2 Broke Girls/Avengers/Thor Fic: Versus the Metaphorical Goatee Part 1/?
Title: Versus the Metaphorical Goatee (1/?)
Fandom: 2 Broke Girls/The Avengers/Thor
Pairings: Max/Caroline, Darcy/Clint, Steve/Tony(implied)
Summary: Things don’t end well for people Thor looks at like they’re evil twins.
Author's Notes: I think smittywing gets all the blame for this one. And the thanks for the beta. :)
"Did you feel that?" Han demanded anxiously, out of nowhere.
"I haven't felt anything in years," Max told him dryly, as Caroline swept by her, scooping up Table Four's order.
"The shaking," Han insisted.
"Yeah, the last time I felt the Earth move," Max cracked, "I was a lot drunker than this.” When Han didn’t laugh, Max sighed. “Look, it was probably--”
There was a weird rumbling noise and, as if on cue, the ground rocked under them, sending Caroline’s tray (and its Salisbury steak) flying.
“Oh shit,” Max swore fervently. “Not another earthquake, are you kidding me?”
“That was a five hundred year event,” Caroline said, making sad faces at the idiot who ordered the unidentified meat product and picking the plate off the floor like it was contaminated. (Which it probably was.)
There was another rumble and something that sounded like what explosions sounded like in the movies.
Max set down the cupcake tray. “Was that...?”
And then, surprisingly distinct over another rumble, was a shout. “Avengers Assemble!”
Max, Caroline, Han, Oleg, Earl, and every customer in the place ran to the door to look outside. Max had to elbow a few people to get to the front (she got Han in the eye but superhero stalking was serious business) but she and Caroline were smushed up close, watching the Avengers kicking the ass of some giant lizard thing.
“That’s like Godzilla. Only actually scary,” Caroline whispered.
“Oleg, touch my ass one more time and I’m feeding you to Godzilla,” Max snapped. Out in the street Iron Man flew by, shooting his hand lasers at Godzilla. “This is so awesome,” Max said reverently.
Captain America threw his shield right into Godzilla’s face and it let out a roar of pain that was something close to deafening.
Caroline sighed, heartfelt and full of longing.
“Captain America?” Max asked in disgust. “You have a crush on Captain America?”
“He’s an American hero who’s literally the peak of human perfection.” Caroline smiled beatifically. “How can you not want to tap that?”
“He’s boring,” Max objected. “Way too perfect and he has wings on his helmet.”
“My man Thor has wings on his helmet and there ain’t anything wrong with that,” Earl cut in.
“Thor’s a god. Fashion sense is not required,” Max conceded the point.
“The Black Widow is my favorite.” Han reached out to touch the reflection of the red-headed, leather-wearing superhero on the glass door. “She is terrifying.”
The Black Widow did some complicated somersault thing that let her shoot Godzilla in the eye. “Not gonna disagree,” Max said, wincing.
“Oh my god,” Caroline gasped. “It’s going down!”
Godzilla careened through the street, feet taking out abandoned hot dog carts and the table of knockoff sunglasses. It stumbled further down, getting closer and closer until it finally fell, its head perilously close to the front of diner.
“Wow.” Max pressed her face to the glass. “It’s so close you can see its scales.”
“It’s dead, right?” Caroline put her hands on Max’s shoulders. “Tell me it’s dead.”
“It’s totally dead and we are totally taking a picture with it. Grab your phone Caroline!” Max pushed and shoved until everyone had backed up enough for her to open the door. They all ran outside.
There were a lot of looky-loos in the street already, included some panicky criers and a kid who was covered in dust.
“This is so awesome!” Max cheered. She snagged Caroline’s phone out of her hand and took two pictures of Godzilla’s lolling tongue and blank open eyes. Then she grabbed Caroline and got one of the two of them in front of the lolling tongue and dead eyes.
“The city gets weirder and weirder!” Earl shook his head. “Thought this shit only happened in California.”
“Iron Man moved here from California, right?” Max offered.
One of the customers shrieked Iron Man’s name. Oleg clapped his hands together. “He is coming over here!” and, no lie, the guy sounded pretty psyched. Max bet that Oleg would table sixty-nine Iron Man all day long.
Caroline did a roadrunner.
“Hey, hey!” Max grabbed her arm and bodily hauled her back outside. “We just got rescued by Iron Man. We are not leaving here without getting our boobs autographed.”
“That’s Tony Stark.” Caroline was hilariously scandalized.
“Like you haven’t gotten someone to sign your boobs before,” Max scoffed. And then reconsidered. “You just ran like you did when that douche came into the diner. Did you date Iron Man?”
“No!” Caroline took horrified and leveled up. “He’s a friend of my fathers! Or was a friend, you know, before.”
“So you don’t have dibs is what you’re saying.” Max found it was important to not let yourself be distracted from the salient points and to not let Caroline dwell on the mess that was her dad’s life. And happily, she often managed to combine the two.
Caroline made a face. “Please tell me you’re joking.”
“Are you kidding?” Max snorted. “I’d totally tap that.”
Caroline looked mutinous for a good moment before putting on a determinedly pleasant expression. Which meant Iron Man had to be standing behind Max.
“You ladies all right?” The mechanical but still sexy voice of Iron Man asked.
“Hell. Yes.” Max dug around in her apron for a pen. “That was freaking awesome.”
“Hello Mr. Stark,” Caroline said awkwardly, edging back behind Max, probably trying to hide the uniform.
Iron Man tilted his head for a moment before the front of the helmet opened up. It was possibly the coolest thing Max had seen in her life.
“Caroline Channing?” Tony Stark asked, totally disbelieving.
Caroline smiled an unhappy smile and waved. “Nice to see you again. Saving the neighborhood. And all that.”
Max was a little concerned that Caroline’s obvious desire for death was going to ruin her chance to get autographed cleavage and then Thor came into view, twirling his awesome hammer, cape trailing behind him.
“Best day ever!” Max clasped a hand to her heart and thanked the universe.
“Tony, my friend,” Thor, the fucking god of thunder shouted as he landed next to freaking Iron Man. “I do not think it wise to allow your leaders of cheer to arrive at a battle before it is won.”
“They’re not my cheerleaders,” Tony Stark said. “They're just color-coded for my convenience.”
Max frowned. “Sleeping with you is sounding less appealing by the second.”
And then Thor (the god of thunder, seriously the god of thunder, what the hell) stepped forward and said, “Darcy?”
“Max,” Max said. “I thought his name was Thor. Is Darcy godspeak for Thor?”
“You are not Darcy Lewis?” Thor’s expression darkened. And with it the sky.
“Max...” Caroline reached out and snagged Max’s hand. Max hung onto it like a woman going into labor.
“No,” she said, slowly and clearly in case fast talk got the big man angry. “I’m Max. Why are you looking at me like I’m somebody’s evil twin?
Max has seen the news. Things don’t end well for people Thor looks at like they’re evil twins.
“Huh.” Iron Man said.
Yeah. Max totally wasn’t going to sleep with him.
Next
Fandom: 2 Broke Girls/The Avengers/Thor
Pairings: Max/Caroline, Darcy/Clint, Steve/Tony(implied)
Summary: Things don’t end well for people Thor looks at like they’re evil twins.
Author's Notes: I think smittywing gets all the blame for this one. And the thanks for the beta. :)
"Did you feel that?" Han demanded anxiously, out of nowhere.
"I haven't felt anything in years," Max told him dryly, as Caroline swept by her, scooping up Table Four's order.
"The shaking," Han insisted.
"Yeah, the last time I felt the Earth move," Max cracked, "I was a lot drunker than this.” When Han didn’t laugh, Max sighed. “Look, it was probably--”
There was a weird rumbling noise and, as if on cue, the ground rocked under them, sending Caroline’s tray (and its Salisbury steak) flying.
“Oh shit,” Max swore fervently. “Not another earthquake, are you kidding me?”
“That was a five hundred year event,” Caroline said, making sad faces at the idiot who ordered the unidentified meat product and picking the plate off the floor like it was contaminated. (Which it probably was.)
There was another rumble and something that sounded like what explosions sounded like in the movies.
Max set down the cupcake tray. “Was that...?”
And then, surprisingly distinct over another rumble, was a shout. “Avengers Assemble!”
Max, Caroline, Han, Oleg, Earl, and every customer in the place ran to the door to look outside. Max had to elbow a few people to get to the front (she got Han in the eye but superhero stalking was serious business) but she and Caroline were smushed up close, watching the Avengers kicking the ass of some giant lizard thing.
“That’s like Godzilla. Only actually scary,” Caroline whispered.
“Oleg, touch my ass one more time and I’m feeding you to Godzilla,” Max snapped. Out in the street Iron Man flew by, shooting his hand lasers at Godzilla. “This is so awesome,” Max said reverently.
Captain America threw his shield right into Godzilla’s face and it let out a roar of pain that was something close to deafening.
Caroline sighed, heartfelt and full of longing.
“Captain America?” Max asked in disgust. “You have a crush on Captain America?”
“He’s an American hero who’s literally the peak of human perfection.” Caroline smiled beatifically. “How can you not want to tap that?”
“He’s boring,” Max objected. “Way too perfect and he has wings on his helmet.”
“My man Thor has wings on his helmet and there ain’t anything wrong with that,” Earl cut in.
“Thor’s a god. Fashion sense is not required,” Max conceded the point.
“The Black Widow is my favorite.” Han reached out to touch the reflection of the red-headed, leather-wearing superhero on the glass door. “She is terrifying.”
The Black Widow did some complicated somersault thing that let her shoot Godzilla in the eye. “Not gonna disagree,” Max said, wincing.
“Oh my god,” Caroline gasped. “It’s going down!”
Godzilla careened through the street, feet taking out abandoned hot dog carts and the table of knockoff sunglasses. It stumbled further down, getting closer and closer until it finally fell, its head perilously close to the front of diner.
“Wow.” Max pressed her face to the glass. “It’s so close you can see its scales.”
“It’s dead, right?” Caroline put her hands on Max’s shoulders. “Tell me it’s dead.”
“It’s totally dead and we are totally taking a picture with it. Grab your phone Caroline!” Max pushed and shoved until everyone had backed up enough for her to open the door. They all ran outside.
There were a lot of looky-loos in the street already, included some panicky criers and a kid who was covered in dust.
“This is so awesome!” Max cheered. She snagged Caroline’s phone out of her hand and took two pictures of Godzilla’s lolling tongue and blank open eyes. Then she grabbed Caroline and got one of the two of them in front of the lolling tongue and dead eyes.
“The city gets weirder and weirder!” Earl shook his head. “Thought this shit only happened in California.”
“Iron Man moved here from California, right?” Max offered.
One of the customers shrieked Iron Man’s name. Oleg clapped his hands together. “He is coming over here!” and, no lie, the guy sounded pretty psyched. Max bet that Oleg would table sixty-nine Iron Man all day long.
Caroline did a roadrunner.
“Hey, hey!” Max grabbed her arm and bodily hauled her back outside. “We just got rescued by Iron Man. We are not leaving here without getting our boobs autographed.”
“That’s Tony Stark.” Caroline was hilariously scandalized.
“Like you haven’t gotten someone to sign your boobs before,” Max scoffed. And then reconsidered. “You just ran like you did when that douche came into the diner. Did you date Iron Man?”
“No!” Caroline took horrified and leveled up. “He’s a friend of my fathers! Or was a friend, you know, before.”
“So you don’t have dibs is what you’re saying.” Max found it was important to not let yourself be distracted from the salient points and to not let Caroline dwell on the mess that was her dad’s life. And happily, she often managed to combine the two.
Caroline made a face. “Please tell me you’re joking.”
“Are you kidding?” Max snorted. “I’d totally tap that.”
Caroline looked mutinous for a good moment before putting on a determinedly pleasant expression. Which meant Iron Man had to be standing behind Max.
“You ladies all right?” The mechanical but still sexy voice of Iron Man asked.
“Hell. Yes.” Max dug around in her apron for a pen. “That was freaking awesome.”
“Hello Mr. Stark,” Caroline said awkwardly, edging back behind Max, probably trying to hide the uniform.
Iron Man tilted his head for a moment before the front of the helmet opened up. It was possibly the coolest thing Max had seen in her life.
“Caroline Channing?” Tony Stark asked, totally disbelieving.
Caroline smiled an unhappy smile and waved. “Nice to see you again. Saving the neighborhood. And all that.”
Max was a little concerned that Caroline’s obvious desire for death was going to ruin her chance to get autographed cleavage and then Thor came into view, twirling his awesome hammer, cape trailing behind him.
“Best day ever!” Max clasped a hand to her heart and thanked the universe.
“Tony, my friend,” Thor, the fucking god of thunder shouted as he landed next to freaking Iron Man. “I do not think it wise to allow your leaders of cheer to arrive at a battle before it is won.”
“They’re not my cheerleaders,” Tony Stark said. “They're just color-coded for my convenience.”
Max frowned. “Sleeping with you is sounding less appealing by the second.”
And then Thor (the god of thunder, seriously the god of thunder, what the hell) stepped forward and said, “Darcy?”
“Max,” Max said. “I thought his name was Thor. Is Darcy godspeak for Thor?”
“You are not Darcy Lewis?” Thor’s expression darkened. And with it the sky.
“Max...” Caroline reached out and snagged Max’s hand. Max hung onto it like a woman going into labor.
“No,” she said, slowly and clearly in case fast talk got the big man angry. “I’m Max. Why are you looking at me like I’m somebody’s evil twin?
Max has seen the news. Things don’t end well for people Thor looks at like they’re evil twins.
“Huh.” Iron Man said.
Yeah. Max totally wasn’t going to sleep with him.
Next