(no subject)
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
Ahem.
Want to avoid being pulverized by an irate cashier?
These simple tips will keep you happy, healthy, and free from those nasty scanning-gun-induced bruises!
Item #1: When you pull into a lane behind someone who is in the act of unloading his/her groceries... do not begin to unload yours until he/she has finished. EVER. You cause all sorts of hate and discontent when your stuff starts mingling with the first customer's stuff, and everyone involved (except for yourself, unfortunately) thinks that you're an impatient jerk.
Item #2: Forcing coins on the cashier after the transaction has been completed will not be tolerated. I have given you ample time to produce the change, as is demonstrated by the following exchange:
Me: Your total is $8.13.
You: (hands me a $10 bill)
Me: Out of ten?
You: (silence, halfhearted rummaging in wallet)
Me: (eyes you to see if you're producing any coins)
You: (more silence, more halfhearted rummaging)
Me: (tenders the cash) Okay, your change is--
You: Oh, wait! I have a quarter!
Me: DIE. Diediedie.
Go ahead and lament the stupidity of cashiers who can't do simple math, if you'd like. I'll have you know that I generally figure out the change you're due before the computer shows it on the screen. But after that, I'm in "give change to customer and move on" mode. I have no time for figuring out how much change you should get back if you give me a quarter and were previously supposed to get $1.87. I'd like to see you do on-the-spot math when four other customers are glaring at you because the line isn't moving fast enough. So keep your bloody quarter and shut up.
Item #3: Yes, I use scripts. Not formal scripts, mind you, but ones of my own creation that appear in every transaction I have with a customer. I challenge you to find a cashier who does not use them to some degree. It doesn't matter if I know you-- I will use the script, because that's the only way my brain knows to survive. So, yes, if you come through my line every night, the following situation will occur every time:
Me: Hi!
You: Hello/no response (depends)
Me: How are you today?
You: Good/okay/tired/no response (Bonus points for asking me how I'm doing.)
Me: Good/sorry to hear that. (contingent upon your previous response to my question... but my answer to your question will always be "good".)
Me: Do you have any coupons or bottle slips today?
You: Yes/No
(long period of silence wherein I scan like a fiend)
Me: Your total is $$$.
You: (pays)
Me: And there's your change/receipt. Thank you! Have a nice night!
Yes, I wish you a nice night. I will always wish you a nice night, even if it's 2pm. I will probably never wish you a good night, a great night, or a nice evening. It's "nice night", and that's all. And there's no need to get cranky because you heard me say the same thing to the customer before you. When I start getting paid for creativity, I'll start constructing unique greetings for you. Until then, deal.
Item #4: I've said it before, and I'll say it again-- Using your cell phone while I'm waiting on you immediately disqualifies you from receiving any sort of courtesy on my part. I probably won't say hello, and I definitely won't ask how you're doing. Not going to ask if you have any coupons or bottle slips, either; too bad for you if you forget about them, I guess. I will, however, talk more loudly than normal when telling you the total and finishing the transaction. (I have to say "thank you," so I will do it.) But if you even dare to try to shush me because you can't hear the person on the other end of the line, you may find yourself eating that receipt.
Item #5: If you refuse to take your bags off of the bag carousel when they come around, I will automatically think one of two things: you're lazy, or you're a stuck-up jerk. Possibly both.
I have no qualms about loading the cart if you are incapable or otherwise employed. Being injured, caring for children, being very old, nursing a nasty head wound-- all of these things are legitimate reasons for not loading your own cart. Even ignorance ("Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't know I was supposed to take the bags off!") is excusable. But if you stand there and watch me struggle, running back and forth around the carousel while I attempt to scan, bag, and load while keeping up the pace-- I will think very nasty things about you. Very nasty, indeed.