maybe ours is the cause of all mankind
and so i have. i called him today to tell him it was over. is that possible, since he broke up with me? i wont be his bandaide, his crutch, when he wont do so for me. even though he sometimes does, he only does so out of guilt. not wanting to be the bad guy. its so typical. danny has been jason all over again. except danny.... i'm not going there. i dont have to. i'll get over it. i'm getting there. i think... i'm not sure if he was offended or shocked when i told him, "i'm just calling to tell you that we can't be friends." i'd be an idiot if i had learned nothing from holding onto the hope of getting back together for over a year with jason, just to be abandoned. one day, he just didnt call. and that was it. i refuse to invest my hope in danny only for there to one day have my heart broken abrubtly and with no explanation. it is a horrible realization, but there is no doubt in my mind that when he is ready, it wont be for me. but that is okay, too. i want to be somebody's ideal, as horribly vain and storytale princess as that may sound. but i've had that before, and i need that. i have to be what someone is looking for, what they know they need, they want. and for me to be able to be free to fall in love, i really need to be independent. i dont want a guy to look at me and think, "she's so high maintainace, i cant afford her lifestyle." because, yes, i like to go out and spend money. not someone else's money, either. and i want to provide my own health insurance. i want to be completely financially secure so that i can choose who i want. i dont want someone to have to take care of me that way. because i need so much more than that, i need someone to love me. so many guys are worried about money. financial security. i dont want a pretty boy, he's got to be a hard worker. but i just want someone who will do his share and i'll do mine. i just dont want it to have to be an issue. me being taken care of. i want my own life that way.
i dont think he took the call well. i guess i wasnt as nice as i could've been about it. i wasn't mean... i was just so happy that i was actually doing it. that i could do something about the way i felt, by putting an end to it. and i knew that if i hadnt done it then, i would have never done it. I would have dragged it out the way i did with jason, and then i would have been more heartbroken then now. not that i'm heartbroken... well, i am... but i've been getting used to the idea, and know that somewhere there is someone. in the meantime, i am going to school. i'm an english major. i'm going to be an editor.
i am going to be a strong woman.
i guess what thrills me the most was that calling danny today was the first step into being a strong woman.
i feel free.