fic: cheerios

[redfuryy]

Title: Cheerios
Pairing: Fernando Torres/Sergio Ramos
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 955
Disclaimer: Only real in my head.  Darker than usual.
Notes:   Wrote this while half asleep.  I'm not really sure that I like it, but I wanted to post it anyways.

Comments

[sumrndmgrl]

I liked the tormenting twist you had on it and that, for me at least, Sergio didn't seem like the innocent one for once.

[redfuryy]

I definitely, definitely was going for that angle in this fic, so I'm glad you notice/enjoyed it.

I was getting a bit bored of the fan fictions that continuously portray Fernando as the pansy boy who can never really build up the courage to leave Olalla or to stay and not run away from his problems. I just thought I'd try something new.

[sumrndmgrl]

Yeah, I know what you mean! Maybe next one you can push that even a little more. It's usually innocent, hurt Sergio getting "screwed over" because of Fernando's situation and having both him and Olalla. Maybe you can spin that. :) Good job!

[go_for_it_kid]

Ohhhh, I enjoyed this! I kinda like Nando being the one wondering about Sergio, most fics have Sergio pining after Nando, and it's hard to find one that doesn't, personally I like it! In my kind it kinda makes up for the fact that nano has Olalla, and Sergio is alone, in a sence I feel that Sergio kinda deserves this types of freedoms... I dunno, I'm rambling, but I really did enjoy it!

[redfuryy]

Thank you, thank you.
I wanted to include something along those lines, because I do feel that Sergio does have a promiscuous streak to him, even if that's just a coping method.

[ttentten]

i don't know why you're unsure about this, because i absolutely loved it.

That’s his distinctive style, after all, the gnashing of teeth on some bar stool leading slippery to his guest bedroom (his own bedroom is reserved for Fernando, Sergio lies), tongues tying together in commitments that will last a single night and half-removed undergarments offering promises of baby, baby, don’t stop. He knows how Sergio will taste on her tongue, and how she'll be finding pieces of his hair weaved within her clothes for the next few weeks. Fernando remembers it all distinctly.

especially this. i love that they're both slimy and not innocent and using people, because in my mind that's a lot more realistic than a lot of the other iterations i've read.

[redfuryy]

I was going for that. I really hope that I made it difficult to make a decision between who is the victim and who is the 'bad guy' in this fic, because I don't really feel that there is one in this relationship. At least, not for me.

[kissmecait17]

“Yeah." Fernando swallows, and he finally aches.

I am so heartbroken for Fernando. I love this line because it seems like the feelings that he has been barricading have finally caught up with him.
The entire scene with him sitting in the kitchen is so terribly sad. The fact that he throws up all of the cheerios before he can bear to go in to Olalla makes my heart ache.
Somehow, he finds it easier to touch the woman he deserves to love whenever he knows the sight of her skin will make him sick with guilt.
I like that you write about Fernando's guilt because even though this piece is short it really adds a lot to his character; he wants Sergio so badly but his heart is still weighed down with guilt.
And the part about him whispering Sergio's name in his head? Gah. *died*
This is wonderful.

[redfuryy]

Thank you! I'm really glad it all made sense.

[eileenyx]

I really like these:
...some pang of arthritic and aging guilt, far too ancient to be exciting anymore...

...apologizing for the remnants of the mess that he used to love to be...

I'm uncomfortable in the best way because of the weariness and the cynicism. The cold and decidedly unsentimental tone works for me. I really like the way you show how the affair between Nando and Sergio has become stale, tedious, and on its way to being meaningless, because of all the pretending self-disgust. And I love how I'm unable to fully sympathize with any of them, but I can't hate/blame them because we're all self-serving at some point, eh?

[redfuryy]

Yes, and your last sentence basically sums up everything I was trying to say perfectly. So thanks! :D

[eileenyx]

I'm giving your Olalla the side-eye too, because you wrote her as a participant to all of this. Her motivations are understandable, too. But it's still like, girl, please end this cycle of bullshit.