Left Chapter 7 Part A
A/N: I'm soooooo sorry for taking so long to update! Last week was so busy that I didn't have the time! Good news is I had my last TYSA concert so I'll be able to write more on Saturdays! Bad news... This is only part A of chapter 7 because it's all I had ready for you guys... Really sorry it took so long! D: I hope you like it!
Also I had requested for a review a few days ago and I got it back! I was sooooo excited! I got it from Yummy-Greedy! These people are great and I hope you guys go and take a look at their stuff! yummy-greedy.co.nr/
My review will be at the bottom!!!
Chapter Six: red-panda-chan.livejournal.com/2589.html
Chapter Seven:
“Kenny!” I exclaimed happily and jumped up and hugged him tightly.
“Chae Ri!” he exclaimed hugging me back. I looked up and smiled at him, Kenny is like my ultimate big brother. Even though he’s not related to me in any way. He’s 23 going on 24 next month. He’s getting so old but how else would he have been my babysitter when I was younger?
“You’re old now!” I smiled happily.
“Old and engaged!” he replied.
“You finally got up the courage to ask her?” I teased elbowing him in the stomach playfully.
“Actually she said no the first time,” he pondered.
“Really?” my eyes went wide. Well as wide as they get for an Asian.
“Yeah, then I asked her again and she said yes,” he looked down at me. “She said she had to ask her dad first before I get her answer.”
“Who’s engaged to who?” I looked back to remember Ryosuke was still in the room.
“Ryosuke this is Kenny who is now engaged to Kendra,” I said introducing them.
“But I thought Kendra was like seventeen,” he was confused.
“No she’s 22 now I think,” I said thinking about it.
“Turning 23 in two months and ten days,” Kenny stated with a smile.
“You’re counting down to it aren’t you?” I asked bluntly.
“Oh yeah,” his smile turned to a devilish grin.
“Why are you here?” I asked.
“Well dinner is ready so I came to get you for dinner,” he answered.
“Could you just bring it up to us?” I pleaded not wanting to walk downstairs just to have to walk back up them.
“Alright,” he replied walking out of the room. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
When he left to get food I turned around and sat back on the bed with Ryosuke who was sitting patiently. Probably waiting for me to pay attention to him. We sat there for a few moments in awkward silence and then I smiled.
“Come with me,” I grabbed his hand and dragged him out of the room and down the hall.
I kept walking and taking turns until I was sure I was going the right way. I was dragging Ryosuke when suddenly I stopped in front of a white door. I placed my hand on the brass doorknob and turned it and let the door swing open.
Inside was like a dollhouse, the walls were white and there were chairs and a table. It was like a parlor but held so much more. There were pretty paintings around the room, also sculptures, and then there was a giant engine at one end of the room.
“What is this place?” Ryosuke asked walking in.
“It’s my mother’s parlor,” I answered. “Only special people are allowed.”
“And what is this big metal thing in the glass case?” he asked touching the glass.
“I told you my dad was a scientist right?” I asked as he nodded. “Well I guess some of his scientist genes got passed down.”
“What does that have to do with the metal thing in here?” he asked tapping the glass.
“It’s my first, ever built from random parts, engine,” I said remembering the day I built the whole thing. “Most of the items in this room I made, like the paintings and the sculptures.”
“So this is like a Chae Ri room where everything you’ve ever done is put in,” he said looking around.
“Basically if you want to put it that way,” I said as the door opened.
“I knew you’d be in here,” Kenny said. “Jeez, I leave to get you food and you run into another room. I’ll set up dinner in here then.”
He brought in a maid with a food cart and she started to set up the table. I looked at Ryosuke and he was already sitting down in the chair and I sat down across from him. When the two were done they left leaving Ryosuke and I alone again.
“You’re still not going to tell me about the swimming thing are you,” he said taking a bite out of his steak.
“No,” I replied sipping my orange juice.
“Is it really that bad?” he asked looking up at me.
“I just don’t want to tell you,” I smiled teasingly.
“Then at least tell me something,” he started.
“Like what?” I inquired.
“Do you like Misaki?”
“Well of course I do. He’s a nice guy,” I smiled.
“That’s not what I meant,” I knew that’s not what he meant.
“I don’t know… I guess?” I said looking up at him as his face dropped a bit. Was he sad? About me liking someone else?
“Oh,” he looked away.
“Why do you want to know?” I asked.
“… No reason,” he said a light blush forming on his face.
We sat there eating quietly for awhile and it gave me time to think about how I never noticed how cute Ryosuke can be. Why had I not noticed? Noticed this progress of our relationship. I don’t even remember becoming friends with him yet now I feel like I should… Never mind, it doesn’t matter because I like Misaki.
“Chae Riiiii~!” two arms wrapped around my shoulder and looked back to see a wet Yuri in a T-Shirt and swim shorts. “You missed it! The water was so much fun!”
He smiled so cutely that I couldn’t help but giggle. Soon Yuto walked in with Misaki and Keito behind him.
“Whoa! What is this place?” Yuto said looking around.
“This is a Chae Ri museum,” Ryosuke said to Yuto as I glared at him.
“Did you make all these?” Misaki asked gesturing to the things in the room.
“Yeah pretty much,” I smiled at him.
I couldn’t help but catch a glimpse of Ryosuke’s bitter look toward Misaki who was smiling at me. I didn’t want their friendship to break just because of something as stupid as this so I grabbed onto Misaki’s hand.
“Let’s go,” I whispered as Yuri, Keito and Yuto were too preoccupied with the items in the room.
“Where are we going?” he asked as we were heading out of a door leading outside.
“You’ll see,” I smiled as I opened a black gate to a garden.
When we walked in I looked to see Misaki smiling in awe of the garden. Well it has been well kept since I last visited. The flowers weren’t dead yet.
“Wow,” he breathed as I smiled.
“My mom and I used to come here when I was younger,” I said.
“That reminds me,” Misaki turned to me questioningly. “Where is your mother?”
“She died,” I smiled grimly. “When I was seven.”
“I’m sorry,” he said looking as if he meant it.
“It’s alright,” I said. “She loved me very much and that’s all I ever needed.”
“Still…” he trailed off as I shook my head.
“It’s fine.”
He sighed showing the sign of giving up and I turned to look back at the house to see Ryosuke leaning against the railing. He was staring down at us; he was too far away that I couldn’t read the expression on his face.
“Chae Ri! Misaki!” I looked to see Ms. Lee waving at the two of us. We walked over to her.
“Hi Ms. Lee,” I greeted.
“Please, when we’re not in school call me Sun Mi,” she said with a smile.
“Alright,” I agreed. It made me happy that out of school we could be friends instead of student and teacher. “Sun Mi, is there something you need?”
“It’s getting late,” she said. “I’m rounding up the kids for the night. Tomorrow we’re going on a hike!”
“A hike…?” I inquired, there’s only one place here to take a hike to here and that’s the meadow.
[Chapter End]
Got my review from the ever so wonderful yummy-greedy.co.nr/
Title: Left
Author: Red-Panda-Chan
URL: http://red-panda-chan.livejournal.com/1273.html
Reviewer: Kyn
Title: 2/5
At a first glance the title seems a little bland and doesn’t do much to attract the attention of the reader. Other than Chae Ri being left in Japan the title does not relate to the story thus far. A title is the first thing that captures a reader’s attention; although it can be a little difficult sometimes, finding a good title is important.
Overall Appearance: /10
This part is omitted since you do not have a poster or background. Your grade will be out of a 90 rather than 100.
Forewords: 10/10
Your foreword was very versatile. I’m not sure but I think that was meant to be your one shot until you decided to extend the story. It would have worked well as a one shot, but it also made a very good introduction to “Left”. Without you saying things directly the reader was able to find out that Ryosuke is a celebrity, find out about his connection to Chae Ri, and the reader was given some insight into Chae Ri’s personality.
Plot: 12/15
The events of your story seem to fit together well and carry the plot along very well. Almost everything you included has had a part in the progression of the story.
Creativity/Originality: 12/15
Your story has a lot of clichés. Chae Ri not only has a wicked step mother, but evil step sisters, and an imposing grandfather. Somehow as if by magic she gets really lucky and ends up staying with celebs as their maid rather than slumming on the streets. We’re still in the beginning of your story so I would like to see how you put your own twist onto everything and make the story a Red-Panda-Chan creation.
Flow: 10/10
The flow is moving relatively well. The story hasn’t been dragged out and you have a consistent flow of events.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocab.: 13/15
There weren’t many mistakes in spe lling or grammar but sometimes the writing sounded awkward and there were occasional run on sentences. The only thing that needs improving is your wording. However, there was one thing I defiantly loved instead of periods (.) in the quotations you used commas (,); it’s the correct way of formatting dialogue, but many people don’t use it. You got big bonus points for that. I think that you do have the capability to get a very high score in this section if you read it out loud to yourself. Using spell check and reading over it to yourself once isn’t enough, by actually saying everything out loud your mistakes become easier to spot and you can hear for yourself whether it sounds awkward or not.
Writing Style: 8/10
Your writing was very clear and straight to the point; you didn’t waste time beating around the topic, making everything easy to understand. However the only problem was your lack of descriptions. You probably could have gotten full points in this section if you included some more descriptions about the setting and characters. Small things like that make it easier for the reader to grasp the story and it gives your work more of a professional look.
Overall Enjoyment: 10/10
I actually really enjoyed reading this fanfic, I’m not too familiar with Hey Say Jump but you made me want to know more about them and their music. How can I keep updated with the story without having to check for updates daily?
Total: 77/90
*It looks bad when you see the 77 but that’s because it’s out of 90. You actual grade is about 86%.
Also I had requested for a review a few days ago and I got it back! I was sooooo excited! I got it from Yummy-Greedy! These people are great and I hope you guys go and take a look at their stuff! yummy-greedy.co.nr/
My review will be at the bottom!!!
Chapter Six: red-panda-chan.livejournal.com/2589.html
Chapter Seven:
“Kenny!” I exclaimed happily and jumped up and hugged him tightly.
“Chae Ri!” he exclaimed hugging me back. I looked up and smiled at him, Kenny is like my ultimate big brother. Even though he’s not related to me in any way. He’s 23 going on 24 next month. He’s getting so old but how else would he have been my babysitter when I was younger?
“You’re old now!” I smiled happily.
“Old and engaged!” he replied.
“You finally got up the courage to ask her?” I teased elbowing him in the stomach playfully.
“Actually she said no the first time,” he pondered.
“Really?” my eyes went wide. Well as wide as they get for an Asian.
“Yeah, then I asked her again and she said yes,” he looked down at me. “She said she had to ask her dad first before I get her answer.”
“Who’s engaged to who?” I looked back to remember Ryosuke was still in the room.
“Ryosuke this is Kenny who is now engaged to Kendra,” I said introducing them.
“But I thought Kendra was like seventeen,” he was confused.
“No she’s 22 now I think,” I said thinking about it.
“Turning 23 in two months and ten days,” Kenny stated with a smile.
“You’re counting down to it aren’t you?” I asked bluntly.
“Oh yeah,” his smile turned to a devilish grin.
“Why are you here?” I asked.
“Well dinner is ready so I came to get you for dinner,” he answered.
“Could you just bring it up to us?” I pleaded not wanting to walk downstairs just to have to walk back up them.
“Alright,” he replied walking out of the room. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
When he left to get food I turned around and sat back on the bed with Ryosuke who was sitting patiently. Probably waiting for me to pay attention to him. We sat there for a few moments in awkward silence and then I smiled.
“Come with me,” I grabbed his hand and dragged him out of the room and down the hall.
I kept walking and taking turns until I was sure I was going the right way. I was dragging Ryosuke when suddenly I stopped in front of a white door. I placed my hand on the brass doorknob and turned it and let the door swing open.
Inside was like a dollhouse, the walls were white and there were chairs and a table. It was like a parlor but held so much more. There were pretty paintings around the room, also sculptures, and then there was a giant engine at one end of the room.
“What is this place?” Ryosuke asked walking in.
“It’s my mother’s parlor,” I answered. “Only special people are allowed.”
“And what is this big metal thing in the glass case?” he asked touching the glass.
“I told you my dad was a scientist right?” I asked as he nodded. “Well I guess some of his scientist genes got passed down.”
“What does that have to do with the metal thing in here?” he asked tapping the glass.
“It’s my first, ever built from random parts, engine,” I said remembering the day I built the whole thing. “Most of the items in this room I made, like the paintings and the sculptures.”
“So this is like a Chae Ri room where everything you’ve ever done is put in,” he said looking around.
“Basically if you want to put it that way,” I said as the door opened.
“I knew you’d be in here,” Kenny said. “Jeez, I leave to get you food and you run into another room. I’ll set up dinner in here then.”
He brought in a maid with a food cart and she started to set up the table. I looked at Ryosuke and he was already sitting down in the chair and I sat down across from him. When the two were done they left leaving Ryosuke and I alone again.
“You’re still not going to tell me about the swimming thing are you,” he said taking a bite out of his steak.
“No,” I replied sipping my orange juice.
“Is it really that bad?” he asked looking up at me.
“I just don’t want to tell you,” I smiled teasingly.
“Then at least tell me something,” he started.
“Like what?” I inquired.
“Do you like Misaki?”
“Well of course I do. He’s a nice guy,” I smiled.
“That’s not what I meant,” I knew that’s not what he meant.
“I don’t know… I guess?” I said looking up at him as his face dropped a bit. Was he sad? About me liking someone else?
“Oh,” he looked away.
“Why do you want to know?” I asked.
“… No reason,” he said a light blush forming on his face.
We sat there eating quietly for awhile and it gave me time to think about how I never noticed how cute Ryosuke can be. Why had I not noticed? Noticed this progress of our relationship. I don’t even remember becoming friends with him yet now I feel like I should… Never mind, it doesn’t matter because I like Misaki.
“Chae Riiiii~!” two arms wrapped around my shoulder and looked back to see a wet Yuri in a T-Shirt and swim shorts. “You missed it! The water was so much fun!”
He smiled so cutely that I couldn’t help but giggle. Soon Yuto walked in with Misaki and Keito behind him.
“Whoa! What is this place?” Yuto said looking around.
“This is a Chae Ri museum,” Ryosuke said to Yuto as I glared at him.
“Did you make all these?” Misaki asked gesturing to the things in the room.
“Yeah pretty much,” I smiled at him.
I couldn’t help but catch a glimpse of Ryosuke’s bitter look toward Misaki who was smiling at me. I didn’t want their friendship to break just because of something as stupid as this so I grabbed onto Misaki’s hand.
“Let’s go,” I whispered as Yuri, Keito and Yuto were too preoccupied with the items in the room.
“Where are we going?” he asked as we were heading out of a door leading outside.
“You’ll see,” I smiled as I opened a black gate to a garden.
When we walked in I looked to see Misaki smiling in awe of the garden. Well it has been well kept since I last visited. The flowers weren’t dead yet.
“Wow,” he breathed as I smiled.
“My mom and I used to come here when I was younger,” I said.
“That reminds me,” Misaki turned to me questioningly. “Where is your mother?”
“She died,” I smiled grimly. “When I was seven.”
“I’m sorry,” he said looking as if he meant it.
“It’s alright,” I said. “She loved me very much and that’s all I ever needed.”
“Still…” he trailed off as I shook my head.
“It’s fine.”
He sighed showing the sign of giving up and I turned to look back at the house to see Ryosuke leaning against the railing. He was staring down at us; he was too far away that I couldn’t read the expression on his face.
“Chae Ri! Misaki!” I looked to see Ms. Lee waving at the two of us. We walked over to her.
“Hi Ms. Lee,” I greeted.
“Please, when we’re not in school call me Sun Mi,” she said with a smile.
“Alright,” I agreed. It made me happy that out of school we could be friends instead of student and teacher. “Sun Mi, is there something you need?”
“It’s getting late,” she said. “I’m rounding up the kids for the night. Tomorrow we’re going on a hike!”
“A hike…?” I inquired, there’s only one place here to take a hike to here and that’s the meadow.
[Chapter End]
Got my review from the ever so wonderful yummy-greedy.co.nr/
Title: Left
Author: Red-Panda-Chan
URL: http://red-panda-chan.livejournal.com/1273.html
Reviewer: Kyn
Title: 2/5
At a first glance the title seems a little bland and doesn’t do much to attract the attention of the reader. Other than Chae Ri being left in Japan the title does not relate to the story thus far. A title is the first thing that captures a reader’s attention; although it can be a little difficult sometimes, finding a good title is important.
Overall Appearance: /10
This part is omitted since you do not have a poster or background. Your grade will be out of a 90 rather than 100.
Forewords: 10/10
Your foreword was very versatile. I’m not sure but I think that was meant to be your one shot until you decided to extend the story. It would have worked well as a one shot, but it also made a very good introduction to “Left”. Without you saying things directly the reader was able to find out that Ryosuke is a celebrity, find out about his connection to Chae Ri, and the reader was given some insight into Chae Ri’s personality.
Plot: 12/15
The events of your story seem to fit together well and carry the plot along very well. Almost everything you included has had a part in the progression of the story.
Creativity/Originality: 12/15
Your story has a lot of clichés. Chae Ri not only has a wicked step mother, but evil step sisters, and an imposing grandfather. Somehow as if by magic she gets really lucky and ends up staying with celebs as their maid rather than slumming on the streets. We’re still in the beginning of your story so I would like to see how you put your own twist onto everything and make the story a Red-Panda-Chan creation.
Flow: 10/10
The flow is moving relatively well. The story hasn’t been dragged out and you have a consistent flow of events.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocab.: 13/15
There weren’t many mistakes in spe lling or grammar but sometimes the writing sounded awkward and there were occasional run on sentences. The only thing that needs improving is your wording. However, there was one thing I defiantly loved instead of periods (.) in the quotations you used commas (,); it’s the correct way of formatting dialogue, but many people don’t use it. You got big bonus points for that. I think that you do have the capability to get a very high score in this section if you read it out loud to yourself. Using spell check and reading over it to yourself once isn’t enough, by actually saying everything out loud your mistakes become easier to spot and you can hear for yourself whether it sounds awkward or not.
Writing Style: 8/10
Your writing was very clear and straight to the point; you didn’t waste time beating around the topic, making everything easy to understand. However the only problem was your lack of descriptions. You probably could have gotten full points in this section if you included some more descriptions about the setting and characters. Small things like that make it easier for the reader to grasp the story and it gives your work more of a professional look.
Overall Enjoyment: 10/10
I actually really enjoyed reading this fanfic, I’m not too familiar with Hey Say Jump but you made me want to know more about them and their music. How can I keep updated with the story without having to check for updates daily?
Total: 77/90
*It looks bad when you see the 77 but that’s because it’s out of 90. You actual grade is about 86%.