both would probably work with Tony to help him recover. Not taking an injured person to the hospital right away when that person is visibly injured, especially when there's a competent medical professional advising you to do so. That's criminally negligent behavior, and not in character for anyone on this team, least of all Gibbs. And last but not least, mixing up "rouge" and "rogue". One is a reddish color or another name for facial cosmetics, i.e. blush, while the other is a renegade from an organization, usually a militant or fighting group. For these charges, you are hereby told to get the hell out of this fandom. Agent Keaton, if you would be so kind?'
Lee grinned and hefted the large cast iron frying pan that she had pulled from her bag while Ian had been charging the Author Wraith.
'But your so meen! It's only fanfic! I should-' the Author Wraith wailed, but whatever it was that the Author Wraith thought it should be able to do was cut off when Lee swung her frying pan at its gaseous head like a baseball bat, making sure the flat side hit first. The pan, defying the expected outcome of passing right through the Wraith, connected solidly with its head, producing a loud "thunk". With that, the Author Wraith finally dissipated and canon fully reasserted itself.
'What the hell just happened here?' Kate asked, looking lost for words.
'Ah. I believe it'll all be explained if you would just look right here,' Lee said, taking out her sunglasses and putting them on once more, Ian following her example. Lee held up the neuralizer.
'Hey, isn't that from-' Tony began, but fell silent as the bright flash wiped his memories of the past several months.
'Okay, here's how it goes,' Lee said, speaking quickly. 'Tony was never kidnapped by a Mexican drug cartel, and therefore was never injured. You've been working on cold cases for the past few days, but will hopefully be getting a new case soon. We were never here, and this never happened. Goodbye.'
The two PPC agents and the mini-Abby left the bullpen, the chalk lines Ian and Lee had made fading away into obscurity as people walked over them. Ian opened a portal back to HQ and the trio went through, landing gratefully in their Response Center.
'What are we going to do with the mini?' Ian asked, taking off his jacket and hanging it in the closet.
'Well, she could stay here, or we could take her over to the Mini Sanctuary. It's your choice; I could care less either way.' Lee told him, throwing her pea-coat over a nearby rolling desk-chair once she'd taken off her satchel and set it on the ground. She took the broken CAD out of its towel and set the piece of gadgetry on the console.
'Oh. Um, I don't know. I guess I'll have to think about it,' Ian said, watching the mini-Abby investigate her surroundings. 'I mean, I'm fine with mini-Balrogs and stuff like that, but I'm not so sure about mini-people.'
'Well, I'm sure we'll figure it out. For now, let's just let her explore. There's not much trouble she can get into around here; all the pointy objects are well out of her reach, and I've got the various poisons and acids locked up in a magically sealed cabinet.'
Lee plopped down on her bed, waking Mariposa up from a nap. The cat looked at her mistress disdainfully and then sauntered off to find a place where her rest wouldn't be disturbed. Ian took a seat on one of the rolling chairs, making sure he was far enough away from the console so that, in case it activated, he wouldn't be deafened as much by the noise than if he was right next to it. Lee returned to her book while Ian continued to watch Abbey wander around the Response Center. Life was good, albeit dangerous and always insane, but that was perfectly fine by him. After all, if the PPC didn't look after the various fandoms, then who would?
A/N 2: The mini-Abby "Abbey" has been adopted by miah_arthur. Hope you enjoyed Lee and Ian's first mission; there're more in the works!