A Very Moony Christmas (NC-17)
Hi all, I'm new around here and though I might as well start with posting one of my fics here. I'd rather post another one but it's not finished yet. I'm hoping your comments will make me want to write again
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Comments 7
Molly walked in and Hermione shrugged, apparently not prepared to share her thoughts with the woman. "It's not really important, I guess."
"I guess it's not," he agreed.
i'm assuming you're american. you might make this sentence sound more british by changing 'i guess' to 'i suppose.'
any brits should feel free to correct me here, but us australians tend to use fairly similar expressions to the british, and this one stood out for me as sounding particularly american :)
i like the pairing, though, and will try to come back to this if i get the time.
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No, I'm not American, I'm Dutch so English isn't actually my native language. It's very hard for me to see the difference between British and American English so thanks for the tip!
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Now for my criticisms: for starters, you have quite a few problems with the correct placement of commas and semi-colons. I'd recommend looking at the following resource, Strunk & White, to help you with that. Also, in the following:
...wouldn't realise how confused she was to meet him here, so unexpected.
the word at the end should be "unexpectedly", and in:
"I'm serious," she said, slightly rebellious.
the final word should be probably be "rebelliously". You've also mis-spelled "naughty" at the end of the story. A good beta reader can help you catch these sorts of errors ( ... )
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Let me start out by saying what I liked about it: Your writing is clear and generally very good (except for a few punctuation problems), and you do a good job of bringing the magic of the Wizarding World into the story. - Thanks! Punctuation is a problem for me sometimes, since the rules are different in my native language. I did have a beta look at it but I guess she missed a few things. Same with the grammar mistakes. English isn't my native language so it's not always easy for me. Thanks for pointing out some mistakes!
Your point of view (POV) jumps around like crazy in this story. - I didn't realise it was that bad. Thanks for the tip, I can change this easily.
I don't like your Hermione very much, because she seems very out-of-character to me. She's a wise and ( ... )
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Firstly, the story seems to take a *long* time to get going. I must admit that I found myself skimming paragraphs (I did go back and re-read them, I swear)
There was a particularly awkward phrasing moment right before Hermione performs oral sex on Remus.
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Firstly, the story seems to take a *long* time to get going. I must admit that I found myself skimming paragraphs (I did go back and re-read them, I swear) - hehe, that's quite alright. I didn't realise this, though. I'll have a look at it.
I just can't imagine a forty-something, mature lycanthrope telling your characterisation of Hermione that she'll "do great" giving him head *questioning look*. - Hehe okay I can see how that might sound odd. Noted and will be looked at.
Another stickler-moment: has Hermione lost her personality? Viva la "Constant Vigilance" motto, but I don't find it plausible to have Hermione completely lose her personality during five years of Auror training and work. - Hmm. Fair enough. I guess the Hermione in my head and canon Hermione aren't quite the same. Thanks for pointing that out.
I'm sorry that I spent so long on the more negative aspects - No problem, that's the ( ... )
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