It's An Inceptspam, Darling
It’s all of the Inception you never wanted to see, and then some. I’ve focused on the really vital parts of the movie. Which basically involves a lot of Arthur and a lot of Eames, and a lot of Arthur’s suits and a lot of Eames’ lips. Yeah, my priorities are so warped. But on the upside, you might even be able to find some of the plot in here. If you squint.
Other things you might find include shots of the setting, but only if it's extremely awesome and/or foreign-looking, and caps of the other characters, but only if they're making funny faces.
Let's get going :)
The film begins. We first meet Cobb when he’s washed up on a beach, and he’s probably got a lot more sand in his mouth than anyone should have, ever. And then there’s some other scenes with Old Man Saito that no one really bothers to pay attention to because Arthur is totally coming up.
Oh hai, Arthur.
Your face is looking mighty fine today.
Cobb's all clean and young-looking again.
And Saito's looking youthful too.
The wine and the pretty and the tuxedos and the fancy shiny table and the elegance is definitely working for me.
This. Just all of this. I need more of this in my life.
Arthur’s helping Cobb persuade Saito to do something really interesting and significant that I didn’t pay much attention to because my brain is a bit swamped by all the pretty.
I am the best. *smirk*
Saito isn’t buying it. He’s a smart man. And I don’t think that poor man in the background ever gets an in-focus shot. He’s destined to remain blurry forever.
Cobb gets serious.
Saito looks meaningfully off to his right. He’s all why isn’t the camera on Arthur?! WHY?! Look at all that tuxedoed pretty wasting away off-screen! I agree completely.
You need to completely let me in. Oh, Cobb, sweetheart, no one in their right mind would completely let you in. You’d run a freight train straight through their brain and leave them for dead.
Saito still isn’t looking at Cobb. I can’t blame him, really. We all know who the mature, sane adult in this discussion is, and it certainly isn’t Cobb.
Oh HAI, Arthur, you’re in this scene? I’d totally forgotten.
He stands up when Saito leaves, because he's a gentleman.
This is Arthur’s Serious Face. We are going to be seeing a lot more of this face as the movie continues. But it’s okay, because it looks rather adorable on him.
He’s all well, that went well. I think he bought it.
Cobb? We did well, right?
Apparently not. And Cobb's Serious Face doesn't quite compare.
Then there’s a mini-earthquake. Arthur’s all alright, the whole room is shaking. That can’t be good, but I’m going to act cool about it. Yeah. So cool. I should be a cucumber, or something, that’s how cool I am right now.
Aw, his forehead wrinkles.
This=Reality? Who knows. The plot has already progressed far beyond anything that my pretty-boy-laden brain can understand.
This guy takes the opportunity for some mild Arthur molestation. We can’t really blame him. He’s still got his Serious Face on, even though he’s asleep.
In fact, basically everyone’s asleep. Thank goodness Mr Nolan found a way of filming inside people’s dreams, because otherwise this would be a very boring movie.
OMG, AN EXPLOSION! Noone wakes up.
Meanwhile, back in the Land of Tuxedos, Cobb and Arthur work out a plan. Arthur’s all seriously, man, get your dead wife out of this dream. That’s totally unprofessional.
Seriously. She's cramping my style.
They turn to admire Cobb's dead wife. Meanwhile, I admire their clothes.
Arthur doesn’t need anyone. He’s the lone wolf, the point man. He stands against the world by himself. Lesser men run off to their not-dead dead wives, but not Arthur. He’s the surname-less hero of a dream half forgotten. What a bamf.
Mrs Cobb is all like would I die if I jumped? Cobb’s all you jump, I jump. I’m the king of the world! Ah, Titanic.
I quite like her dress, though.
And then Arthur gets manhandled. The guy on the right seems to be enjoying it.
Arthur thinks that Cobb should control his wife a bit better.
Arthur’s all come on, let her do it. Your mind is so messed up, Cobb. I’m totally taking you to therapy if we survive this thing. And aw, just look at his face.
Cobb’s all like NO ARTHUR I WON’T LET YOU DIE!!! Which is selfless and all, but actually kind of pointless, because they’re dreaming and so he wouldn’t really die anyway.
I like the sound the gun makes when he puts it on the table. That’s probably not normal.
Saito works out what's going on.
What? We’re dreaming? Ooh, that explains so much! I have got to pay more attention when I’m reading the script.
Arthur’s all Fear death? No, not I. This impresses me, because even in a dream, having a gun pointed at my face would probably still freak me out. A lot.
Yeah, that still hurt though.
Aww, bb!
Cobb’s all ooo. Sorry about that, Arthur. My subconscious is a little on the sadistic side.
Arthur isn’t impressed. And I know that it’s Cobb’s subconscious doing the shooting, but wouldn’t Cobb have had even the faintest idea of what Mrs Cobb was going to do? I mean she must have been invading his jobs for a while now. He could have seen that one coming.
Arthur gets molested for a bit.
And then gets shot. This time in the head. Poor Arthur gets beat up a lot.
Because apparently, Cobb is perfectly fine with shooting his living friends in the head, but not the tiny part of his subconscious that likes parading around dressed as his dead wife. Go figure.
And then Arthur wakes up. Either he’s some kind of immortal god-man (don’t tell me you didn’t consider it) or he’s just come out of his dream. I think Cobb already sort of explained this, but the camera was on Arthur so I didn’t pay too much attention.
He’s dead. But you all still think he’s attractive, don’t even try and deny it.
I can just imagine the faces of the poor people who needed a bathroom break halfway through this movie. They’d come back and be all what? Kicks? Dreams? Arthur and Ariadne? Arthur and Eames? I MISSED MICHAEL CAINE’S SCENE?!
Arthur goes to make sure Saito stays nice and unconscious.
You can actually see his spine through that jacket. Arthur likes his suits tight. He probably sits with his back to Eames while they're working on a job and makes it impossible for Eames to concentrate.
Saito works out that Cobb stole his special papers. Mrs Cobb seems to be enjoying that, which is sort of confusing. I thought she was trying to sabotage their mission. But perhaps she just likes creating chaos.
Arthur flicks some switches on the fancy-looking Suitcase Dream Machine (or PASIV, but really, that doesn’t sound nearly as good).
Uh, yeah. Facccee.
More face <3
Saito’s Important Secret Information. It's something about software engineering.
Eames is a lucky, lucky man.
And Arthur gets yet another gun pointed at his head.
Meanwhile, Leonardo DiCaprio tries extreme bathing.
If he’s falling backwards, then why isn’t everything in the room tilting at strange angles? Or why isn’t Cobb tilting at strange angles? If somebody slapping him across the face in reality causes him to fly backwards in the dream, then surely tipping him over in reality would make him tip over in the dream.
Underwater Bathtub Shots compliment noone.
Arthur is the only one intelligent enough to stay out of this particular pileup.
And we get a Gratuitous Suit Shot.
Apparently there’s still a riot going on. I thought I’d mention it, in case there’s anyone who’s interested in things other than Arthur’s face, Arthur’s suits and how much time we have left to wait until Eames turns up.
Arthur’s job seems to consist of getting shot, staring out windows and being molested in his sleep. I think it’s time he switched careers.
Arthur thinks so too.
And there’s yet more layers. Apparently, they are in a dream within a dream.
The Molester Guy gets to hear some music.
I’m going to go ahead and assume that Arthur can hear the music, too. It’s either that or he just thought that he needed to give the room a random ominous look. Or perhaps he realised that he left his oven on.
Cobb is looking rather wet.
Arthur does this cute finger-waggling thing which I think is supposed to mean dude, hurry up, we don’t have much time and you’re being far too polite with the man. Or perhaps it was a demonstration of what he's going to get Eames to do to him later.
Saito has a moment with the carpet.
Arthur realises that he isn’t the only one who pays that level of attention to the furnishings.
And they all wake up yet again.
Arthur sinks his teeth into Mister Architect/Molester Guy. Not literally, unfortunately, though I’m sure you could find some fic out there describing it.
And also into Cobb. This time it’s fair enough - I mean, he did get shot in the head, he’s allowed to be a bit pissed off.
Oooh, Japan.
Aw, face! And at this point the guy I was watching it with is all hey, it’s that guy from Terminator 2. To which I said no. Just no. That is all kinds of not right.
Arthur’s all yes, I put my Serious Face on when I close doors. What of it?
Come on, Cobb, let’s bounce. Apparently they work for Bad Men who don’t like failure.
And bounce they do. They strut like supermodels.
They see Saito and Molester Guy (Nash? I think that’s his name) in the helicopter. Cobb has a very appropriate shocked face going on, while Arthur has skipped that and gone straight for I’m like a cute little puppy-dog, please don’t hurt me eyes.
Nash gets dragged off to die, and things get far more mysterious when Saito mentions Inception.
Oh, ye of little faith. Arthur’s all sure, you can have some Inception. Do you want a Santa Claus with that? And what about an alchemy set?
Then Arthur starts talking about elephants and I start thinking about cute baby elephants and cute baby-faced Arthur and my cute-detector pretty much explodes.
I was shipping Cobb/Arthur so hard for a whole twenty minutes of the film before Eames showed up.
Arthur’s does this headjerk thing and is all like Cobb, come on, like you’d say if you were calling a dog. I can totally see who’s got the power in this relationship, and it so isn’t Cobb.
But Cobb isn’t listening. Arthur’s all what?! COME ON, dammit. I have an oven to turn off.
Arthur’s got his what the hell did you just agree to expression on. Meanwhile, Cobb’s perfected the art of the slightly-obscured Intense Squint.
Things I Like In This Scene: Arthur, Arthur's face, the salad, the wine, the fancy plane, Arthur's clothes, Arthur's rolled up sleeves. Seriously, I didn't even know it was possible to find rolled up sleeves, of all things, attractive.
Michael Caine shows up for a bit.
As does Ellen Page.
Arthur struts around Paris.
And looks lovely while opening doors. I think that's probably what his stage directions in this scene were. Look lovely while opening doors.
Ooh, look, it's the PASIV. That's totally what this screencap is here for, yes siree.
Apparently his job now involves setting up chairs and things in abandoned warehouses. All his beautiful potential is going to waste.
Cobb’s dead wife likes to kill. I think if my subconscious got this violent, I’d probably check myself into therapy faster than you could say you have serious issues.
Arthur’s like hey. Hey. Look at me. You’re okay. And his tone kind of makes me laugh. He doesn’t sound that comforting, is all. He’s more like why do I have to babysit the newbie again? Seriously. Just send me to get Eames or something. PLEASE?
He's so pretty.
Arthur's totem is a loaded die. Eames' appears to be a poker chip. I'm sensing a theme here.
Faaacee.
Arthur’s all back off. Eames is the only one who gets to touch the totem, ‘cause he knows how to handle it.
He's all like yeah. I know all about Cobb’s issues. He shot me in the face the other night. And in the leg, though technically he did that one subconsciously. It’s all part of the job.
Apparently, Ariadne just ain't man enough to stick it out with Arthur. Eames, on the other hand...
Arthur’s face when Eames is first mentioned. That look just screams history. And, excitingly, it’s been left entirely up to fandom to work out what exactly that history was.
He’s in Mombasa. Oh yes, Arthur, you keep close tabs on exactly where Eames is, don’t you?
Arthur tries to suggest that they don’t need Eames. He’s all I can’t control myself when he’s around. He’s just too sexy. Please Cobb, not Eames. Anyone but Eames. If Eames and I get a scene together, this movie will degenerate very quickly into an R- rated pornathon. And nobody wants that.
It's Mombasa.
And here’s Eames. I’m ashamed to admit that the first two times I watched this movie, I didn’t really notice Tom Hardy at all. I was a little distracted by Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s face.
I now realise the error of my ways.
And will begin to make amends immediately.
Woah, lips.
Oh, boys. You're so pretty. That brings us to the end of a very lengthy Part 1. More parts to come, as soon as I've gotten the hearts out of my eyes so I can actually see the screen. :)
ETA: Part 2 is here.