unexpected silences and trouble letting go
I finally did get through to my X about my upcoming move.
On Sunday, I nerved myself up to send an email message to X, telling him about my move. I included a paragraph about my still-mixed feelings, expressing my hope that he wasn't afraid of me (the last time I'd heard from him, back in July, it sounded as if he might be). I read it over, chewed my nails, and hit send.
And I didn't hear back from him.
I sent him a rather difficult letter for Rosh Hashanah, apologizing for having sinned against him (and against myself). In it, I explicitly said that I didn't request or require a reply from him. It was a little disconcerting not to get a reply, but I did mean what I said, and altho' I twitched a little, it was basically okay.
I didn't explicitly ask for a response to my email about the move, either, but there were a few things I needed to know, so I thought it was implied.
I got tired of being nervous about not hearing back, and sent another email message today, asking if he'd received the first, and if he was OK. Turns out that if he did receive it, it was buried in a torrent of other email. So, no, he hadn't read it and might not have gotten it at all. That meant he'd found out about my upcoming move from a message posted to a mailing list we're both on. Shit. I had asked my friends not to mention it to him or post to the list until I'd told him myself. I wouldn't have felt too good if the situation were reversed, and so the last thing I wanted to do was hurt his feelings. Sigh. Then he apologized for not being able help with the move?!, altho' he allowed as it would probably have been too awkward anyway. (The mass mailing was a request for packing/moving assistance).
He really isn't a jerk.
And my hands are shaking as I type this. Yeah, I'm still in love with him -- why do you ask? So I re-sent most of my original message, and explained all of the above. And added a different paragraph about my mixed feelings, that although I don't expect a second chance at a relationship with him and I'm not waiting for it, I still very much want it. And I can't be "just" friends right now. And I still don't want to see him or talk over the phone, although maybe we can reconsider after I settle in to my new place and unpack.
We haven't spoken, or seen each other, since the end of May. In that time, we've exchanged maybe 6 carefully-worded email messages.
I'm trying to let go and move on. That's what I'm supposed to be doing. Talking about X is not-quite taboo, but I feel like I'm supposed to be "over it" by now. I'm not.
I haven't been involved in very many relationships, and I never fell in love the way I did with X. I don't know what to believe about love and relationships. Like many outward cynics, I'm a terrified romantic at heart. I want to believe that the kind of love we had lasts, and we'll eventually find our way back. I want to believe that the things that were really broken were temporary, and that who we are is what matters. And none of this will make a damn bit of difference if X doesn't want to try again. And I don't want to be in the position of having to convince him, having to prove myself. Would that ever be unhealthy. It's very dangerous to be attached to a particular outcome. I can't allow myself to expect anything, and even hoping tears me up. I can't and won't wait for him. I need to keep putting myself back together, get into the habit of doing my best more often than not. I need to take better care of myself and keep my household such that I can have people come over without cringing. And, much as I hate it, I have a nasty feeling that I have to do this by myself, before I can get involved with anyone again. I desperately miss the comfort and intimacy of cuddling and sex. Much as I also miss the friendship X and I shared, platonic friendship alone just isn't enough.
I'm at work, needing to concentrate on work stuff, nervous about checking my personal email after the letter I just sent, knowing that my resolution about doing my best means that I need to accomplish things at work. Knowing that I wish with all my heart I could go over to X's office and find a way to have a quickie in the conference room. And how impossible that is.
On Sunday, I nerved myself up to send an email message to X, telling him about my move. I included a paragraph about my still-mixed feelings, expressing my hope that he wasn't afraid of me (the last time I'd heard from him, back in July, it sounded as if he might be). I read it over, chewed my nails, and hit send.
And I didn't hear back from him.
I sent him a rather difficult letter for Rosh Hashanah, apologizing for having sinned against him (and against myself). In it, I explicitly said that I didn't request or require a reply from him. It was a little disconcerting not to get a reply, but I did mean what I said, and altho' I twitched a little, it was basically okay.
I didn't explicitly ask for a response to my email about the move, either, but there were a few things I needed to know, so I thought it was implied.
I got tired of being nervous about not hearing back, and sent another email message today, asking if he'd received the first, and if he was OK. Turns out that if he did receive it, it was buried in a torrent of other email. So, no, he hadn't read it and might not have gotten it at all. That meant he'd found out about my upcoming move from a message posted to a mailing list we're both on. Shit. I had asked my friends not to mention it to him or post to the list until I'd told him myself. I wouldn't have felt too good if the situation were reversed, and so the last thing I wanted to do was hurt his feelings. Sigh. Then he apologized for not being able help with the move?!, altho' he allowed as it would probably have been too awkward anyway. (The mass mailing was a request for packing/moving assistance).
He really isn't a jerk.
And my hands are shaking as I type this. Yeah, I'm still in love with him -- why do you ask? So I re-sent most of my original message, and explained all of the above. And added a different paragraph about my mixed feelings, that although I don't expect a second chance at a relationship with him and I'm not waiting for it, I still very much want it. And I can't be "just" friends right now. And I still don't want to see him or talk over the phone, although maybe we can reconsider after I settle in to my new place and unpack.
We haven't spoken, or seen each other, since the end of May. In that time, we've exchanged maybe 6 carefully-worded email messages.
I'm trying to let go and move on. That's what I'm supposed to be doing. Talking about X is not-quite taboo, but I feel like I'm supposed to be "over it" by now. I'm not.
I haven't been involved in very many relationships, and I never fell in love the way I did with X. I don't know what to believe about love and relationships. Like many outward cynics, I'm a terrified romantic at heart. I want to believe that the kind of love we had lasts, and we'll eventually find our way back. I want to believe that the things that were really broken were temporary, and that who we are is what matters. And none of this will make a damn bit of difference if X doesn't want to try again. And I don't want to be in the position of having to convince him, having to prove myself. Would that ever be unhealthy. It's very dangerous to be attached to a particular outcome. I can't allow myself to expect anything, and even hoping tears me up. I can't and won't wait for him. I need to keep putting myself back together, get into the habit of doing my best more often than not. I need to take better care of myself and keep my household such that I can have people come over without cringing. And, much as I hate it, I have a nasty feeling that I have to do this by myself, before I can get involved with anyone again. I desperately miss the comfort and intimacy of cuddling and sex. Much as I also miss the friendship X and I shared, platonic friendship alone just isn't enough.
I'm at work, needing to concentrate on work stuff, nervous about checking my personal email after the letter I just sent, knowing that my resolution about doing my best means that I need to accomplish things at work. Knowing that I wish with all my heart I could go over to X's office and find a way to have a quickie in the conference room. And how impossible that is.