(no subject)
I
I'm having a hard time caring. Mostly about school, but other things as well.
You know, having pizza everday is healthy. Accompanied by smoking. But hey, I ride my bicycle sometimes.
I hate math and I can't believe I have a whole fucking year of it. I feel useless. I should of had this over with my first semester of college. and now i'm 20. and i'm still in 100 classes. Fuck.
What's the plan? There is no plan. Everyone is so cheery and productive on the college campus. but it's a prelude to becoming a well polished member of the working class. This doesn't seem to make sense to me.
I sit on the top steps of some random wooden stairs. I observe students. I feel lonely. I think of high school, and how college really isn't that different from it. I eat more pizza. I wait and see if any random person will talk to me. I smoke a cigarette. I text message and feel like a tool. I tell my mom I don't feel good today. She doesn't respond. I bike home, check my email. Mom says not to text so much. Mom wants me to go apply for jobs. and then I consider what death is like. What if I don't want to work again, and what if maybe I don't care that much about school?
I have lots of homework. Math never ends. English is busy work. Japanese is fun, but I feel like I should be in level 202, and that i've wasted two years. And tomorrow it's going to happen all over again. Maybe I just have not adjusted. Maybe I should join the College Republican club. Not because i'm Republican or Democrat, but nobody really cares in those clubs anyway. They want to be INVOLVED. and they want someone to come over and watch movies with them on Friday. it's all a coverup. No lonliness in college.
I want to talk to people in my classes. No one really catches my eye, but still. I sit there and feel socially retarded. "Hey, so, what's your major?" Fuck. "It smells like pine trees outside." Damn it. Everyone looks like they rolled right out of their dorm room and put on their sweats. everyone uses big words and lots of sentences to describe a simple answer. I'm scared of them, of their motivation. I feel like i'm just pretending. "I don't know, it's better than living with my parents and working retail." Or maybe they all feel that way too.
I feel like shit. I don't want to do anything. I want to be an alcoholic. I regret some things I left behind.
I'm a number, a comfort. A passing phase. Always broke, always hungry, always needing something. I have to write some sort of piece for my creative non-fiction class. I think i'll make it all fiction, because the truth that I wish to write is too painful. Not to be melodramatic, but most of my thoughts are not very nice, or uplifting. I suppose this is a great example.
However, this place is beautiful. My door to my apartment is open and I can see a grassy hill covered in pine trees. I'm reading a good book. Maybe my flatmate will pop her head in and apologize for taking so many cigarettes from me last night. I light incense, I listen to records. Right now I will go smoke a cigarette and figure out who I should let down right now.
Thanks.