Breaking Bad Fic: I.F.J., Part 2
See Part 1 for header.
They spent ten minutes making out on the bed, with no attempts to escalate things, before Jesse started getting impatient and fidgety and it became clear that any second he was going to pull away.
The problem was that neither of them really knew what to do with their hands. They'd progressed from standing to sitting to laying down without finding anything that felt comfortable; even the most careful, tentative touches made them both tense up, and after a couple awkward pauses and half-formed apologies, they'd both kind of given up.
The anxiety added something, he had to admit. It might have been different if the uncertainty was paired with something cold or empty or unpleasant, but kissing Jesse had turned out to be none of those things. At first they'd been at an equal loss as to what to do with their mouths, but then Jesse had allowed Walt take the lead. He'd licked lightly along Jesse's lower lip, Jesse had opened his mouth to him, and the buzz of arousal had bloomed almost immediately; his cock had twitched and started to stiffen, his palms had grown sweaty, and his breathing had grown shallow. And he could tell that Jesse was feeling it, too; every failed attempt to increase their physical contact led to a small sound of frustration, and an increasing number of seconds of especially aggressive kissing. He'd knocked their teeth together a few times, and twice nipped Walt's lip hard enough to hurt.
So, yeah, there was something about their confusion that added to the intensity. But that didn't make the fact that they'd stalled out any less annoying, and he wasn't surprised when Jesse started easing back, putting some time between kisses, until he finally pulled away completely.
“Mr. White, this is nice and all,” and he must have seen something unanticipated float into Walt's face, because he instantly added, “no, seriously, but-”
“But you're getting bored.” It sounded accusatory, and once it was out, he didn't know why he'd said it.
Jesse looked annoyed. “What, I'm not showing enough interest for you?”
“I didn't-”
“I'm doing my best, alright? So what the hell's your problem, anyway? Are you out of practice? Or is it 'cuz you're old? I mean, does it just take you that long to get it up?”
Walt's hand bolted out to seize Jesse's wrist, and roughly pinned Jesse's hand against the bulge in the front of his pants. Jesse's eyes widened, and he exhaled thinly through his nose, but after a reflexive twitch, he didn't pull away. He looked pointedly at Walt and molded his hand around Walt's clothed erection. Walt felt it swell further, and was momentarily dizzy.
“So that's not the problem,” Jesse said slyly, and gave Walt a little squeeze. He shifted his eyes away briefly when he did it, though, and had had to deliberately unclench his jaw before he'd spoken. When he looked at Walt again, and gave him what was clearly meant to be a playful smirk, there was something off about it. There was a brief, unsettling flicker of...something behind his eyes, and then they unfocused, not really looking at Walt at all.
Ashamed at himself for his aggression, and horrified and aroused in equal measure at the idea of Jesse pretending for him, Walt quickly withdrew his hand. Given the opportunity, though, Jesse didn't retreat, and Walt immediately refocused.
“What about you?” he asked Jesse softly. With an ease that felt unreal, he cupped Jesse's cock through his pants. Jesse made a soft noise in the back of his throat and pressed closer.
“Hey, this is your show, man,” he said mildly. “I was waiting for you to get your shit together.”
“Oh, right. You're clearly totally fine. I'm the only nervous one here.”
Jesse looked amused; it was a warmer expression than before. “You're nervous, Mr. White?” He gave Walt another small squeeze, seemingly without any lingering hesitancy or discomfort, and slipped his other hand under Walt's arm to rest against his ribs. He unwittingly grazed his thumb against the scar from Walt's surgery, and Walt flinched a little out of habit, though it didn't actually hurt anymore; the tenderness had been gone for weeks. Jesse noticed his reaction, and his eyes clouded with puzzlement and concern.
Walt gave him a reassuring smile, and slid his hand away from Jesse's groin, around his hip to his ass. Then he used his grip to pull Jesse against him, trapping Jesse's hand between them.
“What do I have to be nervous about?” he murmured close to Jesse's ear. “I get to do what I want with you.” He flicked his tongue against Jesse's earlobe, and then scrubbed his goatee over it as he stretched his neck to kiss Jesse's temple. He felt Jesse shiver, and he exhaled sharply through his nose and shut his eyes. He dragged his beard back down over Jesse's ear and along his jaw, and then affixed his mouth to Jesse's neck. Jesse tipped his head to give him better access, and, with effort, he extracted his hand from between their bodies to run both of them up Walt's chest, to the top button of his shirt.
Walt answered by gliding his hand up under Jesse's shirt, first in the back, and around to the front, pushing it up. He rolled the two of them over a little, moving Jesse from his side to his back and settling over him, and pulled his mouth away from Jesse's neck just long enough to encourage Jesse to sit up a little and allow him to strip his shirt off and toss it away. Jesse succeeded in getting Walt's shirt unbuttoned a short moment later, but Walt halted any effort to remove it or his undershirt as he shifted his attention to Jesse's chest.
He ran his palms up over his ribs, sliding them back down to settle at Jesse's hips while he nibbled at his collarbone, kissed along his silly tattoo, licked long the length of his sternum, and then, poised for Jesse's reaction, flicked his tongue over his nipple. Jesse rewarded him with a choked gasp and an involuntary twitch of his hips, and so Walt made a more dedicated effort, laving his tongue over it heavily, then giving it a few light licks. He moved to the other, circled it with his tongue, and then closed his lips over it and sucked. Jesse moaned, arched his back, and, when Walt closed his teeth over it lightly, muttered a fuck, Mr. White that shattered Walt's patience.
He moved to undo Jesse's pants, and Jesse shoved Walt's shirt off his shoulders and down his arms. Once Jesse's pants were open, Walt stripped the shirt off. He started to drag Jesse's pants down, but he didn't cooperate and lift his hips. Instead, he seized the hem of Walt's undershirt and started to lift it up, and Walt's hands stuttered to an awkward halt. He kept his arms down at his sides, blocking Jesse's efforts, and paused.
Jesse chuffed a small laugh. “Come on, Mr. White, how many times have you stripped in front of me by now?” He slid his hands up under Walt's shirt to explore his chest, traced his fingers teasingly over Walt's nipples, and waited for Walt to give in to him. It didn't take long; after a handful of seconds, Walt stripped the shirt off himself, settled back against Jesse, skin to skin, and claimed his mouth again.
Jesse let his tongue play lazily against Walt's and brought his hands down to begin clumsily working his belt open. Once he had it undone and Walt's pants unbuttoned, he stopped, made a vague encouraging sound, and scratched his nails along Walt's sides. Walt got it; they were even again, and that meant it was Walt's move.
Walt sat up and finished the job on Jesse's pants, this time with Jesse's assistance. He got them down to Jesse's ankles, and Jesse kicked them off the rest of the way, along with his shoes and socks. Once they were gone, Jesse reached for Walt's pants again, but Walt stopped him. His attention was captured by the sight of Jesse's cock tenting out the fabric of his boxers. He dragged his hand over it, felt a damp spot where Jesse must have been leaking precome for a while, and suddenly the offer he'd earlier considered making to Jesse had an appeal as something more than just a means to an end. In something of a daze, he lowered his face to Jesse's crotch and mouthed wetly at the head of his cock through the cloth. Jesse's hips jerked violently, and when Walt tipped his eyes up toward his face, Jesse looked utterly and completely shocked...and not exactly pleased. Walt pulled back, unsure and a little irritated.
“Is something wrong?” he asked, and wasn't quite able to keep his impatience out of his voice.
Jesse had to blink and refocus before he could answer. His chest rose and fell with his heavy breathing, and Walt acted without thought on his impulse to rest his hand against Jesse's breastbone and feel his ribcage expand and contract. Jesse seemed to take it as a gesture of comfort or concern despite Walt's tone, and offered him a shaky smile.
“I just...didn't think you'd do that.” He paused, then continued, sounding somehow defensive, “You don't have to.”
Walt stared at him briefly, then shook his head. “Christ.”
“What?” Jesse demanded.
“Are you worried about what you'll owe me if I do it?”
“I won't owe you shit, yo. I just don't want you to forget what I actually want out of this.”
Walt sighed. “Fine. Let's just get on with it, then.”
Jesse eyed him warily. He opened his mouth to speak, and Walt sensed it was going to be some kind of apology. Instead he shook his head, and then said, “Okay.”
Walt returned his hands to Jesse's boxers, and roughly tugged them down. Jesse inhaled sharply when his cock sprung free, but Walt made no move to touch him. Once Jesse's underwear were off and tossed aside, Walt backed away from him, sat up to pull off his shoes and socks, and stripped his own pants off. Then he searched around the floor for the bottle of lotion, which had fallen off the bed at some unknown point since they'd gotten started.
He found it, picked it up, and got it open, and then told Jesse to turn over. Jesse let out a ragged breath and squirmed, but didn't obey. He looked at Walt with wide, apprehensive eyes, and bit his lip.
Walt cocked an eyebrow at him. “I thought you said this was no big deal.”
Jesse glared.
“Alright, fine. We'll do it this way.” He set the bottle aside, and grabbed Jesse's ankles, made Jesse bend his knees and plant his feet on the bed, and then spread them further apart. Jesse broke his glare to close his eyes, and his breathing got faster. Walt looked at his flushed, pinched face, and felt his cock jerk.
“It's okay, Jesse.”
“Yeah, whatever.” Despite his dismissal, though, Walt saw him loosen a little, and swallowed hard.
“Trust me, okay? I'm not going to hurt you.”
Jesse made a barely audible, whimpery sound in the back of his throat, and then opened his eyes and glared harder at Walt than before. “Alright, I said. God. Fucking get on with it already.” Something indeterminable flickered through his eyes and he averted them and then closed them again.
Walt paused to consider that reaction for a second, and then pushed the thought away. “Suit yourself.” He snatched up the bottle again, squeezed some lotion out onto his fingers, and immediately dipped his hand down to slide along Jesse's perineum to his asshole.
Jesse flinched. “Jesus, that's cold.”
“Don't be a baby.”
“I'm not. Dickwad.”
Walt ignored him, circled his finger around Jesse's entrance, and then pushed inside. Jesse gasped and lifted his hips, but settled pretty quickly.
“Okay?”
“Yeah, I'm good.” He sounded much less querulous now, but not exactly calm, and Walt set a soothing hand on his stomach as he started to work the finger deeper into him. He stroked his thumb over the head of Jesse's cock, and felt the muscles in his abdomen flutter. It made him smile.
He let Jesse get used to a single finger moving in and out of him, and as he waited for him to relax, he found himself once again overwhelmed by an inexplicable desire to use his mouth on him.
He wondered if he could make him beg. The thought sent a jolt to his groin, made him aware that his cock was throbbing painfully now, and as he began to press the second finger into Jesse, he scooted back on the bed. He leaned down, scrubbed his goatee lightly over Jesse's balls, licked up along his length, and took Jesse into his mouth. Jesse bucked up in surprise, and when he eased himself down, Walt sunk his fingers into him all the way and crooked them, hit just the right spot and made Jesse buck up again and choke out a rushed ohfuck.
Walt hummed his amusement, which made Jesse groan, and scissored his fingers, opening him up. At the same time, he applied more suction, took Jesse a little deeper, and then pulled back to lap lazily at his glans. Jesse was taking high whistling breaths through his nose. He lifted his hips, thrust up, looking for more contact, and then back, forcing Walt's fingers deeper into him. Walt inhaled sharply, closed his mouth around Jesse again, and started to work a third finger into him.
Jesse sucked in air over his teeth and froze, and Walt stilled his hand, and made a vague soothing noise around Jesse's cock that made Jesse whimper. He took Jesse as deep as he could, and when Jesse lifted his hips in response, Walt thrust his fingers in the rest of the way and then froze again. He pulled back, mouthed at Jesse's balls, ran his tongue up and down his length, and let Jesse adjust. Then he crooked his fingers again. Jesse arched his back and gasped harshly, and Walt pressed a kiss to Jesse's hip, sat up, and withdrew his hand.
Jesse panted and looked up at Walt with amazement and, underneath it, a hint of suspicion. Walt looked away to hide his sudden annoyance, and finally, with a helpless groan, stripped off his briefs. He felt Jesse's eyes on him and looked back at his face; his expression was bland, and he shifted his eyes back up to meet Walt's. The distrust had disappeared, but in its place came that same assessing look that had bothered Walt in the car-trying to figure something out.
This time he couldn't ignore it. “Is there a problem?”
Jesse gave an incredulous snort, and rolled his eyes. “What, you do that and I'm not allowed to be curious?”
“Curious about what?”
Jesse paused, and then shook his head. “Nothing. Whatever. We ready to do this?”
“Yeah.” He found the lotion bottle again, squeezed some into his hand, and started to spread it over his cock. His eyes shut involuntary at the contact.
“How do you want me?” Jesse asked him, and Walt let out a shuddery breath and had to still his hand.
He took a moment to consider. After a second a memory came to him: his first time with Skyler after he'd started cooking. He felt a moment of bitter satisfaction. “On your side.”
Jesse shifted into position, and Walt settled himself behind him. He lifted Jesse's thigh with one hand, and used the other to line himself up.
“Relax,” he murmured into Jesse's ear, and then pushed in.
Jesse gave a few pained gasps but made no complaints as Walt breached him, and then the pressure was shocking, the need to move unendurable, and he quickly thrust in all the way. Jesse yelped, and Walt, on instinct, started to withdraw.
“Wait, wait, just stop a second,” Jesse said, and Walt, in a clumsy attempt to stop what his hips were already doing, ended up pushing forward again.
“Hey!” Jesse objected loudly, his voice giving a reedy crack. He clenched painfully around him, and Walt hissed and struggled to hold himself still.
Jesse took a few deep breaths, and Walt waited. He pressed his mouth to the back of Jesse's neck, and Jesse flinched. Then he said, low and bitter, “You said you weren't gonna hurt me.”
The lack of force behind the words somehow let them penetrate deeper, and Walt felt a brief chill. He didn't reply. Jesse waited a few more seconds, and then sighed. “Okay.”
Walt pulled back slowly, pushed back in. Jesse gave another little hiss, and Walt stopped again, but Jesse made a vague sound of negation, and Walt took it-correctly, Jesse's reaction indicated-as permission to continue. He kept moving in long, slow, gentle thrusts, and it felt wrong in this position- this wasn't how it had gone with Skyler all those months ago-but he gritted his teeth and held himself back.
Holding Jesse's leg up became a challenge, and he let it go. Jesse shifted his hips to try to find a way to keep his legs spread without too much effort, and the change in the angle allowed Walt to brush over his prostate gland. Jesse moaned and pushed back against him, and Walt repeated the motion, again and again, slow at first and then faster, trying to make it consistent. Jesse let out a choked sound with every thrust, and after a short while it turned into words-yeah, fuck, fuck, please.
Walt groaned. “Please what, Jesse?”
“Come on, harder.”
Walt gripped Jesse's hip and gave an especially forceful thrust, and Jesse loosed an ohfuckyes and wrapped his hand around his cock. Walt upped his pace.
“Keep talking, Jesse,” he panted, and nipped lightly at Jesse's shoulder.
Jesse whined, took in a gulp of air, and started babbling. “Yeah, God, fuck, Mr. White, just like that, come on, shit, so good, please.” He kept it up, jerking himself off almost frantically. Walt felt him shudder, and his voice sounded strangled and he said, “Oh shit, Mr. White, fuck, fuck yeah, I'm gonna, I'm-” and then Walt felt him clench with shocking force, spasming for several seconds, freezing Walt in place. The second Jesse started to unfurl, Walt thrust as deep as he could, pulled back, did it once more, and came.
Almost as overwhelming as the pleasure was the sudden feeling of triumph.
************
Walt's instinct was to stay put until they were both recovered, but it wasn't long before holding Jesse against his chest made him feel overheated and uncomfortable-sticky, actually-so he scooted away and flopped down onto his back. Jesse opted to take the opposite tack, and eased himself down onto his stomach, face turned toward Walt.
“You're going to make a mess of the bedspread,” Walt observed idly, and Jesse offered him a smile that was almost dazzling in its honest sweetness. Walt smiled back, but it seemed insufficient, and so after a few seconds' struggle, he got himself back onto his side, and stroked his hand gently down Jesse's back.
“Did you like that?”
Jesse squinted at him. “You need me to say it?”
“It'd be nice. You know, if it's not too much effort for you.”
“Screw you.”
“Fine. Forget it.”
“Hey, no,” Jesse objected. “I did. I mean, you know I did.”
“Good.”
“What about you?”
“Did I like it? Of course.”
“Well, yeah, no shit. I mean, did...did it, you know, help?”
“I think so.”
“Okay. Good.”
They were quiet for a moment, and then Walt chuckled. Jesse raised his eyebrows in a question, and Walt decided to share. “I'm thinking about telling her.”
“Uh, why?”
“Just trying to imagine her reaction.”
Jesse gave him a sad little smile. “She'd probably laugh at you.”
Walt was surprised at the echo of his own thought. “You think so?”
“Well, yeah. I mean, it might piss her off, because she hates me and because she'd have to wonder about what we've been doing together this whole time, like you said, but, seriously? She screwed her boss. You screwed some loser junkie.” There was no venom in his self-recrimination.
“Well, but you're young. Attractive. A former student. I think it might hit on some of her insecurities.”
“Maybe if you only told her that part.” Silence, and then, “Maybe you shoulda found someone like that.”
Walt didn't answer.
“You shouldn't tell her. Jesus, you shouldn't of even done this.” He rubbed at his eye.
Anger flooded his mind, narrowed his eyes and tightened his jaw. “If you're so sure this was a bad idea, why didn't you say so?”
“Um, I did. You said you didn't want my advice.”
“Okay, fine. So why didn't you just say no?”
“Whoa, whoa, hey, that's like...massively unfair.”
“How do you figure?”
“Come on, for real? Are you seriously trying to say that I, like, took advantage of you? So you're saying you're so fucked in the head you can't make your own decisions now? 'Cuz if that's the case, maybe I shoulda stopped you when you first said you wanted to cook.”
“That's not-”
Jesse interrupted him. “Why not? Why is that different? And, yo, what would you of done if I said no, huh? I was already your plan B. What was plan C?”
“Are you actually trying to tell me that you agreed to this to keep me from doing something even crazier?”
“Pretty much, yeah.”
“You're so full of shit, Jesse.”
“Fuck you.”
“You did this to get something from me and you know it. Where the hell do you get the nerve to act like you were being selfless? I mean, do you even...Are you even capable of that?”
“I ain't saying I was being selfless. Jesus Christ, I'm just saying I was worried about you.”
“I don't need you to worry about me.”
“Fine. Whatever.” He turned his face away.
Walt weighed his options, wondering what there was to do now if they were just going to argue. Then he let his hand slide along Jesse's back again. Jesse rolled his head back in Walt's direction, and Walt leaned in and kissed him on the corner of his mouth.
“You're right.” About what, he couldn't specify.
“Damn straight.” He looked at Walt for a moment, and then his lips quirked.
“What?”
“So if you did tell her...”
“I'm not going to.”
“No, I know. Just, if you did-”
“If I did, what?”
“What would you actually say?”
“I don't imagine she'd actually want to listen to the details.”
“Broad strokes, then.”
“What are you getting at, Jesse?”
“Nothing. I'm just...speculating. Like, would you want her to think it was all romantic and shit? Or that I, I don't know, ripped your clothes off in a fit of passion?”
Walt gave in. “What would you suggest?”
Jesse flashed a brief grin. “Well, which would make her more jealous? The idea that we're in love? Or the idea that it's way, way hotter with me than with her? And is it more important that she thinks I want you, or that she thinks you want me?”
Walt smiled a little. “Okay, here's the story.” He made sure he had Jesse's attention before going on. “You've been in love with me this whole time.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yes. You had a crush on me when I was your teacher.”
“Ugh. Like anyone would ever believe that.”
“Quiet. So, I was aware of your feelings, and I'd considered giving you what you wanted since we partnered up, but never seriously. Not because I wasn't interested, but because I wasn't about to commit adultery.”
“I get it; you want her to think you could have been cheating this whole time, but you weren't, because you're the good guy.”
“Right, right. Good.” Jesse smiled, and Walt leaned in and kissed him again.
“So you came to me after she told you about fucking her boss. Did I talk you into fucking me, or did you make the first move?”
“Hmm. I made the first move, and then changed my mind, and you talked me back into it.”
“Okay. Sounds good. I mean, not only is it bullshit, yo, it's obviously bullshit, but I like it.”
“Do you have something better?”
“Not really.”
“Well, what if it were you?”
“What if what were me?”
“What if you were the one leaving here with a story to tell someone?”
Instantly, Jesse's face clouded over again, and as Walt saw something slam shut behind his eyes, he cursed himself for poking that sore spot once more. Goddamn Jane.
“I don't know,” Jesse muttered, and then flipped himself inelegantly over onto his back. “I should probably get you back to your car.” He started to sit up, and Walt experienced a moment of unaccountable panic-No, wait, stop-and couldn't hold himself back from carrying out the absurd impulse to push Jesse back down.
“Um, what the fuck?” Jesse balked, and Walt didn't know what to say, so he just moved, shifted closer to Jesse, leaned over him, and kissed him-on the mouth, the cheek, the tip of his nose, the line of his jaw, back to his mouth. Jesse stayed frozen for several seconds, but then he grinned, and pushed playfully at Walt's chest.
“Okay, okay, Jesus.”
Walt grinned back and didn't let up, refocusing his attention on Jesse's mouth. He nipped lightly at his lower lip, sucked at the place he'd bitten, licked along the top one, and kissed him over and over. Jesse laughed, turned his face away, kissed back with his mouth stubbornly shut, and then, finally, bit hard at Walt's lip.
“Ow, dammit!”
“That's right, bitch. That's what you get.” He gave Walt a devilish smile that gradually softened into something else. “You don't wanna go home yet, huh?”
“I just didn't realize you were in such a hurry.”
“Uh, nuh-uh, that's not fair. We're done.”
“Are we?” Jesse cocked his eyebrow questioningly, and Walt offered him a smirk of his own, attached his mouth to a spot on Jesse's jaw just below his ear, and then slid his hand down Jesse's chest- grazing his fingers over a nipple on the way-and over the concavity of his stomach to his groin, where he let his hand rest heavily against Jesse's cock. He felt it twitch against his palm. Jesse's breathing stuttered, and Walt chuckled into his ear and wrapped his fingers around him.
“Are we done, Jesse?”
“I-ohfuck...”
“Come on, Jesse, answer me.” He gave Jesse's cock a light squeeze, and swept his thumb over the head. Jesse gasped and bucked up.
“Maybe...shit...maybe we shouldn't.”
Walt was surprised, and froze briefly. Then he laughed.
“It's a little late for that,” he whispered, and grazed his beard over the shell of Jesse's ear. “Besides, you don't really want me to stop, do you?”
For a few seconds Walt believed he'd won, and the ease of it all was actually as disappointing as it was tremendously thrilling. But then Jesse gave a sound of bitter frustration, and grabbed Walt's wrist to pull his hand off of him. Walt immediate reaction to having his hand pulled away was to grasp more tightly. He caught himself before he could hurt Jesse, and broke Jesse's grip so he could lift his hand off of him on his own. He let it settle on his thigh instead.
“Wait,” Jesse croaked. He took a deep breath. “Yeah. Fuck. We can't.”
Walt took a moment to determine if Jesse was being totally serious, and when he discovered that he was, he released an enormous, aggrieved sigh, and immediately felt sheepish.
“Oh, shut up. Like you're the one who's gonna end up with blue balls here.”
“Then why stop me?”
“It would be different. I mean, right? Wasn't this just supposed to be a one-time thing?”
“It still is one time.” He could hardly believe the defensive note he heard in his own voice. This was ridiculous. “Maybe we were just taking a break.”
“Seriously? That makes no sense.”
“Oh, right, I forgot: you're the reasonable one here.”
“Uh, right now, I am.” He took a calming breath, and lowered his voice. “Look, Mr. White, we already did what we were supposed to do, right? If we do anything else...I just mean...like, is this really what you want? For real? I mean, forget that you completely lost your mind or whatever and actually think about this.”
“Jesus Christ, Jesse, I just...”
“Just what? Seriously, yo, do you actually wanna have, like, an affair...like, with me? I mean, was this actually about me and not your wife or your pride or whatever the whole time?”
“No.” No.
“Okay. Good. So let's just stick to the deal, then, if this isn't what you want.”
Walt cocked his head curiously. “What do you want?”
“Uh, honestly?” He stopped and looked at Walt, actually awaiting permission to speak. Walt nodded, and Jesse answered, “I want you to quit stalling and hold up your end of the deal.”
“Oh.” It stunned him, and he immediately grew annoyed with himself for getting off-track. “Right.” He pulled his hand away from Jesse's thigh, and shifted away from him. “So, what? You want to go out and cook right now? Show me your process?”
Jesse considered, and then gave Walt a soft, fond smile. “Nah, not yet.” He closed some of the distance between them that Walt had created. “Just tell me about the distributor guy.”
Walt told him what he knew about Gus. When Jesse asked him how he should go about making the deal, Walt paused. He weighed his promise to help against the desire to simply placate Jesse and save himself the trouble, weighed his irritation at being redirected against a reluctance to genuinely hurt Jesse, and decided to just come out and say it. “He won't make a deal with you. He doesn't like you.”
“Doesn't like me? He never fucking met me.”
“He saw you show up to that meeting in the restaurant late and high, and he didn't want to work with you. With us. I had to talk him into it.”
“But...I mean, I'm clean now. He can check if he wants.”
“I doubt that'll convince him.”
“So, wait...then how did you talk him into working with us?”
“I told him he wouldn't have to deal with you.” He paused while Jesse muttered Jesus and shook his head. “And I told him that I trusted you.”
Jesse met his eyes wonderingly. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. And I told him that you do what I say.”
Jesse frowned. “Wait, what? You told him that?”
The sudden shift in attitude had Walt struggling to catch up. “What now?”
“Is that what you think? That I just do whatever you tell me? I mean, is that...God, is that what you think just happened?”
“No. Christ. Believe me, Jesse, I have no illusions about your ability to carry out my instructions.”
“Oh, right, so, if I don't do what you say I'm an idiot who fucks everything up, but if I do do what you say, I'm just...your minion, or something.”
“I didn't say that.”
“Whatever, man. So what the hell am I supposed to do, if he hates me and doesn't think I can work without you? I mean, can you change his mind?”
“No, Jesse. Absolutely not. He and I are done.” He didn't add that that was solely his doing, and that Gus would likely take a meeting with him without hesitation-might even agree to buy from Jesse if Walt insisted, just on the chance of getting him to take the deal he'd offered.
He was out. He'd decided. If three million dollars wasn't worth getting back in, Jesse's future prospects in the business weren't even worth giving it a second's thought.
“Yo, we had a deal; you were gonna set up a meet.”
“I can't. It wouldn't do any good, anyway, believe me. Saul can do it.”
“But, what if he won't meet with me?”
“I don't know. Make him. Prove him wrong. Show him the product.”
“Okay. Right. Yeah, so, it has to be perfect, right?”
“Or damn close.”
“So...how do I fix it? I mean, can you figure it out if I just tell you, or would you need to watch?”
“Let's try it the first way for now.” Given the quality of Jesse's cook, though, he knew he wouldn't be able to isolate any mistakes just from Jesse's description of the process. If there were actual corrections to be made, they were infinitesimal.
When Jesse was done talking, Walt sighed. “I don't know, Jesse. It sounds like you did everything right.” He thought Jesse might appreciate the praise, but he just looked disappointed.
“So...will you watch me cook, then?”
Walt's head swam. For a moment he couldn't reply. He was taken aback by the suddenly blossoming awareness that this was actually the key moment in this entire half-assed plan. If asked, he would have said that he hadn't really thought this far ahead.
“I don't think that'll be necessary,” he said carefully.
“What? What are you talking about? Are you...yo, are you trying to screw me?”
“No.” The accusation temporary deflated his growing sense of pleasure in his own magnanimity, but after a moment's recalculation, it added to it, instead.
This was for the best. Both of them were going to get what they really wanted. If Jesse didn't appreciate it...well, then, that just proved how little Walt owed him in the first place, and how generous he was really being.
“Mr. White, seriously, what are you talking about?”
“There's nothing wrong with your meth, Jesse. It's fine. It's great, in fact.”
“But...you said...”
His confusion was almost endearing, and Walt smiled faintly. “I know what I said. I was wrong, okay? It was sour grapes, I guess.” He paused, reaching for the right degree of conviction, then finished, “If I'm being honest with you, your meth is good, Jesse. As good as mine.”
He watched Jesse light up as anticipated, and felt a swelling sense of satisfaction.
It really did feel good, to give like that. To give not only the validation, but the work, his formula-to offer Jesse the chance to take it from him, and to take credit for it. It proved something-hell, proved everything. Everything he knew about himself that Skyler refused to understand.
But Jesse's delight was short-lived. Some switch went either on or off behind his eyes, and he put his hands to his face and muttered, “Oh my God.”
“What?” He aimed for casualness, but couldn't keep the worried edge out of his voice.
“You are such an asshole.” Walt could only goggle at him, and Jesse went on. “You totally played me, yo. You got what you want, and I didn't get anything.” He gave a bitter laugh. “You fucked me twice. I guess you were right.”
“Right about what?” It didn't seem worth the effort to argue. He was annoyed at Jesse's ingratitude, but it didn't change anything.
“I guess I do do whatever you say.” He turned to give Walt a querying look. “How do you do that? I gotta learn how to do that.”
Walt didn't answer.
“So, I guess we're done here.” He got up, gathered his clothes, and went into the bathroom. Walt lay back and listened to the sound of running water, and let his mind wander.
He felt good. He felt right.
Jesse came out of the bathroom dressed and ready to go. He put his hand on the knob of the room's main door, and then stopped, and sighed wearily. He looked back at Walt over his shoulder.
“You think you can get back to your car okay? I mean, I guess I can wait around and drive you back if you need me to, but...”
“I'll be fine, thanks.”
Jesse nodded. “Okay. Um. Good luck, I guess. Have a nice life.”
“You, too, Jesse.”
Jesse paused a moment longer, as if expecting something more. Walt just waited. Jesse stayed put for a few more seconds, and then opened the door and exited the room.
Walt looked at the door for a brief while. Then he got himself up.
As he got cleaned up and dressed, he found himself humming. He was excited to get home.