(no subject)
Ash. A friend of mine committed suicide.
I can't believe he's gone, i know he is but..its just unbelievb. i loved and adored him so fucking much. He moved to Texas a while a go so we hadn't seen much of eachother. He promissed that once he'd get his winter brake he'd come visit me and his boyfriend Brian(yes he was bi sexual) back in littleton. *bursts into tears*
I'm so numb i don't know what to say. I feel like doing something. Anything. But instead i just shit here doing nothing, crying my eyes out wondering how come....how come something like this always fucking happens to my friends. I feel as if its my fault. My fault he died on us, his ex fiancee,his boyfriend,his family and his friends.. He was loved by so many people. I guess that made him fall, he took everyones elses feelings first. He always made me laugh when i felt low. He made things better with the angel face he was blessed with. No one would imagine that a beautiful person like Ash would ever dream of doing anything remotely like this.
The fucked up part is that he died like 16days ago, and no one bothered to tell me? People must really despise me. I hate these people for thinking it was just natural for me to know. I went to his folk.is site coz i thought it was weird he hadn't signed on msn for awhile neither had brian. Then i see people saying stuff like *omg he was gay was that like the reason for him killing himself* yea retard. He killed himself for being gay. This could be the other way around..OMG he killed himself becoz he liked girls? i hate ingorance.
He did loose his baby a few months ago, Sam they called him. I fucking adored that kid. he was so beautiful just like his daddy. I guess that could be part of his decs.
I have yet to know why he died. Why he chose this. I just know he's gone. To a better place with Sam prehaps. But he has left those of us who knew him broken beyond belief. I feel like someone just gutted me. I want to die. I can't seem to find a reason not to. The only person that i ever really enjoyed communicated with ,and actually made me feel as if i ment something to someone left me to die.
*heh* i remember the first time i ever IM'd him, i said i'd get out of his way if i was so boring. But he replied, "no, you are the only person on here that actually talks to me. I don't care what you say just anything" told me i was fun to talk to. I don't believe anyone has ever said that to me and ment it. I believe he did. Even though i'm mad at him for leaving, i know this is what he wanted. I miss You Ash, more than you would've ever liked to believe.
Ashton Jay Cl.
Also known as Ash.
06.04.1987 - 12.09.2004 ..
A son, a brother, a friend, a human being. He was one of those,you will always remember till the day you die, the nicest,kindest most amazing person you could ever hope to meet.
"God sent us an angel, Now he most return"
I'm afraid i can't type more, i'm afraid to set my computer on fire..crying over keyboards i guess isn't good.