Mission 2: Along Came Ruby-Sue
Rating: T/PG-13
Fandom: CSI:
Notes: Thanks to IndeMaat for the beta help!
[[A/N: The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia, who have graciously allowed others into their sandbox. I don't own anything recognizable in this story save for the characters of Ian and Lee. "Along Came Ruby" belongs to Avery Blaire, who is more than welcome to it; quotes from the 'fic are in italics. CSI and its associated characters belong to Anthony E. Zuiker and Jerry Bruckheimer, and the other assorted bigwigs over at CBS.]]
'Lee, you can't just go blowing things up just because you feel like it. We're not DOGA!'
'It was a near-sentient house. It needed to die, Ian.'
'That's no excuse for doing it. It would've disappeared the moment canon was restored.'
Agents Ian Nahinu and Amelia Keaton were walking through the halls of the PPC, coming back from an hour-long dressing-down by the Sunflower Official. They passed several other agents as they argued, neither truly paying attention to where they were going. Given that this was the accepted method of actually getting to one's intended destination, it wasn't all that unusual, but the various flailing motions that Lee was making had caused more than one agent to hastily duck out of the way.
Ian and Lee had just come off a mission where, thanks to a missing apostrophe, a semi-sentient house had tried to attack the two PPC agents halfway through the story they'd been taking care of. They'd escaped courtesy their portal generator and a quick application of C4 thrown through a hastily closing portal. Their argument lasted until Lee ran face first into the door of their Response Center.
'Flaming Denethor in an urple tutu!' Lee swore, rubbing at her nose. 'Stupid door.'
'Well, you should've kept an eye out for it, Lee,' Ian said, opening the door for his partner. 'It doesn't matter, anyways. We've got reports to file and-'
[BEEEEEP!]
'Of course,' Lee grumbled, making her way over to the console and hitting the acceptance button once she'd reached the large machine. Ian watched as Lee read the first chapter of the fic, closing the door behind him just in time to keep most of his partner's sudden deluge of profanities from spilling out into the hallway.
'What the glauranging hell is this author on?' Lee shouted, staring at the screen with murder in her eyes. 'That's not- I mean- The sharding foster care system doesn't work that way! There's months and months of red tape and hearings and-' She suddenly fell silent, her eyes narrowing in intense anger.
'Lee?' Ian asked cautiously, not wanting to get too close to his partner lest she suddenly strike out at him. 'Are you okay?'
'I will be once this Rendain-cursed 'Sue is lying dead in the middle of the Mojave Desert. Or worse.'
'I don't think I've ever heard of Rendain. What continuum is that deity from?'
'Mine. He's the ruler of the Sixth Sphere, which is the hell in the Elementalist philosophy. Not someone you'd want to meet, even in broad daylight.' Lee informed him, getting her nine millimeter out of the weapons rack, putting on the shoulder holster the gun went in, and then securing the gun in the holster.
'What’d she do that's so bad you'd wish that on- Oh.' Ian had crossed the room and read the first chapter. 'I see. You've got a registered LO in the CSI: 'Verse, then?'
Lee nodded. 'Hodges. And look at what she does to his character. It's Glod-awful.'
Ian looked up from the monitor. 'Hodges? I never would've guessed. Most people go for the main characters.'
Lee shrugged and then handed Ian his pack, putting her own on after she had done so. 'I tend to go for side characters,' she said. 'They don't usually get messed with too much, or are ignored entirely by 'Sues, so I'm not particularly in much danger of going completely stark-raving mad every time someone messes with a fandom I've got an LO in. Besides, it's more fun not having to share with five million other people.'
'I see,' Ian made sure his the weight of his pack was evenly distributed and then checked that his switchblade was safely secured in its holder on his belt. 'Will we need disguises for this one?'
'Yeah, but only as Generic Background Characters. There aren't many settings that 're actually described in the story, so we won't have to worry about having specific disguises.'
'Well, that's settled, then,' Ian said with a brief smile. 'Let's go kill a 'Sue.'
'Yes,' Lee replied with a predatory grin as she opened a portal into the beginning of the fic. 'Let's.'
--
They stepped into the fic and were instantly acoustically assaulted by the author's note.
*Pardon my spelling and grammar!*
Ch.1
'My ears! And no, I won't be pardoning your grammar, thanks ever so much.' Lee told the gray Generic Surroundings, lowering her hands from her ears. Ian, who was fishing his CAD out of his pack, agreed heartily. He grabbed the CAD and then put his pack back on just in time for the vague setting to form around him and Lee.
The scene of the crime a seedy apartment building neighbours heard gun shots and called the police the team found a women maybe late twenties shot twice threw her heart dead and completely bleeding out on a bed. the culprit as usual gone, but the found some prints on the women's shirts. Wendy was ordered to look around the room for anything suspicious and decided to look under the bed. Her eyes then met the eyes of a tiny little girls who's face was stained with tears and who looked utterly frightened.
Ian and Lee quickly ducked behind a Generic Furniture piece-- it looked like it wanted to eventually be a loveseat --and out of the 'Sue's sight.
'You want to write the charges this time?' Ian asked, pulling out a notepad and pen, reading the Words as he did so.
'Yes, please,' Lee replied. 'I've got an idea for her death already.'
Ian glanced at her, feeling vaguely worried about his partner's mental health. Of course, that was always a permanent worry, given the nature of their job, but it always made him a little apprehensive when Lee got that predatory look about her. It really drove home the fact that she wasn't entirely human, nor from World One. He handed her the pen and notepad, reading the Words.
'Um, we're going to have to move soon. They're getting into a police car. Inside the house, as a matter of fact, since the author didn't say they left the house to get into the car.'
'What? Crap. We're going to have to portal to the lab, aren't we?' Lee asked.
'Yep,' Ian said, taking out the portal generator, and then setting it aside. 'I'm going to take a quick reading of Wendy before we do, though.' He peeked around the almost-loveseat and pointed the CAD at the DNA tech, making sure the device was on mute before ducking back behind the piece of furniture.
[Wendy Simms. DNA Technician. Canon. OOC: 34.7%.]
'Hmm. Thirty-four point seven percent out of character.' Ian told Lee, putting the CAD in his pocket. 'We'll have to get the charges that the 'Sue accrues during the "drive" from the house to the lab from the Words and- oh, good Glod, what are you doing?'
Lee had stuck a finger in a nearby blood pool and was currently sniffing at the blood on her finger. To Ian's astonishment, Lee licked her finger.
'Hmm. Karo syrup and red food coloring,' she murmured, and then looked up to see Ian's surprised expression. 'What? I wanted to see how much the 'Sue had warped the 'Verse. I’ve found that in the CSI 'Verses, I can usually gauge how warped canon is by how real the blood is. I've even come across one where it was just Kool-Aid thickened with corn starch.'
'That is seriously disgusting,' Ian said, opening the portal to the CSI labs. 'Come on; we'd better get going.'
Lee shrugged and went through the portal, her Random Background Character disguise adding a white lab coat to its repertoire as she emerged into an empty lab. Ian followed after her, the portal snapping out of existence the moment he came out on the other side. As soon as both agents were through, the author's voice boomed out around them.
AT THE OFFICE
'Damn it, I really wish she'd stop doing that,' Ian said, lowering his hands from his ears.
'I kn-' Lee stopped mid-sentence. 'Come on. We've got to get to Trace,' she continued on after reading ahead in the Words. 'They've apparently come out of interrogation, though I don't know why they'd take her in there, since she's a kid and all.' Lee frowned, trailing off once more before shaking her head and speaking once more.
'Somehow,' (this was said with the utmost sarcasm) 'the pweacious wittle Ruby-- gag me with a spoon --already knew where Brass' office was and was able to pick out the UNSUB's photo.'
'UNSUB?'
'It's from the Criminal Minds 'Verse. Unknown Subject, AKA, the Big Bad.'
'Oh.'
Ian and Lee hurried over to the Trace lab, slowing down once they neared it. They hung around outside the lab, listening to Hodges, Wendy, and Ruby interact. Lee surreptitiously got out her CAD and pointed it at Hodges through the window.
[David Hodges. Trace Technician. Canon. OOC: 54.7% and rising. WARNING: Imminent Character Rupture!]
The CAD beeped loudly, and Lee had to duck down to avoid the 'Sue seeing her as she fiddled with the CAD's mute button. The device shut up after a long and protracted [BEEEP!], and the two agents breathed a sigh of relief.
'Maybe it'd be better to- Oh crap, we've got to move!' Ian grabbed Lee's hand, pulling her upright and propelling her into a nearby lab. It was empty, though Ian could've sworn that it should've been being used by Henry, who was suspiciously absent. Wendy and the 'Sue passed by outside while Ian and Lee pretended to be looking over something on the computer.
'She's gone,' Ian said, breathing a sigh of relief. 'And-'
Suddenly, the two agents were wrenched from the lab and deposited in what they could only assume was Wendy's house, though it was fuzzy and grey, since the author had neglected to describe it even a little bit. Ian and Lee were unceremoniously dumped onto the floor, the temporal-spatial shift making both feel nauseous and light-headed. Lee lay there for a minute, trying to regain her equilibrium, while Ian managed to stand up and figure out what was going on. Wendy was sitting cross-legged nearby, floating in midair at around four feet off the Generic Surface that made up the ground. She was talking to Hodges on the phone, whose disembodied voice boomed around the ill-defined space every time he spoke.
"So you found the kid some nice foster parents?"
"yep"
"Yeah a nice alcoholic and his skanky little wife?"
"uh, nope"
'Of course she didn't, you idiot,' Lee grumbled as she picked herself up off the unforgivingly hard floor. 'Why the hell would she do that? And for Glod's sake, where the hell are the periods in this 'fic?'
'For that matter, why would Wendy be tasked with finding a foster home for Ruby?' Ian said, making sure to write down "introducing incorrect adoption/fostering procedures" on the charge list.
'She wouldn't even be given the 'Sue to take care of,' Lee told him. 'You and I both know that's not how the American foster care system works. Gods, I wish this wasn't just the first chapter.'
"Nope? you found a honest to goodness foster home for her?"
"yes...me"
"You!"
'No, not her!'
'Lee, this isn't an MST...'
'Sorry. Wait, no, I'm not,' Lee scowled and crossed her arms over her chest. 'This author clearly didn't do the research that would've taken maybe all of ten minutes to do. Hell, even the info on Wikipedia would've worked.'
'I thought you hated Wikipedia,' Ian said, raising an eyebrow. 'In fact, I distinctly remember you saying it was "mostly a pit of misinformation and shoddy research".'
'It still would've been better than this piece of gos se.'
Meanwhile, Hodges and Wendy continued on with their poorly formatted banter, and the two PPC agents half-heartedly listened until Hodges asked something that made Ian and Lee highly confused.
"so you're going to keep for how long"
'Wait, what?' Ian momentarily tilted his head to one side in confusion. 'Keep what? The way that's worded, it makes it sound like Hodges just asked how long Wendy would keep, like how long she would stay fresh in the fridge.'
'And that, my friend, is why people need betas.'
"I don't know, are you jealous?" she laughed
'Given that Ruby's a six-year-old 'Sue, I should hope not.' Lee scowled darkly as the chapter finally ended and faded to black, leaving her and Ian in the dark for a brief time before the second chapter started up, the author's voice booming out once more and deafening the two agents.
*Pardon my spelling and grammer!*
* Reviewers thanks for the nice comments!*
LATER THAT NIGHT
Ian sighed as the fuzzy setting of Wendy's bedroom formed once more around him and Lee. They watched from the other side of the room as Wendy was woken by Ruby, who'd had a nightmare. Wendy explained what caused nightmares to happen in an altogether clinical way, and Ruby actually understood the mildly complex explanation.
The charge sheet was starting to get longer and longer by the minute, and Lee was starting to look more and more homicidal as time went on. Finally, though, Wendy got Ruby back into bed with the promise of shopping the next day before Wendy had to go into work.
'Do you want to stay for the shopping?' Ian asked after a sudden time-shift brought them into the morning.
'Gods, no. Let's portal ahead to when Hodges and Wendy get home from work,' Lee replied, shaking her head. 'I'm starting to get a headache from all this horrible formatting.'
'I know what you mean. Here, have some Bleeprin.' Ian fished the bottle out of his pack and gave it to Lee before fishing out his portal generator and activating it. The portal showed Wendy's apartment, but later in the day, when Lindsay Willows was baby-sitting Ruby.
'We can wait here 'til Wendy and Hodges get here, which should be in a few minutes,' he continued on, stepping through the portal. Lee followed after him, washing the two Bleeprin tablets down with a couple of sips from her water bottle. They waited for about ten minutes until the fuzzy front door of Wendy's apartment opened, allowing Wendy and Hodges to come in.
"Ruby" Wendy called as she enter the apartment with Hodges, the kitchen and family room where empty
"Lindsay kidnapped her" Hodges whispered in Wendy's ear she smirked then elbowed him
"Okay CSI Hodges what do we do?" she asked sarcastically
"bedroom, or bathroom?"
'Oh, dear Eru,' Lee breathed, trying to keep her composure as she and Ian followed behind the two lab techs. Somehow, Ruby had managed to duct tape Lindsay to the toilet, which should've been impossible, given the two girls' disproportionate sizes and strengths. Thankfully, the toilet lid was closed, but Lindsay certainly did not look happy. Wendy and Hodges quickly freed Lindsay, paying her extra for her troubles. Lindsay left soon after that; Ian noticed that the young woman's eyes were mildly glazed from being in the presence of the 'Sue for so long. He looked at Hodges and Wendy and noticed the same vaguely unfocused looks gracing their faces, even as they supposedly playfully interacted with Ruby, who had been "playing" with Lindsay, and then settled down to watch some episodes of Astro Quest.
Lee could literally smell the contrived and sickening fluff; the scent was very much like that of burnt cotton candy. It slowly faded as the chapter ended and the next one began. Ian scanned ahead, looking thoughtful.
'I think we can skip this chapter,' he said to Lee, who had been attempting to hold her breath in order to escape the smell of the fluff. 'It doesn't look like there's much going on here, unless you really want to tag along for the first day of first grade?'
'What? Ugh, no, I don't. Let's portal to the next chapter, then. That looks like a good place to stop this 'Sue once and for all,' Lee replied, taking a deep breath and then shaking her head. 'I need to sleep.'
'Mm,' Ian shrugged and opened a portal to the CSI labs once more, timing it so that he and Lee arrived just as Lindsay and Ruby came into the labs. 'Ready to do this?' he asked Lee as they watched Greg, Sara, Catherine, Hodges, and Wendy all interact with Ruby.
'I've been ready since this travesty of a story started,' Lee told him, her voice dangerously calm. She strode forward, heading toward the group of CSIs and lab techs.
"Hey Greg!"
"Ruby!" he came over picked Ruby up off Lindsay's back and swung her up and hung her upside down, Ruby erupted in giggles
"Thanks" Lindsay smiled at Greg
"No Problem" he whispered back "Where to your highness?"
"Wendy!" then he picked her back up and slung her over his shoulder, Ruby loving attention in her complete heaven
"You found you're posse didn't you?" Wendy mused
"Yes" Greg bought Ruby to the front and held her "found the criminal?"
'No, they haven't, but we need to talk with Miss Ruby here,' said a voice from the back of the small crowd that had followed Greg. The CSIs turned around to see what they thought to be two lab techs, one holding a thick notepad in one of her hands.
'Why do you need to talk to Ruby?' Hodges asked, sounding vaguely like his usual self.
'We're here on behalf of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum,' Lee said with a terse smile and a far too calm tone of voice, 'and we have a few things we really need to speak with her about.'
'The what of the what?'
'Just trust me on this one,' Ian said, giving Lee a nervous glance. 'She's a little stressed right now...'
Ruby pushed forward to the front of the crowd.
'I'm Ruby' she said, sounding fearless. 'What do you want to say to me?'
'Ian, snag her for me, would you?'
Ian moved quickly and grabbed hold of Ruby, making sure the small 'Sue couldn't get away. Hodges and Wendy made vague protesting noises, but as they were at the back of the group of CSIs and techs, there wasn't much they could do. Lee led Ian and Ruby into a nearby office that was unoccupied, closing and locking the door behind them so that the charging wouldn't be interrupted by any canons looking to see where Ruby had gotten off to.
'Right,' Lee said, flipping to the front of her notebook and clearing her throat once they all were situated, 'Ahem. Ruby Lewis, AKA Mary Sue, we are Agents Keaton and Nahinu of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, and you are hereby charged with the following items: Being a Mary Sue. Punctuation abuse, along with horrendous grammar, spelling, capitalization, and sentence structure. Sending Wendy out as a CSI; it's more likely that Hodges would've been sent, since he's got more experience and has been sent out before. Making Wendy a "women" multiple times. Being able to comprehend things that aren't normally age-appropriate for a six-year old. For example: "Special Friends", the hows and whys of dreams, Bipolar Disorder, etc. Having Wendy be able to automatically become a foster parent, especially when it a) takes months to get the approval of the CPS to be a foster parent, and b) the CPS would've put you in State-approved custody rather than someone that hadn't been vetted intensively by their investigators.
'Coming to see Wendy as a mother-figure far too quickly. Having Hodges and Wendy in an established relationship in 2009, especially since the story isn't marked "AU" and they haven't even come close to figuring out if they want to be in a relationship with one another. Turning yourself into "Rudy", and thereby causing a momentary gender-switch. Mixing up various words with their near and actual homonyms. Turning yourself into animate dresses. Duct taping a high schooler to a thankfully closed toilet. This should be physically impossible for a six year old.
'Having to be enrolled in a school if you're already in first grade. Having far too advanced of a vocabulary. Having a car seat instead of a booster seat. Various temporal/spatial jumps and lack of description of the settings throughout this 'fic. Messing with the characterization of damn near everyone and turning them into puddles of moosh for you to merrily skip through. Leaving out Langston and several other key characters, including Nick, Doc Robbins, Henry, Archie, and various others. Having Lindsay be able to basically skip classes during junior year of high school. Also, not concretely describing when the 'fic is taking place- summer, winter, etc. Oh, and greatly annoying and pissing off two sleep-deprived PPC agents. Do you have any last, non-annoying words before my partner shuts you up?'
'But I wanna stay with Wendy She's gonna be my new mommy' Ruby wailed. Ian grimaced and managed to gag Ruby via the simple application of his hand to her mouth. She tried to bite him, but didn't succeed. Lee opened a portal and motioned for Ian to throw Ruby through. He did so, catching a glimpse of an abandoned warehouse that he vaguely recognized being the one blown up by Walter Gordon in the penultimate episode of Season Five. The portal snapped shut just as the warehouse blew up and obliterated Ruby, as she had been at Ground Zero of the blast.
Back in the lab, the CSIs and lab techs milled around, looking confused now that canon had been restored.
'What's going on?' Hodges muttered, feeling as if his head was filled with cotton batting.
'I have no idea,' Lindsay replied, a dazed look on her face. 'Why am I not at school? I've got tests and stuff to do. Crap!'
'Excuse me, but if you look over here, all your questions will be answered.' said a nearby voice. The assembled canons looked as one towards the voice, and were then momentarily blinded by a bright flash.
'Okay, so you all have been working on some new cases that've just come in,' Lee told them, pocketing the neuralizer and taking off her sunglasses. 'Well, except for you, Lindsay. You've been at school.' With that, Lindsay disappeared, returning back to where she should've been the whole time.
'Everyone else, disperse to your labs; you'll find the information about the cases there. There has never been a young girl named Ruby in your lives at any time in the past few months, and Wendy never fostered her, nor are she and Hodges in a concrete relationship.' She focused on the two lab rats. 'You two have an unresolved sexual tension between you, but you're not sure what to do with it, and are therefore often awkward around one another. You both channel that awkwardness into sarcastic, geeky bantering between one another, but are slowly becoming good friends, and perhaps even more, though not right now. You have never seen us. You may go now.'
The canons returned to their normal labs, though there was still the problem of the canons that had been entirely ignored by the Ruby-Sue. Ian and Lee eventually found them in a plot hole that was lurking in the Ballistics lab. It took a while to get everyone out and then neuralized; the two PPC agents had to enlist the help of a few of the already freed canons to get some of the bulkier canons, like Langston and Doc Robbins, out of the deep plot hole. Eventually, though, everyone was back in their rightful place and Lee and Ian were able to go back to HQ.
Lee sighed happily as the portal winked out of existence, throwing her bag to the ground and immediately Shifting to her cougar form.
'Get some rest, Lee,' Ian said, shucking off his shoes and clambering up to his bunk. Lee growled softly in response and curled up on her bed, burrowing under the nest of pillows and blankets in its center. Ian leaned against the wall, picked up a nearby cross-stitch project that had been set on a small shelf attached to one of the guard-rails of the bed itself, and began to work, listening to the ambient noises of the Response Center. He was glad to be home.
Of course, this idyllic scenario lasted only about twenty minutes before...
[BEEEEEEEP!]
Fandom: CSI:
Notes: Thanks to IndeMaat for the beta help!
[[A/N: The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia, who have graciously allowed others into their sandbox. I don't own anything recognizable in this story save for the characters of Ian and Lee. "Along Came Ruby" belongs to Avery Blaire, who is more than welcome to it; quotes from the 'fic are in italics. CSI and its associated characters belong to Anthony E. Zuiker and Jerry Bruckheimer, and the other assorted bigwigs over at CBS.]]
'Lee, you can't just go blowing things up just because you feel like it. We're not DOGA!'
'It was a near-sentient house. It needed to die, Ian.'
'That's no excuse for doing it. It would've disappeared the moment canon was restored.'
Agents Ian Nahinu and Amelia Keaton were walking through the halls of the PPC, coming back from an hour-long dressing-down by the Sunflower Official. They passed several other agents as they argued, neither truly paying attention to where they were going. Given that this was the accepted method of actually getting to one's intended destination, it wasn't all that unusual, but the various flailing motions that Lee was making had caused more than one agent to hastily duck out of the way.
Ian and Lee had just come off a mission where, thanks to a missing apostrophe, a semi-sentient house had tried to attack the two PPC agents halfway through the story they'd been taking care of. They'd escaped courtesy their portal generator and a quick application of C4 thrown through a hastily closing portal. Their argument lasted until Lee ran face first into the door of their Response Center.
'Flaming Denethor in an urple tutu!' Lee swore, rubbing at her nose. 'Stupid door.'
'Well, you should've kept an eye out for it, Lee,' Ian said, opening the door for his partner. 'It doesn't matter, anyways. We've got reports to file and-'
[BEEEEEP!]
'Of course,' Lee grumbled, making her way over to the console and hitting the acceptance button once she'd reached the large machine. Ian watched as Lee read the first chapter of the fic, closing the door behind him just in time to keep most of his partner's sudden deluge of profanities from spilling out into the hallway.
'What the glauranging hell is this author on?' Lee shouted, staring at the screen with murder in her eyes. 'That's not- I mean- The sharding foster care system doesn't work that way! There's months and months of red tape and hearings and-' She suddenly fell silent, her eyes narrowing in intense anger.
'Lee?' Ian asked cautiously, not wanting to get too close to his partner lest she suddenly strike out at him. 'Are you okay?'
'I will be once this Rendain-cursed 'Sue is lying dead in the middle of the Mojave Desert. Or worse.'
'I don't think I've ever heard of Rendain. What continuum is that deity from?'
'Mine. He's the ruler of the Sixth Sphere, which is the hell in the Elementalist philosophy. Not someone you'd want to meet, even in broad daylight.' Lee informed him, getting her nine millimeter out of the weapons rack, putting on the shoulder holster the gun went in, and then securing the gun in the holster.
'What’d she do that's so bad you'd wish that on- Oh.' Ian had crossed the room and read the first chapter. 'I see. You've got a registered LO in the CSI: 'Verse, then?'
Lee nodded. 'Hodges. And look at what she does to his character. It's Glod-awful.'
Ian looked up from the monitor. 'Hodges? I never would've guessed. Most people go for the main characters.'
Lee shrugged and then handed Ian his pack, putting her own on after she had done so. 'I tend to go for side characters,' she said. 'They don't usually get messed with too much, or are ignored entirely by 'Sues, so I'm not particularly in much danger of going completely stark-raving mad every time someone messes with a fandom I've got an LO in. Besides, it's more fun not having to share with five million other people.'
'I see,' Ian made sure his the weight of his pack was evenly distributed and then checked that his switchblade was safely secured in its holder on his belt. 'Will we need disguises for this one?'
'Yeah, but only as Generic Background Characters. There aren't many settings that 're actually described in the story, so we won't have to worry about having specific disguises.'
'Well, that's settled, then,' Ian said with a brief smile. 'Let's go kill a 'Sue.'
'Yes,' Lee replied with a predatory grin as she opened a portal into the beginning of the fic. 'Let's.'
--
They stepped into the fic and were instantly acoustically assaulted by the author's note.
*Pardon my spelling and grammar!*
Ch.1
'My ears! And no, I won't be pardoning your grammar, thanks ever so much.' Lee told the gray Generic Surroundings, lowering her hands from her ears. Ian, who was fishing his CAD out of his pack, agreed heartily. He grabbed the CAD and then put his pack back on just in time for the vague setting to form around him and Lee.
The scene of the crime a seedy apartment building neighbours heard gun shots and called the police the team found a women maybe late twenties shot twice threw her heart dead and completely bleeding out on a bed. the culprit as usual gone, but the found some prints on the women's shirts. Wendy was ordered to look around the room for anything suspicious and decided to look under the bed. Her eyes then met the eyes of a tiny little girls who's face was stained with tears and who looked utterly frightened.
Ian and Lee quickly ducked behind a Generic Furniture piece-- it looked like it wanted to eventually be a loveseat --and out of the 'Sue's sight.
'You want to write the charges this time?' Ian asked, pulling out a notepad and pen, reading the Words as he did so.
'Yes, please,' Lee replied. 'I've got an idea for her death already.'
Ian glanced at her, feeling vaguely worried about his partner's mental health. Of course, that was always a permanent worry, given the nature of their job, but it always made him a little apprehensive when Lee got that predatory look about her. It really drove home the fact that she wasn't entirely human, nor from World One. He handed her the pen and notepad, reading the Words.
'Um, we're going to have to move soon. They're getting into a police car. Inside the house, as a matter of fact, since the author didn't say they left the house to get into the car.'
'What? Crap. We're going to have to portal to the lab, aren't we?' Lee asked.
'Yep,' Ian said, taking out the portal generator, and then setting it aside. 'I'm going to take a quick reading of Wendy before we do, though.' He peeked around the almost-loveseat and pointed the CAD at the DNA tech, making sure the device was on mute before ducking back behind the piece of furniture.
[Wendy Simms. DNA Technician. Canon. OOC: 34.7%.]
'Hmm. Thirty-four point seven percent out of character.' Ian told Lee, putting the CAD in his pocket. 'We'll have to get the charges that the 'Sue accrues during the "drive" from the house to the lab from the Words and- oh, good Glod, what are you doing?'
Lee had stuck a finger in a nearby blood pool and was currently sniffing at the blood on her finger. To Ian's astonishment, Lee licked her finger.
'Hmm. Karo syrup and red food coloring,' she murmured, and then looked up to see Ian's surprised expression. 'What? I wanted to see how much the 'Sue had warped the 'Verse. I’ve found that in the CSI 'Verses, I can usually gauge how warped canon is by how real the blood is. I've even come across one where it was just Kool-Aid thickened with corn starch.'
'That is seriously disgusting,' Ian said, opening the portal to the CSI labs. 'Come on; we'd better get going.'
Lee shrugged and went through the portal, her Random Background Character disguise adding a white lab coat to its repertoire as she emerged into an empty lab. Ian followed after her, the portal snapping out of existence the moment he came out on the other side. As soon as both agents were through, the author's voice boomed out around them.
AT THE OFFICE
'Damn it, I really wish she'd stop doing that,' Ian said, lowering his hands from his ears.
'I kn-' Lee stopped mid-sentence. 'Come on. We've got to get to Trace,' she continued on after reading ahead in the Words. 'They've apparently come out of interrogation, though I don't know why they'd take her in there, since she's a kid and all.' Lee frowned, trailing off once more before shaking her head and speaking once more.
'Somehow,' (this was said with the utmost sarcasm) 'the pweacious wittle Ruby-- gag me with a spoon --already knew where Brass' office was and was able to pick out the UNSUB's photo.'
'UNSUB?'
'It's from the Criminal Minds 'Verse. Unknown Subject, AKA, the Big Bad.'
'Oh.'
Ian and Lee hurried over to the Trace lab, slowing down once they neared it. They hung around outside the lab, listening to Hodges, Wendy, and Ruby interact. Lee surreptitiously got out her CAD and pointed it at Hodges through the window.
[David Hodges. Trace Technician. Canon. OOC: 54.7% and rising. WARNING: Imminent Character Rupture!]
The CAD beeped loudly, and Lee had to duck down to avoid the 'Sue seeing her as she fiddled with the CAD's mute button. The device shut up after a long and protracted [BEEEP!], and the two agents breathed a sigh of relief.
'Maybe it'd be better to- Oh crap, we've got to move!' Ian grabbed Lee's hand, pulling her upright and propelling her into a nearby lab. It was empty, though Ian could've sworn that it should've been being used by Henry, who was suspiciously absent. Wendy and the 'Sue passed by outside while Ian and Lee pretended to be looking over something on the computer.
'She's gone,' Ian said, breathing a sigh of relief. 'And-'
Suddenly, the two agents were wrenched from the lab and deposited in what they could only assume was Wendy's house, though it was fuzzy and grey, since the author had neglected to describe it even a little bit. Ian and Lee were unceremoniously dumped onto the floor, the temporal-spatial shift making both feel nauseous and light-headed. Lee lay there for a minute, trying to regain her equilibrium, while Ian managed to stand up and figure out what was going on. Wendy was sitting cross-legged nearby, floating in midair at around four feet off the Generic Surface that made up the ground. She was talking to Hodges on the phone, whose disembodied voice boomed around the ill-defined space every time he spoke.
"So you found the kid some nice foster parents?"
"yep"
"Yeah a nice alcoholic and his skanky little wife?"
"uh, nope"
'Of course she didn't, you idiot,' Lee grumbled as she picked herself up off the unforgivingly hard floor. 'Why the hell would she do that? And for Glod's sake, where the hell are the periods in this 'fic?'
'For that matter, why would Wendy be tasked with finding a foster home for Ruby?' Ian said, making sure to write down "introducing incorrect adoption/fostering procedures" on the charge list.
'She wouldn't even be given the 'Sue to take care of,' Lee told him. 'You and I both know that's not how the American foster care system works. Gods, I wish this wasn't just the first chapter.'
"Nope? you found a honest to goodness foster home for her?"
"yes...me"
"You!"
'No, not her!'
'Lee, this isn't an MST...'
'Sorry. Wait, no, I'm not,' Lee scowled and crossed her arms over her chest. 'This author clearly didn't do the research that would've taken maybe all of ten minutes to do. Hell, even the info on Wikipedia would've worked.'
'I thought you hated Wikipedia,' Ian said, raising an eyebrow. 'In fact, I distinctly remember you saying it was "mostly a pit of misinformation and shoddy research".'
'It still would've been better than this piece of gos se.'
Meanwhile, Hodges and Wendy continued on with their poorly formatted banter, and the two PPC agents half-heartedly listened until Hodges asked something that made Ian and Lee highly confused.
"so you're going to keep for how long"
'Wait, what?' Ian momentarily tilted his head to one side in confusion. 'Keep what? The way that's worded, it makes it sound like Hodges just asked how long Wendy would keep, like how long she would stay fresh in the fridge.'
'And that, my friend, is why people need betas.'
"I don't know, are you jealous?" she laughed
'Given that Ruby's a six-year-old 'Sue, I should hope not.' Lee scowled darkly as the chapter finally ended and faded to black, leaving her and Ian in the dark for a brief time before the second chapter started up, the author's voice booming out once more and deafening the two agents.
*Pardon my spelling and grammer!*
* Reviewers thanks for the nice comments!*
LATER THAT NIGHT
Ian sighed as the fuzzy setting of Wendy's bedroom formed once more around him and Lee. They watched from the other side of the room as Wendy was woken by Ruby, who'd had a nightmare. Wendy explained what caused nightmares to happen in an altogether clinical way, and Ruby actually understood the mildly complex explanation.
The charge sheet was starting to get longer and longer by the minute, and Lee was starting to look more and more homicidal as time went on. Finally, though, Wendy got Ruby back into bed with the promise of shopping the next day before Wendy had to go into work.
'Do you want to stay for the shopping?' Ian asked after a sudden time-shift brought them into the morning.
'Gods, no. Let's portal ahead to when Hodges and Wendy get home from work,' Lee replied, shaking her head. 'I'm starting to get a headache from all this horrible formatting.'
'I know what you mean. Here, have some Bleeprin.' Ian fished the bottle out of his pack and gave it to Lee before fishing out his portal generator and activating it. The portal showed Wendy's apartment, but later in the day, when Lindsay Willows was baby-sitting Ruby.
'We can wait here 'til Wendy and Hodges get here, which should be in a few minutes,' he continued on, stepping through the portal. Lee followed after him, washing the two Bleeprin tablets down with a couple of sips from her water bottle. They waited for about ten minutes until the fuzzy front door of Wendy's apartment opened, allowing Wendy and Hodges to come in.
"Ruby" Wendy called as she enter the apartment with Hodges, the kitchen and family room where empty
"Lindsay kidnapped her" Hodges whispered in Wendy's ear she smirked then elbowed him
"Okay CSI Hodges what do we do?" she asked sarcastically
"bedroom, or bathroom?"
'Oh, dear Eru,' Lee breathed, trying to keep her composure as she and Ian followed behind the two lab techs. Somehow, Ruby had managed to duct tape Lindsay to the toilet, which should've been impossible, given the two girls' disproportionate sizes and strengths. Thankfully, the toilet lid was closed, but Lindsay certainly did not look happy. Wendy and Hodges quickly freed Lindsay, paying her extra for her troubles. Lindsay left soon after that; Ian noticed that the young woman's eyes were mildly glazed from being in the presence of the 'Sue for so long. He looked at Hodges and Wendy and noticed the same vaguely unfocused looks gracing their faces, even as they supposedly playfully interacted with Ruby, who had been "playing" with Lindsay, and then settled down to watch some episodes of Astro Quest.
Lee could literally smell the contrived and sickening fluff; the scent was very much like that of burnt cotton candy. It slowly faded as the chapter ended and the next one began. Ian scanned ahead, looking thoughtful.
'I think we can skip this chapter,' he said to Lee, who had been attempting to hold her breath in order to escape the smell of the fluff. 'It doesn't look like there's much going on here, unless you really want to tag along for the first day of first grade?'
'What? Ugh, no, I don't. Let's portal to the next chapter, then. That looks like a good place to stop this 'Sue once and for all,' Lee replied, taking a deep breath and then shaking her head. 'I need to sleep.'
'Mm,' Ian shrugged and opened a portal to the CSI labs once more, timing it so that he and Lee arrived just as Lindsay and Ruby came into the labs. 'Ready to do this?' he asked Lee as they watched Greg, Sara, Catherine, Hodges, and Wendy all interact with Ruby.
'I've been ready since this travesty of a story started,' Lee told him, her voice dangerously calm. She strode forward, heading toward the group of CSIs and lab techs.
"Hey Greg!"
"Ruby!" he came over picked Ruby up off Lindsay's back and swung her up and hung her upside down, Ruby erupted in giggles
"Thanks" Lindsay smiled at Greg
"No Problem" he whispered back "Where to your highness?"
"Wendy!" then he picked her back up and slung her over his shoulder, Ruby loving attention in her complete heaven
"You found you're posse didn't you?" Wendy mused
"Yes" Greg bought Ruby to the front and held her "found the criminal?"
'No, they haven't, but we need to talk with Miss Ruby here,' said a voice from the back of the small crowd that had followed Greg. The CSIs turned around to see what they thought to be two lab techs, one holding a thick notepad in one of her hands.
'Why do you need to talk to Ruby?' Hodges asked, sounding vaguely like his usual self.
'We're here on behalf of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum,' Lee said with a terse smile and a far too calm tone of voice, 'and we have a few things we really need to speak with her about.'
'The what of the what?'
'Just trust me on this one,' Ian said, giving Lee a nervous glance. 'She's a little stressed right now...'
Ruby pushed forward to the front of the crowd.
'I'm Ruby' she said, sounding fearless. 'What do you want to say to me?'
'Ian, snag her for me, would you?'
Ian moved quickly and grabbed hold of Ruby, making sure the small 'Sue couldn't get away. Hodges and Wendy made vague protesting noises, but as they were at the back of the group of CSIs and techs, there wasn't much they could do. Lee led Ian and Ruby into a nearby office that was unoccupied, closing and locking the door behind them so that the charging wouldn't be interrupted by any canons looking to see where Ruby had gotten off to.
'Right,' Lee said, flipping to the front of her notebook and clearing her throat once they all were situated, 'Ahem. Ruby Lewis, AKA Mary Sue, we are Agents Keaton and Nahinu of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, and you are hereby charged with the following items: Being a Mary Sue. Punctuation abuse, along with horrendous grammar, spelling, capitalization, and sentence structure. Sending Wendy out as a CSI; it's more likely that Hodges would've been sent, since he's got more experience and has been sent out before. Making Wendy a "women" multiple times. Being able to comprehend things that aren't normally age-appropriate for a six-year old. For example: "Special Friends", the hows and whys of dreams, Bipolar Disorder, etc. Having Wendy be able to automatically become a foster parent, especially when it a) takes months to get the approval of the CPS to be a foster parent, and b) the CPS would've put you in State-approved custody rather than someone that hadn't been vetted intensively by their investigators.
'Coming to see Wendy as a mother-figure far too quickly. Having Hodges and Wendy in an established relationship in 2009, especially since the story isn't marked "AU" and they haven't even come close to figuring out if they want to be in a relationship with one another. Turning yourself into "Rudy", and thereby causing a momentary gender-switch. Mixing up various words with their near and actual homonyms. Turning yourself into animate dresses. Duct taping a high schooler to a thankfully closed toilet. This should be physically impossible for a six year old.
'Having to be enrolled in a school if you're already in first grade. Having far too advanced of a vocabulary. Having a car seat instead of a booster seat. Various temporal/spatial jumps and lack of description of the settings throughout this 'fic. Messing with the characterization of damn near everyone and turning them into puddles of moosh for you to merrily skip through. Leaving out Langston and several other key characters, including Nick, Doc Robbins, Henry, Archie, and various others. Having Lindsay be able to basically skip classes during junior year of high school. Also, not concretely describing when the 'fic is taking place- summer, winter, etc. Oh, and greatly annoying and pissing off two sleep-deprived PPC agents. Do you have any last, non-annoying words before my partner shuts you up?'
'But I wanna stay with Wendy She's gonna be my new mommy' Ruby wailed. Ian grimaced and managed to gag Ruby via the simple application of his hand to her mouth. She tried to bite him, but didn't succeed. Lee opened a portal and motioned for Ian to throw Ruby through. He did so, catching a glimpse of an abandoned warehouse that he vaguely recognized being the one blown up by Walter Gordon in the penultimate episode of Season Five. The portal snapped shut just as the warehouse blew up and obliterated Ruby, as she had been at Ground Zero of the blast.
Back in the lab, the CSIs and lab techs milled around, looking confused now that canon had been restored.
'What's going on?' Hodges muttered, feeling as if his head was filled with cotton batting.
'I have no idea,' Lindsay replied, a dazed look on her face. 'Why am I not at school? I've got tests and stuff to do. Crap!'
'Excuse me, but if you look over here, all your questions will be answered.' said a nearby voice. The assembled canons looked as one towards the voice, and were then momentarily blinded by a bright flash.
'Okay, so you all have been working on some new cases that've just come in,' Lee told them, pocketing the neuralizer and taking off her sunglasses. 'Well, except for you, Lindsay. You've been at school.' With that, Lindsay disappeared, returning back to where she should've been the whole time.
'Everyone else, disperse to your labs; you'll find the information about the cases there. There has never been a young girl named Ruby in your lives at any time in the past few months, and Wendy never fostered her, nor are she and Hodges in a concrete relationship.' She focused on the two lab rats. 'You two have an unresolved sexual tension between you, but you're not sure what to do with it, and are therefore often awkward around one another. You both channel that awkwardness into sarcastic, geeky bantering between one another, but are slowly becoming good friends, and perhaps even more, though not right now. You have never seen us. You may go now.'
The canons returned to their normal labs, though there was still the problem of the canons that had been entirely ignored by the Ruby-Sue. Ian and Lee eventually found them in a plot hole that was lurking in the Ballistics lab. It took a while to get everyone out and then neuralized; the two PPC agents had to enlist the help of a few of the already freed canons to get some of the bulkier canons, like Langston and Doc Robbins, out of the deep plot hole. Eventually, though, everyone was back in their rightful place and Lee and Ian were able to go back to HQ.
Lee sighed happily as the portal winked out of existence, throwing her bag to the ground and immediately Shifting to her cougar form.
'Get some rest, Lee,' Ian said, shucking off his shoes and clambering up to his bunk. Lee growled softly in response and curled up on her bed, burrowing under the nest of pillows and blankets in its center. Ian leaned against the wall, picked up a nearby cross-stitch project that had been set on a small shelf attached to one of the guard-rails of the bed itself, and began to work, listening to the ambient noises of the Response Center. He was glad to be home.
Of course, this idyllic scenario lasted only about twenty minutes before...
[BEEEEEEEP!]