lately i've been writing down my frustrations with people in letters. i address the letter to the person whom i've been thinking about. some of these letters help me get my anger out. most of the letters are just things that i'd like to say to these people but will never be able to. so far there are 3 written to allison, 1 to dad, 1 to mom, 1 ( Read more... )

last night i was writing my english paper on existentialism. i find comfort in that philosphy because it allows me to change whoever i am whenever i choose to. existentialism is all abotu choice, i can choose to be "this" or "that". and it doesn't matter what the "this" is or what "that" is. it only matters that i had made the decision to be ( Read more... )

i've been feeling extremely inadequate the last few days. i feel unwanted, unneeded. with every person that i meet throughout the day, i feel like they aren't interested in anything that i have to say... i feel like they feel that they don't need me anymore. i don't matter to alex, lauren, allison, billy, shawn, mom, dad, jenny, rachel. right ( Read more... )

the end of the semester is approaching rather quickly, now. we have around 4 weeks left. i was thinking last night if four weeks is enough time to fix my relationships here. maybe with alex and billy, they're pretty forgiving. i'm not so sure about allison. i love her to death and i still have feelings for her. i've been thinking that those ( Read more... )

so, we're in english today discussing "the flies" by jean-paul sartre. and we're talking about religion... and the conversation gets turned toward x-tianity. t.c. schmitzer is talking about its faults; more specifically, with sin. so tarra, being th pious missionary that she is; is all like : well, x-st died for your sins and blah, blah, blah ( Read more... )

the first day of april, but this year i'm not playing any jokes. last nights, allison and i finally talked... thank god! i felt so incredibly awkward just being around her this past week. we didn't really resolve anything, at least that's not what i thought happened. i appologized to her for being an ass. and we talked about why i was acting ( Read more... )

so, i did it again. i just couldn't keep my mouth shut and i fucked things up again. i ruined my friendships with lauren, alex, billy, and most of all with allison. we had a conversation on wednesday over AIM and essentially, it was a disater. it's chemistry now, and allison just said "hello" (as is her duty as a friend). lauren came down and ( Read more... )

well then, i supppose that i should start with a character analysis of myself, 'eh ( Read more... )

i'm on spring break now. it's wednesday and i'm incredibly bored. i saw allison last night, she cheered me up a bit, but as is fitting with th see-saw of trouble that is her life i said a few things wrong in the conversation with her today; so, now we're both in a bad mood (or at least one of us is... she's really hard to read sometimes) i called ( Read more... )