Friend
This was originally locked to just Katy.
Today was a very long, frustrating day. I was very upbeat throughout, perversely enough. That may be why it was frustrating. When I'm down, everything sucks. When I'm up, it becomes a series of very specific instances.
I left the apartment at 8:30 this morning. Later than I want to be doing, but given when I've been getting up, it is consistent and normal. I didn't get into work until a hair before 9:30. Traffic was that backed up. Should have been a warning sign, but I wasn't even annoyed with the traffic coming in.
The morning was uneventful, for good or ill. Just before noon, I went over to bowl. Pretty weather when I went over there and came back - mid-40s, snow still on the ground, clear, a bit misty. Pretty. I bowled unsuccessfully. The first and last balls I threw down the lanes were both gutterballs. In between wasn't much better. The two games, total, I bowled a 90-something and an 84. My average is something a hair over a hundred, and the last couple weeks I've beaten my average every game. But that's alright. I took it philosophically, figuring that there are up and down weeks. What the hell, it's just a game, and I'd been on a hot streak. Jim wasn't feeling well enough to even bowl with me, so I was in better shape than some.
The afternoon, sitting around the office, was also quite uneventful. I was reading the Retief! stories by Keith Laumer on Baen Free, mostly. I had decided to go to dinner with the crowd with Meesh earlier in the week. That is, I decided earlier in the week, dinner was tonight, at Chevy's, at 6:30. I left a bit later than I wanted to, at quarter til six. But wait a moment. Though I walked briskly straight from the office to the car, when I got in and started the car, it was already 6PM. Rather later than I intended. I supposed that I'd compare my work computer clock to time.gov tomorrow. I still figure that, I guess.
The path I took to get to Chevy's (the one in greenbelt) was the beltway, and then figure out how to get from there up 193 quickly. Going down 270 to the beltway for ten miles was easy, though it was now extremely foggy, and sporadically rainy. As I reached the beltway, though... I suppose it doesn't need describing. It was the beltway in rainy, misty weather, in near rush-hour. I took that philosophically too, even thinking up a few jokes to tell as to why I was late. They involved trying to be "above average" driving, and such. (hint: if I were truly "above average" driving, I wouldn't be driving on the beltway :). I did my usual skating amongst the traffic, making ok speed. It looked like I would reach Chevy's around quarter to seven. Not bad time, considering.
When I was getting close to college park/greenbelt, it was time to figure out how to go. I had been thinking about taking the BW parkway from the beltway to 193 before cutting over, but on the radio it was backed up pretty solidly. So I jumped off at 201 (kenniworth) instead, as I glimpsed a sign that said it would get me over to greenbelt road. Went north on 201. Passed lots of familiar roads... Powder Mill, Sunnyside, Edmonston. It wasn't until about twenty minutes on it that I finally clued into the fact that I'd gone the wrong way on 201. What clued me in was the fact that it narrowed down to a one-lane road. Not two... one. Residential. So I turned around and headed back. A bit pissed off at myself, but nothing that wouldn't ease up over dinner, if they were still there. I should know these roads by now, eh?
Thankfully, they were, and someone else was just getting there at the same time as I did (maybe quarter after seven... I drove rather more quickly than I should on the way back down 201). Not someone I knew, but it was at least someone showing up as late as I did. He was friendly enough, we chatted over on another table for awhile, as they'd filled up the multi-tables Meesh had pulled together. She came over for a bit and chatted with us, she asked after you. It eased the frustration of turning the wrong way trying to get here.
As usual, Meesh's party had gotten there somewhat late, so people were just getting their food as we ordered. Given how quickly I eat - even not able to open my mouth fully - we were caught up by the end of dinner. A couple people left after eating - Meesh's stepdaughter and her boyfriend, I think (the stepdaughter's boyfriend) - and me and my compatriot at the kiddie table joined the main crowd. A half dozen of us ordered ice-cream like things for dessert, and we gabbed over that. Meesh let loose that it was her birthday over the weekend, and thanked us for not letting the wait-staff know. So, of course, someone did. Fun. She was properly annoyed.
We broke out of there around quarter to nine. Relaxing, upbeat.. it fit the mood I'd been in all day. I felt more a part than I had the last time I went, though I knew fewer people (Aaron wasn't there). No one needed a ride home, so I wandered off, got in the car. The car started just fine (it typically does). The only problem was that the gearshift wouldn't budge out of park.
Some background - I had the same problem earlier in the week, and after ten minutes of fiddling it finally went. I had the same problem before going to bowling today, but pressing the brake in all the way when attempting to shift into reverse succeeded. So I figured that it must just be that I haven't been pushing the brake in enough, but it'd sort itself out. Ten minutes later, I turned the car off, went into the wendy's next door to Chevy's, and took a leak. Was looking for a pay phone to call Mom, but they didn't have one. At least it gave the car a chance to cool down and maybe work. Came back, tried again. No dice. I brought out the car's manual, looked up gearshift in the index. Read through a section.
Hey, cool! It has a small section on what to do if you can't get the damn thing out of park. Turn the car off; put the parking brake on; turn the ignition to "off" (the first setting past putting the key int he slot); put the car in neutral; start the car; shift as usual. That didn't work either. Then I went into Chevy's, asked if they had a pay phone. They didn't, but they did have a courtesy phone. I could use the phone card on it, fine.
No one home at Mom's. Well, ok. Next I'd try Barbara's cell, and see if that worked, after futzing with the car a bit more. Mom knew where the Chevy's was, Barbara wouldn't. Went back out. Fiddled with it the normal way for another ten. Tried the new, improved way. Success. Finally, at 9:30, I pull out of the parking lot, and head back up 193.
For the weather-conscious, it was still misty, but the rain was definitely more consistent and stronger. Lots of water on the road, from the rain and warmth melting all the snow. Turned onto Kennelworth to get back on the beltway, to go back to the apartment. Well, I tried to. The guy in front of me stopped in the turn ramp to make sure no one was coming. I thought he had enough space - I wasn't crowding, I was feeling relieved that the car was actually going where I wanted it to.
I pressed on the brake pedal, but he was still stopped, coming up too fast. Pushed it all the way down, felt the wheels lock up. Tires squealing, squealing, slam! Fuck. Put the car in park - prayed a quick one to hope that I could get it back -out- of park this time - and got out into the rain. It took me a minute to find the emergency blinkers, so three guys had gotten out of the car in front of me. They were opening and closing the trunk, glancing around their bumper. It seemed to do no damage to their car, no damage to them, so they suggested just letting it go. At a cursory glance, mine seemed fine, so I was willing. I still haven't looked too closely. I don't want to.
Got back in the car, to carry on. Of course the car wouldn't drop out of park. Tried the new, improved method, which worked immediately. Relief. Turned onto Kennelworth, took the first exit onto the beltway. Back to the apartment, and safety.
I noticed that I was going the wrong way on the beltway when I passed 450. I barely got off on 50, the next exit, to try and figure how to loop back around. Got off on the first exit off there, on 704, because I saw signs directing to 495 on it. Came up to the stoplight off the ramp from 50... damn, both lanes are going left, and the signs I saw were off to the right. Turned illegally to the right, no one seemed to be watching.
Made it uneventfully home from there, thankfully. It felt all the way home like everyone I began to pass would half-lane me, blocking my way. I'm sure it wasn't the case, as my nerves were completely shot by that point. My heart and stomach felt like they'd been reversed - the stomach kept rising and raising bile into my throat when I'd narrowly miss another problem, my heart was racing, and felt like it'd just dropped out of my chest. It was still racing when I was talking to you on the phone, and my legs were shaking coming up the elevator.
That's why I called you. I was still feeling ok underneath, but there was a big swath of frustration wrapped around the feel-good. And got the reassurance I was looking for, in all truth. It at least loosened up some of the frustration. The end of the phone call was as it was because I was choking up, trying not to cry. Tough to talk when that happens.
I broke a vow when I called you this evening. I'd sworn to myself on Sunday that I wouldn't call you this week, that if you wanted to talk verbally to me, you'd call yourself. You are certainly capable of it. I know it's not your favorite form of communication, and I certainly thank you for the time spent chatting on instant messenger these past few nights. It's not the same to me, but it's something significant.
But I've been pestering you nonstop on the phone. Harassing, stalking, it seems like. So I wouldn't call. It hurt terribly when I called, especially when you still have that sore throat. I'm so fucking weak, I'm a worm. I can't even keep my vows to myself. How can I keep vows to and with someone else? You are my best friend, and I lean on you like I lean on no one else... and I seem to work at removing your willingness to be there for me. But you're still always there, reassuring. I don't know why you continue to support me.
I very nearly cried myself to sleep tonight, but after I got it out, this screed was running through my mind and not letting me drift off. Much of it is what I would have said on the phone.
Looking back over it, it is extremely self-centered, as the phone call would have been. I didn't even ask you how your presentation went today, or how you were doing beyond your throat, merely making jokes about getting enough fluids. I suppose it can be selfish here in the journal. I hope to hear how your presentation went (I think you had a presentation today, leading the discussion on the colloquium from Monday). I hope you're feeling much improved over this coming weekend, and through your end of semester.
Today was a very long, frustrating day. I was very upbeat throughout, perversely enough. That may be why it was frustrating. When I'm down, everything sucks. When I'm up, it becomes a series of very specific instances.
I left the apartment at 8:30 this morning. Later than I want to be doing, but given when I've been getting up, it is consistent and normal. I didn't get into work until a hair before 9:30. Traffic was that backed up. Should have been a warning sign, but I wasn't even annoyed with the traffic coming in.
The morning was uneventful, for good or ill. Just before noon, I went over to bowl. Pretty weather when I went over there and came back - mid-40s, snow still on the ground, clear, a bit misty. Pretty. I bowled unsuccessfully. The first and last balls I threw down the lanes were both gutterballs. In between wasn't much better. The two games, total, I bowled a 90-something and an 84. My average is something a hair over a hundred, and the last couple weeks I've beaten my average every game. But that's alright. I took it philosophically, figuring that there are up and down weeks. What the hell, it's just a game, and I'd been on a hot streak. Jim wasn't feeling well enough to even bowl with me, so I was in better shape than some.
The afternoon, sitting around the office, was also quite uneventful. I was reading the Retief! stories by Keith Laumer on Baen Free, mostly. I had decided to go to dinner with the crowd with Meesh earlier in the week. That is, I decided earlier in the week, dinner was tonight, at Chevy's, at 6:30. I left a bit later than I wanted to, at quarter til six. But wait a moment. Though I walked briskly straight from the office to the car, when I got in and started the car, it was already 6PM. Rather later than I intended. I supposed that I'd compare my work computer clock to time.gov tomorrow. I still figure that, I guess.
The path I took to get to Chevy's (the one in greenbelt) was the beltway, and then figure out how to get from there up 193 quickly. Going down 270 to the beltway for ten miles was easy, though it was now extremely foggy, and sporadically rainy. As I reached the beltway, though... I suppose it doesn't need describing. It was the beltway in rainy, misty weather, in near rush-hour. I took that philosophically too, even thinking up a few jokes to tell as to why I was late. They involved trying to be "above average" driving, and such. (hint: if I were truly "above average" driving, I wouldn't be driving on the beltway :). I did my usual skating amongst the traffic, making ok speed. It looked like I would reach Chevy's around quarter to seven. Not bad time, considering.
When I was getting close to college park/greenbelt, it was time to figure out how to go. I had been thinking about taking the BW parkway from the beltway to 193 before cutting over, but on the radio it was backed up pretty solidly. So I jumped off at 201 (kenniworth) instead, as I glimpsed a sign that said it would get me over to greenbelt road. Went north on 201. Passed lots of familiar roads... Powder Mill, Sunnyside, Edmonston. It wasn't until about twenty minutes on it that I finally clued into the fact that I'd gone the wrong way on 201. What clued me in was the fact that it narrowed down to a one-lane road. Not two... one. Residential. So I turned around and headed back. A bit pissed off at myself, but nothing that wouldn't ease up over dinner, if they were still there. I should know these roads by now, eh?
Thankfully, they were, and someone else was just getting there at the same time as I did (maybe quarter after seven... I drove rather more quickly than I should on the way back down 201). Not someone I knew, but it was at least someone showing up as late as I did. He was friendly enough, we chatted over on another table for awhile, as they'd filled up the multi-tables Meesh had pulled together. She came over for a bit and chatted with us, she asked after you. It eased the frustration of turning the wrong way trying to get here.
As usual, Meesh's party had gotten there somewhat late, so people were just getting their food as we ordered. Given how quickly I eat - even not able to open my mouth fully - we were caught up by the end of dinner. A couple people left after eating - Meesh's stepdaughter and her boyfriend, I think (the stepdaughter's boyfriend) - and me and my compatriot at the kiddie table joined the main crowd. A half dozen of us ordered ice-cream like things for dessert, and we gabbed over that. Meesh let loose that it was her birthday over the weekend, and thanked us for not letting the wait-staff know. So, of course, someone did. Fun. She was properly annoyed.
We broke out of there around quarter to nine. Relaxing, upbeat.. it fit the mood I'd been in all day. I felt more a part than I had the last time I went, though I knew fewer people (Aaron wasn't there). No one needed a ride home, so I wandered off, got in the car. The car started just fine (it typically does). The only problem was that the gearshift wouldn't budge out of park.
Some background - I had the same problem earlier in the week, and after ten minutes of fiddling it finally went. I had the same problem before going to bowling today, but pressing the brake in all the way when attempting to shift into reverse succeeded. So I figured that it must just be that I haven't been pushing the brake in enough, but it'd sort itself out. Ten minutes later, I turned the car off, went into the wendy's next door to Chevy's, and took a leak. Was looking for a pay phone to call Mom, but they didn't have one. At least it gave the car a chance to cool down and maybe work. Came back, tried again. No dice. I brought out the car's manual, looked up gearshift in the index. Read through a section.
Hey, cool! It has a small section on what to do if you can't get the damn thing out of park. Turn the car off; put the parking brake on; turn the ignition to "off" (the first setting past putting the key int he slot); put the car in neutral; start the car; shift as usual. That didn't work either. Then I went into Chevy's, asked if they had a pay phone. They didn't, but they did have a courtesy phone. I could use the phone card on it, fine.
No one home at Mom's. Well, ok. Next I'd try Barbara's cell, and see if that worked, after futzing with the car a bit more. Mom knew where the Chevy's was, Barbara wouldn't. Went back out. Fiddled with it the normal way for another ten. Tried the new, improved way. Success. Finally, at 9:30, I pull out of the parking lot, and head back up 193.
For the weather-conscious, it was still misty, but the rain was definitely more consistent and stronger. Lots of water on the road, from the rain and warmth melting all the snow. Turned onto Kennelworth to get back on the beltway, to go back to the apartment. Well, I tried to. The guy in front of me stopped in the turn ramp to make sure no one was coming. I thought he had enough space - I wasn't crowding, I was feeling relieved that the car was actually going where I wanted it to.
I pressed on the brake pedal, but he was still stopped, coming up too fast. Pushed it all the way down, felt the wheels lock up. Tires squealing, squealing, slam! Fuck. Put the car in park - prayed a quick one to hope that I could get it back -out- of park this time - and got out into the rain. It took me a minute to find the emergency blinkers, so three guys had gotten out of the car in front of me. They were opening and closing the trunk, glancing around their bumper. It seemed to do no damage to their car, no damage to them, so they suggested just letting it go. At a cursory glance, mine seemed fine, so I was willing. I still haven't looked too closely. I don't want to.
Got back in the car, to carry on. Of course the car wouldn't drop out of park. Tried the new, improved method, which worked immediately. Relief. Turned onto Kennelworth, took the first exit onto the beltway. Back to the apartment, and safety.
I noticed that I was going the wrong way on the beltway when I passed 450. I barely got off on 50, the next exit, to try and figure how to loop back around. Got off on the first exit off there, on 704, because I saw signs directing to 495 on it. Came up to the stoplight off the ramp from 50... damn, both lanes are going left, and the signs I saw were off to the right. Turned illegally to the right, no one seemed to be watching.
Made it uneventfully home from there, thankfully. It felt all the way home like everyone I began to pass would half-lane me, blocking my way. I'm sure it wasn't the case, as my nerves were completely shot by that point. My heart and stomach felt like they'd been reversed - the stomach kept rising and raising bile into my throat when I'd narrowly miss another problem, my heart was racing, and felt like it'd just dropped out of my chest. It was still racing when I was talking to you on the phone, and my legs were shaking coming up the elevator.
That's why I called you. I was still feeling ok underneath, but there was a big swath of frustration wrapped around the feel-good. And got the reassurance I was looking for, in all truth. It at least loosened up some of the frustration. The end of the phone call was as it was because I was choking up, trying not to cry. Tough to talk when that happens.
I broke a vow when I called you this evening. I'd sworn to myself on Sunday that I wouldn't call you this week, that if you wanted to talk verbally to me, you'd call yourself. You are certainly capable of it. I know it's not your favorite form of communication, and I certainly thank you for the time spent chatting on instant messenger these past few nights. It's not the same to me, but it's something significant.
But I've been pestering you nonstop on the phone. Harassing, stalking, it seems like. So I wouldn't call. It hurt terribly when I called, especially when you still have that sore throat. I'm so fucking weak, I'm a worm. I can't even keep my vows to myself. How can I keep vows to and with someone else? You are my best friend, and I lean on you like I lean on no one else... and I seem to work at removing your willingness to be there for me. But you're still always there, reassuring. I don't know why you continue to support me.
I very nearly cried myself to sleep tonight, but after I got it out, this screed was running through my mind and not letting me drift off. Much of it is what I would have said on the phone.
Looking back over it, it is extremely self-centered, as the phone call would have been. I didn't even ask you how your presentation went today, or how you were doing beyond your throat, merely making jokes about getting enough fluids. I suppose it can be selfish here in the journal. I hope to hear how your presentation went (I think you had a presentation today, leading the discussion on the colloquium from Monday). I hope you're feeling much improved over this coming weekend, and through your end of semester.