My Pessimistic Side.
I don't talk like this often at all. So shut the fuck up. I'm not whining. I was just thinking.
Sometimes I just sit around, and I wonder. I wonder why I am here. And I think that maybe i'm here to help my brother with the many things that he has to go through. I think about it, and my brother doesn't talk about anything, to anyone. I doubt that his friends even know all of the shit he has had to witness throughout his life. He doesn't deserve to have a childhood like that. I wish he had more happy memories of things, like my sister and I have. But he was so young, that only the bad things stick out to him. I just somet imes wish I could make things better for him. I know he hurts inside, he just doesn't say it. He likes things to be happy, such as I do. And he likes to pretend nothing is wrong, like I do.
Everything is a waste of time. I was sitting in the car last night (everyone was drunk/intoxicated but myself) and everything just seemed no longer important. At all. I started thinking about how Liz and I use the earth as our trash can. By throwing all of our trash out the window. (yea, we really do that... all the time). And I remember when I used to care about things like that, about hurting the earth, and the worlds future. I really did care at one time. But why not anymore? Maybe I just grew out of that "I love everyone" thing. Because I am starting to see, that not everyone is as nice, and kind, as I had once thought they were. I like to think that everyone is good at heart, EVERYONE. But it is just getting harder and harder for me to believe that, as I get older.
What is the point of getting a job, and earning money, just to give it back? Or to die and never use it? What is the point, of dwelling on things, that wont matter in 3 months? (Drama) What is the point in crying for5 minutes about something at all? When you know that in 3 hours, you wont be crying, and you probably wont even be really thinking about it. What is the point in trying to find your soulmate, when all that is going to happen is one of you will die alone? I don't want to have kids. Honestly. I don't want to pass on the way that I am. I don't even know if I want to get married. I don't want to die before them, and have them suffer and be alone, and miss me. Or just have them move on, and not miss me at all. Or even the other way around. The world is just a large place of pain. Man eat Man world. No one really cares about the next person. Least no one really cares about me. (that is how I see it). I might even get a lot of shit from people, for saying that last thing, but oh fucking well.
I go to bigger cities, and I pass people by. And all that I seem to think about is how they have so many things on their mind at that moment. I sometimes wonder what their fears are, why they look at the ground when they walk, why they don't look at the ground when they way. I just want to know, what they went through in their life to get them to that point right there. And when I see someone that is crying in the streets, or extrememly sad about things I can't control, or don't even know about. I just want to hug them, and tell them that nothing last forever. Nothing. As weird as that may sound, that is truely what I think about when I am passing people by. Specially homeless people. I can barely look at homeless people. It hurts me.
I always thought I had it pretty bad, you know? But then one day I just thought to myself, that this world is so big. And there are so many people out there, that have it so much worse than I do. Which leads me to hink, why should I be complaining? I don't like to complain about things about my life really, or about things that hurt me a lot. And if I do complain about those things often, I don't mean to. I guess I don't know I'm doing it?
I want everyone to be happy. I know that wont ever happen, because making one person happy, will most likly make another person sad. I hat e being in those situations where you care about both parties, but no matter what decision you make, you are goign to hurt one of them. I hate having to choose which one is more important to me. Everyone is important to me, honestly. Maybe that is why Maggie says that I throw my words around. And I don't really mean what I say, or that I tell everyone the same thing. Which isn't 100% true. I don't tell everyone the same things. I happen to tell her and Jared the same things, because I felt the same way about both of them. They should know what i'm talking about, i'm not about to post it on here for everyone to see. I have a really big heart. Really Big. I care about absolutly everyone, even if they hate me. Like Mandy, and Melinda. I'm such a fuck up.
I hate watching guys fight eachother. I just can't watch it. Even if I don't know the other person, I guess, I still care about them. I hate seeing poeple get hurt, and embarassed, like, I get embarassed for them. If one of them get shurt, I just want to run over and make sure they are ok. Doesn't matter if I know them or not. I just care.
Everything really got to me last night. I don't like Jared drunk. Simple as that. I told Nick to grow some mother fucking balls, because he obviously has none. (he was also drunk) (again, I wasn't drunk, nor stoned). Liz was stoned, and I had to help her go pee in the woods, and she said "Heather... don't let the boys see me pee on myself". I laughed a lot at that. I hung out with Luke last night too. He seems so happy, and I love that. I'm glad he finally found a girl, that could make him happy, even when he isn't with her directly. Why didn't I drink, or Smoke? I guess I just didn't want to. I took a sip of Jason's Samual Adams, but only because he asked me to, to see if it tasted ok. it tasted fine, but there was foam in it like a mother fucker. And I didn't smoke, because smoking makes me sick to my stomach. And I get bored with it. So fuck that. I cried int he car last night on the way to Wal*Mart. Not like balling my eyes out, but like tears just comming every now and then. I don't really know why. I was on the verge of tears all night long. My life is so fucked up, and I can't believe that so many people hate me. I guess everything hurts me a lot more than I let show. I walked away from everyone, a lot last night. I didn't want to be around it..... I just couldn't do it. They all smelled like alcohol really bad, and it bugged me. Not a lot, but enough where I didn't want to be around them.
Everything is just hurting so much. I tried talking to Roy about it, but he said "Whatever. I don't really care. Bye". So I guess that means, I am not ever going to talk to him about those kind of things again. I need to start writting in my actual journal again.
I need to stop bitching and moaning now.