Fic: Ladykiller - L/Confidence - R
Title: Ladykiller
Pairing: Lister/Confidence, Lister/Kochanski (implied)
Rating: R (mild non-con)
Disclaimer: I don't own Red Dwarf. I don't make money from this.
Spoilers: Confidence and Paranoia.
Notes: Thanks to roadstergal for an excellent line, and to radelhorror for the pairing idea. Written as part of the 15pairings challenge.
"He's absolutely smegging great!" Lister trotted after Rimmer down the corridor, waving his arms enthusiastically.
"What do you want me to do," Rimmer groused, "throw him a party?"
"I'm just saying," Lister said, a little hurt. Having Confidence around was great. He felt wonderful all the time, which was the way he'd always felt people should feel all the time. "He keeps telling me how handsome and good looking and talented I am. Makes fer a nice change, ya know," he added, pointedly.
Rimmer grunted. "Well, I'm very happy for you. Now leave me the smeg alone!"
"Right," said Lister, realization hitting him with glee. There was no reason, it told him, for Lister to keep following this goit like a lost puppy. Not when there was someone around who worshiped the very ground he walked on. "I think I will!"
Confidence was sitting on Rimmer's bunk, fondling a guitar. Lister's brow furrowed. Great the guy may be, Lister didn't like his guitar touched without asking. Seeing Lister, however, the man jumped, clutching the instrument to his chest. "Oh," he exclaimed, "you startled me, Mister Sunshine." He looked down guiltily. "I'm sorry I couldn't keep my mitts off this thing, but it's just..." he shook his head, a tear gleaming in his eye, "yer fingers have touched it. The touch of the Axemaster!"
"All right," Lister mumbled. Praise was well and good, but this was starting to get a little weird. There was something about the eagerness, he decided. "Just put it down."
"Sure thing, chief!" Confidence put it down on the floor with such reverence that Lister instantly forgave him everything. If only Rimmer could be more like that!
"It's nice having ye around. Rimmer..." Lister barely got the name out before Confidence stood up, treading carefully over the guitar, and spat on the floor.
"That cad! I won't have his name pass over your pretty lips." He looked genuinely angry, Lister thought. That was a bit off, wasn't it? Sure, Rimmer was a smeghead and all, but he wasn't worth getting worked up like that about.
"Steady!"
Confidence was fuming. His shoulders shook, and his lips trembled with emotion. "I can't stand to see the way he treats ya, slugger! It tears my heart in two, it does. You such a fine gentleman, and him bossing you around like that; he oughta be ashamed."
"It's all right, man; really! It's all right. He's just a bit of a git, but it's a big ship, we manage. I never listen to him anyway."
"As well you shouldn't!" Confidence pointed a tanned finger, its many rings shaking. "The Charisma Kid don't answer to nobody, right?" Beaming now, he drew Lister in for a crushing hug.
"Gotta go," Lister wheezed, casting around for an excuse to be somewhere else - anywhere else! Confidence was big and hulking, and smelled overpowering of aftershave and wrongness. But just like that, Lister was released.
"Sure thing, sure thing; you've got stuff to do, place to be, 'cause you're the man, you know what I'm saying?" One glittering eye winked at Lister, who shuddered without quite knowing why. Maybe he was getting overconfident?
"Yeah, I'll just... just go..." Biting his lip, Lister searched his mind. The problem was, there was so very little that needed doing on the ship. What Holly couldn't take care of, the skutters usually handled. No, it had to be something personal. "Go..." there was nothing else for it; desperate measures were called for. "Shower," Lister concluded triumphantly; "I gotta go take a shower!" What the smeg; it had been a few days anyway. In a flash he was out the door and well on his way down the corridor.
Peeking his head out the door, Confidence yelled out after him. "You need any help, just give the word, Big Man!"
The shower had actually been refreshing. Lister shook his head into the beam, closing his eyes. He felt clear headed; ready to take on the world. He reached out to turn the water off, and nearly lost his balance when a voice rang out from somewhere behind.
"Everything all right in here?"
"Smegging hell, man!" Lister spun around, his braids slapping almost painfully against his body as they swung with him. Confidence's eager face beamed at him through the parted curtains. "I'm in the shower!" A chill ran down his spine as he realized Confidence's eyes were slowly descending towards his groin.
"Yowza!" Confidence gave an impressed whistle. "You have one hell of a dick. I mean, I've seen some biggies in my time, but that thing would tip the scales in the prime beef department, if you know what I mean!"
"What?" Lister tried to cover himself with his hands.
"God's honest truth. That's one fine kielbasa near as I'm any judge. You must be quite the ladykiller! I'll bet they drop like flies around you, kid!" White teeth gleamed as the madman grinned, easily outshining the tiles in the surrounding room. Confidence looked Lister up and down. He was clearly impressed.
"Look, man," Lister backed up against the shower wall, wincing as one of the hot pipes brushed against his leg. "This is not normal. Guys don't give other guys compliments about their joy departments. Or compare them to various meat products! And they don't," he added, somewhat desperately, "surprise other guys in the shower. Not unless..." He swallowed. "Hey... yer not..."
"Gay?" Confidence laughed happily, the sound reverberating in the closed space, and Lister jumped again. "Of course not, chief! My psyche derives from yours; I can't be anything you're not. But who can help admiring that gorgeous body?" He pursed his lips and gave Lister the once-over one more time.
Lister chose another wall to press up against. He didn't like being oogled like this, and yet... "You don't think it's kind of flabby, then? Or soft?"
"Flabby?" The curtains flew aside as Confidence straightened his back, and stepped fully into the stall. "My god, man; do you call that flabby?" Before Lister could react, he reached down, grabbing one of Lister's thighs in each hand, squeezing hard. "That's pure muscle!"
"Yeah?" Torn between weirded out and flattered, Lister forgot to cover his groin. The instant he let go, Confidence's hand took over, his arsenal of rings cold against Lister's protesting cock. Too shocked to resist, Lister just stood there like a gimboid, allowing the anthropomophic personification to kiss him roughly on his wet lips.
"Let me jack ya off just once, slugger! Come on, please? I wanna feel those manly juices flow from your stout manhood - it'd be an honor, sport; a real honor!"
Finally regaining his basic motor functions, Lister pushed him away brutally. "Are you mental? No, ye smegging can't! Get the hell away from me, man!" He tried to push past into the main room, but the larger man was blocking his way. Lister looked up with rage in his eyes, then kneed him in the groin.
Wincing in pain, Confidence folded in the middle, his hands trying to protect his hurting reproductive organs and grasp after Lister at the same time. Instinct won out, and Lister slipped away from him. "Wait," he squeaked, "I didn't mean to come on so strong, champ!"
"Smeg off," Lister yelled over his shoulder, rummaging desperately around the room on slipperly feet. He'd forgotten to bring towels with him, and he couldn't find his clothes. Perfect.
"Aw, don't be sore, buddy..." Still huddled over, Confidence freed himself from the curtain he'd gotten wrapped up in, holding out his hands in an offering of peace. Lister didn't reply, turning his back on him, scanning the room with fevered anger. The man was mental, and Lister wanted to get as far away from him as possible. If only he could find his clothes...
Presently, there was a tap on his shoulder. Lister turned to find a brightly grinning Confidence, now almost straight-backed again, holding his clothes, neatly folded. Lister was about to slap the bastard's smug face when that same bastard lifted a glitttering finger defensively. Despite himself, Lister halted.
"I can help ya get Kochanski back."
Lister's viscera churned in protest, but he let them simmer. The anger was draining out of him, pushed out of the way by a tickling, giddy feeling of hope. Kochanski, his heart said. Get Kochanski! He swallowed. "All right. How?"
Pairing: Lister/Confidence, Lister/Kochanski (implied)
Rating: R (mild non-con)
Disclaimer: I don't own Red Dwarf. I don't make money from this.
Spoilers: Confidence and Paranoia.
Notes: Thanks to roadstergal for an excellent line, and to radelhorror for the pairing idea. Written as part of the 15pairings challenge.
"He's absolutely smegging great!" Lister trotted after Rimmer down the corridor, waving his arms enthusiastically.
"What do you want me to do," Rimmer groused, "throw him a party?"
"I'm just saying," Lister said, a little hurt. Having Confidence around was great. He felt wonderful all the time, which was the way he'd always felt people should feel all the time. "He keeps telling me how handsome and good looking and talented I am. Makes fer a nice change, ya know," he added, pointedly.
Rimmer grunted. "Well, I'm very happy for you. Now leave me the smeg alone!"
"Right," said Lister, realization hitting him with glee. There was no reason, it told him, for Lister to keep following this goit like a lost puppy. Not when there was someone around who worshiped the very ground he walked on. "I think I will!"
Confidence was sitting on Rimmer's bunk, fondling a guitar. Lister's brow furrowed. Great the guy may be, Lister didn't like his guitar touched without asking. Seeing Lister, however, the man jumped, clutching the instrument to his chest. "Oh," he exclaimed, "you startled me, Mister Sunshine." He looked down guiltily. "I'm sorry I couldn't keep my mitts off this thing, but it's just..." he shook his head, a tear gleaming in his eye, "yer fingers have touched it. The touch of the Axemaster!"
"All right," Lister mumbled. Praise was well and good, but this was starting to get a little weird. There was something about the eagerness, he decided. "Just put it down."
"Sure thing, chief!" Confidence put it down on the floor with such reverence that Lister instantly forgave him everything. If only Rimmer could be more like that!
"It's nice having ye around. Rimmer..." Lister barely got the name out before Confidence stood up, treading carefully over the guitar, and spat on the floor.
"That cad! I won't have his name pass over your pretty lips." He looked genuinely angry, Lister thought. That was a bit off, wasn't it? Sure, Rimmer was a smeghead and all, but he wasn't worth getting worked up like that about.
"Steady!"
Confidence was fuming. His shoulders shook, and his lips trembled with emotion. "I can't stand to see the way he treats ya, slugger! It tears my heart in two, it does. You such a fine gentleman, and him bossing you around like that; he oughta be ashamed."
"It's all right, man; really! It's all right. He's just a bit of a git, but it's a big ship, we manage. I never listen to him anyway."
"As well you shouldn't!" Confidence pointed a tanned finger, its many rings shaking. "The Charisma Kid don't answer to nobody, right?" Beaming now, he drew Lister in for a crushing hug.
"Gotta go," Lister wheezed, casting around for an excuse to be somewhere else - anywhere else! Confidence was big and hulking, and smelled overpowering of aftershave and wrongness. But just like that, Lister was released.
"Sure thing, sure thing; you've got stuff to do, place to be, 'cause you're the man, you know what I'm saying?" One glittering eye winked at Lister, who shuddered without quite knowing why. Maybe he was getting overconfident?
"Yeah, I'll just... just go..." Biting his lip, Lister searched his mind. The problem was, there was so very little that needed doing on the ship. What Holly couldn't take care of, the skutters usually handled. No, it had to be something personal. "Go..." there was nothing else for it; desperate measures were called for. "Shower," Lister concluded triumphantly; "I gotta go take a shower!" What the smeg; it had been a few days anyway. In a flash he was out the door and well on his way down the corridor.
Peeking his head out the door, Confidence yelled out after him. "You need any help, just give the word, Big Man!"
The shower had actually been refreshing. Lister shook his head into the beam, closing his eyes. He felt clear headed; ready to take on the world. He reached out to turn the water off, and nearly lost his balance when a voice rang out from somewhere behind.
"Everything all right in here?"
"Smegging hell, man!" Lister spun around, his braids slapping almost painfully against his body as they swung with him. Confidence's eager face beamed at him through the parted curtains. "I'm in the shower!" A chill ran down his spine as he realized Confidence's eyes were slowly descending towards his groin.
"Yowza!" Confidence gave an impressed whistle. "You have one hell of a dick. I mean, I've seen some biggies in my time, but that thing would tip the scales in the prime beef department, if you know what I mean!"
"What?" Lister tried to cover himself with his hands.
"God's honest truth. That's one fine kielbasa near as I'm any judge. You must be quite the ladykiller! I'll bet they drop like flies around you, kid!" White teeth gleamed as the madman grinned, easily outshining the tiles in the surrounding room. Confidence looked Lister up and down. He was clearly impressed.
"Look, man," Lister backed up against the shower wall, wincing as one of the hot pipes brushed against his leg. "This is not normal. Guys don't give other guys compliments about their joy departments. Or compare them to various meat products! And they don't," he added, somewhat desperately, "surprise other guys in the shower. Not unless..." He swallowed. "Hey... yer not..."
"Gay?" Confidence laughed happily, the sound reverberating in the closed space, and Lister jumped again. "Of course not, chief! My psyche derives from yours; I can't be anything you're not. But who can help admiring that gorgeous body?" He pursed his lips and gave Lister the once-over one more time.
Lister chose another wall to press up against. He didn't like being oogled like this, and yet... "You don't think it's kind of flabby, then? Or soft?"
"Flabby?" The curtains flew aside as Confidence straightened his back, and stepped fully into the stall. "My god, man; do you call that flabby?" Before Lister could react, he reached down, grabbing one of Lister's thighs in each hand, squeezing hard. "That's pure muscle!"
"Yeah?" Torn between weirded out and flattered, Lister forgot to cover his groin. The instant he let go, Confidence's hand took over, his arsenal of rings cold against Lister's protesting cock. Too shocked to resist, Lister just stood there like a gimboid, allowing the anthropomophic personification to kiss him roughly on his wet lips.
"Let me jack ya off just once, slugger! Come on, please? I wanna feel those manly juices flow from your stout manhood - it'd be an honor, sport; a real honor!"
Finally regaining his basic motor functions, Lister pushed him away brutally. "Are you mental? No, ye smegging can't! Get the hell away from me, man!" He tried to push past into the main room, but the larger man was blocking his way. Lister looked up with rage in his eyes, then kneed him in the groin.
Wincing in pain, Confidence folded in the middle, his hands trying to protect his hurting reproductive organs and grasp after Lister at the same time. Instinct won out, and Lister slipped away from him. "Wait," he squeaked, "I didn't mean to come on so strong, champ!"
"Smeg off," Lister yelled over his shoulder, rummaging desperately around the room on slipperly feet. He'd forgotten to bring towels with him, and he couldn't find his clothes. Perfect.
"Aw, don't be sore, buddy..." Still huddled over, Confidence freed himself from the curtain he'd gotten wrapped up in, holding out his hands in an offering of peace. Lister didn't reply, turning his back on him, scanning the room with fevered anger. The man was mental, and Lister wanted to get as far away from him as possible. If only he could find his clothes...
Presently, there was a tap on his shoulder. Lister turned to find a brightly grinning Confidence, now almost straight-backed again, holding his clothes, neatly folded. Lister was about to slap the bastard's smug face when that same bastard lifted a glitttering finger defensively. Despite himself, Lister halted.
"I can help ya get Kochanski back."
Lister's viscera churned in protest, but he let them simmer. The anger was draining out of him, pushed out of the way by a tickling, giddy feeling of hope. Kochanski, his heart said. Get Kochanski! He swallowed. "All right. How?"