Fic: Why? - Lister/Kochanski, Cat/Lister, Rimmer/Lister (implied) - PG-13
Title: Why?
Pairing: Lister/Kochanski, Cat/Lister, Rimmer/Lister (implied)
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Still don't own Red Dwarf. Or make money from this.
Spoilers: Epideme and Stoke Me a Clipper
Notes: I wrote me some Cat/Lister. Ish. I blame ellieet and her lovely stories. Written as part of the fanfic100 challenge - my table is here.
Lister pretended to be surprised when he found Krissie sneaking up into his bunk in the middle of the night, although he had suspected it. She’d had a very come-hither look in her eyes during dinner. And that comment about aubergines, could that really have been as innocent as all that? Clearly not. And it was really her this time; he’d been sleeping with the lights on for the last few nights just to make sure. He didn’t particularly feel like loosing any more limbs.
She was wearing a lacy teddy; the blue and purple one he’d bought for their one-week anniversary, the one he’d spent hours trying to find among the seedy little sex-shops on Ganymede. On reflection, he thought it a little strange that this Kristine would be wearing something he’d bought for her parallel universe self, but he didn’t much care; there was an actual, live, half-naked woman in his bed for the first time in a few ice-ages, and he wasn’t about to waste time with meaningless questions. When she snuggled up to him sensually, he merely wrapped his one remaining arm around her, and opened up his mouth to receive her eager kisses. She didn’t taste like he remembered, although he wasn’t entirely sure which Kristine he was remembering. And which Krissie was this? Did it matter? Probably not, his groin insisted, let’s just keep kissing her. And some fondling later wouldn’t be amiss either, it added. That taste was really something else. A sort of creamy, milky, taste, with sort of fishy undercurrent to it. Not unpleasant though. Her coarse, grating tongue took some getting used to, but…
…He woke up, opening his eyes to the sight of an oblivious, entirely naked Cat kissing him with impressive vigor.
“Cat!” he screamed in a rather un-becoming falsetto, praying that the others hadn’t heard him. This was not a situation he wanted to be seen in. “Fer smeg’s sake, what are you doing?”
“What does it look like?” the feline replied, undisturbed. He was the same color all over, Lister noted; he had sometimes wondered. Somehow, he managed to look impeccably dressed and stylish even when stark naked. There was something deeply unsettling about that, as if the fact that he was lying naked in Lister’s bunk wasn’t disturbing enough. “I’m trying to have sex with you.”
“Well, stop it!” Lister tore his arm free, and pulled the duvet towards him awkwardly.
The Cat looked at him in confusion. “Why?”
“What do you mean, ‘why’? Because I don’t want you to, that’s why!”
The Cat seemed to consider this, then tilted his head.“Why?”
“I’m not attracted to you in that way!”
This was rewarded with a look of concern and caution. “Why; are you sick or something? I could go get you some medicine?”
Lister sighed. “I’m fine.”
“Look, buddy, if you don’t want this;” he indicated his admittedly well-toned, six-nippled body, “you’re pretty far from fine. Maybe you’re just a little tense or something. Go take a nice hot shower - I can wait!”
“Cat, I don’t want to have sex with you! I don’t want to have sex with anyone,” Lister said, sudden realization striking him. “I mean, I do, but not anyone on this ship. And not now!”
The Cat slinked slightly away from him, drawing his head back. He scratched his ear thoughtfully, then furrowed his brow. “Why?”
“Look, I know you find this hard to believe, but not everyone wants to have sex with you, and not everyone wants to have sex when you want it.”
The Cat snorted, as though this sounded completely insane. “You monkeys are strange,” he asserted. “I don’t get you. I figured, if you were doing the slip ‘n slide with alphabet fridge-magnet head, it must be because you thought I wouldn’t be interested. And frankly, I wasn’t, but I figured you’d be lonely with him not here anymore, so I decided to do you a favor.” He smiled, magnanimously.
Lister’s mind reeled. “What are you talking about? Rimmer? Me and Rimmer?”
“Relax, bud. I’d be embarrassed too, but there’s no need for this to go any further.” He leaned in conspiratorially. “I’m not telling anyone.”
“Cat, there’s nothing to tell! Me and Rimmer…” He paused, the memory of that dream he was always trying to forget surfacing like a treacherous ice-berg.
The Cat patted his nose meaningfully. “Can’t fool these nostrils! I’ve smelled the lust radiating from you two for years. OK,” he admitted, “so Mr. Personality didn’t really smell like anything before he got that hard-thingy-whatzit, but I’ve got more than one sense. Now don’t even try to tell me you two never played the national indoor game with that kind of sexual tension going on.”
Lister tried to protest, but found there were no words that expressed what he was trying to get across. In fact, he wasn’t entirely sure even he knew what he was trying to explain. The Cat rose from Lister’s bunk, and stretched lazily. “Oh well,” he shrugged elegantly, “I’ll go find something else to have sex with. Your loss.” Soundlessly, he sidled towards the door, and was gone.
Lister lay back, stiff as a board, knowing he wouldn’t get any more sleep that night. He wasn’t sure what he was more afraid of; falling asleep and dreaming, or staying awake and finding someone else in his bed. Who would be next; Kryten? Well, that certainly didn’t bear thinking about. Resignedly, he sat up, fished around on the floor for his secret stash of beer, and, balancing the can awkwardly under his chin, popped a chili from underneath his pillow into his mouth. It was going to be a long night alone with his thoughts…
Pairing: Lister/Kochanski, Cat/Lister, Rimmer/Lister (implied)
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Still don't own Red Dwarf. Or make money from this.
Spoilers: Epideme and Stoke Me a Clipper
Notes: I wrote me some Cat/Lister. Ish. I blame ellieet and her lovely stories. Written as part of the fanfic100 challenge - my table is here.
Lister pretended to be surprised when he found Krissie sneaking up into his bunk in the middle of the night, although he had suspected it. She’d had a very come-hither look in her eyes during dinner. And that comment about aubergines, could that really have been as innocent as all that? Clearly not. And it was really her this time; he’d been sleeping with the lights on for the last few nights just to make sure. He didn’t particularly feel like loosing any more limbs.
She was wearing a lacy teddy; the blue and purple one he’d bought for their one-week anniversary, the one he’d spent hours trying to find among the seedy little sex-shops on Ganymede. On reflection, he thought it a little strange that this Kristine would be wearing something he’d bought for her parallel universe self, but he didn’t much care; there was an actual, live, half-naked woman in his bed for the first time in a few ice-ages, and he wasn’t about to waste time with meaningless questions. When she snuggled up to him sensually, he merely wrapped his one remaining arm around her, and opened up his mouth to receive her eager kisses. She didn’t taste like he remembered, although he wasn’t entirely sure which Kristine he was remembering. And which Krissie was this? Did it matter? Probably not, his groin insisted, let’s just keep kissing her. And some fondling later wouldn’t be amiss either, it added. That taste was really something else. A sort of creamy, milky, taste, with sort of fishy undercurrent to it. Not unpleasant though. Her coarse, grating tongue took some getting used to, but…
…He woke up, opening his eyes to the sight of an oblivious, entirely naked Cat kissing him with impressive vigor.
“Cat!” he screamed in a rather un-becoming falsetto, praying that the others hadn’t heard him. This was not a situation he wanted to be seen in. “Fer smeg’s sake, what are you doing?”
“What does it look like?” the feline replied, undisturbed. He was the same color all over, Lister noted; he had sometimes wondered. Somehow, he managed to look impeccably dressed and stylish even when stark naked. There was something deeply unsettling about that, as if the fact that he was lying naked in Lister’s bunk wasn’t disturbing enough. “I’m trying to have sex with you.”
“Well, stop it!” Lister tore his arm free, and pulled the duvet towards him awkwardly.
The Cat looked at him in confusion. “Why?”
“What do you mean, ‘why’? Because I don’t want you to, that’s why!”
The Cat seemed to consider this, then tilted his head.“Why?”
“I’m not attracted to you in that way!”
This was rewarded with a look of concern and caution. “Why; are you sick or something? I could go get you some medicine?”
Lister sighed. “I’m fine.”
“Look, buddy, if you don’t want this;” he indicated his admittedly well-toned, six-nippled body, “you’re pretty far from fine. Maybe you’re just a little tense or something. Go take a nice hot shower - I can wait!”
“Cat, I don’t want to have sex with you! I don’t want to have sex with anyone,” Lister said, sudden realization striking him. “I mean, I do, but not anyone on this ship. And not now!”
The Cat slinked slightly away from him, drawing his head back. He scratched his ear thoughtfully, then furrowed his brow. “Why?”
“Look, I know you find this hard to believe, but not everyone wants to have sex with you, and not everyone wants to have sex when you want it.”
The Cat snorted, as though this sounded completely insane. “You monkeys are strange,” he asserted. “I don’t get you. I figured, if you were doing the slip ‘n slide with alphabet fridge-magnet head, it must be because you thought I wouldn’t be interested. And frankly, I wasn’t, but I figured you’d be lonely with him not here anymore, so I decided to do you a favor.” He smiled, magnanimously.
Lister’s mind reeled. “What are you talking about? Rimmer? Me and Rimmer?”
“Relax, bud. I’d be embarrassed too, but there’s no need for this to go any further.” He leaned in conspiratorially. “I’m not telling anyone.”
“Cat, there’s nothing to tell! Me and Rimmer…” He paused, the memory of that dream he was always trying to forget surfacing like a treacherous ice-berg.
The Cat patted his nose meaningfully. “Can’t fool these nostrils! I’ve smelled the lust radiating from you two for years. OK,” he admitted, “so Mr. Personality didn’t really smell like anything before he got that hard-thingy-whatzit, but I’ve got more than one sense. Now don’t even try to tell me you two never played the national indoor game with that kind of sexual tension going on.”
Lister tried to protest, but found there were no words that expressed what he was trying to get across. In fact, he wasn’t entirely sure even he knew what he was trying to explain. The Cat rose from Lister’s bunk, and stretched lazily. “Oh well,” he shrugged elegantly, “I’ll go find something else to have sex with. Your loss.” Soundlessly, he sidled towards the door, and was gone.
Lister lay back, stiff as a board, knowing he wouldn’t get any more sleep that night. He wasn’t sure what he was more afraid of; falling asleep and dreaming, or staying awake and finding someone else in his bed. Who would be next; Kryten? Well, that certainly didn’t bear thinking about. Resignedly, he sat up, fished around on the floor for his secret stash of beer, and, balancing the can awkwardly under his chin, popped a chili from underneath his pillow into his mouth. It was going to be a long night alone with his thoughts…