Fic: The List (PG-13)
Title: The List
Pairing: Lister/Rimmer
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don't own Red Dwarf, and I do not profit from this. I just do this to amuse myself.
Much thanks to kahvi for the beta, after some heavy duty rewrites I am almost satisfied with this.
This comes after the following:
Function
Static
Love
Release
Reunited
Byway
Weaknesses
Trepidation
Awakening
Officers
Lister cautiously entered the room that he now shared with Rimmer, and was relived to see that the other had returned, lying on his bunk , pretending to read. He looked up at Lister, and a blush crossed his cheeks as he sat up, pulling up his knees to his chest. He looked about as vulnerable as Lister felt. He shuffled over to the spare low bunk, and leaned down. “Can I sit?” he asked, softly. Rimmer nodded, looking down at his feet.
Lister sat beside him, turning his head to gaze at the hologram. Over the time that Rimmer had been gone, the months of doubtful regret followed by the months of desperate mourning, Lister had gone over memories in his mind’s eye thousands of times, of Rimmer’s eyes, Rimmer’s curls, Rimmer’s elegant, pale, nervous hands. They were irresistible, unattainable, things that he wished that he knew that he wanted so much sooner. He’d somehow even managed to romanticize those flared nostrils that he used to mock. His memory hadn’t betrayed him, for he found that every bit of the other man, every facet and flaw, was just as he remembered, only more dear to him, because what had been destroyed was now whole, and within arm’s reach.
“Look… I wasn’t lying to you, you know. I meant everything I said to you back there.” He started, hoarsely. “Maybe I’ve done some awful things to you, but… you gotta know that I’m being honest this time. I don’t blame you for not trusting me, but I swear...” Lister shook with the severity of his confession, the awful, urgent feelings that had been building up finding their release. Something inside of him told him that this time, this talk, would count, so he had to choose his words carefully.
“I know.” Rimmer replied, quietly. And that, to him, was the tragedy.
“I-you know?” Lister asked, incredulously. “Smeg.” That could only mean that Rimmer didn’t want him, despite his best efforts. This would be the ideal time to back off, while he still had a shred of dignity… but he wanted this too much. “I cleaned myself up a bit.” He offered. “Maybe I’m not perfect, yeah, but I could make you happy if you let me try. I’ve…” Lister searched his mind for an appealing word. “matured.” He sat up a bit straighter, and rested his hand on Rimmer’s knee, gazing imploringly into his eyes.
Rimmer met them, briefly. Where should he start? Anger was the most urgent, he decided. “I wanted you before any of that.” He said. “The more I wanted you, the more you hated me. You resented what I wasn’t. So then you send me off with Ace, and now that I’m more like him, you can bear to be with me, is that it?” Rimmer hadn’t planned the words. They tumbled out of him, fueled by a long repressed anger. He couldn’t be sure how much he was exaggerating them, because the bitterness behind the words felt so righteous.
Lister watched Rimmer’s rant with mounting panic. “Rimmer, man, it’s not like that.” Maybe just a little like that… but how was he to know that he was too blind to see what he would be miserable without? “I thought tha it would be good for you! I thought maybe if you could just get a taste of it… Maybe it would make up for the things you think you missed out on.” It had been like that, hadn’t it? Lister couldn’t recall how much of his ploy had been selfish and how much was for Rimmer’s true benefit. He was sure that he’d wanted Rimmer to be happy, though. That was what he had to focus on.
Rimmer raised an eyebrow, not certain how much of it he could accept. “I don’t even remember that time as Ace, so if you think you’re getting an upgrade, you’re sorely mistaken.”
Lister sighed. “I know. I guess what I mean is, that maybe it’s for the best, you know? It turned out to be a disaster. I didn’t mean t’send you off to prove anything to me, I wanted you to prove it to yourself. I know that you’re capable of what Ace does.”
“I’m not Ace!” Rimmer’s fingers clenched the sheets until hard light knuckles turned white. Lister winced at the unexpected outburst. “You won’t stop trying to make me into something that I’m not! Well, you did it this time, Listy, you have me back, but it’s just Arnold smegpot Rimmer, and now you have to live with it.”
“Rimmer… what’ve I done to you?” Lister asked, softly. “I never wanted Ace instead of you. I wanted Ace to make you stronger, my Rimmer.” He bit his lip. “I’ll gladly live with it, it’s exactly what I want.” If he said it enough times, would Rimmer relent?
Rimmer looked him in the eyes, long and hard, until Lister was sure that he could see into the depths of his soul. “Fine.” He said, after a long pause. “That still doesn’t make this… right.”
Lister frowned. “How so?” He braced himself for another obstacle, a rationale that could only come from someone like Rimmer. The hologram was better at playing hard to get than the prettiest girl he’d ever dated, and with no experience behind him. How was that possible?
“Well, first off, Kochanski is here.” He said, coldly. “There’s a woman on board, Lister, a living human female.”
Somehow, Lister knew that he wouldn’t be able to escape this inevitable discussion. “I already explained about Kris.” He reminded him, gently. He’d need to steer Rimmer away from this topic. If he got it into his head that this Kris meant more to him than he did, it would ruin everything.
“You aren’t going to revive the human race with a dead man.” Rimmer replied, an edge in his voice.
“Maybe not, but there are ways, you know. I don’t need to remind you that I’ve already given birth. “ Lister considered mentioning the fact that he and Kochanski had essentially given birth to himself, as well , but it was sure to derail the discussion and end in disaster. “Besides, there’s technology, you never know what’s going to happen to us. I’m acting with my heart, Arn. This is what I want. I thought maybe it was what you wanted, too.” He added, indignantly.
“No farm on Fiji?” Rimmer asked, dubiously.
“Well, yeah, if it works out someday, if we ever find Earth.” Lister admitted. “But I want you to come with me.” Was that what Rimmer was waiting for? Did he need a smegging invitation?
Rimmer fidgeted with the blanket under him. “Even so, this doesn’t seem… wrong to you?”
“It’s probably the only thing that’s felt truly right in three million years.” Lister assured him.
“You know what I mean.” Rimmer replied, looking down. “Back on Io, they had… words for people like… like us.” He managed. “People back home were proper. Only … only perverts and criminals think things like this.”
Lister was alarmed to see that Rimmer was just barely holding back tears. “Rimmer…” he began. “We’re not on Io. We’re enlightened twenty third century people, yeah? You’re not doing anything wrong by this.”
“It’s just…” Rimmer struggled to put into words a lifetime on Io. Why was Lister insisting on having this discussion? He squirmed under the uncomfortable spotlight of Lister’s logic.
“What? It’s just that everyone on Io is a religious extremist, and I thought you didn’t believe in all that?” Lister tried. “You’re letting your future be decided by what people would think in a crazy place like that, a place that doesn’t even exist anymore?”
Rimmer sighed. “I don’t. I just feel like…” Like hiding, actually. Rimmer felt a dull ace in his skull forming, the precursor of a tension headache. Maybe everyone on Io was long gone, but he could still see their stern, disapproving expressions clearly in his mind’s eye. Lister was all wrong, they silently scolded him. Wrong sex, wrong family, wrong upbringing, wrong schools… he just wasn’t like them. Rimmer wasn’t quite like them, either, but by choosing Lister for a mate, he would become all wrong, as well. No one would mention his name. They would pretend that he didn’t exist. They would sneer over the blank space he used to inhabit at family functions, each one thinking horrid thoughts but not speaking them directly… or they would have, if only they had still been alive to do so.
“Is it wrong if there’s no one around to tell you it isn’t?” Lister prodded. “No one left to bully or mock you, no one to tell you that you don’t know what’s best for your own life?”
Rimmer looked unconvinced, still. Lister took his hand, gently. “Everyone here knows what you mean to me, Arn. It’s just us, so why can’t we just be happy? Don’t you deserve to be happy after all of this?” Lister was trying to be patient. Here he was doing all the work, and Rimmer still discarded his propositions, when he’d just admitted that at least part of him wanted what Lister did.
Lister’s reason was beginning to sway him, and Rimmer toughened his resolve. He couldn’t give in without going over all of the possible pitfalls, he couldn’t risk regret after taking such a huge step into the unknown. “I had a list, once.” He murmured. “Back on Red Dwarf. All the reasons that I couldn’t let myself do this.” This was embarrassing, now. He was never supposed to have to say anything on the list aloud. It was supposed to remain safely in his possession, reminding him of the rules. It was private. What was even more distressing was that Lister was making sense. As the last human, he pretty much was society, and society seemed all too eager to shag him senseless. If he’d been less wound up, the realization that Lister was the new standard for his species would have infuriated him.
“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Lister groaned. “You can’t go about everything in life like it’s a Risk tournament, Arn. You can’t plan everything out and make a strategy for things like love. Maybe no one ever told you that, but I’m tellin’ you now.” Lister was beginning to feel as though his own strategy was failing, though. It seemed that no matter what angle he took, Rimmer would find a way to deflect every overture, all his best lines, and even all of his true confessions. He couldn’t just jump the man, though, through the years he’d learned that Rimmer needed to be won over with words and reason, even if it was faulty reason. He had to keep stalling for time, keep rationalizing until Rimmer became comfortable with the idea. He had to be patient.
Rimmer nodded. He was losing. Hell, he wanted to lose. For once, he was glad of Lister’s convincing rambles.
“Does this really feel wrong?” Lister asked, stroking his cheek. Rimmer shook his head, and didn’t resist when Lister leaned in to kiss him. Lister felt a surge of victorious glee as Rimmer gave in. The odds were in his favor again.
Rimmer pulled Lister closer, and somehow, it wasn’t awkward. Disjointed memories surfaced again, and Rimmer was now quite sure that they were more than mere dreams.
“I think Ace did this.” He gasped, as they parted.
“You did this, when you were Ace, you mean.” Lister replied. He frowned slightly. “So who was the lucky guy?”
“I’m pretty sure it was you.” Rimmer replied, with an uncomfortable cough.
Lister smiled then, and pressed close. “Huh. Lucky sod.”
“Interesting choice of words.” Rimmer frowned.
“Stop being so smegging analytical.” Lister chuckled. “So… are you okay with this, now?” Lister looked skeptical.
Rimmer considered it, briefly. He’d already done this, hadn’t he? No sense in turning back now, he reasoned, driven by his rapidly growing desire for the man before him.
“Arn?” Lister asked, losing confidence in the silence that followed.
Rimmer nodded, stiffly.
Lister’s face lit up then, as he leaned in to nuzzle Rimmer’s neck, just under his ear. “Don’t be scared. We don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to.”
Rimmer shivered as the words ghosted over his skin. He was painfully aroused now, and quite sure that he wanted everything, smeg, anything that Lister could think of doing. He pulled Lister closer, and considered the human with a possessive gaze for just a moment before deciding on action. Somewhat nervously, he reached for the clasp of Lister’s jumpsuit, but was startled by a loud noise, followed by a vibration through the cabin.
“What was that?” Lister glanced over his shoulder.
“Debris, or something.” Rimmer replied, not caring about much but the task at hand.
“Right.” Lister fumbled with the stubborn clasp himself, his fingers getting in Rimmer’s way. Another loud noise followed, this time the impact throwing them both to the ground. Lister cursed under his breath. “It’s not just a bit of garbage, is it?” he asked, regretfully. Rimmer was on his feet already, damn him, damn all of this! He was so close!
“Blue Alert.” Rimmer replied, snapping to attention.
Lister winced. Whatever was out there was going to get a damn good thrashing from him personally.
Pairing: Lister/Rimmer
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don't own Red Dwarf, and I do not profit from this. I just do this to amuse myself.
Much thanks to kahvi for the beta, after some heavy duty rewrites I am almost satisfied with this.
This comes after the following:
Function
Static
Love
Release
Reunited
Byway
Weaknesses
Trepidation
Awakening
Officers
Lister cautiously entered the room that he now shared with Rimmer, and was relived to see that the other had returned, lying on his bunk , pretending to read. He looked up at Lister, and a blush crossed his cheeks as he sat up, pulling up his knees to his chest. He looked about as vulnerable as Lister felt. He shuffled over to the spare low bunk, and leaned down. “Can I sit?” he asked, softly. Rimmer nodded, looking down at his feet.
Lister sat beside him, turning his head to gaze at the hologram. Over the time that Rimmer had been gone, the months of doubtful regret followed by the months of desperate mourning, Lister had gone over memories in his mind’s eye thousands of times, of Rimmer’s eyes, Rimmer’s curls, Rimmer’s elegant, pale, nervous hands. They were irresistible, unattainable, things that he wished that he knew that he wanted so much sooner. He’d somehow even managed to romanticize those flared nostrils that he used to mock. His memory hadn’t betrayed him, for he found that every bit of the other man, every facet and flaw, was just as he remembered, only more dear to him, because what had been destroyed was now whole, and within arm’s reach.
“Look… I wasn’t lying to you, you know. I meant everything I said to you back there.” He started, hoarsely. “Maybe I’ve done some awful things to you, but… you gotta know that I’m being honest this time. I don’t blame you for not trusting me, but I swear...” Lister shook with the severity of his confession, the awful, urgent feelings that had been building up finding their release. Something inside of him told him that this time, this talk, would count, so he had to choose his words carefully.
“I know.” Rimmer replied, quietly. And that, to him, was the tragedy.
“I-you know?” Lister asked, incredulously. “Smeg.” That could only mean that Rimmer didn’t want him, despite his best efforts. This would be the ideal time to back off, while he still had a shred of dignity… but he wanted this too much. “I cleaned myself up a bit.” He offered. “Maybe I’m not perfect, yeah, but I could make you happy if you let me try. I’ve…” Lister searched his mind for an appealing word. “matured.” He sat up a bit straighter, and rested his hand on Rimmer’s knee, gazing imploringly into his eyes.
Rimmer met them, briefly. Where should he start? Anger was the most urgent, he decided. “I wanted you before any of that.” He said. “The more I wanted you, the more you hated me. You resented what I wasn’t. So then you send me off with Ace, and now that I’m more like him, you can bear to be with me, is that it?” Rimmer hadn’t planned the words. They tumbled out of him, fueled by a long repressed anger. He couldn’t be sure how much he was exaggerating them, because the bitterness behind the words felt so righteous.
Lister watched Rimmer’s rant with mounting panic. “Rimmer, man, it’s not like that.” Maybe just a little like that… but how was he to know that he was too blind to see what he would be miserable without? “I thought tha it would be good for you! I thought maybe if you could just get a taste of it… Maybe it would make up for the things you think you missed out on.” It had been like that, hadn’t it? Lister couldn’t recall how much of his ploy had been selfish and how much was for Rimmer’s true benefit. He was sure that he’d wanted Rimmer to be happy, though. That was what he had to focus on.
Rimmer raised an eyebrow, not certain how much of it he could accept. “I don’t even remember that time as Ace, so if you think you’re getting an upgrade, you’re sorely mistaken.”
Lister sighed. “I know. I guess what I mean is, that maybe it’s for the best, you know? It turned out to be a disaster. I didn’t mean t’send you off to prove anything to me, I wanted you to prove it to yourself. I know that you’re capable of what Ace does.”
“I’m not Ace!” Rimmer’s fingers clenched the sheets until hard light knuckles turned white. Lister winced at the unexpected outburst. “You won’t stop trying to make me into something that I’m not! Well, you did it this time, Listy, you have me back, but it’s just Arnold smegpot Rimmer, and now you have to live with it.”
“Rimmer… what’ve I done to you?” Lister asked, softly. “I never wanted Ace instead of you. I wanted Ace to make you stronger, my Rimmer.” He bit his lip. “I’ll gladly live with it, it’s exactly what I want.” If he said it enough times, would Rimmer relent?
Rimmer looked him in the eyes, long and hard, until Lister was sure that he could see into the depths of his soul. “Fine.” He said, after a long pause. “That still doesn’t make this… right.”
Lister frowned. “How so?” He braced himself for another obstacle, a rationale that could only come from someone like Rimmer. The hologram was better at playing hard to get than the prettiest girl he’d ever dated, and with no experience behind him. How was that possible?
“Well, first off, Kochanski is here.” He said, coldly. “There’s a woman on board, Lister, a living human female.”
Somehow, Lister knew that he wouldn’t be able to escape this inevitable discussion. “I already explained about Kris.” He reminded him, gently. He’d need to steer Rimmer away from this topic. If he got it into his head that this Kris meant more to him than he did, it would ruin everything.
“You aren’t going to revive the human race with a dead man.” Rimmer replied, an edge in his voice.
“Maybe not, but there are ways, you know. I don’t need to remind you that I’ve already given birth. “ Lister considered mentioning the fact that he and Kochanski had essentially given birth to himself, as well , but it was sure to derail the discussion and end in disaster. “Besides, there’s technology, you never know what’s going to happen to us. I’m acting with my heart, Arn. This is what I want. I thought maybe it was what you wanted, too.” He added, indignantly.
“No farm on Fiji?” Rimmer asked, dubiously.
“Well, yeah, if it works out someday, if we ever find Earth.” Lister admitted. “But I want you to come with me.” Was that what Rimmer was waiting for? Did he need a smegging invitation?
Rimmer fidgeted with the blanket under him. “Even so, this doesn’t seem… wrong to you?”
“It’s probably the only thing that’s felt truly right in three million years.” Lister assured him.
“You know what I mean.” Rimmer replied, looking down. “Back on Io, they had… words for people like… like us.” He managed. “People back home were proper. Only … only perverts and criminals think things like this.”
Lister was alarmed to see that Rimmer was just barely holding back tears. “Rimmer…” he began. “We’re not on Io. We’re enlightened twenty third century people, yeah? You’re not doing anything wrong by this.”
“It’s just…” Rimmer struggled to put into words a lifetime on Io. Why was Lister insisting on having this discussion? He squirmed under the uncomfortable spotlight of Lister’s logic.
“What? It’s just that everyone on Io is a religious extremist, and I thought you didn’t believe in all that?” Lister tried. “You’re letting your future be decided by what people would think in a crazy place like that, a place that doesn’t even exist anymore?”
Rimmer sighed. “I don’t. I just feel like…” Like hiding, actually. Rimmer felt a dull ace in his skull forming, the precursor of a tension headache. Maybe everyone on Io was long gone, but he could still see their stern, disapproving expressions clearly in his mind’s eye. Lister was all wrong, they silently scolded him. Wrong sex, wrong family, wrong upbringing, wrong schools… he just wasn’t like them. Rimmer wasn’t quite like them, either, but by choosing Lister for a mate, he would become all wrong, as well. No one would mention his name. They would pretend that he didn’t exist. They would sneer over the blank space he used to inhabit at family functions, each one thinking horrid thoughts but not speaking them directly… or they would have, if only they had still been alive to do so.
“Is it wrong if there’s no one around to tell you it isn’t?” Lister prodded. “No one left to bully or mock you, no one to tell you that you don’t know what’s best for your own life?”
Rimmer looked unconvinced, still. Lister took his hand, gently. “Everyone here knows what you mean to me, Arn. It’s just us, so why can’t we just be happy? Don’t you deserve to be happy after all of this?” Lister was trying to be patient. Here he was doing all the work, and Rimmer still discarded his propositions, when he’d just admitted that at least part of him wanted what Lister did.
Lister’s reason was beginning to sway him, and Rimmer toughened his resolve. He couldn’t give in without going over all of the possible pitfalls, he couldn’t risk regret after taking such a huge step into the unknown. “I had a list, once.” He murmured. “Back on Red Dwarf. All the reasons that I couldn’t let myself do this.” This was embarrassing, now. He was never supposed to have to say anything on the list aloud. It was supposed to remain safely in his possession, reminding him of the rules. It was private. What was even more distressing was that Lister was making sense. As the last human, he pretty much was society, and society seemed all too eager to shag him senseless. If he’d been less wound up, the realization that Lister was the new standard for his species would have infuriated him.
“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Lister groaned. “You can’t go about everything in life like it’s a Risk tournament, Arn. You can’t plan everything out and make a strategy for things like love. Maybe no one ever told you that, but I’m tellin’ you now.” Lister was beginning to feel as though his own strategy was failing, though. It seemed that no matter what angle he took, Rimmer would find a way to deflect every overture, all his best lines, and even all of his true confessions. He couldn’t just jump the man, though, through the years he’d learned that Rimmer needed to be won over with words and reason, even if it was faulty reason. He had to keep stalling for time, keep rationalizing until Rimmer became comfortable with the idea. He had to be patient.
Rimmer nodded. He was losing. Hell, he wanted to lose. For once, he was glad of Lister’s convincing rambles.
“Does this really feel wrong?” Lister asked, stroking his cheek. Rimmer shook his head, and didn’t resist when Lister leaned in to kiss him. Lister felt a surge of victorious glee as Rimmer gave in. The odds were in his favor again.
Rimmer pulled Lister closer, and somehow, it wasn’t awkward. Disjointed memories surfaced again, and Rimmer was now quite sure that they were more than mere dreams.
“I think Ace did this.” He gasped, as they parted.
“You did this, when you were Ace, you mean.” Lister replied. He frowned slightly. “So who was the lucky guy?”
“I’m pretty sure it was you.” Rimmer replied, with an uncomfortable cough.
Lister smiled then, and pressed close. “Huh. Lucky sod.”
“Interesting choice of words.” Rimmer frowned.
“Stop being so smegging analytical.” Lister chuckled. “So… are you okay with this, now?” Lister looked skeptical.
Rimmer considered it, briefly. He’d already done this, hadn’t he? No sense in turning back now, he reasoned, driven by his rapidly growing desire for the man before him.
“Arn?” Lister asked, losing confidence in the silence that followed.
Rimmer nodded, stiffly.
Lister’s face lit up then, as he leaned in to nuzzle Rimmer’s neck, just under his ear. “Don’t be scared. We don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to.”
Rimmer shivered as the words ghosted over his skin. He was painfully aroused now, and quite sure that he wanted everything, smeg, anything that Lister could think of doing. He pulled Lister closer, and considered the human with a possessive gaze for just a moment before deciding on action. Somewhat nervously, he reached for the clasp of Lister’s jumpsuit, but was startled by a loud noise, followed by a vibration through the cabin.
“What was that?” Lister glanced over his shoulder.
“Debris, or something.” Rimmer replied, not caring about much but the task at hand.
“Right.” Lister fumbled with the stubborn clasp himself, his fingers getting in Rimmer’s way. Another loud noise followed, this time the impact throwing them both to the ground. Lister cursed under his breath. “It’s not just a bit of garbage, is it?” he asked, regretfully. Rimmer was on his feet already, damn him, damn all of this! He was so close!
“Blue Alert.” Rimmer replied, snapping to attention.
Lister winced. Whatever was out there was going to get a damn good thrashing from him personally.