Comments | realreview: A Charming Christmas

calzamante in realreview

A Charming Christmas

Jan 05, 2006 11:59

Hello, I wonder if you'd all mind having a look at this? I am very keen to develop my writing skills, and would welcome any advice you could give me. I haven't written a lot, but out of what I have written I rather like this - and would be grateful for any suggestions as to how I can make it better (plus, pimping your work to a wider audience is ( Read more... )

Comments 2

mizbean January 7 2006, 06:14:10 UTC

First of all, I thought this was a very amusing fic (Merlin's armpit), but I do have one question. If I'm reading this correctly, Lupin was the one who spelled the Holly into Snape's hand seemingly with the idea that Snape would kiss him. Why does Snape's arm raise when he encounters other students? Because that seems unnecessarily cruel of Lupin to do that. Or am I misreading? It's midnight here and it could just be the vodka clouding my brain.

Otherwise I have two minor comments.

You shift between addressing your narrator as Snape and Severus. Unless you envision Severus Snape addressing himself as Snape, I'd stick with Severus.

so he brought his hand forward and opened it out. Shouldn't that say opened it up?

You have a very witty and readable writing style. Keep up the good work.

calzamante January 7 2006, 10:13:01 UTC

Thank-you for your comments. You make a good point about Lupin spelling the holly to make Snape try and kiss everyone rather than just him - to be honest, I had not thought of that. I suppose if it had just been spelled for Snape to kiss Remus the story would have been a lot shorter... Maybe Lupin was trying not to make it too obvious what he had done? I don't know, to tell the truth - as I say, I had not given it as much thought as I should have done.

As for the other comments, yes indeed it should be 'up' rather than 'out' when referring to Snape's hand - I can't believe we missed that! The Snape/Severus thing is also a good point. I had previously wondered about the references to Severus - it seems that in a lot of fic he is constantly referred to as Snape, when all the other characters are referred to by their first names. This has always puzzled me, and I did make a conscious effort not to do it - but I guess I'm more of a sheep than I realised ( ... )