Freed
Last night, after an exhausting duty, I had a dinner date with Rain.
Well, he invited me out to eat in a newly opened Japanese restaurant that served okonomiyaki and so I obliged. It was like any dinner date we would have: eat and catch up.
Well, to get straight to the point, after eating, we walked around for a bit, and I brought it up. Gently. I said I wanted to try again; try looking for another person. He knew anyway that he wasn’t exactly stable. We’ve talked about it before that even though I wanted to be with him, that my heart loves him, my brain had been disagreeing with my heart for a few years now. I used to be able to see a future with me and him together, but after a while, that vision faded. You know what they say, love someone with both your heart and your head. Rain has many things to fix about himself and his life, something I have no hand in anymore. Then again, ever since that time when we had to separate for thesis in college, I blamed myself for this difficult and complicated relationship. I held on for really long, hoping things would get better. It did, though, up to a point. Rain understood me, and let slip that even he had once blamed me for what happened all those years ago. He tried to push the thought aside and was disgusted at himself for thinking such. He wondered why I didn’t stand up for him that time, exactly what I had blamed myself for. Well, I was only 19 years old. I was weak. He understood.
After talking with him about all this, he said naturally, he wouldn’t be okay with me looking for someone else. But he said that he had made wait long enough, and that I probably should. I instantly felt freed; like the shackles on my wrists and neck loosened and fell off. It was then that I decided that this would be the last time I’d try. And I know who to I’d like to try with. If it doesn’t work out, then that’s that. Maybe this time with my newfound freedom, things might actually end well.