avalanche
I can feel myself changing, I'm not sure it's for the better. I'm slowly adopting some qualities I used to sort of look down on; conversely, I can't stand the emotionally inaccessible, 'moral high-ground' person I've been for so long. I miss out on so much. I feel like I'll look back and realize what a joke it is ... that I should have been out having experiences, even if they're flawed experiences, rather than sitting in my bedroom overanalyzing everything, obsessing about how alienated I feel.
I mean, it was to the point where someone would put on a really bad rap song and I would immediately strike them off a list in my head. Not that I would be mean to them, or look down on them even, but I would feel like they couldn't understand me. How lame & narrow is that? How can I have so much self-hatred, yet still be so judgmental of other people? I've felt disconnected from everyone for so long, and it's not worth it. Not that I'll ever like rap. Ever. Christ, this isn't about rap at all. At all. Haha.
I torture myself about how others perceive me, often to the point of paranoia and, occasionally, sheer panic. I'm tired of worrying all the time. I have to accept that not every experience in life is going to be filled with poetry and meaning, but for some reason, I've been really hesitant to compromise those ideals, even though they've done so much damage to my psychology. But it's crazy to live that way. Life isn't like that, and a mindset like that only leads to constant disappointment & disillusion. One vaguely negative comment from someone, bad experience, minor embarrassment, etc. and I'm ruined for months.
I'm just tired. I'm tired of fearing rejection so intensely that I close myself off. You can't please everyone. There are going to be people who don't like you, aren't attracted to you, or whatever, etc., etc. It's a part of life. & honestly, I want to be a source of light & warmth to other people ... not "here comes Travis again, dragging his rain cloud behind him." I don't want to wear my insecurities on my sleeve all the time. I don't want to think ALL THE TIME. I want to have 'fun,' moments of joy, or non-joy. Just something. I want to do this without compromising who I am at my core, that inward person. Argh. I'm feeling some serious existential urgency about my own mortality too, with occasional awesome drunk thought patterns like:
"Shit, my heart is going to stop beating one day, I'm going to fucking die, and I'm wasting my time feeling inadequate, obsessing about my flaws, many of which I blow all out of proportion. Everything is passing me by. I must do something now. Now, Now, Now. Go talk to that girl! Kiss her! Shit! You missed the window. RAAAWWWRRR. Stop psyching yourself out. Stop thinking so much. ARRRRGGGHH. This will haunt you on your death-bed. Do SOMETHING. Be ALIVE! At least try. That girl is so fucking beautiful. Kill yourself! *image of myself hanging from a tree, falling from a bridge, etc.,* *image of my funeral* You can't cope with all of this! You're not built for it. No. Don't. Try, try. Holy fuck!"
Ok, I'm tucking my sleeve back in. So, anyway, hopefully this is my last rant like this for a while. As insane as this post may sound (and I only post it here because only a few people even know about my LJ), I've been doing considerably better lately with the whole social anxiety thing (I think?). I'm still confused though. I'm not even sure what about, exactly? Everything?
If you want a little summary about some of the angst/ sexual frustration I'm feeling, listen to "There is a Lite that Never Goes Out" by The Smiths. That's pretty much my anthem right now.
"And in the darkened underpass, I thought ..."
Reservations about posting this? I has them.