Hot Tub Fun
Title: Hot Tub Fun
Pairing: Barney/Ted
Summary: How it really happened hot tub scene, turned into how it should have happened...First How I Met Your Mother Fic, Please Enjoy
“So…” Ted said.
“So…” Came Barney’s reply.
Ted tapped his hands on the side of the hot tub. “We’re both naked.” Ted shifted awkwardly.
“Yes we are.” Barney turned his head away, attempting to hide his awkwardness with nonchalance.
Ted blew out through his lips, both men looking in opposite directions. Suddenly Barney took a deep breath and turned to face his best friend, and fellow naked man. “Listen Ted it looks like things are going in the direction where we’re going to be having sex in front of each other so I need to prepare you for a couple things.”
Ted’s brain froze. He blinked. Once. Twice. “Uhhm...” he paused, shifting in his seat, mind stuck on the sheer awkwardness of sitting next to Barney alone, both of them buck naked. “Actually, it’s a pretty big apartment there seem to be a lot of rooms so I don’t think we’ll necessar-”
Barney cut him off, “I will be making lots of animal noises.”
Ted stared, lips pursed, mind blank once more, as he blinked a third time. He prayed fervently in his mind “Please G-d, I know I don’t pray that often, but my cousin Stacy sure prays enough for the world, that maybe this one time you could actually- you know- listen to me… anyways, please, dear Lord, please make him shut up, before I end up doing something stupid…err… Amen.”
“I may have her call me names. I may call her names.” Barney continued, apparently unabashed, staring straight at Ted.
Ted shifted and scratched his cheek, “Okay…” he began before being cut off again, and as Barney continued to speak Ted could only think “I hate you, G-d, because you obviously hate me…”
“There may be some very, very heavy breathing; and if not, umm… choking.” Barney shrugged his shoulder at that last comment and raised his arms.
Ted could only stare at the water droplets running down Barney’s chest. Shaking his head mentally to snap himself out of it. Ted thought, “If G-d won’t shut him up, I’m going to have to… now what shuts Barney up…… ooh, I know- alcohol.” And with that thought Ted leaned over so he could look around Barney, “Okay, I really wish they’d come back with that tequila.”
“Ted, I am now going to tell you my safe word…” Ted’s eyebrows shot up as Barney rubbed his nipples. “Okay so alcohol didn’t work and I can’t start talking about sex, because that’s what I want him to stop talking about… so what to do… what to do to get Barney to shut the hell up!”
“Banana.” Barney finished his previous statement. This caused Ted to look away as he thought of the implications of exactly what Barney was saying. He shuddered a bit and then shifted awkwardly once more, desperately trying to think of a way to shut Barney up.
Barney of course didn’t pause in his speech, “Unless, of course, we’re using an actual banana,” here Barney made a thrusting motion with his hand that sent Ted’s imagination into overdrive, as Barney kept talking, “ In which case then my safe word will be plantain.”
It was at this precise moment Ted knew how to solve both of his problems, in a way Barney would never expect.
As Barney opened his mouth to continue his diatribe on his sexual predilections, Ted cut Barney off again. This time though instead of talking, Ted leaned towards Barney, and grabbed his shoulders. Barney’s face grew confused in that split second Ted paused, and then was shocked as Ted leaned in further and crushed his mouth against Barney’s.
Barney’s arms flailed wildly at first, but Ted kept a tight, almost bruising, grip on his friend’s shoulders. Slowly Barney relaxed, and brought his hands to rest on Ted’s chest. Ted slowly loosened his grip on Barney’s shoulders, only to wrap his arms around Barney’s neck, slightly tilting his head.
The crushing, struggling kiss relaxed even further as Barney wrapped his arms around Ted’s waist, hand’s lowering to faintly skim Ted’s bottom. Ted’s left hand gripped Barney’s hair as his right clasped the back of his neck. It was at this point that Ted felt Barney bite his bottom lip sharply, causing Ted to open his mouth as he felt the sting.
Barney, of course, took advantage of this and quickly slipped his tongue into Ted’s mouth, as his hands rubbed up and down Ted’s naked sides. The two drew together, closer than they’d ever really been before- tongues tangled, sides heaving as they drew heated breaths, arms wrapped around there flushed chests, erections rubbing painfully against the other.
Slowly Ted drew back. Eyes locked with Barney’s, in between gasps he managed to say, “Now that… you’ve fin… ally shut… up… We ought… to get out… of here… before… those girls… come back.”
Barney merely nodded his head before saying, “…My place… or… yours?”
Ted thought briefly before shrugging, and answered with a brief, “Yours.”
The two jumped out of the hot tub, and dressed quickly and haphazardly while staring at the other, eyes never leaving the other’s body. After they were both reasonably dressed: Ted in his jeans, sans boxers, and inside out t-shirt, and Barney’s suit jacket. Barney in his pants and tie, and Ted’s unbuttoned over shirt; Ted grabbed Barney’s hand and the two took off, without looking back.
Ted had a brief moment to think how lucky it was they were on the ground floor, before they reached the street and Barney raised an arm to hail a cab back to his apartment. Ted turned to Barney, right as the cab pulled up by them, and leaned over to whisper breathily into Barney’s ear…
“What was that safe word again?”
Barney’s eyebrows practically disappeared into his hairline, and his eyes widened dramatically as he turned to stare at Ted, mouth opened slightly, before he bodily shoving Ted into the cab, and practically leaping in on top of him. Ted could only think, “Thank you G-d, that he shut up, and that my idea worked… Marvelously I might add.” Ted’s next thought’s were rather disjointed as Barney quickly gave the cabbie instructions, before occupying both his and Ted’s mouth’s with a more… enjoyable… pastime.
As the cab pulled up in front of Barney’s building, they broke apart long enough for Barney to toss the cabbie a hundred and scramble out of the cab. As the cabbie peeled away, and the two headed up towards Barney’s apartment, Ted pulled away to speak once more, as they rode upwards in the elevator.
“Oh and Barney, no animal noises this time, okay?”