Mission 8: A Case of Emotions Unchronicled
Rating: T/PG-13
Fandom: Sherlock Holmes
[I own nothing, etc, etc, etc. This is a work of parody, and should be treated as such. The PPC and all of its original ideas are (C) Jay and Acacia. “A Case of Emotions Unchronicled Case No 1” belongs to xx.merilwen.hanson.xx, who is more than welcome to it. All quotes from the badfic are in bold. This is unbetaed, so all mistakes are mine, save for those in the badfic quotes.]
'Keep your end up!'
'I'm doing the best I can, Ian, but it's heavy.'
'Okay, okay, let's take a break on this,' Ian said, carefully setting down his end of the bookshelf he and Lee were trying to rearrange their RC, as both had agreed that it needed a new look. They'd started after Lee's trip to FicPsych; after a three-hour long evaluation, Lee had been given a clean bill of health by Doctor Freedenburg, and had been sent back home to await her and Ian's next mission. They hadn't been able to move the bed or the console, so they had to be left alone, but most everything else was able to be moved. So far they'd managed to move two of the larger bookshelves and one of the weapons cabinets, but both were waiting for the console to beep.
Ian snagged two chilled water bottles from the fridge and then tossed one to Lee, who caught it and then sat down on the nearest chair.
'Thanks,' she said, pushing her hair out of her face before unscrewing the cap of her water bottle and then taking a long drink.
'No problem,' Ian said, taking a seat on another chair. Mariposa and Colonel Shepard were out of the way on Ian's bunk, while Mr. Wesley was up in his web-strewn corner, idly eating a large chunk of meat held in his forelegs. 'So, where should we put the book-' Ian began, but was cut off by the sudden sounding of the sound of the console going off.
[BEEEEP!]
Lee, who was closer to the console than Ian was, hit the mission acceptance button and then read the mission report.
'Ooh, Sherlock Holmes,' she said, her fingers moving rapidly over the keyboard as she set the disguises. 'Any preference as to what kind of accent you want?'
'Just a Generic London accent is fine,' Ian replied. Lee nodded and then finished setting the disguises before she opened a portal into the fic. Ian grabbed their packs, handing Lee hers before shouldering his own.
'Shall we?' Ian asked, offering his arm to Lee. She grinned, grabbed a parasol from a nearby umbrella stand, and then took Ian's arm before accompanying him through the portal.
~/~/~
They emerged into the pre-fic greyness just before the Author's Note blared into life, their disguises falling into place around them as the portal snapped shut behind them.
“Hey all!” the Author's voice yelled, making Ian and Lee quickly cover their ears. “OK, FYI, I own nothing except the plot, Anand and Maia. Holmes and Watson, much to my misery, are the true property of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, a fantastic author, whose works I have admired ever since I have read them. austenfan1990 - I salute you, mate! Your works could rival his, and that says something! So could AerynFire's! OK, enough with this stuff. On with the show!”
'She thinks that someone on this site can rival Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's brilliance?' Ian asked incredulously as he uncovered his ears. 'Really?'
'Apparently,' Lee said dryly. 'We know better, though.' She paused, her eyes going out of focus as she read the upcoming Words, then swore softly before rummaging around in her pack- which was disguised as a period-appropriate lady's handbag -and pulling out a large squishy yellow cube labeled “Crash Dummy”; the bag's opening seemed far too small for the cube to pass through, but Lee pulled it off easily enough. The cube was rather battered, and it had a large patch on one side. She pulled the cord on it, activating it just as the story switched into the first-person viewpoint of Doctor John Watson, saving both her and Ian from having to deal with the headache that would have followed if she hadn't.
The narrative started soon after; the crash dummy spoke with the voice of Nigel Bruce, which made both agents smile; Ian was honestly surprised it wasn't speaking like Jude Law, given the man's portrayal of Watson in recent years and his popularity with Suethors.
“To Sherlock Holmes she is always his Maia. I have seldom heard him mention her under any other title. In his eyes she eclipses and predominates the whole of her sex. He never felt any emotion akin to love for women, until he met her. All emotions, and that one particularly, were abhorrent to his cold, precise, but admirably balanced mind. He was, I feel, the most perfect reasoning and observing machine that the world has seen; but, as a lover, he would have been in utter confusion. He never spoke of the softer passions, save with a cruel remark and a sneer.”
'Oh, Glod-damn it,' Ian said, looking annoyed. 'What the hell is this? Sherlock Holmes never loved anyone. The closest anyone got was Irene Adler, and she only impressed him.'
“They were admirable things for the observer - excellent for drawing the veil from men's motives and actions. But for the trained reasoner to admit such intrusions into his own delicate and finely adjusted temperament was to introduce a distracting factor which might throw a doubt upon all his mental results. Grit in a sensitive instrument, or a crack in one of his high-power lenses, would not be more disturbing than a strong emotion in a nature such as his. And yet there was but one woman for him, and that woman was the beautiful Maia Sharma, of excellent memory, sound logic, wonderful observation, incredible intelligence and hypnotic dark chocolate eyes…” Watson continued on, and then suddenly his narrative was interrupted by another Author's Note.
“A/N: OK, I desperately need reviews before I put up the next chapter…no worries, folks, the story is already finished…I just need reviews lol.”
'This is starting out well,' Lee said with a roll of her eyes as she followed Ian through a portal to the next chapter. 'The grammar isn't so bad, but the utter idiocy of Sherlock Holmes actually falling in love with someone is just a little annoying.'
'True,' Ian replied, guiding Lee to a small park across from the famous 221b Baker Street townhouse, quickly ducking into the shelter of some trees just as, across the street, Holmes awoke Watson with a “gentle shake.” The Sue- who was going by the name of Maia Sharma -was quickly introduced, with an abundance of over-description, something Ian and Lee had a feeling would be prevalent during this mission.
A young woman sat in her chair, clad in a pale pink cotton sari and her veil over her face. I saw that her hands were not dark like the traditional natives of India, but golden. They were also covered with orange henna, a dye used to decorate the hands of women, associated traditionally with weddings.
'Okay, I'll give the Suethor one thing,' Ian said, taking a seat on a small bench located under an oak tree; Lee sat next to him, opening her brass-tipped blue silk parasol to guard against the bright summer sun. 'Henna is traditionally associated with weddings in India.'
'Yeah, but the effect's kind of ruined by the fact that her skin's golden, so the two colors clash horribly,' Lee replied. 'Hey, I wonder if her skin's real gold or not, or if her eyes are actually made of chocolate.'
Ian gave Lee a sidelong look. 'You scare me sometimes, Lee.'
'By the Spring Lady, would you listen to what she just said?' Lee said in return.
'What?' Ian scanned the Words, his eyebrows rising as he saw what had caused Lee to call on one of the Lithrani goddesses.
"Indeed, Mr. Holmes. My father..." she wiped frantically at her eyes. "I apologize. He was...murdered last night, sir. Stabbed in the body a hundred and eight times," Ms. Sharma explained, shuddering with suppressed sobs.
'What, did she count them or something?' Ian asked, turning to Lee, who shrugged and then wrote down the charge, leaning her parasol against her shoulder in order to write.
'Obviously, but look at what she does next. She tries to out-Holmes Holmes.'
'Oh, great.' Ian read farther ahead in the Words, his lips moving silently as he tried to see if they needed to stay where they were, or if they could just portal ahead to the next chapter. 'Besides having a name that's not of a traditional Indian origin- Maia's traditionally one of the seven Greek Pleiades -but beyond trying to outsmart Holmes-'
'-which we already have a charge for-'
'Right. Anyways, beyond that, she doesn't do much this chapter besides abuse commas and general capitalization. The next few chapters are mostly just descriptions of the Sue's speshulness, so we can skip those as well. I think we can safely portal ahead to where the action starts,' Ian concluded, getting to his feet. Lee stood up as well, closing her parasol and then putting her notepad away in her bag before getting the RA out and activating a portal to their next destination.
The portal took them to a lamp-lit street outside a theater- it was on Church Street, according to the directions Holmes had given a horse-cab driver -and Ian and Lee quickly took a seat in the crowd somewhere around the middle of the theater. The Watson!dummy was sitting next to Holmes, who was disguised thusly: He was dressed in a suit of agate grey that accentuated his eyes, with a wig of strawberry blonde curls peeking from under his hat and a moustache to match.
The designated Token Lecherous Jerk of the fic and would-be suitor of Maia, Anand Patil, was sitting in front of the intrepid detecting duo, watching three musicians set up their instruments on stage. The reason for said musicians was soon revealed when Maia came out onto the stage, dressed in deep teal costume embroidered in gold, with heavy gold jewellery. Her softly smiling red lips stood out in her golden face, and her merry dark eyes were delicately outlined with black, making them the most obvious feature of her face. She also had large anklets around her thin ankles, which had bells on them.
She began to dance, and while Watson described Maia as a very graceful, artistic dancer, to Ian and Lee it looked like she was flailing around to the music. Holmes was enraptured by this, and the two agents could almost see the Aura of Smooth rolling off of Maia and enveloping the famous detective. Ian was hesitant to use his CAD, as he wasn't sure the delicate instrument could take the sheer amount of OOCness that Sherlock was being put through. The dance was soon over, for which Ian and Lee were grateful, and then Maia left the stage, her musicians following along behind her.
'Where to now?' Lee asked Ian as they mingled with the crowd in the large lobby.
'Well, Maia's coming out here soon,' Ian replied, his eyes out of focus as he read the Words scrolling past on a nearby wall. 'She's basically going to put Anand in his “place” and then go off with Holmes and Watson.'
'Why don't we watch?' Lee said. 'It's not like we've got much of a rush to get anywhere.'
'True,' Ian agreed, so they continued to mingle with the crowd, surreptitiously getting closer to Holmes, Watson, and Anand until they were in a good spot to see everything go down. Lee took her charge list out again, making sure no one was paying attention as she scribbled down the charges with a pencil, her parasol leaning against a nearby column to free her hands. After a half an hour or so, Maia showed up, having changed out of her gaudy costume and into a red and gold sari. She made her way over to Holmes and Watson, who greeted her appropriately enough for the social customs of the day.
Holmes took her hand when she approached and kissed it tenderly. She smiled softly at him, her expression open and caring, as was his own.
Ian snorted softly, making Lee look up from her charge list. She realized the source of his irritation when she saw Holmes' soppy look of adoration for Maia.
'He looks like he's constipated,' she noted.
'What?'
Lee gestured at Holmes with her pencil. 'Look at his eyes. I think he's trying to fight the Aura of Smooth, but it's not working.'
Now that he focused on Holmes' face, Ian had to agree with Lee. Holmes did look rather strained, especially around the eyes, but it only lasted for a few seconds until the Aura of Smooth took over once again. Anand, Maia, and Holmes indulged in a bit of dull banter, and then Holmes escorted Maia out of the theater, Watson following along after them.
Ian and Lee only had a moment's warning before they were suddenly transported to the sitting room of 221b Baker Street after a time skip of three weeks, a wrench that left the two DMSers feeling quite ill. They managed to hide in the lavatory without being seen by either Holmes or Watson, a minor miracle in and of itself. Lee collapsed to the cool tile floor in a graceless heap, sighing happily at the feeling of the solid ground beneath her.
'You okay, Lee?' Ian asked, keeping his voice low as Holmes and Watson started talking about how Holmes had started to fall in love with Maia.
'Hmm? Yeah, I'm good,' Lee replied, stretching her arms above her head in an effort to release some of the tension in her back. 'I can't wait to properly kill this Sue, though. She's starting to get on my nerves.'
'Yeah, I-' Ian paused, his brow furrowing. Something seemed off about Lee, but Ian hadn't really noticed until now. 'Lee, stand up for me, would you?'
Shooting him a confused look, Lee did as she was asked, pushing herself to her feet with the aid of her sturdy parasol. 'What's up, Ian?'
Ian didn't answer, but instead poked Lee in the side. 'You're not wearing a corset, are you?' he asked.
'I think that's a rather personal question, Ian,' Lee said, raising an amused eyebrow. 'I wasn't aware we were there in our relationship. Usually a guy has to take me on a few dates before I tell him what kind of underwear I'm wearing.'
Ian blushed, but continued on anyways. 'I thought you were moving too easily, that's all.'
Lee sighed. 'Ian, I highly doubt the 'Verse is going to collapse because of my anachronistic underclothes,' she said. 'It's just a strapl- Oh, Glod-damnit!'
'What now?'
'The glaurunging Sue is going to sing the titular song from The Phantom of the Opera, and Sherlock is going to be playing the Phantom,' Lee growled, her fingers going white from clutching the smooth handle of her parasol too hard.
'The musical version of Phantom was written in the eighties, right?'
'1986,' Lee said, opening a portal to the Opera House. 'And she's got Holmes singing in Hindi as well.'
'She's just going all out, isn't she?' Ian said with a shake of his head before following Lee through the portal. They took seats near the stage door, and once the cringe-inducing performance by Maia was over- she sounded less like the sweet, angel-like soprano Watson described her as and more like a cat in heat -the two agents hurried backstage, following after Watson and Anand, who started to threaten Maia the second he got into her dressing room. Watson was waiting outside the room, listening to the conversation going on between Maia, Sherlock, and Anand, but entered the room when Patil yelled, "Oh, well done, Mr. Nosy Holmes, very well done. But I shall not allow you to steal the woman that should be my wife, from me! She is mine, do you hear me?"
The action mounted from there as Maia took a bullet meant for Holmes, who in turn pistol-whipped Anand with Watson's service revolver, knocking him out. At that moment, Ian and Lee hurried in, intent on not letting the harm to the 'Verse continue on. Watson turned at the sight of them, looking confused at their presence.
'Pardon us, gentlemen, but we heard shouting and-' Lee forced herself to look shocked at Maia's gently bleeding body. 'Dear God, she's been shot! We need a doctor immediately!' She continued to act the part of the gentle, high-born lady, fanning herself with a program she'd picked up in the main theater, while Ian moved briskly forwards.
'Don't worry; we'll take care of this,' he said. 'Just leave her be.'
'I'm a doctor, sir, and I need to take care of this young woman,' Watson said as Holmes brushed tendrils of hair from Maia's beautiful face gently, his face the very picture of horror, despair and hopelessness.
Ian shook his head, glad that his disguise provided him with shorter hair than usual. 'No, that won't be necessary,' he said. 'I'm afraid she's far too gone to need medical attention.'
'Rubbish,' Watson said. 'If you think I'm going to let you-'
'Doctor Watson, Mr. Holmes, if you would look here please? Ian, eyes.'
Watson turned at the sound of Lee's voice, Holmes tearing his gaze away from Maia at the same time. Ian screwed his eyes shut and then heard the high whine of the neuralizer going off.
'It's safe, Ian,' Lee said. 'Thanks for giving me enough time to get the neuralizer. I had to search a bit for it.'
'No problem,' Ian replied, helping Lee get Sherlock to his feet. He look dazed, as was usual for those who had just been neuralized, and so did the dummy!Watson. 'Okay, Mr. Holmes, listen up. You've never heard of a woman named Maia Sharma, and you've certainly never fallen in love with anyone. The closest you've ever gotten to a woman is your respect for Irene Adler. You will forget the events of the past month, dismissing it as a bad dream the moment you wake up. You will find your bed just on the other side of this doorway,' Ian continued on as Lee opened up a portal to Sherlock's bedroom. 'Get ready for bed and then go to sleep.'
The dazed detective went through the portal, which snapped shut once he'd gotten through. Taking care of the Dummy!Watson was a little bit easier; all they had to do was “kill” it, fold it back up into its cube form, and then find the real Watson, who was hidden away in a plothole under the Opera House's stage. He was understandably confused when Ian and Lee pulled him out of the dark hole, but he was soon neuralized and sent back home as well.
'Well, I guess all we've got left to deal with are Anand and Maia,' Ian said as he and Lee made their way back to the dressing room where they'd left the two aforementioned OCs.
'Hmm. I think we can just neuralize Anand,' Lee mused. 'He's just a Token Lecherous Jerk, so if we give him a bit of a nicer personality along with the mind-wipe, he should just assimilate into the background canon. As for Maia, I've got something special for her.'
'Lee...'
'Don't worry, Ian. It's a canon method of execution, I promise,' Lee told him as they reached the dressing room. Once inside, they checked to see if Anand was still alive- he was still unconscious, but other than that, perfectly fine - so once they roused him with some smelling salts Lee pulled out of her purse, they neuralized him and sent him on his way. He seemed a little more dazed than was normal after a neuralization, but Ian and Lee didn't worry about it, their attention focusing more on the limp form of Maia Sharma.
'Ready?' Ian asked after gathering Maia into his arms.
'Yep,' Lee replied, opening a portal. On the other side was the top of the famous Reichenbach Falls. The sound of the Falls was tremendous, so they moved far enough away to talk without shouting, but still close enough for proper corpse disposal.
'Shall we wake her up?' Ian inquired after setting Maia on the ground none-too-gently.
'Yeah,' Lee said, and then placed a smart kick to Maia's ribs. The Sue didn't move, so Lee did the next best thing: she shoved the vial of smelling salts underneath Maia's nose and yelled in her ear, 'Wakey-wakey, Sleeping Ugly!'
With a suitably dramatic groan, Maia woke up, the back of one hand pressed against her forehead in true damsel-in-distress fashion. 'What happened? Did I die? Is this heaven?'
'Not quite,' Ian replied. 'Lee, the charge sheet, if you would?'
'Of course. No, wait, you stay there, little missy,' she said to Maia, pressing the heavy and blunt brass tip of her parasol ever so lightly against Maia's throat to keep her down. 'I have something you need to hear.'
Using her free hand, Lee managed to get her notepad out and then threw it to Ian. 'There you go.'
'Thanks,' Ian said, and then began to read. 'Maia Sharma, we are Agents Nahinu and Keaton of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, and we have been sent to stop you from committing crimes against the fandom of Sherlock Holmes. Your charges are as follows: Being a Mary Sue. Throwing Sherlock Holmes out of character enough that he fell in love with you. Claiming to be the only woman Sherlock Holmes has ever loved. Outperforming Sherlock Holmes in all manners of deduction and detective work. Performing songs from The Phantom of the Opera far before the musical was written. Having Sherlock Holmes be able to perform opera.
'Abusing punctuation, specifically the comma. Creating a Token Lecherous Jerk just to get into Sherlock Holmes' pants. Dumbing down Doctor John Watson.' Here Ian glared at Maia. 'The man isn't an idiot. He's a highly intelligent man, who, while he may not be of the same caliber as Sherlock Holmes, can hold his own if he needs to. Anyways, back to your charges. Annoying PPC agents with superfluous Author's Notes, as well as with over-description of your clothes. Do you have any last words before you die?'
Maia remained silent, but Lee was more than happy to work with this turn of events. She crouched down in front of the prone Sue, holding out a small lacquered box that had a red Asian dragon painted on the lid.
'Inside here,' she said, 'are two pills. One is poison, and the other is sugar. They look, smell, and taste exactly the same, so you won't know which one you got unless you die. If you do choose the poison, it'll be quick. I can't say it'll be painless, but it'll be quick, which is more of a mercy than you deserve at the moment.' She opened the box, revealing the two promised pills. 'Which one? Left or right? Oh, and if you don't choose, I'll automatically give you the poison one. Thought you ought to know that.'
'The one on the left,' Maia said after a moment's consideration. Lee nodded and then handed the pill to Maia, closing the box once she'd done so.
'Interesting choice. Anyways, eat up.'
Maia put the pill in her mouth, dry-swallowing it the best she could. After a few seconds, Maia's eyes widened, her hand going to her throat before she gasped in pain and then died. Almost immediately, the subtle wrongness that pervaded the atmosphere when a Sue was present in a 'Verse dissipated, letting Ian and Lee breathe twin sighs of relief.
'So, what case was that particular death from?' Ian asked as he and Lee hauled Maia's corpse to the river and then dumped it into the water.
'A Study in Scarlet,' Lee said. 'Though I've got to admit, I lied to her. They were both poison.'
'I kind of expected that,' Ian said with a shrug. 'No use in letting her live.'
'No,' Lee said. She paused, biting at her lip in thought. 'You don't think giving her any kind of hope that she might've lived was cruel, do you?'
'Well, if you want to pick at it, you could say that you were just following what had happened in canon,' Ian said before pulling Lee close to him and giving her a brief hug. 'But my grandma always said never to pick at things that don't need it. This is one of those times, I think.'
Lee gave him a tentative smile before hugging him back. 'Thanks, Ian. Sometimes I worry that I'm getting too blasé about this job, and one day I'll just lose myself in the joy of the killing.'
'I think I'll start worrying about that when you stop. Let's go home. We've still got work to do.'
'Oh, joy.'
Fandom: Sherlock Holmes
[I own nothing, etc, etc, etc. This is a work of parody, and should be treated as such. The PPC and all of its original ideas are (C) Jay and Acacia. “A Case of Emotions Unchronicled Case No 1” belongs to xx.merilwen.hanson.xx, who is more than welcome to it. All quotes from the badfic are in bold. This is unbetaed, so all mistakes are mine, save for those in the badfic quotes.]
'Keep your end up!'
'I'm doing the best I can, Ian, but it's heavy.'
'Okay, okay, let's take a break on this,' Ian said, carefully setting down his end of the bookshelf he and Lee were trying to rearrange their RC, as both had agreed that it needed a new look. They'd started after Lee's trip to FicPsych; after a three-hour long evaluation, Lee had been given a clean bill of health by Doctor Freedenburg, and had been sent back home to await her and Ian's next mission. They hadn't been able to move the bed or the console, so they had to be left alone, but most everything else was able to be moved. So far they'd managed to move two of the larger bookshelves and one of the weapons cabinets, but both were waiting for the console to beep.
Ian snagged two chilled water bottles from the fridge and then tossed one to Lee, who caught it and then sat down on the nearest chair.
'Thanks,' she said, pushing her hair out of her face before unscrewing the cap of her water bottle and then taking a long drink.
'No problem,' Ian said, taking a seat on another chair. Mariposa and Colonel Shepard were out of the way on Ian's bunk, while Mr. Wesley was up in his web-strewn corner, idly eating a large chunk of meat held in his forelegs. 'So, where should we put the book-' Ian began, but was cut off by the sudden sounding of the sound of the console going off.
[BEEEEP!]
Lee, who was closer to the console than Ian was, hit the mission acceptance button and then read the mission report.
'Ooh, Sherlock Holmes,' she said, her fingers moving rapidly over the keyboard as she set the disguises. 'Any preference as to what kind of accent you want?'
'Just a Generic London accent is fine,' Ian replied. Lee nodded and then finished setting the disguises before she opened a portal into the fic. Ian grabbed their packs, handing Lee hers before shouldering his own.
'Shall we?' Ian asked, offering his arm to Lee. She grinned, grabbed a parasol from a nearby umbrella stand, and then took Ian's arm before accompanying him through the portal.
~/~/~
They emerged into the pre-fic greyness just before the Author's Note blared into life, their disguises falling into place around them as the portal snapped shut behind them.
“Hey all!” the Author's voice yelled, making Ian and Lee quickly cover their ears. “OK, FYI, I own nothing except the plot, Anand and Maia. Holmes and Watson, much to my misery, are the true property of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, a fantastic author, whose works I have admired ever since I have read them. austenfan1990 - I salute you, mate! Your works could rival his, and that says something! So could AerynFire's! OK, enough with this stuff. On with the show!”
'She thinks that someone on this site can rival Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's brilliance?' Ian asked incredulously as he uncovered his ears. 'Really?'
'Apparently,' Lee said dryly. 'We know better, though.' She paused, her eyes going out of focus as she read the upcoming Words, then swore softly before rummaging around in her pack- which was disguised as a period-appropriate lady's handbag -and pulling out a large squishy yellow cube labeled “Crash Dummy”; the bag's opening seemed far too small for the cube to pass through, but Lee pulled it off easily enough. The cube was rather battered, and it had a large patch on one side. She pulled the cord on it, activating it just as the story switched into the first-person viewpoint of Doctor John Watson, saving both her and Ian from having to deal with the headache that would have followed if she hadn't.
The narrative started soon after; the crash dummy spoke with the voice of Nigel Bruce, which made both agents smile; Ian was honestly surprised it wasn't speaking like Jude Law, given the man's portrayal of Watson in recent years and his popularity with Suethors.
“To Sherlock Holmes she is always his Maia. I have seldom heard him mention her under any other title. In his eyes she eclipses and predominates the whole of her sex. He never felt any emotion akin to love for women, until he met her. All emotions, and that one particularly, were abhorrent to his cold, precise, but admirably balanced mind. He was, I feel, the most perfect reasoning and observing machine that the world has seen; but, as a lover, he would have been in utter confusion. He never spoke of the softer passions, save with a cruel remark and a sneer.”
'Oh, Glod-damn it,' Ian said, looking annoyed. 'What the hell is this? Sherlock Holmes never loved anyone. The closest anyone got was Irene Adler, and she only impressed him.'
“They were admirable things for the observer - excellent for drawing the veil from men's motives and actions. But for the trained reasoner to admit such intrusions into his own delicate and finely adjusted temperament was to introduce a distracting factor which might throw a doubt upon all his mental results. Grit in a sensitive instrument, or a crack in one of his high-power lenses, would not be more disturbing than a strong emotion in a nature such as his. And yet there was but one woman for him, and that woman was the beautiful Maia Sharma, of excellent memory, sound logic, wonderful observation, incredible intelligence and hypnotic dark chocolate eyes…” Watson continued on, and then suddenly his narrative was interrupted by another Author's Note.
“A/N: OK, I desperately need reviews before I put up the next chapter…no worries, folks, the story is already finished…I just need reviews lol.”
'This is starting out well,' Lee said with a roll of her eyes as she followed Ian through a portal to the next chapter. 'The grammar isn't so bad, but the utter idiocy of Sherlock Holmes actually falling in love with someone is just a little annoying.'
'True,' Ian replied, guiding Lee to a small park across from the famous 221b Baker Street townhouse, quickly ducking into the shelter of some trees just as, across the street, Holmes awoke Watson with a “gentle shake.” The Sue- who was going by the name of Maia Sharma -was quickly introduced, with an abundance of over-description, something Ian and Lee had a feeling would be prevalent during this mission.
A young woman sat in her chair, clad in a pale pink cotton sari and her veil over her face. I saw that her hands were not dark like the traditional natives of India, but golden. They were also covered with orange henna, a dye used to decorate the hands of women, associated traditionally with weddings.
'Okay, I'll give the Suethor one thing,' Ian said, taking a seat on a small bench located under an oak tree; Lee sat next to him, opening her brass-tipped blue silk parasol to guard against the bright summer sun. 'Henna is traditionally associated with weddings in India.'
'Yeah, but the effect's kind of ruined by the fact that her skin's golden, so the two colors clash horribly,' Lee replied. 'Hey, I wonder if her skin's real gold or not, or if her eyes are actually made of chocolate.'
Ian gave Lee a sidelong look. 'You scare me sometimes, Lee.'
'By the Spring Lady, would you listen to what she just said?' Lee said in return.
'What?' Ian scanned the Words, his eyebrows rising as he saw what had caused Lee to call on one of the Lithrani goddesses.
"Indeed, Mr. Holmes. My father..." she wiped frantically at her eyes. "I apologize. He was...murdered last night, sir. Stabbed in the body a hundred and eight times," Ms. Sharma explained, shuddering with suppressed sobs.
'What, did she count them or something?' Ian asked, turning to Lee, who shrugged and then wrote down the charge, leaning her parasol against her shoulder in order to write.
'Obviously, but look at what she does next. She tries to out-Holmes Holmes.'
'Oh, great.' Ian read farther ahead in the Words, his lips moving silently as he tried to see if they needed to stay where they were, or if they could just portal ahead to the next chapter. 'Besides having a name that's not of a traditional Indian origin- Maia's traditionally one of the seven Greek Pleiades -but beyond trying to outsmart Holmes-'
'-which we already have a charge for-'
'Right. Anyways, beyond that, she doesn't do much this chapter besides abuse commas and general capitalization. The next few chapters are mostly just descriptions of the Sue's speshulness, so we can skip those as well. I think we can safely portal ahead to where the action starts,' Ian concluded, getting to his feet. Lee stood up as well, closing her parasol and then putting her notepad away in her bag before getting the RA out and activating a portal to their next destination.
The portal took them to a lamp-lit street outside a theater- it was on Church Street, according to the directions Holmes had given a horse-cab driver -and Ian and Lee quickly took a seat in the crowd somewhere around the middle of the theater. The Watson!dummy was sitting next to Holmes, who was disguised thusly: He was dressed in a suit of agate grey that accentuated his eyes, with a wig of strawberry blonde curls peeking from under his hat and a moustache to match.
The designated Token Lecherous Jerk of the fic and would-be suitor of Maia, Anand Patil, was sitting in front of the intrepid detecting duo, watching three musicians set up their instruments on stage. The reason for said musicians was soon revealed when Maia came out onto the stage, dressed in deep teal costume embroidered in gold, with heavy gold jewellery. Her softly smiling red lips stood out in her golden face, and her merry dark eyes were delicately outlined with black, making them the most obvious feature of her face. She also had large anklets around her thin ankles, which had bells on them.
She began to dance, and while Watson described Maia as a very graceful, artistic dancer, to Ian and Lee it looked like she was flailing around to the music. Holmes was enraptured by this, and the two agents could almost see the Aura of Smooth rolling off of Maia and enveloping the famous detective. Ian was hesitant to use his CAD, as he wasn't sure the delicate instrument could take the sheer amount of OOCness that Sherlock was being put through. The dance was soon over, for which Ian and Lee were grateful, and then Maia left the stage, her musicians following along behind her.
'Where to now?' Lee asked Ian as they mingled with the crowd in the large lobby.
'Well, Maia's coming out here soon,' Ian replied, his eyes out of focus as he read the Words scrolling past on a nearby wall. 'She's basically going to put Anand in his “place” and then go off with Holmes and Watson.'
'Why don't we watch?' Lee said. 'It's not like we've got much of a rush to get anywhere.'
'True,' Ian agreed, so they continued to mingle with the crowd, surreptitiously getting closer to Holmes, Watson, and Anand until they were in a good spot to see everything go down. Lee took her charge list out again, making sure no one was paying attention as she scribbled down the charges with a pencil, her parasol leaning against a nearby column to free her hands. After a half an hour or so, Maia showed up, having changed out of her gaudy costume and into a red and gold sari. She made her way over to Holmes and Watson, who greeted her appropriately enough for the social customs of the day.
Holmes took her hand when she approached and kissed it tenderly. She smiled softly at him, her expression open and caring, as was his own.
Ian snorted softly, making Lee look up from her charge list. She realized the source of his irritation when she saw Holmes' soppy look of adoration for Maia.
'He looks like he's constipated,' she noted.
'What?'
Lee gestured at Holmes with her pencil. 'Look at his eyes. I think he's trying to fight the Aura of Smooth, but it's not working.'
Now that he focused on Holmes' face, Ian had to agree with Lee. Holmes did look rather strained, especially around the eyes, but it only lasted for a few seconds until the Aura of Smooth took over once again. Anand, Maia, and Holmes indulged in a bit of dull banter, and then Holmes escorted Maia out of the theater, Watson following along after them.
Ian and Lee only had a moment's warning before they were suddenly transported to the sitting room of 221b Baker Street after a time skip of three weeks, a wrench that left the two DMSers feeling quite ill. They managed to hide in the lavatory without being seen by either Holmes or Watson, a minor miracle in and of itself. Lee collapsed to the cool tile floor in a graceless heap, sighing happily at the feeling of the solid ground beneath her.
'You okay, Lee?' Ian asked, keeping his voice low as Holmes and Watson started talking about how Holmes had started to fall in love with Maia.
'Hmm? Yeah, I'm good,' Lee replied, stretching her arms above her head in an effort to release some of the tension in her back. 'I can't wait to properly kill this Sue, though. She's starting to get on my nerves.'
'Yeah, I-' Ian paused, his brow furrowing. Something seemed off about Lee, but Ian hadn't really noticed until now. 'Lee, stand up for me, would you?'
Shooting him a confused look, Lee did as she was asked, pushing herself to her feet with the aid of her sturdy parasol. 'What's up, Ian?'
Ian didn't answer, but instead poked Lee in the side. 'You're not wearing a corset, are you?' he asked.
'I think that's a rather personal question, Ian,' Lee said, raising an amused eyebrow. 'I wasn't aware we were there in our relationship. Usually a guy has to take me on a few dates before I tell him what kind of underwear I'm wearing.'
Ian blushed, but continued on anyways. 'I thought you were moving too easily, that's all.'
Lee sighed. 'Ian, I highly doubt the 'Verse is going to collapse because of my anachronistic underclothes,' she said. 'It's just a strapl- Oh, Glod-damnit!'
'What now?'
'The glaurunging Sue is going to sing the titular song from The Phantom of the Opera, and Sherlock is going to be playing the Phantom,' Lee growled, her fingers going white from clutching the smooth handle of her parasol too hard.
'The musical version of Phantom was written in the eighties, right?'
'1986,' Lee said, opening a portal to the Opera House. 'And she's got Holmes singing in Hindi as well.'
'She's just going all out, isn't she?' Ian said with a shake of his head before following Lee through the portal. They took seats near the stage door, and once the cringe-inducing performance by Maia was over- she sounded less like the sweet, angel-like soprano Watson described her as and more like a cat in heat -the two agents hurried backstage, following after Watson and Anand, who started to threaten Maia the second he got into her dressing room. Watson was waiting outside the room, listening to the conversation going on between Maia, Sherlock, and Anand, but entered the room when Patil yelled, "Oh, well done, Mr. Nosy Holmes, very well done. But I shall not allow you to steal the woman that should be my wife, from me! She is mine, do you hear me?"
The action mounted from there as Maia took a bullet meant for Holmes, who in turn pistol-whipped Anand with Watson's service revolver, knocking him out. At that moment, Ian and Lee hurried in, intent on not letting the harm to the 'Verse continue on. Watson turned at the sight of them, looking confused at their presence.
'Pardon us, gentlemen, but we heard shouting and-' Lee forced herself to look shocked at Maia's gently bleeding body. 'Dear God, she's been shot! We need a doctor immediately!' She continued to act the part of the gentle, high-born lady, fanning herself with a program she'd picked up in the main theater, while Ian moved briskly forwards.
'Don't worry; we'll take care of this,' he said. 'Just leave her be.'
'I'm a doctor, sir, and I need to take care of this young woman,' Watson said as Holmes brushed tendrils of hair from Maia's beautiful face gently, his face the very picture of horror, despair and hopelessness.
Ian shook his head, glad that his disguise provided him with shorter hair than usual. 'No, that won't be necessary,' he said. 'I'm afraid she's far too gone to need medical attention.'
'Rubbish,' Watson said. 'If you think I'm going to let you-'
'Doctor Watson, Mr. Holmes, if you would look here please? Ian, eyes.'
Watson turned at the sound of Lee's voice, Holmes tearing his gaze away from Maia at the same time. Ian screwed his eyes shut and then heard the high whine of the neuralizer going off.
'It's safe, Ian,' Lee said. 'Thanks for giving me enough time to get the neuralizer. I had to search a bit for it.'
'No problem,' Ian replied, helping Lee get Sherlock to his feet. He look dazed, as was usual for those who had just been neuralized, and so did the dummy!Watson. 'Okay, Mr. Holmes, listen up. You've never heard of a woman named Maia Sharma, and you've certainly never fallen in love with anyone. The closest you've ever gotten to a woman is your respect for Irene Adler. You will forget the events of the past month, dismissing it as a bad dream the moment you wake up. You will find your bed just on the other side of this doorway,' Ian continued on as Lee opened up a portal to Sherlock's bedroom. 'Get ready for bed and then go to sleep.'
The dazed detective went through the portal, which snapped shut once he'd gotten through. Taking care of the Dummy!Watson was a little bit easier; all they had to do was “kill” it, fold it back up into its cube form, and then find the real Watson, who was hidden away in a plothole under the Opera House's stage. He was understandably confused when Ian and Lee pulled him out of the dark hole, but he was soon neuralized and sent back home as well.
'Well, I guess all we've got left to deal with are Anand and Maia,' Ian said as he and Lee made their way back to the dressing room where they'd left the two aforementioned OCs.
'Hmm. I think we can just neuralize Anand,' Lee mused. 'He's just a Token Lecherous Jerk, so if we give him a bit of a nicer personality along with the mind-wipe, he should just assimilate into the background canon. As for Maia, I've got something special for her.'
'Lee...'
'Don't worry, Ian. It's a canon method of execution, I promise,' Lee told him as they reached the dressing room. Once inside, they checked to see if Anand was still alive- he was still unconscious, but other than that, perfectly fine - so once they roused him with some smelling salts Lee pulled out of her purse, they neuralized him and sent him on his way. He seemed a little more dazed than was normal after a neuralization, but Ian and Lee didn't worry about it, their attention focusing more on the limp form of Maia Sharma.
'Ready?' Ian asked after gathering Maia into his arms.
'Yep,' Lee replied, opening a portal. On the other side was the top of the famous Reichenbach Falls. The sound of the Falls was tremendous, so they moved far enough away to talk without shouting, but still close enough for proper corpse disposal.
'Shall we wake her up?' Ian inquired after setting Maia on the ground none-too-gently.
'Yeah,' Lee said, and then placed a smart kick to Maia's ribs. The Sue didn't move, so Lee did the next best thing: she shoved the vial of smelling salts underneath Maia's nose and yelled in her ear, 'Wakey-wakey, Sleeping Ugly!'
With a suitably dramatic groan, Maia woke up, the back of one hand pressed against her forehead in true damsel-in-distress fashion. 'What happened? Did I die? Is this heaven?'
'Not quite,' Ian replied. 'Lee, the charge sheet, if you would?'
'Of course. No, wait, you stay there, little missy,' she said to Maia, pressing the heavy and blunt brass tip of her parasol ever so lightly against Maia's throat to keep her down. 'I have something you need to hear.'
Using her free hand, Lee managed to get her notepad out and then threw it to Ian. 'There you go.'
'Thanks,' Ian said, and then began to read. 'Maia Sharma, we are Agents Nahinu and Keaton of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, and we have been sent to stop you from committing crimes against the fandom of Sherlock Holmes. Your charges are as follows: Being a Mary Sue. Throwing Sherlock Holmes out of character enough that he fell in love with you. Claiming to be the only woman Sherlock Holmes has ever loved. Outperforming Sherlock Holmes in all manners of deduction and detective work. Performing songs from The Phantom of the Opera far before the musical was written. Having Sherlock Holmes be able to perform opera.
'Abusing punctuation, specifically the comma. Creating a Token Lecherous Jerk just to get into Sherlock Holmes' pants. Dumbing down Doctor John Watson.' Here Ian glared at Maia. 'The man isn't an idiot. He's a highly intelligent man, who, while he may not be of the same caliber as Sherlock Holmes, can hold his own if he needs to. Anyways, back to your charges. Annoying PPC agents with superfluous Author's Notes, as well as with over-description of your clothes. Do you have any last words before you die?'
Maia remained silent, but Lee was more than happy to work with this turn of events. She crouched down in front of the prone Sue, holding out a small lacquered box that had a red Asian dragon painted on the lid.
'Inside here,' she said, 'are two pills. One is poison, and the other is sugar. They look, smell, and taste exactly the same, so you won't know which one you got unless you die. If you do choose the poison, it'll be quick. I can't say it'll be painless, but it'll be quick, which is more of a mercy than you deserve at the moment.' She opened the box, revealing the two promised pills. 'Which one? Left or right? Oh, and if you don't choose, I'll automatically give you the poison one. Thought you ought to know that.'
'The one on the left,' Maia said after a moment's consideration. Lee nodded and then handed the pill to Maia, closing the box once she'd done so.
'Interesting choice. Anyways, eat up.'
Maia put the pill in her mouth, dry-swallowing it the best she could. After a few seconds, Maia's eyes widened, her hand going to her throat before she gasped in pain and then died. Almost immediately, the subtle wrongness that pervaded the atmosphere when a Sue was present in a 'Verse dissipated, letting Ian and Lee breathe twin sighs of relief.
'So, what case was that particular death from?' Ian asked as he and Lee hauled Maia's corpse to the river and then dumped it into the water.
'A Study in Scarlet,' Lee said. 'Though I've got to admit, I lied to her. They were both poison.'
'I kind of expected that,' Ian said with a shrug. 'No use in letting her live.'
'No,' Lee said. She paused, biting at her lip in thought. 'You don't think giving her any kind of hope that she might've lived was cruel, do you?'
'Well, if you want to pick at it, you could say that you were just following what had happened in canon,' Ian said before pulling Lee close to him and giving her a brief hug. 'But my grandma always said never to pick at things that don't need it. This is one of those times, I think.'
Lee gave him a tentative smile before hugging him back. 'Thanks, Ian. Sometimes I worry that I'm getting too blasé about this job, and one day I'll just lose myself in the joy of the killing.'
'I think I'll start worrying about that when you stop. Let's go home. We've still got work to do.'
'Oh, joy.'