The usual...update with rant.
Let me just preface this by saying that I know I hardly ever type happy entries anymore. It sucks and I wish it weren't that way, but right now I am hardly in a happy place in my life. Even though I should be. After all, I have all I ever wanted.
So to save your friends page and to save your good mood if you are already in one, I am Well, I went to Texas for four weeks. Because of Ike, I couldn't fly straight into Houston as anticipated, and had to reroute my flight through Charlotte, NC and fly into Austin. This worked out great because my best friends live in Austin and I spent a week or so visiting with them before they drove me down to Brownsville to be with my family. I had a really good time in Austin. Karlo was so tired that finally, he slept. The whole week, every night through. I was seriously shocked. He even took naps. I thought my sleep luck had finally changed. I got to do some shopping at favorite stores, etc. My friends all made the effort to see me, and even though I was still paranoid about getting enough sleep myself (I was always worried that Karlo would wake up at some point in the night) I still managed to stay up late some nights and see people that I hadn't seen in a few years. So then, the drive home. At some point here, everything started to change. Karlo was naturally fussy in the car on the way home, but that was his longest time ever in a carseat and he was still really tired. And not used to having to fall asleep in the carseat. Normally, I am holding him or rocking him...probably the source of my problems. Anyway, I get to Brownsville and the first day my friends go to Mexico. I opt not to go, just because I am not too keen on taking my tiny white bundle of joy to Mexico. My family is also MIA that first day because my mom has to work and so does my dad. I go to bed kind of early, and missed my cousin's super white trash wedding. Bummer, but I was waiting on my friends to get back from Mexico. Eventually they show up half drunk, so it was useless to go anywhere. Besides that, Karlo was asleep. I was staying at my sisters house, and let me just say, while I understand having a messy house when you have a baby, her house was beyond messy to the point of being gross. I had to do a lot of cleaning. And that was pretty much my job the whole time I was there. She never lifted a finger, although I noticed that her new baby was really good, hardly fussed and she had a lot of time on her hands to do nothing. Well, to make a long story about Texas short, I had fun, but I was really disappointed. My son, after the first week, was back to his old non sleeping ways, and I was now really all alone. Luckily, my sister wasn't using the room where she had set up her baby's crib, she was cosleeping and so I was using that room as mine, and Karlo was sleeping in his own bed, when he slept, or he slept with me. But slowly I realized he didn't want to sleep with me at all. I went a lot of days while I was there with only 3 or 4 hours of sleep. My family just kept asking me what the problem was, and I was like, if I knew, there wouldn't be a problem. Overall, they were not very understanding of my son's need for naps, and wanted me to meet for lunch or dinner. No one would come and visit me where I was staying, at least, that happened rarely. I came to realize at the end of my time there that my family and friends were not there for me anymore. Especially on the last day when I could hardly pack because my son was so high needs. My mom tried to help the day before but kept calling me from what I was doing to ask me stupid questions like, is Karlo hungry. My dad wouldn't come over that last night for dinner because he felt he would rather stay home and drink. The realization of my being totally alone was slowly surfacing. All the while I kept talking to my husband on the phone and he kept saying how he missed me, and how he would help me when I came back. I hoped that was true. He was supposed to spend the weeks while I was gone working on his 60 page paper that is due the first of December. I knew he wasn't but I didn't want to talk about it...I would only fight so I just didn't mention it at all.
Then I came back to Germany, and again Karlo was tired enough to sleep through the night for a few nights in a row. I finally caught up on some sleep. Raph was home for a week for school holiday, and while he should have been working the whole week on his paper, he hardly did. Once when I saw him doing it finally, I jokingly asked if he was on page 3. He said it wasn't page 3 but it was the 3rd page he had written. Out of 60! I nearly died, but I kept saying to myself that he is an adult and can handle it. I need help more than I need to argue about his stupid paper. We even had the discussion about getting his visa process started because finally I think I have realized it doesn't matter if I am in Germany or Texas, I have a new family now, and Karlo and Raph are the only things that matter to me. I just have to do what is best for them. We started the visa process after all, which was really stressful and cost a shitload of money. But he really wants to go to Texas, so I am going to do what it takes to make that happen. Now I am beginning to wonder if he is wanting to go because he is really thinking this teaching thing in Germany isn't going to work out for him. I am pretty sure that in the back of his mind that is part of why he wants us to be moving, but I also know he hungers for something new and different in his life. Some kind of big adventure. I am willing to nurture that...but while I was in Texas, I really realized that I am not sure if while my baby is a baby, I can ever be happy. This kid doesn't let me even go to the bathroom by myself hardly, let alone sleep, and that is kind of frustrating. I should be enjoying that someone is that attached to me, but I am having a hard time waiting for him to grow up. Sad, I know. I should be relishing everything. His babyhood won't last forever. But it is really hard because I have no help. How single moms do it, I don't know. Respect.
So after I have now been back for two weeks, I am seriously starting to drift into unhappy Liberty again. Mostly because I don't get enough sleep. I know it is selfish but I want one fucking night off every now and again. Or at least one where I don't have to deal with Raph's alarm clock or sleeping in the recliner. I want a second bed, and this is an idea Raph hates. But I can't lay down anywhere with my son. Our bed is not an option, Raph is too loud. I keep thinking about the time I was in Texas. Although I was by myself and that was hard, at least in the mornings we were able to get an extra hour in because no one was being loud enough to wake us. This seems to be hard for Raph to understand. He, after all, doesn't see the need to be quiet around our house when our son is napping. And I have tried letting him take over at night, but he does dumb stuff like, turn on the light, laugh with Karlo, just tries laying him down and expecting him to sleep. Eventually I have to take over because he never does what I do, and what I tell him will work, what I thought he has seen me do like bouncing, teething tabs or gel, walking around. Sometimes it angers me that he seems to only be thinking about sex or something, and not about having enough clean bottles ready for the night, having a clean kitchen at night so I don't have to worry about it, or doing something I ask him to do, or taking the dog out before he leaves for work. I don't think it is alot, but apparently he does. So that is just the way it is right now. I feel bad getting upset with him, but sometimes I am so mad I can only see the things he does wrong or doesn't do at all.
The night before I left to Texas, when I knew I would possibly be up for 20 hours straight travelling with Karlo, I asked in the middle of the night if he would try and take care of Karlo while I slept, because Karlo kept waking up. He made some snide comments, acted very put out, and I let him have it. I told him finally what I have been thinking all along, that sometimes he acts like such a dick that this is why I never ask him for help. I can't stand his bullshit. This was probably why the first week when I got back he was really nice and helped a lot. But why does that have to change because he goes back to work? I feel like he is just lazy sometimes. This is why I react with laziness when it comes to sex, which is probably not a good way to retaliate.
I just hope I can get through the next 6 months of dealing with no sleep...I know it won't change after that, but at least then I can make a new goal.
Where is the bright side of this post? That my son is doing cool things like sitting up and could be close to crawling. Those things are cute and might lead to more independence on his part. In the meantime, I am just doing my best to be there for him when I can. Except now. He is crying and I am insisting on finishing typing this. Dumb.
So to save your friends page and to save your good mood if you are already in one, I am Well, I went to Texas for four weeks. Because of Ike, I couldn't fly straight into Houston as anticipated, and had to reroute my flight through Charlotte, NC and fly into Austin. This worked out great because my best friends live in Austin and I spent a week or so visiting with them before they drove me down to Brownsville to be with my family. I had a really good time in Austin. Karlo was so tired that finally, he slept. The whole week, every night through. I was seriously shocked. He even took naps. I thought my sleep luck had finally changed. I got to do some shopping at favorite stores, etc. My friends all made the effort to see me, and even though I was still paranoid about getting enough sleep myself (I was always worried that Karlo would wake up at some point in the night) I still managed to stay up late some nights and see people that I hadn't seen in a few years. So then, the drive home. At some point here, everything started to change. Karlo was naturally fussy in the car on the way home, but that was his longest time ever in a carseat and he was still really tired. And not used to having to fall asleep in the carseat. Normally, I am holding him or rocking him...probably the source of my problems. Anyway, I get to Brownsville and the first day my friends go to Mexico. I opt not to go, just because I am not too keen on taking my tiny white bundle of joy to Mexico. My family is also MIA that first day because my mom has to work and so does my dad. I go to bed kind of early, and missed my cousin's super white trash wedding. Bummer, but I was waiting on my friends to get back from Mexico. Eventually they show up half drunk, so it was useless to go anywhere. Besides that, Karlo was asleep. I was staying at my sisters house, and let me just say, while I understand having a messy house when you have a baby, her house was beyond messy to the point of being gross. I had to do a lot of cleaning. And that was pretty much my job the whole time I was there. She never lifted a finger, although I noticed that her new baby was really good, hardly fussed and she had a lot of time on her hands to do nothing. Well, to make a long story about Texas short, I had fun, but I was really disappointed. My son, after the first week, was back to his old non sleeping ways, and I was now really all alone. Luckily, my sister wasn't using the room where she had set up her baby's crib, she was cosleeping and so I was using that room as mine, and Karlo was sleeping in his own bed, when he slept, or he slept with me. But slowly I realized he didn't want to sleep with me at all. I went a lot of days while I was there with only 3 or 4 hours of sleep. My family just kept asking me what the problem was, and I was like, if I knew, there wouldn't be a problem. Overall, they were not very understanding of my son's need for naps, and wanted me to meet for lunch or dinner. No one would come and visit me where I was staying, at least, that happened rarely. I came to realize at the end of my time there that my family and friends were not there for me anymore. Especially on the last day when I could hardly pack because my son was so high needs. My mom tried to help the day before but kept calling me from what I was doing to ask me stupid questions like, is Karlo hungry. My dad wouldn't come over that last night for dinner because he felt he would rather stay home and drink. The realization of my being totally alone was slowly surfacing. All the while I kept talking to my husband on the phone and he kept saying how he missed me, and how he would help me when I came back. I hoped that was true. He was supposed to spend the weeks while I was gone working on his 60 page paper that is due the first of December. I knew he wasn't but I didn't want to talk about it...I would only fight so I just didn't mention it at all.
Then I came back to Germany, and again Karlo was tired enough to sleep through the night for a few nights in a row. I finally caught up on some sleep. Raph was home for a week for school holiday, and while he should have been working the whole week on his paper, he hardly did. Once when I saw him doing it finally, I jokingly asked if he was on page 3. He said it wasn't page 3 but it was the 3rd page he had written. Out of 60! I nearly died, but I kept saying to myself that he is an adult and can handle it. I need help more than I need to argue about his stupid paper. We even had the discussion about getting his visa process started because finally I think I have realized it doesn't matter if I am in Germany or Texas, I have a new family now, and Karlo and Raph are the only things that matter to me. I just have to do what is best for them. We started the visa process after all, which was really stressful and cost a shitload of money. But he really wants to go to Texas, so I am going to do what it takes to make that happen. Now I am beginning to wonder if he is wanting to go because he is really thinking this teaching thing in Germany isn't going to work out for him. I am pretty sure that in the back of his mind that is part of why he wants us to be moving, but I also know he hungers for something new and different in his life. Some kind of big adventure. I am willing to nurture that...but while I was in Texas, I really realized that I am not sure if while my baby is a baby, I can ever be happy. This kid doesn't let me even go to the bathroom by myself hardly, let alone sleep, and that is kind of frustrating. I should be enjoying that someone is that attached to me, but I am having a hard time waiting for him to grow up. Sad, I know. I should be relishing everything. His babyhood won't last forever. But it is really hard because I have no help. How single moms do it, I don't know. Respect.
So after I have now been back for two weeks, I am seriously starting to drift into unhappy Liberty again. Mostly because I don't get enough sleep. I know it is selfish but I want one fucking night off every now and again. Or at least one where I don't have to deal with Raph's alarm clock or sleeping in the recliner. I want a second bed, and this is an idea Raph hates. But I can't lay down anywhere with my son. Our bed is not an option, Raph is too loud. I keep thinking about the time I was in Texas. Although I was by myself and that was hard, at least in the mornings we were able to get an extra hour in because no one was being loud enough to wake us. This seems to be hard for Raph to understand. He, after all, doesn't see the need to be quiet around our house when our son is napping. And I have tried letting him take over at night, but he does dumb stuff like, turn on the light, laugh with Karlo, just tries laying him down and expecting him to sleep. Eventually I have to take over because he never does what I do, and what I tell him will work, what I thought he has seen me do like bouncing, teething tabs or gel, walking around. Sometimes it angers me that he seems to only be thinking about sex or something, and not about having enough clean bottles ready for the night, having a clean kitchen at night so I don't have to worry about it, or doing something I ask him to do, or taking the dog out before he leaves for work. I don't think it is alot, but apparently he does. So that is just the way it is right now. I feel bad getting upset with him, but sometimes I am so mad I can only see the things he does wrong or doesn't do at all.
The night before I left to Texas, when I knew I would possibly be up for 20 hours straight travelling with Karlo, I asked in the middle of the night if he would try and take care of Karlo while I slept, because Karlo kept waking up. He made some snide comments, acted very put out, and I let him have it. I told him finally what I have been thinking all along, that sometimes he acts like such a dick that this is why I never ask him for help. I can't stand his bullshit. This was probably why the first week when I got back he was really nice and helped a lot. But why does that have to change because he goes back to work? I feel like he is just lazy sometimes. This is why I react with laziness when it comes to sex, which is probably not a good way to retaliate.
I just hope I can get through the next 6 months of dealing with no sleep...I know it won't change after that, but at least then I can make a new goal.
Where is the bright side of this post? That my son is doing cool things like sitting up and could be close to crawling. Those things are cute and might lead to more independence on his part. In the meantime, I am just doing my best to be there for him when I can. Except now. He is crying and I am insisting on finishing typing this. Dumb.