I think that it would be worth your while to do some research on open relationships. Maybe go into a really good sex store--someplace like Babeland in NYC and Seattle, Good Vibrations in San Fran, or Good For Her and Come As You Are in Toronto--and ask for book recommendations. Or, heck, if you don't have a store like that in your area, email one of the stores I mentioned. I have been to Good For Her many times, and I am confident that the staff would be understanding, and I have been told that one of them is a Christian. I know that they welcome email requests for advice, because they post advice questions and answers on their website. Their contact page is here. (Edited to add: I just realized that their book section actually has a subsection on open relationships! That part of their online store is here. They ship discreetly
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Thank you everyone for your responses. I appreciate your advice. Here is the situation with my wife. You can forget about anything resembling Marijuana. She is a stinkler for avoiding anything illegal. As far as massage, it is a roll of the dice as she has done it. Sometimes it works, sometimes not, but when it does, it is very short lived. She has some other complications that are too numerous to mention. The Fibromyalgia is the main culprit. As far as other methods of sex..that is kind of in the same as penetrative sex. It is not wether it is penetrative or not, it is the fact she is being touched period. There are times that bedsheets hurt
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Re: Response to allpapermoonriverMay 2 2009, 18:48:06 UTC
Well certainly keep us updated as things progress. I believe that love can take many forms, and in this instance it sounds like the best way to love your wife as yourself is to seek some pleasure and relief outside the relationship. It might even make you a better husband. Are you more leaning toward finding a girlfriend on the side, or more along the line of one-night stands? The best of luck to you sir, and we'll all be here if you need us. I don't think you should have anything to feel guilty about -- only you can know what you need to do.
Re: Response to allwellspouseMay 2 2009, 19:08:16 UTC
Papermoonriver and all,
Thank you once again. To answer your question as to which way I am leaning. I am open to either. This is all too new. I don't expect it will be easy as this kind of situation is not unique, rather it is almost taboo. To many women who would find that I am married it would scare them away. The ideal situation would be to find a woman who is in a similar situation as I am. I figure, we could be surogates to each other what our spouses are unable to and actually become friends in the process. But then I am merely speculating. Again, thank you.
Re: Response to alltenchanMay 2 2009, 20:05:16 UTC
All I can say, is whatever you do, research and make your expectations crystal clear from the start. It may not prevent drama or other issues, but, at least when you set your boundaries, they're set.
One of my exes and I explored 'swinger', I researched the tar out of it and decided that it may not be for me. (I think of 'Swinger lifestyle', 'polyamoury', etc as different things...some might not.) All I can say is whatever you do, do it with your ears and eyes wide open.
i second all the comments that welcome you and commend you for having the guts and honesty to come here and approach this situation in the first place!
Just thought you might like to know that it's quite possible to have a loving relationship that happens to be open. i always thought i'd feel dirty or wrong about it, but it's going on three years and the key is honesty--the moment you start to feel weird about it, you've got to know you can open your mouth. Oddly enough, once everybody knows that, it seems to prevent most of the weird feelings that would come up in the first place, and we've kept it mostly drama- and pain-free.
i definitely get that you'd want to save your wife the heartache of knowing you'd gone somewhere else, though. You have my sympathy--i'm not sure i could keep such an important secret to save the feelings of someone i love.
You know, I have always thought that its kind of crazy, the expectations we have for relationships/marriage. We want to find someone who is a good match sexually, and ALSO is a good partner to live with, to be life partners with. Those things don't always come together, for whatever reason. Sometimes its because the things that make people exciting sex partners can also make them bad life-partners. Sometimes its because of an illness, or a simple difference in sex drive.
But that's ok. A relationship can still be a really wonderful, beautiful, positive relationship...even if someone is turning elsewhere for their sexual needs. I think of it sort of like...my partner doesn't like antique shopping. But I have other friends to go antiquing with, and that's ok. You know?
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Thank you once again. To answer your question as to which way I am leaning. I am open to either. This is all too new. I don't expect it will be easy as this kind of situation is not unique, rather it is almost taboo. To many women who would find that I am married it would scare them away. The ideal situation would be to find a woman who is in a similar situation as I am. I figure, we could be surogates to each other what our spouses are unable to and actually become friends in the process. But then I am merely speculating. Again, thank you.
Reply
One of my exes and I explored 'swinger', I researched the tar out of it and decided that it may not be for me. (I think of 'Swinger lifestyle', 'polyamoury', etc as different things...some might not.) All I can say is whatever you do, do it with your ears and eyes wide open.
Reply
Just thought you might like to know that it's quite possible to have a loving relationship that happens to be open. i always thought i'd feel dirty or wrong about it, but it's going on three years and the key is honesty--the moment you start to feel weird about it, you've got to know you can open your mouth. Oddly enough, once everybody knows that, it seems to prevent most of the weird feelings that would come up in the first place, and we've kept it mostly drama- and pain-free.
i definitely get that you'd want to save your wife the heartache of knowing you'd gone somewhere else, though. You have my sympathy--i'm not sure i could keep such an important secret to save the feelings of someone i love.
Reply
But that's ok. A relationship can still be a really wonderful, beautiful, positive relationship...even if someone is turning elsewhere for their sexual needs. I think of it sort of like...my partner doesn't like antique shopping. But I have other friends to go antiquing with, and that's ok. You know?
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