A Birthday in the Summer - Summer Day 'verse timestamp
Title: A Birthday in the Summer
Rating: PG-13 (see warnings)
Genre: AU
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Spoiler/Warnings: terminal illness
Word Count: ~3000
Summary: Jared just wants Jensen to kiss him.
A/N: A timestamp for my Summer Day 'verse. Set before Last Day of Summer. Someone mentioned in the comments that I didn't write their first kiss after the reunion... Well, I guess I couldn't leave it like that. So if someone is still interested, here it is ;)
A Birthday in the Summer
“I think Heaven will be like a first kiss.”
~Sarah Addison Allen, The Sugar Queen
Jensen
An arm cuts through water. Soft, rhythmic slashes. Jensen listens with his eyes closed. The air around him is still. The sun is setting. He feels it, still warm, on his skin. It's the golden hour.
He curls his hands in the lawn around him. It's dried out. Dead. The leaves under his fingers crumble and turn into dust.
He brings his hand up and glances at the remains in his palm. Gives them a soft smile. A silent, last goodbye before he blows them off into the afterlife. If they got an afterlife.
His name pulls Jensen from his thoughts. Jared's waving at him from the pool. Smiling wide, dimples deep. Still happy.
So Jensen pushes to his feet and walks over. Sits down on the edge of the pool and dangles his legs into the water. It caresses his skin with a cool, soothing touch.
Jared brackets his thighs with his hands and looks up at him. Just looks at him, still smiling. It's warm and bright and Jensen's certain the world could survive without the sun as long as Jared's there.
With idle fingers Jensen reaches out. Trails them over Jared's cheek, takes in the shape of his face. He cups it and curls his fingers in Jared's hair. It's soaking wet, but he doesn't mind. Loves it in fact. It reminds him of the first time they met.
He smiles, but then his eyes fall on a crumble of the dead grass that's still sticking to the back of his hand and he sighs. “You think there's a place for plants in heaven?”
Jared
The question jostles him and he has to avert his eyes. But there's no help anywhere. No escape.
Jared takes a moment to gather his bearings. The pool is almost empty. The water is calming down. Tiny waves ebbing off, reflecting the orange glow of the setting sun. It's near closing time and a young couple grabs their bags and heads for the exit. Hand in hand. With them gone, Jensen and him are the only ones left. He drops his head on Jensen's lap. Keeps staring into the distance.
“I don't know...” He says, forcing his voice to remain even. He really doesn't. And lately he's trying his damn best to avoid thinking about anything death related. He's selfish here and he can admit that. At least to himself. He doesn't care who or what goes to heaven as long as there's a spot for Jensen. And maybe for him, so they can meet again someday. He just wishes neither of those spots would be needed until well in the future.
Jensen sees through him. Of course he does. He always does. Jared can hear the smirk in Jensen's voice when he says, “Well, I thought, if plants go, they could keep my place warm for me. You know, so I can take my time.” He pauses. “And then ya' could make 'em put The weed called him on my tombstone.”
Jared grins despite himself. “I think that might give the wrong impression.”
“It'd be fun, though. Make people stop by. Have a smile, wondering if it means what they think it means.”
He hums. Gets what Jensen's trying to do. Trying to lighten the mood again. But the tomb stone is already made. And for nearly half a year it's been waiting for its cue. Their own personal sword of Damocles.
Jensen's fingers play with his hair and Jared wonders if maybe he's even more selfish than he thought. Jensen doesn't talk about death often. Jared figures it's for various reasons, but one of them is him. Because he's the one who doesn't like to. So this time, he pushes his trepidation down and glances up. “Do you think plants go to heaven?”
Jensen shrugs. “No other place to go for them, is there?”
“So... heaven looks just like it does here?”
At that Jensen glances around. Frowns and shrugs again. “Well, maybe not exactly like here.”
Curiosity gets the better of Jared. He straightens and takes Jensen's hands. Catches his eyes. “Then what do you think heaven looks like?”
A wide smile spreads on Jensen's lips. Crinkles the corners of his eyes. They shine with certainty. “Like our house. Ya' know,” he says, nonchalantly, “home.”
And that's when he gets it. Why Jensen isn't scared of dying.
Jensen
He watches as a wide smile spreads on Jared's face. Then, gently Jared pats his hands and Jensen gets that warm feeling in his stomach that's just a little bit awkward. That feeling that makes him want to ask what did I do? He never asks, though.
Jared pushes off the edge and floats a few feet back. He holds out a hand and softly says, “Come here.”
It makes Jensen smirk. Makes him remember. Slowly, he drums his feet against the pool wall. One, two. One, two... “You ain't gonna drown me, are ya'?”
Jared laughs and shakes his head. Then straightens and holds out both hands. “No. I won't.”
So Jensen slowly lowers himself into the water. His arms tremble under the strain of his weight. It's weird, lately. Working out has become harder rather than easier, too. But it's not too bad. He can handle it.
Jared watches him. Smiles at him. And he smiles back. That, at least, still comes easy.
Jared
“Think you still got it?” He asks.
Jensen nods. Rattles of the list of mnemonics he'd come up with all those years ago. “Prayer, arrow, shark fin, saloon door. And kicking your feet.”
“And the most important thing-”
“Keeping my head up. I know.” Jensen shoos him away with his hands and Jared takes another couple steps back. Gives him some room. And waits. Waits with his hands reaching out just under the surface.
Jensen's got the theory down. His coordination is like the first time, though. He struggles. His head dips under and Jared sucks in a harsh breath. “Easy there, you got it,” he calls, “I know you can do it.”
And Jensen does. His feet don't touch the ground. He's spitting water left and right, though. Swimming, but faltering between strokes.
Jared reaches out. “Keep going, Jensen. Just a little further, just-” Their fingertips touch and Jared grasps his hands. Jensen comes up straight. Smiling, breathing harshly, he falls in close. Their cheeks touch. The corners of their lips. But they don't kiss.
Jared's heart drops. He'd thought...
Their eyes meet. Jensen's smile fades and he pushes back. Sways on his feet.
“Jensen-” he starts, but Jensen shakes his head. Turns and wipes a hand over his face. “It's late. We better get going.”
As if on cue, a pool employer approaches them. Gaunt, with a shaved head and a stoic face. “Guys,” he calls, “we're closing.”
Jensen gives the man a curt salute and climbs up the ladder. There're dark spots on Jensen's shoulder. Some on the small of his back. Jared stares at them and they mock him. He scrunches his eyes shut but they dance in his vision.
Yeah, it's getting late. No need to tell him that.
Jensen
Outside, the world flies by in a whirl. Jared's pushing the speed limit. But Jensen doesn't point it out. He ain't really looking at anything anyway. His gut is tying itself into knots. He almost slipped. Caught in the mood. The memory. That decade old feeling that was better than any high.
His fingertips find his lips on their own accord. So he curls his hands into fists. Crosses his arms over his chest. Next to him, Jared clears his throat. Takes his eyes off the road to glance at him.
“You promised you'd do anything for my birthday.”
“Don't ya' pin me down on that,” Jensen says. Drops his head against the window. He's got to keep saying no. No matter how hard it gets. Besides, he's felt worse.
Only he hasn't.
Not even during his last days with Roy. When he hadn't stopped bleeding from his ass. When he had to drag himself to the hospital, on all fours by the time he'd reached the ER. On his own because he'd become too old for the movies Roy made.
Saying no to Jared feels like someone tied a rope around his heart, his gut - all his fucking intestines - to pull 'em out one by one. He's got to bear it, though. For Jared. For his future.
A gentle touch tickles the back of his hand. Jensen opens his fist and Jared entwines their fingers. “I want to kiss you so bad, it hurts,” Jared says.
Jensen hums. It ain't like he doesn't know that. But still... “I don't wanna give you that herpes and saint capote thing-y.”
“It's called Kaposi's sarcoma.”
He blinks an eye open. Smirks. “'s what I said.”
Jared hits the breaks at a red light. Turns in the seat. “Don't-” he says and points an angry finger at him. “This is serious.”
“Yeah, you tell me.”
Jared's eyes go wide. Just for a split second, though. Then his eyes and lips narrow and tighten. “If you infect me with that herpes virus, I might get that sarcoma shit. I-”
Jensen interrupts him. “Why are you suddenly this pushy about it?”
“I- Well, I just... what you said at the pool. It made me realize there's no reason to be scared. And I, I just want to kiss you before... before I can't anymore. So I'm willing to take my chances.”
Jensen lets his head loll to the side. Glances at his reflection in the mirror. The groove between his ear and jaw. The dark spots there that might pass for moles if you didn't know they hadn't been there a few months ago. “Well, I ain't.”
Next to him, Jared shifts. Grabs his knee, his shoulder, anything he can hold onto. “Why not?” His eyes plead with him. “Our time's running out, Jensen.”
He looks over. Looks Jared straight in the eye. Smiles, but he can feel its shaky. Threatening to slip. “I don't wantcha to regret it one day.”
A loud honk from behind breaks the moment. The traffic light has turned green.
Jared
Jared drives down the sharp angels and turns of the street. Straight into the pit of the city. It's getting darker by the minute, the sun setting behind him. In his ears, his blood's rushing. His heart's hammering in despair. “You think I'll regret it, someday,” he says, realization washing over him like a cold shower. “You think I'll regret kissing you, because someday I might want to kiss someone else.”
Jensen gives him a lopsided shrug. A timid nod. “Well, yeah. Ya' ain't even thirty, man.”
“Fuck you.” Jared's jaw locks. Pain radiates from his grinding teeth. “Just fuck you.” He had never considered that. Never thought of someone else now or in the future. And he never will.
The sound of a rattled breath makes Jared glance over. Jensen's not looking at him. His eyes are pointed down as he worries the hem of his black velvet shirt. The anguish, the sincerity in Jensen's voice extinguishes Jared's anger when he says, “I just don't want you to be alone for the next fifty years. ”
Jared reaches out and cups Jensen's hand. Stops it from abusing the hem of his shirt. “I won't be, you'll be with me,” he says and means it. And it's true. It's got to be. Jensen'll be in his heart, in his thoughts and it'll be enough. It'll be fine. If it won't, then he... he'll... Jared blinks hard against the wet shimmer that blurs his vision. “You'll always be with me.”
A barked laugh startles Jared. “I'll try,” Jensen says, “but I don't think I can hold out that long.”
Jared pulls his hand back. Wipes away the tears. Jensen could have shoved a knife in his heart and it would have hurt less. “Some happy fucking birthday.”
Next to him, Jensen's back to worrying his shirt with his jaw locked tight. Decidedly not looking at him. Silence keeps them company for the rest of the ride.
When Jared pulls up into the driveway, he kills the engine but doesn't get out. Just flexes his hands around the steering wheel a couple times. His sister's already here and Chad as well. He can see their cars parked down the road.
They might be waiting, at the ready with cakes and candles. He can't face that. Not yet.
For a moment there, Jensen looks at him like he wants to say something. Like he knows exactly what to say - what to do to comfort him. But in the end Jensen doesn't follow up. Instead he grabs the handle and opens the door.
Jared sighs. Looks at Jensen's back. It's broader now. Stronger. Not the back of a dying man. And yet, it is. “You do realize this is the last birthday I'll share with you, don't you?”
At that Jensen halts. Tenses. Just slightly. Briefly. But enough to notice before Jensen ducks out of the car and hurries up to the front door.
Jared allows himself one more minute. He squeezes his eyes shut against the tears, the pain that rages inside him. If Jensen didn't want to kiss him, he would accept this, but... not like this.
He counts down from ten. Then takes a deep breath, puts a smile on his face and gets out of his car. Ready to celebrate. Or at least he hopes that's what he looks like.
Jensen
Joyful music filters through the bathroom walls. Every note is a thousand ants on Jensen's skin. A bad trip. Jensen can barely stand it. Shivering, he sits on the edge of the bathtub, head between his knees. White knuckling the cold rim. His damp fingers keep slipping.
He'd seen Jared put on a brave face. Had seen Jared relax, slowly but surely, around his friends. His family. He hadn't been able to do the same. Slowly but surely, dizziness had crept up his spine. Along with it the overwhelming urge for a hit. He'd had bad days, but never this. Never felt it like a sledgehammer to his stomach.
It's just an escape, though. He knows that. An old habit - the allure of peace of mind. Even if it's just temporary. He knows what it's really about.
He grinds his teeth against the pain. The thoughts. They won't have it though. They march right through. Heaven's gonna look like home, it'll be warm and familiar and nice. But it'll be empty. Lonley. For a long time, Jared won't be there.
For all his talk that realization had never fully hit home. Until now.
Jensen checks his watch. It's nearing midnight.“...this is the last birthday I'll share with you...”
On his next breath, no air fills his lungs. He tries again. Nothing. His heart hammers. Goes faster and faster. His eyes widen and darkness seeps in on the edge of his vision. A cold touch on the back of his neck.
It's happening. He's dying. In the bathroom. Alone.
“No,” he gasps and lunges for the door. With clammy fingers he flips the lock and falls into the hallway. His hands on the wall for support, he stumbles to the living room. Reaches for...
“Jared,” he says, but it's barely more than a wheeze. The guests that spot him fall quiet. Dad's eyes go wide and Mom claps both hands over her mouth. Chad, Jared's buddy, stands closest to him and reaches out but Jensen bats his hands away. He wants Jared. He needs Jared.
And Jared hears him. Hears the faint echo of his name from across the room. A beer bottle shatters on the floor, Jensen blinks and suddenly Jared's in front of him. Arms open, Jared catches him when he falls.
“Jensen?” Jared calls, then, “shit! Someone call 911!”
“No,” he says, faint but firm. In Jared's arms he calms down. His chest is broad and warm and it gives Jensen the strength to get his feet back under himself. He breathes in time with Jared and air rushes back into his lungs. He slings his arms around Jared. Clutches him tight because he know Jared can bear it.
A panic attack. He hadn't had one since he'd been a teen. Had forgotten what it felt like. He buries his face in Jared's neck. He's still trembling like hell, but he's sure about one thing. He's, “sorry.”
Jared clutches his shoulders and pulls back. Tries to catch his eyes, worried and white as a sheet, but there's hope in the corner of his eyes. Still hope.
“Promise me,” Jensen says, “promise me, you won't stay alone. But also promise me... promise me you won't kiss anybody else.”
At that Jared's chin trembles and tears run down his cheeks. But he nods. “I promise.”
“So,” he swallows hard and works up an apologetic smile, “happy birthday.” He leans in and their foreheads fall together. Then their mouths find each other. Lips gentle, a little shy even. Like a first kiss. Like a kiss at a deserted motel pool under the Nevada sun.
Or maybe, a thought tickles at the back of Jensen's mind, that's what heaven looks like. He smiles. He'd be okay with that, too.
Masterpost
Rating: PG-13 (see warnings)
Genre: AU
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Spoiler/Warnings: terminal illness
Word Count: ~3000
Summary: Jared just wants Jensen to kiss him.
A/N: A timestamp for my Summer Day 'verse. Set before Last Day of Summer. Someone mentioned in the comments that I didn't write their first kiss after the reunion... Well, I guess I couldn't leave it like that. So if someone is still interested, here it is ;)
A Birthday in the Summer
“I think Heaven will be like a first kiss.”
~Sarah Addison Allen, The Sugar Queen
Jensen
An arm cuts through water. Soft, rhythmic slashes. Jensen listens with his eyes closed. The air around him is still. The sun is setting. He feels it, still warm, on his skin. It's the golden hour.
He curls his hands in the lawn around him. It's dried out. Dead. The leaves under his fingers crumble and turn into dust.
He brings his hand up and glances at the remains in his palm. Gives them a soft smile. A silent, last goodbye before he blows them off into the afterlife. If they got an afterlife.
His name pulls Jensen from his thoughts. Jared's waving at him from the pool. Smiling wide, dimples deep. Still happy.
So Jensen pushes to his feet and walks over. Sits down on the edge of the pool and dangles his legs into the water. It caresses his skin with a cool, soothing touch.
Jared brackets his thighs with his hands and looks up at him. Just looks at him, still smiling. It's warm and bright and Jensen's certain the world could survive without the sun as long as Jared's there.
With idle fingers Jensen reaches out. Trails them over Jared's cheek, takes in the shape of his face. He cups it and curls his fingers in Jared's hair. It's soaking wet, but he doesn't mind. Loves it in fact. It reminds him of the first time they met.
He smiles, but then his eyes fall on a crumble of the dead grass that's still sticking to the back of his hand and he sighs. “You think there's a place for plants in heaven?”
Jared
The question jostles him and he has to avert his eyes. But there's no help anywhere. No escape.
Jared takes a moment to gather his bearings. The pool is almost empty. The water is calming down. Tiny waves ebbing off, reflecting the orange glow of the setting sun. It's near closing time and a young couple grabs their bags and heads for the exit. Hand in hand. With them gone, Jensen and him are the only ones left. He drops his head on Jensen's lap. Keeps staring into the distance.
“I don't know...” He says, forcing his voice to remain even. He really doesn't. And lately he's trying his damn best to avoid thinking about anything death related. He's selfish here and he can admit that. At least to himself. He doesn't care who or what goes to heaven as long as there's a spot for Jensen. And maybe for him, so they can meet again someday. He just wishes neither of those spots would be needed until well in the future.
Jensen sees through him. Of course he does. He always does. Jared can hear the smirk in Jensen's voice when he says, “Well, I thought, if plants go, they could keep my place warm for me. You know, so I can take my time.” He pauses. “And then ya' could make 'em put The weed called him on my tombstone.”
Jared grins despite himself. “I think that might give the wrong impression.”
“It'd be fun, though. Make people stop by. Have a smile, wondering if it means what they think it means.”
He hums. Gets what Jensen's trying to do. Trying to lighten the mood again. But the tomb stone is already made. And for nearly half a year it's been waiting for its cue. Their own personal sword of Damocles.
Jensen's fingers play with his hair and Jared wonders if maybe he's even more selfish than he thought. Jensen doesn't talk about death often. Jared figures it's for various reasons, but one of them is him. Because he's the one who doesn't like to. So this time, he pushes his trepidation down and glances up. “Do you think plants go to heaven?”
Jensen shrugs. “No other place to go for them, is there?”
“So... heaven looks just like it does here?”
At that Jensen glances around. Frowns and shrugs again. “Well, maybe not exactly like here.”
Curiosity gets the better of Jared. He straightens and takes Jensen's hands. Catches his eyes. “Then what do you think heaven looks like?”
A wide smile spreads on Jensen's lips. Crinkles the corners of his eyes. They shine with certainty. “Like our house. Ya' know,” he says, nonchalantly, “home.”
And that's when he gets it. Why Jensen isn't scared of dying.
Jensen
He watches as a wide smile spreads on Jared's face. Then, gently Jared pats his hands and Jensen gets that warm feeling in his stomach that's just a little bit awkward. That feeling that makes him want to ask what did I do? He never asks, though.
Jared pushes off the edge and floats a few feet back. He holds out a hand and softly says, “Come here.”
It makes Jensen smirk. Makes him remember. Slowly, he drums his feet against the pool wall. One, two. One, two... “You ain't gonna drown me, are ya'?”
Jared laughs and shakes his head. Then straightens and holds out both hands. “No. I won't.”
So Jensen slowly lowers himself into the water. His arms tremble under the strain of his weight. It's weird, lately. Working out has become harder rather than easier, too. But it's not too bad. He can handle it.
Jared watches him. Smiles at him. And he smiles back. That, at least, still comes easy.
Jared
“Think you still got it?” He asks.
Jensen nods. Rattles of the list of mnemonics he'd come up with all those years ago. “Prayer, arrow, shark fin, saloon door. And kicking your feet.”
“And the most important thing-”
“Keeping my head up. I know.” Jensen shoos him away with his hands and Jared takes another couple steps back. Gives him some room. And waits. Waits with his hands reaching out just under the surface.
Jensen's got the theory down. His coordination is like the first time, though. He struggles. His head dips under and Jared sucks in a harsh breath. “Easy there, you got it,” he calls, “I know you can do it.”
And Jensen does. His feet don't touch the ground. He's spitting water left and right, though. Swimming, but faltering between strokes.
Jared reaches out. “Keep going, Jensen. Just a little further, just-” Their fingertips touch and Jared grasps his hands. Jensen comes up straight. Smiling, breathing harshly, he falls in close. Their cheeks touch. The corners of their lips. But they don't kiss.
Jared's heart drops. He'd thought...
Their eyes meet. Jensen's smile fades and he pushes back. Sways on his feet.
“Jensen-” he starts, but Jensen shakes his head. Turns and wipes a hand over his face. “It's late. We better get going.”
As if on cue, a pool employer approaches them. Gaunt, with a shaved head and a stoic face. “Guys,” he calls, “we're closing.”
Jensen gives the man a curt salute and climbs up the ladder. There're dark spots on Jensen's shoulder. Some on the small of his back. Jared stares at them and they mock him. He scrunches his eyes shut but they dance in his vision.
Yeah, it's getting late. No need to tell him that.
Jensen
Outside, the world flies by in a whirl. Jared's pushing the speed limit. But Jensen doesn't point it out. He ain't really looking at anything anyway. His gut is tying itself into knots. He almost slipped. Caught in the mood. The memory. That decade old feeling that was better than any high.
His fingertips find his lips on their own accord. So he curls his hands into fists. Crosses his arms over his chest. Next to him, Jared clears his throat. Takes his eyes off the road to glance at him.
“You promised you'd do anything for my birthday.”
“Don't ya' pin me down on that,” Jensen says. Drops his head against the window. He's got to keep saying no. No matter how hard it gets. Besides, he's felt worse.
Only he hasn't.
Not even during his last days with Roy. When he hadn't stopped bleeding from his ass. When he had to drag himself to the hospital, on all fours by the time he'd reached the ER. On his own because he'd become too old for the movies Roy made.
Saying no to Jared feels like someone tied a rope around his heart, his gut - all his fucking intestines - to pull 'em out one by one. He's got to bear it, though. For Jared. For his future.
A gentle touch tickles the back of his hand. Jensen opens his fist and Jared entwines their fingers. “I want to kiss you so bad, it hurts,” Jared says.
Jensen hums. It ain't like he doesn't know that. But still... “I don't wanna give you that herpes and saint capote thing-y.”
“It's called Kaposi's sarcoma.”
He blinks an eye open. Smirks. “'s what I said.”
Jared hits the breaks at a red light. Turns in the seat. “Don't-” he says and points an angry finger at him. “This is serious.”
“Yeah, you tell me.”
Jared's eyes go wide. Just for a split second, though. Then his eyes and lips narrow and tighten. “If you infect me with that herpes virus, I might get that sarcoma shit. I-”
Jensen interrupts him. “Why are you suddenly this pushy about it?”
“I- Well, I just... what you said at the pool. It made me realize there's no reason to be scared. And I, I just want to kiss you before... before I can't anymore. So I'm willing to take my chances.”
Jensen lets his head loll to the side. Glances at his reflection in the mirror. The groove between his ear and jaw. The dark spots there that might pass for moles if you didn't know they hadn't been there a few months ago. “Well, I ain't.”
Next to him, Jared shifts. Grabs his knee, his shoulder, anything he can hold onto. “Why not?” His eyes plead with him. “Our time's running out, Jensen.”
He looks over. Looks Jared straight in the eye. Smiles, but he can feel its shaky. Threatening to slip. “I don't wantcha to regret it one day.”
A loud honk from behind breaks the moment. The traffic light has turned green.
Jared
Jared drives down the sharp angels and turns of the street. Straight into the pit of the city. It's getting darker by the minute, the sun setting behind him. In his ears, his blood's rushing. His heart's hammering in despair. “You think I'll regret it, someday,” he says, realization washing over him like a cold shower. “You think I'll regret kissing you, because someday I might want to kiss someone else.”
Jensen gives him a lopsided shrug. A timid nod. “Well, yeah. Ya' ain't even thirty, man.”
“Fuck you.” Jared's jaw locks. Pain radiates from his grinding teeth. “Just fuck you.” He had never considered that. Never thought of someone else now or in the future. And he never will.
The sound of a rattled breath makes Jared glance over. Jensen's not looking at him. His eyes are pointed down as he worries the hem of his black velvet shirt. The anguish, the sincerity in Jensen's voice extinguishes Jared's anger when he says, “I just don't want you to be alone for the next fifty years. ”
Jared reaches out and cups Jensen's hand. Stops it from abusing the hem of his shirt. “I won't be, you'll be with me,” he says and means it. And it's true. It's got to be. Jensen'll be in his heart, in his thoughts and it'll be enough. It'll be fine. If it won't, then he... he'll... Jared blinks hard against the wet shimmer that blurs his vision. “You'll always be with me.”
A barked laugh startles Jared. “I'll try,” Jensen says, “but I don't think I can hold out that long.”
Jared pulls his hand back. Wipes away the tears. Jensen could have shoved a knife in his heart and it would have hurt less. “Some happy fucking birthday.”
Next to him, Jensen's back to worrying his shirt with his jaw locked tight. Decidedly not looking at him. Silence keeps them company for the rest of the ride.
When Jared pulls up into the driveway, he kills the engine but doesn't get out. Just flexes his hands around the steering wheel a couple times. His sister's already here and Chad as well. He can see their cars parked down the road.
They might be waiting, at the ready with cakes and candles. He can't face that. Not yet.
For a moment there, Jensen looks at him like he wants to say something. Like he knows exactly what to say - what to do to comfort him. But in the end Jensen doesn't follow up. Instead he grabs the handle and opens the door.
Jared sighs. Looks at Jensen's back. It's broader now. Stronger. Not the back of a dying man. And yet, it is. “You do realize this is the last birthday I'll share with you, don't you?”
At that Jensen halts. Tenses. Just slightly. Briefly. But enough to notice before Jensen ducks out of the car and hurries up to the front door.
Jared allows himself one more minute. He squeezes his eyes shut against the tears, the pain that rages inside him. If Jensen didn't want to kiss him, he would accept this, but... not like this.
He counts down from ten. Then takes a deep breath, puts a smile on his face and gets out of his car. Ready to celebrate. Or at least he hopes that's what he looks like.
Jensen
Joyful music filters through the bathroom walls. Every note is a thousand ants on Jensen's skin. A bad trip. Jensen can barely stand it. Shivering, he sits on the edge of the bathtub, head between his knees. White knuckling the cold rim. His damp fingers keep slipping.
He'd seen Jared put on a brave face. Had seen Jared relax, slowly but surely, around his friends. His family. He hadn't been able to do the same. Slowly but surely, dizziness had crept up his spine. Along with it the overwhelming urge for a hit. He'd had bad days, but never this. Never felt it like a sledgehammer to his stomach.
It's just an escape, though. He knows that. An old habit - the allure of peace of mind. Even if it's just temporary. He knows what it's really about.
He grinds his teeth against the pain. The thoughts. They won't have it though. They march right through. Heaven's gonna look like home, it'll be warm and familiar and nice. But it'll be empty. Lonley. For a long time, Jared won't be there.
For all his talk that realization had never fully hit home. Until now.
Jensen checks his watch. It's nearing midnight.“...this is the last birthday I'll share with you...”
On his next breath, no air fills his lungs. He tries again. Nothing. His heart hammers. Goes faster and faster. His eyes widen and darkness seeps in on the edge of his vision. A cold touch on the back of his neck.
It's happening. He's dying. In the bathroom. Alone.
“No,” he gasps and lunges for the door. With clammy fingers he flips the lock and falls into the hallway. His hands on the wall for support, he stumbles to the living room. Reaches for...
“Jared,” he says, but it's barely more than a wheeze. The guests that spot him fall quiet. Dad's eyes go wide and Mom claps both hands over her mouth. Chad, Jared's buddy, stands closest to him and reaches out but Jensen bats his hands away. He wants Jared. He needs Jared.
And Jared hears him. Hears the faint echo of his name from across the room. A beer bottle shatters on the floor, Jensen blinks and suddenly Jared's in front of him. Arms open, Jared catches him when he falls.
“Jensen?” Jared calls, then, “shit! Someone call 911!”
“No,” he says, faint but firm. In Jared's arms he calms down. His chest is broad and warm and it gives Jensen the strength to get his feet back under himself. He breathes in time with Jared and air rushes back into his lungs. He slings his arms around Jared. Clutches him tight because he know Jared can bear it.
A panic attack. He hadn't had one since he'd been a teen. Had forgotten what it felt like. He buries his face in Jared's neck. He's still trembling like hell, but he's sure about one thing. He's, “sorry.”
Jared clutches his shoulders and pulls back. Tries to catch his eyes, worried and white as a sheet, but there's hope in the corner of his eyes. Still hope.
“Promise me,” Jensen says, “promise me, you won't stay alone. But also promise me... promise me you won't kiss anybody else.”
At that Jared's chin trembles and tears run down his cheeks. But he nods. “I promise.”
“So,” he swallows hard and works up an apologetic smile, “happy birthday.” He leans in and their foreheads fall together. Then their mouths find each other. Lips gentle, a little shy even. Like a first kiss. Like a kiss at a deserted motel pool under the Nevada sun.
Or maybe, a thought tickles at the back of Jensen's mind, that's what heaven looks like. He smiles. He'd be okay with that, too.
Masterpost