Fic: As We Are Wont, 24
Severus,
Love. Let me call you love. Let us call this peace. Let war be rage, and rage be wind, and wind be storm, and storm be song. Let this be peace and we are in it. If I tell a lie more than seventeen times, it becomes the truth because I've willed it so. Choose a number. Three. Seven. Ninety nine. Choose a number and I will take it and convert everything that was bitter into sweet, golden truth. What truth do you want to hear?
We are not born.
We are perfect.
We have never so much as lifted a finger against each other, we could never conceive of crime. We are pure, innocent, untouched by half moons and half sneers.
We are virgins.
We are masters of our world. We wield power and magic in benevolent, endearing ways: turning glass slippers into princes.
We are respected, walk the streets chin up, shoulders back, straight and proud. We are decent. We have straight teeth, take tea with shortbread.
We have no scars. Our skin is spotless, without blemish.
What truth do you want to hear, Severus? I will tell it to you and say it so many times, I will forget all else and believe your words. It lasts but a moment, living in a world built of words. I crumble against people because I crumble against physical reality-- they hold their perceptions like swords and shields while I am naked. There are so many swords, realities immutable. I didn't understand why everyone hated Lucius Malfoy for saying he served Voldemort on imperius. No one believed it, but did that matter? His pardon and subsequent success lent credence to his truths. He is stronger than I. I have not been half so successful, in words or deeds.
You would never accept that. I can bear to kiss your face because I have never tried to maul it. Otherwise, I would be overcome with guilt and render myself weaker than water. Perceptions, Severus. I constantly see double-- saw double-- and can't remember which is which. Wolves have different values, as you could guess. I was six. My parents tried, James tried, Albus and Minerva tried, to teach me to see with one set of eyes. Poppy took scans, notes of my brain, published papers on the development of an adolescent werewolf. I have a different structure. Lying is a way of exerting control. Wolves don't lie-- only humans do. I lie. I am human.
Love. Let me call you love. Whether I am lying, not lying, what difference does it make? I believe it. Severus, I am well and truly lost to you because I have loved many men and girls, but the wolf recognizes you and is satisfied. That has never happened. The wolf and I have divided my body and shared the spoils, but we have never agreed in choices. You've brought us together in fraught accord and love-- if you leave, there is nothing.
I wanted to be a stronger man, one who could delineate the boundaries between right and wrong and stand firmly on the side of light. I wanted to be principled and knighted. It is like asking a dog to name colors.
If you are ever disappointed in the choices I make and the compromises I've negotiated, I beg you-- remember that I tried. The effort means nothing to you, but I fought it all my life and was tired of wandering without sleep.
Yours,
RJ Lupin