(no subject)
I haven't updated in awhile with anything substantial, so here goes nothing.
I wake up everyday feeling exactly the same. I open my eyes and think of her. I try to sleep in as I have been able to do since April (and I mean REALLY sleep in), but now I find it impossible. I wake up around 8-9 every morning, feeling exhausted and nauseous. I get up and try to do something to get my mind on other things, but it's impossible. I inevitably end up back on my computer, staring at her pictures and thinking of how beautiful she is and how unfair all this feels. I still read her letters and things she made me, and I wonder how it all disappeared so fast. The same feelings rush in and overtake me; loneliness, fear, anger and frustration, confusion, emptiness and depression. My stomach rumbles and I end up in the bathroom every morning; I have lost 10 pounds since all this has happened, partly due to trying to be more active and ride my bike, but also because I rarely eat and only drink water and beer. I more or less live off of cigarettes and liquids, and at one point in my life that wasn't so bad but now it feels terrible.
When I told Chris that I honestly didn't care about anything, I was only being partially truthful. I don't really care about much anymore, but that's been something that has been true for awhile. I care about my friends and family, and I care about animals. But since she's left and has expressed an interest in continuing her life without me (although according to her, "nothing is set in stone"), she also took that last part of me that really gave a shit. I gave everything to her; I was willing to start my life over just to be closer to her. I gave up playing an important role in band I've been in for 3+ years for her, I spent money I honestly didn't have and won't have for awhile to be closer, I drove across state lines numerous times just to be closer, I wrote her song after song after song because she inspired me to know end. She inspired me to be a better person, to want to be more active in my community and the things I believe in. She made me feel like I could do anything, that moving and managing a new life while at the same time keeping my important ties here in Tucson alive was doable and, to some extent, easy. She made me feel like trusting in someone else with your deepest fears and darkest secrets was possible again. She made me feel like I had found a soul mate, something she even said herself. She made me feel like all of this depression I've felt over the years that I never told anyone about was worth it, because if I hadn't made it this far, I never would have met her. She made me feel special, she made me feel worth it.
And now that she is on her own, figuring out her life and probably moving even farther away to be single and free, I can't help but feel like a fucking limb has been cut off. I feel like the whole world rolled out from under me, and I just keep falling farther and farther down until eventually I hit something, whether that means I found my footing again or I hit the ground hard enough to kill me is still a mystery. She told me I made her feel like she could do anything, so I guess that also means that I made her feel like she could go on with out me. She is worth everything to me and I would and will do anything for her, so in essence that's exactly what I'm doing - I am willing to go through this pain because all I want is for her to be happy. When you meet someone who makes you feel that way it's an incredible and scary place to be. I've never been with someone who I honestly wanted to put before me in every way, to take care of and make them feel safe. I want to be strong for her and be dependable.
I wasn't enough for her, she needs to figure out her life and figure out what makes her happy in life. I fell so deeply in love with her that I feel like I was with her for a lifetime, when in actuality in wasn't very long at all. "I haven't seen my heart in months, but I can tell you now I know it's broken". She said that nothing is certain, that she still isn't sure of what she's doing and she isn't sure of what she's going to do. She said she still wants to be with me, she still said she wanted to be my girl. She said if we can be together we will be. That's all I can go on. I trust her with everything I have left, but if the day comes where she looks at me and in my glassy eyes and tells me to let her go, I honestly have no idea of what will happen to me. Sometimes I feel like without her, what's the point?
Everyday I wake up and feel the same. Every night I go to sleep but I don't look forward to waking up. Where do I go from here?
I wake up everyday feeling exactly the same. I open my eyes and think of her. I try to sleep in as I have been able to do since April (and I mean REALLY sleep in), but now I find it impossible. I wake up around 8-9 every morning, feeling exhausted and nauseous. I get up and try to do something to get my mind on other things, but it's impossible. I inevitably end up back on my computer, staring at her pictures and thinking of how beautiful she is and how unfair all this feels. I still read her letters and things she made me, and I wonder how it all disappeared so fast. The same feelings rush in and overtake me; loneliness, fear, anger and frustration, confusion, emptiness and depression. My stomach rumbles and I end up in the bathroom every morning; I have lost 10 pounds since all this has happened, partly due to trying to be more active and ride my bike, but also because I rarely eat and only drink water and beer. I more or less live off of cigarettes and liquids, and at one point in my life that wasn't so bad but now it feels terrible.
When I told Chris that I honestly didn't care about anything, I was only being partially truthful. I don't really care about much anymore, but that's been something that has been true for awhile. I care about my friends and family, and I care about animals. But since she's left and has expressed an interest in continuing her life without me (although according to her, "nothing is set in stone"), she also took that last part of me that really gave a shit. I gave everything to her; I was willing to start my life over just to be closer to her. I gave up playing an important role in band I've been in for 3+ years for her, I spent money I honestly didn't have and won't have for awhile to be closer, I drove across state lines numerous times just to be closer, I wrote her song after song after song because she inspired me to know end. She inspired me to be a better person, to want to be more active in my community and the things I believe in. She made me feel like I could do anything, that moving and managing a new life while at the same time keeping my important ties here in Tucson alive was doable and, to some extent, easy. She made me feel like trusting in someone else with your deepest fears and darkest secrets was possible again. She made me feel like I had found a soul mate, something she even said herself. She made me feel like all of this depression I've felt over the years that I never told anyone about was worth it, because if I hadn't made it this far, I never would have met her. She made me feel special, she made me feel worth it.
And now that she is on her own, figuring out her life and probably moving even farther away to be single and free, I can't help but feel like a fucking limb has been cut off. I feel like the whole world rolled out from under me, and I just keep falling farther and farther down until eventually I hit something, whether that means I found my footing again or I hit the ground hard enough to kill me is still a mystery. She told me I made her feel like she could do anything, so I guess that also means that I made her feel like she could go on with out me. She is worth everything to me and I would and will do anything for her, so in essence that's exactly what I'm doing - I am willing to go through this pain because all I want is for her to be happy. When you meet someone who makes you feel that way it's an incredible and scary place to be. I've never been with someone who I honestly wanted to put before me in every way, to take care of and make them feel safe. I want to be strong for her and be dependable.
I wasn't enough for her, she needs to figure out her life and figure out what makes her happy in life. I fell so deeply in love with her that I feel like I was with her for a lifetime, when in actuality in wasn't very long at all. "I haven't seen my heart in months, but I can tell you now I know it's broken". She said that nothing is certain, that she still isn't sure of what she's doing and she isn't sure of what she's going to do. She said she still wants to be with me, she still said she wanted to be my girl. She said if we can be together we will be. That's all I can go on. I trust her with everything I have left, but if the day comes where she looks at me and in my glassy eyes and tells me to let her go, I honestly have no idea of what will happen to me. Sometimes I feel like without her, what's the point?
Everyday I wake up and feel the same. Every night I go to sleep but I don't look forward to waking up. Where do I go from here?