Long time no post and Evey <3's Sigur Ros
Life is really interesting right now. I've been going through ALOT of different things of all varieties lately. From Moving and troubles with moving and money and paper work and details and things to awesome hangouts and much needed emotional pressure that has been helping me to really rethink myself and snap me out of my last year straight self internalization. I feel like a child stumbling. Having to relearn everything. In this reworking of my personal self I have to keep asking the question "what kind of Evey do I want to be?" ... and when that is answered I have to ask "Am I acting in a way that reflects this and puts me in the direction of the person I want to be?" . I have been realizing ALOT lately that I keep answering no. This is very troubling and upsetting. Sad making when I can trace is back to all of my actions and see how it's effecting me and then like a ripple all of the people around. God help me if I have not been trying. but some times (and I don't know where I acquired it) but this feeling of just giving up on myself and everything I care about can sometimes be so over whelming.
Every day I wake up and breathe I never cease to be amazed at how many people still have not given up on me.
Sometimes I am even amazed to find that there is still a part of me that has not given up on me either.
I finally finished moving and that was stressful and horrible but then things are ok. But now there is a issue with my application and I am hoping that I can work something out with the land lord so that I can stay and so that I don't get Leslie evicted as well. I feel so bad about endangering her living situation. I know how stressful the unknown can be. I hope it can work out.I also still have not found a better job than my half time crappy one. I almost had this REALLY awesome one working in group home for the mentally retarded but I don't have a lisence. (Anyone wanna teach me to drive really quick?!?!) And I keep failing at properly utilizing my time and being motivated. The anxiety is down from where it was a week ago. But I am afraid of it comming back. *sigh* but REALLY.... it is not all bad and I feel ok about my future and weather or not I will be able to handle whatever may come.
I have had many awesome and fun things too though. Birthday parties and drinks in bars, dressing up like a pirate, eating sushi and playing pinball for hours. Sometimes more than I deserve I think. One of the ones foremost in my mind is a bOI. A "new" boy kinda. We have been spending alot of time together for quite a while now. At first I was very secretive about us for a vast array of different reasons, some I wasn't too aware of until recently. I feel bad because I started and progressed them past a place that I was really in a place to handle. Ok.. I mean seriously it takes two in this kind of thing. but I can only speak for myself so I am. But there have been many talks and careful and respectful thought and testing of needs and boundaries. He is so sweet and nurturing, funny, thoughtful, tender and adorable. He really excites me on many different levels. From our discussions on the universe to how video games work or the way we cuddle while watching anime. I feel honored for the time he has spent with me and through these stressful times have been thankful of his continued presence in my life despite some heart ache.
For once in my life I am desperate to resist the over whelming urge to put a label on this in some sort of bizarre attempt to completely define it in order to shine light in to every little corner where my fear of abandonment lives and my thoughts of unworthiness. Which is not fair to either one of us really or the feelings we feel for each other. I am not the only one with something to loose or the possibility of being hurt.
I want more than anything to learn to not compare myself so much to everyone else.
I want to learn to create a safe and comfortable place with in me. Like I use to have. A quiet calm place.
Then maybe when I choose to bring some one in close to me there is a place to be instead of this tight little ball of crazy.
I want to run on the beach flying a kite till I fall down in the sand thinking only of the sound of waves and my continued breathing.
Things are really not so bad. But there are always improvements that can be made. Living to grow. Living to be better. Living to live to my fullest potential.
Hope all is well with everyone.
<3 Evey <3
P.S. I think next time will be a picture post.